EX is in a new relationship

LegacyUser

Hi everyone I found out something recently and its just really gotten me down, I went out with a guy for 4 years, we lived together for 2 years, I moved in with him mostly for convenience as the rent was very cheap and I didnt get along with my previous house mate so I was hoping to move somewhere else but I couldnt find anywhere financially suitable, my ex said he'd pay the bulk of the rent as he was earning more than me. I had no other support around me, no family or friends as ive always had difficulties making friends, im very quiet and shy.

Shortly after moving in with my ex I discovered that he'd been cheating on me from day one, he was seeing someone when we got together, in contact with another ex and was sleeping with anyone and everyone.

While living together I discovered he was taking other women on dates, he'd come home drunk with from nights out with lipstick on his face and neck, he was also sleeping with a woman he worked with. On top of this he had a drink problem and was very abusive towards me and often spread lies about me to people he knew, he had a very large social circle, a typical street angel house devil.

I finally got away from him about a year and a half ago and now ive discovered he's in a relationship with somebody else for almost a year, he quit drinking for her and treats her like a princess, takes her to places he never took me, they've even gone travelling together, he's faithful to her too.

I know its none of my business and I shouldn't care but im still in the same spot I was in while I was with him, broke, no social life, single, no support and still dealing with the abuse I suffered from the relationship, I havnt been with anyone since we broke up while he's happy in a relationship with a woman who has a great job and equally successful social life. I am happy for him but I just feel like my life is pathetic and nothing I do ever works out. He's successful, im still a loser.

I dont know why im posting really, just feeling very down about everything.

Thanks for reading. x

racso1975

Feelingfedup wrote: »

I know its none of my business and I shouldn't care but im still in the same spot I was in while I was with him, broke, no social life, single, no support and still dealing with the abuse I suffered from the relationship, I havnt been with anyone since we broke up while he's happy in a relationship with a woman who has a great job and equally successful social life. I am happy for him but I just feel like my life is pathetic and nothing I do ever works out. He's successful, im still a loser.

First off the bat you are not a loser. If there is one thing I truly hate about ireland its when you meet somebody for the first time and the 3 questions you get asked are:

1) Your name
2) Where you from
3) what do you work as/what do you do?

I honestly don't think any other nation of people are as invasive or try to define somebody by their occupation.

Being broke, little social life or unemployed does in no way define you as a person. Your actions define you as a person and that means you are a hell of a better person then your ex!!!

If you dont mind I might suggest the following ideas some may help some may not.

1) Job/Money: Maybe go to your local jobs club and see what advice they can give you in relation to your CV and applications you fill out they will also do interview preps which will really help your confidence. Also go to mabs they are amazing at giving advice and support in relation to bill management and budgeting

2) Socially: Think about what it is you would like to do and check out meetup.com and look at all the different groups you think you would be interested in getting involved in ar hobbies you might like to take up. Social activities do not need to be expensive or in a pub/night club

3) Counselling: Consider going for this there is low cost options available. Use it to not only discuss those low feelings of self worth but also deal with the abuse

4) Relationships: I would prob hold off getting involved in one until you sort out the above. The only reason a say this is cause when your self worth is low you are more likely to end up in a toxic relationship again and the above cycle you outlined continues and things get lower and lower for you.

You are also approaching a really tough time of the year in relation to expense, people going out all the time and the perception that xmas is better when you are with somebody. So please take care of yourself and realise there is huge support here and out there for you.

Best of Luck

Idle Passerby

You don't know that his current relationship is any healthier than the one he had with you. You said yourself he's a street angel/house devil so an expert at presenting a positive public persona.

But even if he is happy its not going to help you recover from such a horrible experience to compare your current situation to anyone elses. Of course it's salt to the wounds to think he hasn't suffered but try to focus on your own recovery instead. That experience would harm anyone's self confidence. Be kind to yourself.

timmy880

A guy like that doesn't change overnight...... From the outside it might look like he is a new man but old habits die hard. Consider it a positive thing that you are away from somebody as toxic as that.

Mr. Incognito

I think you need to stop focusing on what your ex is doing and stop comparing your lives.

Concentrate on you and getting you healthy and cut all contact or social media stalking of your ex.

PressRun

I highly doubt he's as clean cut now as you think.

The Princess Bride

I'd say that one of the most difficult things you've done in your life so far, was to get away from him when you did.
Well done- that's beyond difficult for most people in controlling and abusive relationships.

You're not a loser.
You need to step away from all ways of hearing /seeing anything about him.
And learn how to take small steps to discover who you really are.
Yes, you might benefit from counselling.
Talk to your GP and ask their advice perhaps.
I'd also feel you're not quite ready to be with anybody new yet, you need to learn how to be you first-independent and stronger.
And absolutely not a failure.
Every single day you need to acknowledge your strength in how far you've come.

Well done and best of luck.

DukeOfTheSharp

OP, you're stuck in the self-loathing loop of a post-abuse relationship, and your feelings are coming directly from how you've been treated, which is terribly. Your ex is an asshole, right off the bat, understand that he's an abuser, therefore he's a sociopath and can make it look like he's better than he is to the public eye. He probably talks about how well he treats this new GF, or how he stopped drinking, but the chances are he hasn't done either of those things (abusers are notorious for faking 'getting help' or 'changing' when in reality they're just setting up another layer of BS to make themselves look/seem better).

You're not a loser, you were in an awful relationship with someone who utterly betrayed your trust. You're in a bad spot, and trust me, I totally get that, I was there too after my crappy abusive relationship. The important thing to note is that you need to completely cut any info about this lad out of your life. I know that's tough, but it's doable, and when you finally do it's liberating. Getting counselling helps a hell of a lot, it really does, because you discover that the situation you were in wasn't on you, and that your current situation can be changed. You're in control of your life, you're not beholden to that prat now. Also, don't be happy for him, it's not something healthy or mature, it's the opposite. Acknowledging your feelings is important when you're out of an abusive relationship as you've really not had the ability to express those feelings during that time. Go easy on yourself, it wasn't your fault and remember that however 'successful' he may seem, he's still an abuser - and therefore hardly even a person. Once you make it over that hurdle, you'll find that you'll focus less on your ex and more on yourself. Take your time, do things for you, you don't have to get into a relationship right now and it's probably best that you don't, from experience I can tell you it never works out well. Get yourself to a point where you're comfortable and then you can live your life, but take small steps. Counselling first, attempt to find a job, make some new friends, maybe even travel. You're able to do that now, and I know that might not sound great, but trust me, over time you'll feel much better.

silverharp

one question for you OP, I cant fathom is why you stayed 2 years with someone that was cheating on you repeatedly from the moment you moved in?

DukeOfTheSharp

silverharp wrote: »

one question for you OP, I cant fathom is why you stayed 2 years with someone that was cheating on you repeatedly from the moment you moved in?

From what I gathered, the OP didn't actually realise this until well into the co-living process. Even if they didn't, the fact is that abusers often have significant holds over the people they're with, so even if someone might suspect something is off, the abuser will put it down to them being 'paranoid'. Psychological and emotional abuse strips away a person's identity, their feelings of what is right and wrong in a relationship and they don't even realise it's happening at the time. Then when they finally comprehend the madness they're living with, the damage is already done.

Feelingfedup

Feelingfedup wrote: »

Hi everyone I found out something recently and its just really gotten me down, I went out with a guy for 4 years, we lived together for 2 years, I moved in with him mostly for convenience as the rent was very cheap and I didnt get along with my previous house mate so I was hoping to move somewhere else but I couldnt find anywhere financially suitable, my ex said he'd pay the bulk of the rent as he was earning more than me. I had no other support around me, no family or friends as ive always had difficulties making friends, im very quiet and shy.

Shortly after moving in with my ex I discovered that he'd been cheating on me from day one, he was seeing someone when we got together, in contact with another ex and was sleeping with anyone and everyone.

While living together I discovered he was taking other women on dates, he'd come home drunk with from nights out with lipstick on his face and neck, he was also sleeping with a woman he worked with. On top of this he had a drink problem and was very abusive towards me and often spread lies about me to people he knew, he had a very large social circle, a typical street angel house devil.

I finally got away from him about a year and a half ago and now ive discovered he's in a relationship with somebody else for almost a year, he quit drinking for her and treats her like a princess, takes her to places he never took me, they've even gone travelling together, he's faithful to her too.

I know its none of my business and I shouldn't care but im still in the same spot I was in while I was with him, broke, no social life, single, no support and still dealing with the abuse I suffered from the relationship, I havnt been with anyone since we broke up while he's happy in a relationship with a woman who has a great job and equally successful social life. I am happy for him but I just feel like my life is pathetic and nothing I do ever works out. He's successful, im still a loser.

I dont know why im posting really, just feeling very down about everything.

Thanks for reading. x

He wasn't going to change whilst in a relationship with you and that's not a reflection on you he just abused your love and trust in him and you became his physical and emotional human punchbag. You are better off out of it. Delete, delete, delete him from your life and focus on what you are good at, what you are passionate about? No one is a failure or a loser. You either win or learn.

In the great scheme of things it is a small chapter of your life. You are now at a crossroads and you can either go down the dreary path of feeling sorry for yourself or you can take the motorway and live life to the fullest. Ask yourself, if this was the final day of your life would you want it to end on such a lull note? Id imagine not. So plan how to get the most out of your life from this day onwards.

On his new relationship, perhaps his new bird doesnt take any shíte? or perhaps its all a front? perhaps he even realised that he needed to change after treating you abysmally? Who knows. Either way, getting away from this toxic pr1ck was a god send. You may not realise it but in time you will when you will when you are in a place of bliss

road_high

Christ OP you can't see this now, but I've not read about someone having as lucky an escape as you in a long time. In time you will definitely see this too.

Corvo

racso1975 wrote: »

3) what do you work as/what do you do?

I honestly don't think any other nation of people are as invasive or try to define somebody by their occupation.

Being broke, little social life or unemployed does in no way define you as a person. Your actions define you as a person and that means you are a hell of a better person then your ex!!!

Not to go totally off topic, but that's not entirely true for a lot of people. This is not really aimed at the OP, but your employment status can be important to people as a sign of their own ambition and also may point towards your long term prospects with that person.

Corvo

Corvo wrote: »

Not to go totally off topic, but that's not entirely true for a lot of people. This is not really aimed at the OP, but your employment status can be important to people as a sign of their own ambition and also may point towards your long term prospects with that person.

I originally misunderstood this post until i seen the post you were replying to so deleted my original post. For me i would have asked the question more or less out of showing genuine interest in the person i was speaking to or making conversation. I think people are a little ashamed of being unemployed and get a bit defensive so i tend to avoid asking people nowadays.

Different people react to the question differently. Some people cant wait for you to ask this question while others could have a huge job and are reluctant to discuss it. The whole thing about occupations was very Celtic Tiger years too be honest. If this is a genuine deal breaker then its all very shallow. There is more to people than what they earn or do day to day. Some of the brightest sparks on this universe still havent figured out what to do with themselves.