Everything is great between us except messaging..

LegacyUser

Just need some clarification on something. Thanks in advance for the advice. We are both 21 by the way.

I've been seeing a lad for around 2 months now, and it's going great. We get along in person amazingly, we have the same group of friends, we don't argue, we go on dates, are intimate and I really like him and he seems to like me a lot too.

Only thing that is kind of bothering me is, he never contacts me over the phone, unless there's a purpose. What I mean is, if he wants to plan something or meet up, he is good messaging me and fast at responding, no problems there. But he would never text to say hi or ask me how I am. He isn't big into social media but he uses it all the same. We aren't officially boyfriend and girlfriend and I don't know if it is going that way, but if it did I don't know how we would maintain a relationship. We go to uni together but are from different parts of Ireland. I'd only ever get to talk to him in person.. what about over summer holidays.. would we just not speak until they were over unless we met up?

I really can't say that I don't think he likes me, I do think he does and all my friends tell me he does, but lads, if you like a girl, would there ever be a time that you wouldn't send her a message.. is he being honest when he says he just isn't into messaging and texting? We have talked about it before and he said he isn't into it but does he not want to talk to me everyday..? Because if you like someone, surely you would want to do that.

bp

When I first dating my OH at about your age he only ever got in touch if he needed something and never (and still doesn't) understand the need to ring and say hi. Just relax and enjoy your time together but also apart.

Mobiles where less proficient then and there was no social media so a different generation ( I feel old!!)

strandroad

notobsessedjustyet wrote: »

Only thing that is kind of bothering me is, he never contacts me over the phone, unless there's a purpose. What I mean is, if he wants to plan something or meet up, he is good messaging me and fast at responding, no problems there. But he would never text to say hi or ask me how I am.

I don't do it with my partner either and I'm a woman! Some people just don't like chitchat on the phone or texting, others do. Don't worry he sounds fine!

FortySeven

Can't stand all that chit chat messaging myself. I have a few friends who phone or text their partners constantly. God only knows what they get out of it but I personally find it annoying.

Enjoy what you have op. It's perfectly normal in my opinion.

woodchuck

How often do you see each other? If it's multiple times a week and he's not into texting, then I don't really see the issue. If you're still together come summer time, then you can have a conversation about it if needs he. He'd hardly go a whole summer without speaking to you though!

LegacyUser

Yeah we normally see each other a few times a week, once or twice for sure anyways.

A Battered Mars Bar

He's a smart lad to be fair. Women do be texting non stop if you let them . It really gets in the way. He's grand.

Senna

A Battered Mars Bar wrote: »

He's a smart lad to be fair. Women do be texting non stop if you let them . It really gets in the way. He's grand.

I'm laughing, but this is so true.
Say for an example, at the start of the relationship he's texting you constantly, then as the realionship grows, the texts become less frequent (as they would), plenty of girls and fellas would be on here saying that their other half doesn't text them as much anymore and what is wrong, do they not love me anymore.
Start as you mean to go on, if you don't have anything necessary to say, why say anything at all.
Thank God when I was dating mobiles were a luxury and texts cost 10c a go, so you didn't waste them.

LegacyUser

Thanks for everyone's advice. Ye have put my mind at ease, I was beginning to think he just wasn't that into me but maybe that is not the case. I have followed his lead on the messaging front and don't really msg him either unless there is a specific reason. I hate that I can only really talk to him in person but maybe it is for the best and might be best for any possible future relationship we may or may not have.

I think what has me bothered is I used to see a lad who was into texting and snapping non stop all day, and he has me thinking all lads to the same when they are into you but perhaps that isnt the case.

LegacyUser

It is a bit unusual in this day and age, and I can understand why you would wonder why he never does. At the start of the relationship they're on your mind all the time and it kind of makes you think that they don't feel the same, and randomly drop a text saying hi, was just thinking about you, or what are you up to.. Not anything excessive just more to know you're on their mind. Don't take anything negative for now, if the relationship progresses see how it goes, you could say it makes you feel good when he just texts you out of the blue. Not long chats or anything. A sweet message now and again is nice. You could lead by example, not instigating a chat or anything just text him a hi and you're looking forward to .... Or you saw something you think he'd like.

LLMMLL

OP I think you're looking for answers about "what's normal" or "What can you expect" and then you'll get people saying "he should text you everyday" and others saying "oh I hate that" etc.

What really matters is what YOU want from a relationship. Do you want to be in contact with him everyday? Keep in mind that doesn't mean obsessive 24 HR texting. Many people would like to send and receive the odd text like "how was your day" etc.

I think its a very valid question about what will happen over the summer. Will you only get a text every 3 weeks when one of you is going to meet the other? I doubt you'd be happy with that.

Edit: I just saw in your most recent post that you "hate" that you only talk in person. Do not accept this in the hope that it theoretically leads to a better relationship. There are plenty of people in good relationships who contact each other regularly. If you're unhappy with the current situation then it will not lead to a better relationship.

LegacyUser

@LLMMLL

As it is early days yet I am trying not to dwell on the future between us as who knows, it may not amount to anything and I will cross the 'summer bridge' when it arrives which lord knows is a while yet! It would be an issue though, if I never heard from him, I don't think I could take the relationship seriously.

To be honest, I was seeing a lad before who texted all day everyday and in a way it kind of was a turn off as I never had to make an effort, he always initiated it and it ended being very one sided. You know what they say about the chase.

Yellow pack crisps

Good grief!!! So he should message you and make you feel important but actually not too much as that would turn out to be one sided and the chase is exciting! why don't you message him to ask how he is and stuff? I'm sure he'd reply with similar pleasantries.

gifted

Count yourself lucky...my missus has sent me 30 texts today....none of them are asking me how I am either lol lol







36 now lol lol

FortySeven

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Good grief!!! So he should message you and make you feel important but actually not too much as that would turn out to be one sided and the chase is exciting! why don't you message him to ask how he is and stuff? I'm sure he'd reply with similar pleasantries.

The ladies certainly like to keep us fellas guessing!

OP. You just need to find a balance in your expectations of this guy, but do him a favour and let him know what it is.

Calypso Realm

In my experience OP, guys generally only text with a purpose in mind eg making arrangements etc. Far more practical than some of us, ladies. So I'd never judge a guy's interest level on how many texts he sends pw.-far more barometer is the effort he makes to see you in terms of dates, consistency etc

In fact, come to think of it, I'm rather like that myself with texting! Much prefer to speak on the phone, if at all possible!

LegacyUser

Yeah, a call from him would make my day but I don't think he really can see the purpose in that either. I guess everyone is different.

GingerLily

From my experience there's a high correlation between guys that text a lot and guys that are "shady" i.e. flirty texting/cheating etc. So I'd always view it as a pro!

LegacyUser

Calypso Realm wrote: »

In my experience OP, guys generally only text with a purpose in mind eg making arrangements etc. Far more practical than some of us, ladies.

Key word being 'some' as myself and plenty of other ladies out there are not into texting. Frankly I hate talking on the phone just as much. I will never understand the need some have to be forever messaging their OHs for no reason. I've friends who live together yet call each other for "a chat" at lunch time every day...what the hell could they have to talk about since seeing each other at breakfast? Too each their own I guess.

OP just relax and enjoy the relationship as is.

LLMMLL

GingerLily wrote: »

From my experience there's a high correlation between guys that text a lot and guys that are "shady" i.e. flirty texting/cheating etc. So I'd always view it as a pro!

Yeah but there's a huge difference between someone asking how was your day, or contactin you with a funny story about something that just happened, and bombarding you constantly telling you they want to marry you etc.

Being in contact with someone every day doesn't mean either of you are flakes or psychos.

I still think the OPs second post where she said she hates only seeing him face to face is the most important thing here.

OP I still think you are in a mindset of "what's right for other people" than "what's right for me".

LegacyUser

@LLMMLL

I understand your point and you are correct to a point but I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable etc. I haven't been in a proper relationship before so I don't know what I should expect from a lad. This is probably the closest I've been to being in a relationship before!

LLMMLL

notobsessedjustyet wrote: »

@LLMMLL

I understand your point and you are correct to a point but I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable etc. I haven't been in a proper relationship before so I don't know what I should expect from a lad. This is probably the closest I've been to being in a relationship before!

You're not being unreasonable at all. To be honest I'm not sure I believe some of the people on here. They seem to be interpreting it as you wanting 24 HR constant texting. I'd be pretty surprised if any of the people on here claiming to hate texting would really like to hear nothing from someone they're dating in between dates.

So you're not expecting too much but if you're happy with radio silence in between your 2 dates a week then that's perfectly fine. But you did say you hate that your only contact is face to face.

If ask you a direct question. Are you happy to have no contact outside of your dates? Forget about what you think should be expected.

LegacyUser

LLMMLL wrote: »

You're not being unreasonable at all. To be honest I'm not sure I believe some of the people on here. They seem to be interpreting it as you wanting 24 HR constant texting. I'd be pretty surprised if any of the people on here claiming to hate texting would really like to hear nothing from someone they're dating in between dates.

So you're not expecting too much but if you're happy with radio silence in between your 2 dates a week then that's perfectly fine. But you did say you hate that your only contact is face to face.

If ask you a direct question. Are you happy to have no contact outside of your dates? Forget about what you think should be expected.

At this stage I'm okay with it being that way. However if things become more serious and we do consider ourselves to be boyfriend and girlfriend, I certainly wouldn't be thrilled. I'd want to hear from him at least every other day. Not just because that's the norm but because if want to know he cared. U

gaynorvader

Honestly I think it is a bit unreasonable to expect him to start texting mundaneties. Clearly that's not something he's used to doing, if you want that to be part of the relationship you need to both initiate it and let him know how you feel on the subject. There's no point in being unhappy because he's not texting you, building up resentment when he doesn't even know that this is something you want. Plus, if it's not something that comes naturally to him, you are the one that is going to have to drive it once he knows what you expect.

If he liked bringing you to football matches and you could take it or leave it, you wouldn't expect him to think you weren't into him because you didn't invite him to a football match, it's a similar situation.

LegacyUser

okay but we are exclusively dating and I haven't heard from him in a week now. Is that not ridiculous, and yes I know I should reach out if I care but right now I don't need the distraction so I'm okay with no contact at the moment, but a whole week he hasn't thought about msging me..

You would think he has no interest in me at all but I know it is not the case, it's so frustrating and weird to me.

LegacyUser

Yes it is weird, you say you don't need the distraction but it obviously is thinking about it and being disappointed with no contact. He may say he is interested but his actions speak otherwise. You are only just together so really he should be contacting you a few times a week. Give him a text asking how he is, I mean at least remind him you exist and still alive

HiGlo

You're kind of walking yourself into a situation where if you bring it up with him he could possibly reply "well you didn't text me either".... Maybe he's not the into the texting lark, but if I was exclusively dating somebody I would expect at the VERY least a text every second day. Ideally at least once a day, but if it's every second day every now and then that's fine.

I wouldn't really play the game of "I'll leave it now and see how long it takes him to text me" cause you're not really proving anything. As I said, his response could be, that you hadn't texted him either.

If you want to text him, text him. If you don't, don't. That's the rules I work by.
It might take the guy 10 mins to reply or it might take him 24hrs.... But at the end of the day, he knows I want to communicate with him and what he does with that is up to him. That information is much more telling than a stalemate where neither will get in touch.

You also have to keep in mind if you are currently building something, you are teaching him how you like to be treated. So as it stands - as far as he's concerned - there's no issue with him doing his own thing and not bothering with you for a whole week. This is what he's learning. Are you ok with that?

Like one of the other posters said, only you can know what you're happy with and what you're willing to accept, so other peoples level of acceptability with regard to texting is irrelevant to you.

njs030

notobsessedjustyet wrote: »

okay but we are exclusively dating and I haven't heard from him in a week now. Is that not ridiculous, and yes I know I should reach out if I care but right now I don't need the distraction so I'm okay with no contact at the moment, but a whole week he hasn't thought about msging me..

You would think he has no interest in me at all but I know it is not the case, it's so frustrating and weird to me.

It obviously does bother you when you started a thread about it so why are you saying it doesn't?

Whatever is going on in your life that your saying you "don't need the distraction right now" could be exactly why he isn't texting you.

Op if you're adult enough for a relationship you need to be adult enough to talk through problems. Asking him why he doesn't contact you and telling him you'd like to hear from him more often and doing the same thing yourself would solve the entire issue.

Before my girlfriend and I moved in together messaging or my lack of them was our biggest source of arguments. When I came home from work the messaging would go on for hours. Try watching TV with the phone hopping beside me. Used to drive my old man nuts too. She used to always say she has to message me first and that I never message her. I just thought if you want to hear from me send a message and get the ball rolling. Don't wait for hours getting in a strop. All that's behind us now that we live together. I do tag her in something on fb once or twice a week just to be safe though.

Ursus Horribilis

notjustsweet wrote: »

Op if you're adult enough for a relationship you need to be adult enough to talk through problems. Asking him why he doesn't contact you and telling him you'd like to hear from him more often and doing the same thing yourself would solve the entire issue.

Two months in, it's time to stop dancing around each other and sticking labels on whatever it is ye are. It's so complicated these days, what with all these official/exclusive shenanigans people go on with.

Have a conversation with him and decide where to next. And definitely bring up the issue of no contact. While I'm with the people who don't want to be texting morning, noon and night, I wouldn't be happy with no contact either. I find that puzzling actually. If you're going out with someone two months and like each other, why do ye never pick up the phone to have a chat?

Without knowing more, it's hard to work out what's going on here. But seeing as you're dating someone who might become a life partner down the line, it's strange that you're both being so stand-offish. It's time to get to the bottom of why.

Big Bag of Chips

notobsessedjustyet wrote: »

okay but we are exclusively dating and I haven't heard from him in a week now

..... A whole week he hasn't thought about msging me..

You would think he has no interest in me at all but I know it is not the case, it's so frustrating and weird to me.

Could he not be thinking EXACTLY the same thing? I haven't heard from her in a week . Obviously in a whole week she hasn't thought about messaging me. You'd think she has no interest in me at all but I know it's not the case. It's so frustrating.

The things you are worrying about happening, haven't happened yet. If you become bf/gf you'd like to hear from him more. If you're apart all summer are you not going to hear from him at all? These are things that haven't happened. So worrying about them is pointless. I'd hazard a guess that he is just as unsure as you are about the etiquette surrounding seeing someone/not exactly being in a bf/gf relationship.

I think it does bother you (why else would you have started a thread?) But you're trying really hard to be "cool" about this.

Like everything else when it comes to relationships the only people who can sort this out are you and him. Talk to him about it. Hell! Text him!! Ask him how he's been! We can all tell you what we would/wouldn't do. But none of us are him. None of us are in your relationship (or whatever it is). The only person who can explain anything of any relevance is him. And the only way he will know what you expect from your relationship is if you tell him.