stuck

flowerpott

hey guys, i know this is not exactly a 3rd world problem , but i am seeing these guy for a good few years and he lovely cant fault him but during that time he introduced me to his friend and his friends new girlfriend who didnt seem to have any friends, long story short i was super nice to her as thats just the kind of person i am, and introduced her to my group of girlfriends and we all got on, as time went on i noticed her saying a few things to me n nights out or whatever kind of putting me down, and 3 years later she caused a row between myself and my oldest childhood friend of 23 years, and now we dont speak anymore, she remained friends with both of us but played the whole piggy in the middle card, i tried to let it go and not to blame her for the row but been honest i cant, to let you know what the row was over, she was planning a night out and said that i was the one planning it and let on to my childhood friend that i didnt invite her, which was all a big pack of bull**** as i didnt even go out that night, whats worse is that my childhood friend belived her. ive developed anxiety in the mean time had to go to counselling as all this was too much, nights out turned into drama as my oldest childhood friend completly turned on me and said a few nasty things, now my boyfirend is still hanging out with that group and im trying to stay away from them as much as possible, but evertime ur mans girlfriends sees me, shes trying to be all nice like nuhing has happened,
any advice would be great? can i have a future with my bf who i love with her always hanging around?

Airyfairy12

She sounds like an absolute psycho and it seems like she was jealous of the friendship you had with the other girl. Id work on patching things up with your old friend, id send an email or message explaining the whole situation, how this girl twisted and manipulated everything and that you miss your friend and dont want to end a 23 year friendship over a stupid misunderstanding, id also explain the situation to your boyfriend and tell him that youre very uncomfortable around that girl and you dont want to be around her. He should just respect that and he shouldnt make you feel bad about it, if someones negativity is effecting you then you have every right to remove yourself from that person, regardless of what anyone else thinks. I wouldnt allow her to have any more control.

tomwaterford

You can have a future with her hanging around....so long as you keep him up to speed with what she's like??


Your other friends will soon see what she's like anyway.
Text you other friend of 23 years to clear the air...stupid thing if ye couldn't iron it out

flowerpott

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

She sounds like an absolute psycho and it seems like she was jealous of the friendship you had with the other girl. Id work on patching things up with your old friend, id send an email or message explaining the whole situation, how this girl twisted and manipulated everything and that you miss your friend and dont want to end a 23 year friendship over a stupid misunderstanding, id also explain the situation to your boyfriend and tell him that youre very uncomfortable around that girl and you dont want to be around her. He should just respect that and he shouldnt make you feel bad about it, if someones negativity is effecting you then you have every right to remove yourself from that person, regardless of what anyone else thinks. I wouldnt allow her to have any more control.

My friend of 23 years is gone now as we tried and couldn't resolve the stupid issue. that girl was always hanging round and I could never get her alone to try and sort it out properly. She told me my friend of 23 years was trying to turn her against me saying all this **** .. and 2 years have past since that row... but I'm still finding it hard to let it all go a's that girl is around and there's nuthung I can do.about it.. as she's nice as pie to most people and to the rest of my friend's. .than you for your advice I will deff take it on board and just remove myself from the situition/person..

flowerpott

tomwaterford wrote: »

You can have a future with her hanging around....so long as you keep him up to speed with what she's like??


Your other friends will soon see what she's like anyway.
Text you other friend of 23 years to clear the air...stupid thing if ye couldn't iron it out

Thanks Tom. . I will take your advice.. your dead right... he needs to know everything

GingerLily

flowerpott wrote: »

My friend of 23 years is gone now as we tried and couldn't resolve the stupid issue. that girl was always hanging round and I could never get her alone to try and sort it out properly. She told me my friend of 23 years was trying to turn her against me saying all this **** .. and 2 years have past since that row... but I'm still finding it hard to let it all go a's that girl is around and there's nuthung I can do.about it.. as she's nice as pie to most people and to the rest of my friend's. .than you for your advice I will deff take it on board and just remove myself from the situition/person..

No real friend would leave a relationship over something so trivial so I suggest stop blaming the interfering girlfriend, she probably didn't help the situation, she's probably a sly cow, but a friend of 23 years doesn't just drop you over he-said-she-said drama. You can grieve for the loss of such an old friend but your better off without such a fickle person in your life.

Good luck OP

flowerpott

GingerLily wrote: »

No real friend would leave a relationship over something so trivial so I suggest stop blaming the interfering girlfriend, she probably didn't help the situation, she's probably a sly cow, but a friend of 23 years doesn't just drop you over he-said-she-said drama. You can grieve for the loss of such an old friend but your better off without such a fickle person in your life.

Good luck OP

Never actually thought of it that way... thank you.

groovyg

GingerLily wrote: »

No real friend would leave a relationship over something so trivial so I suggest stop blaming the interfering girlfriend, she probably didn't help the situation, she's probably a sly cow, but a friend of 23 years doesn't just drop you over he-said-she-said drama. You can grieve for the loss of such an old friend but your better off without such a fickle person in your life.

Good luck OP

I was just thinking the same thing. Op your best from childhood pulled the plug on your friendship over such a trivial thing, it sounds like she was looking for an excuse to ditch you. True friendships like relationships has highs and lows, and it sounds like this girl wasn't the friend you thought she was.
If your bf is friends with this group I don't think you should be avoiding nights out with them, you know deep down the girl can't be trusted but don't let her stop you from enjoying your life. She sounds like somebody who loves drama.

Big Bag of Chips

I always say it but it's actually surprisingly easy to avoid someone in a group situation. This wan deliberately told lies about you over 2 years ago, has gotten digs in at you for the past 3 years and you continue to be "super nice" to her? Why? You don't have to be rude or nasty to her but being super nice is only making a fool out of yourself. It's as if you're chasing around after her looking for her approval. You're giving her all the power in your relationships. To the point where you are considering avoiding all social situations with your bf and other friends if she's going to be there.

That's crazy.

Continue to be a part of the wider group, just stop fawning all over her. You don't like her. It seems she hasn't too high an opinion of you. So why keep up the pretence? You can be civil. You can be polite without being friendly. And especially not over the top friendly. Don't engage her in conversation. If she speaks to you reply. One word answers. Noncommittal "hmm, yeah, oh" Don't be rude and cause tensions in the group but don't be over the top with her either. She'll soon get the message, and probably up her game to be super nice to you to get you back on side. Don't give her the power.

It might take a bit of getting used to if you're the type of person to always be nice to everyone. But always being nice to everyone gets you walked on.

flowerpott

groovyg wrote: »

I was just thinking the same thing. Op your best from childhood pulled the plug on your friendship over such a trivial thing, it sounds like she was looking for an excuse to ditch you. True friendships like relationships has highs and lows, and it sounds like this girl wasn't the friend you thought she was.
If your bf is friends with this group I don't think you should be avoiding nights out with them, you know deep down the girl can't be trusted but don't let her stop you from enjoying your life. She sounds like somebody who loves drama.

I wonder why she would be like that after 23 years.. I seemed to be the only one from the group who ever really done anything for her.. eg bring her to town.. mind her kid... take her wherever whenever... where's the other girl would just see her here and there... your right clearly there was something there that I just never spotted .. thank you for your reply

flowerpott

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I always say it but it's actually surprisingly easy to avoid someone in a group situation. This wan deliberately told lies about you over 2 years ago, has gotten digs in at you for the past 3 years and you continue to be "super nice" to her? Why? You don't have to be rude or nasty to her but being super nice is only making a fool out of yourself. It's as if you're chasing around after her looking for her approval. You're giving her all the power in your relationships. To the point where you are considering avoiding all social situations with your bf and other friends if she's going to be there.

That's crazy.

Continue to be a part of the wider group, just stop fawning all over her. You don't like her. It seems she hasn't too high an opinion of you. So why keep up the pretence? You can be civil. You can be polite without being friendly. And especially not over the top friendly. Don't engage her in conversation. If she speaks to you reply. One word answers. Noncommittal "hmm, yeah, oh" Don't be rude and cause tensions in the group but don't be over the top with her either. She'll soon get the message, and probably up her game to be super nice to you to get you back on side. Don't give her the power.

It might take a bit of getting used to if you're the type of person to always be nice to everyone. But always being nice to everyone gets you walked on.

It actually annoys me how much I've let it get to me and I think it's because I'm always trying to please everyone all the time when it doesn't get you anywhere.. and I've been told on several occasions that because I am nice people do walk on me . .. thank you for your reply .. as my other friend told me.. I really need to grow a pair ..I will.take your advice on board

Big Bag of Chips

Well if you were doing all the running for your other friend, your friendship was based on her need for you. Not necessarily on mutual respect. Did she also drop everything to come to help you if needed? When she had no more real use for you she moved on easily enough, and now I'd guess someone else is bringing her places and babysitting for her?

Being nice is a lovely trait, OP, and you shouldn't stop being nice and toughen up if it's not who you are. But on the same note if you find people are taking advantage of your niceness well then it's time to change something. You can still be nice, but to people who don't take you for granted and use you for their own gain.

flowerpott

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Well if you were doing all the running for your other friend, your friendship was based on her need for you. Not necessarily on mutual respect. Did she also drop everything to come to help you if needed? When she had no more real use for you she moved on easily enough, and now I'd guess someone else is bringing her places and babysitting for her?

Being nice is a lovely trait, OP, and you shouldn't stop being nice and toughen up if it's not who you are. But on the same note if you find people are taking advantage of your niceness well then it's time to change something. You can still be nice, but to people who don't take you for granted and use you for their own gain.

Now that you mention it no she didn't... when I confided in her about my depression she ignored me for weeks.. but I thought it was because she was busy with family life and afterwards told me I had changed.... I think both girls are well suited to each other now that I think of it.. I dont want anyone around me that takes advantage.. I will habe to.change something.. and toughen up to these people. . It is hard but I know it's something that will bebefit me in the long run.. thank you

Neyite

On another forum, they've called this phenomenon being Wendied. It started with this thread opener along the lines of: "I've got this group of friends, and this one particular one, lets call her Wendy joined the group and over time has created rifts between me and my long term friends and now I'm the outcast"

A Wendy is someone who is new to the group and works hard at ousting the person who introduced them to the group in the first place. They thrive on drama, perceived slights, pour poison in the ears of others about you. Nasty manipulative people.

Follow Chip's advice when dealing with her. Tell her nothing. Be coolly polite to her and disengage from talking to her as soon as you can every time. Don't react to any dramas, if she's in a heap over something invented to pull you back in keep being coolly polite and not getting involved.

flowerpott

Neyite wrote: »

On another forum, they've called this phenomenon being Wendied. It started with this thread opener along the lines of: "I've got this group of friends, and this one particular one, lets call her Wendy joined the group and over time has created rifts between me and my long term friends and now I'm the outcast"

A Wendy is someone who is new to the group and works hard at ousting the person who introduced them to the group in the first place. They thrive on drama, perceived slights, pour poison in the ears of others about you. Nasty manipulative people.

Follow Chip's advice when dealing with her. Tell her nothing. Be coolly polite to her and disengage from talking to her as soon as you can every time. Don't react to any dramas, if she's in a heap over something invented to pull you back in keep being coolly polite and not getting involved.

Thank you thank you thank you for this comment.. it makes so much sense to me..

Big Bag of Chips

Don't change the person you fundamentally are though, flowerpott. The huge majority of people you know see you and like you for who you are. A small percentage of people will see your kindness as weakness and will manipulate it to their advantage. Be that getting you to do things for them, or belittling you so they can feel big about themselves. The thing with people like that is most people do actually see them for what they are. And whilst people might be friendly towards them, they wouldn't necessarily class them as friends! When you start being less keen to please them you might be surprised to notice that others are already doing similar. It's difficult if you've always been a people pleaser to stop! But have you noticed how people who are polite, friendly but not necessarily preoccupied with pleasing others still get along fine in life and in fact have the respect of a lot of people and friends?!!

It's difficult at first, and depending on your age it is completely normal. I would probably have been a people pleaser up until my late 20s. Tying myself in knots to do things for other people at the expense of my own free time, friendships, relationships. Suffering absolutely insufferable people all for the sake of being polite! As I get older, I care less. I'm still a nice person. I will still drop everything to help someone if they genuinely need it. But I'm more careful with myself these days. I occasionally say no, and I'm polite but make my excuses if I get stuck with someone I have no interest in being beside!! Sometimes, I'm not so discreet and people can pick up on my dislike, but again, I don't care. People I feel like that around are usually people who couldn't give a toss about me one way or the other, so no love lost!!

Life is so much more stress free!