ghosted and going to pieces

LegacyUser

I've been seeing someone for 3 years, we were on the verge of moving in together, things got a bit messy as it turned out his ex wasn't quite as ex as I'd been led to believe. Still he was telling me he just had to sort things out that end and then.... all contact blocked, no message, nothing. I'm in complete shock, and I keep wanting to go over and get an explanation, but frankly I'm scared at what I'll find, and I don't want to demean myself. I'm in my mid 40s, so I'd never heard of the term ghosting, but it seems to fit what's happened. This wasn't a casual thing, we've spent most of our time together for years now, we've been through bereavements and illnesses together, I thought he was my soulmate. I'd prepared my teenager for him moving in, I'd told my family. Now he's just gone without any ending. Of course he's back with his ex, they live near me and I've seen them together. I feel like I'm going insane, I just can't believe that after everything I never knew him at all. I've been through other break ups, but this is just destroying me. How do I get through this?

milli milli

ghosted wrote: »

How do I get through this?

By realising how lucky you are to be rid of him!
He was still involved with his ex, whilst seeing you. He 'ended' a serious relationship after 3 years, by not even having the decency to break up with you.
to be honest ghosting is what happens at the beginning of dating, when people aren't that invested and don't want to have an awkward conversation.
You've been with this man through tough times and were about to move in together. Not so much ghosting as him being an emotionally retarded so-and-so.
OP take a step back - would you want this kind of treatment for your best friend?

sbsquarepants

When you get over the initial shock, you'll realise that what you've actually had is a lucky escape!

LegacyUser

ghosted wrote: »

I keep wanting to go over and get an explanation

You won't get one you like, you won't get an honest one, you will hate yourself afterwards for bothering. No matter what it takes you, do not contact him and if you bump into him in the street, smile, say hello and keep walking. Talk to friends and family and anybody else who'll listen, but do not talk to him.

The only explanation you need here is that he is a horrible person who deceived you and will behave just as badly towards other people in the future. If you lose your man to another woman, the best revenge is to let her keep him. He's her problem now, you get on with your life and let them wreck each other's.

LegacyUser

sbsquarepants wrote: »

When you get over the initial shock, you'll realise that what you've actually had is a lucky escape!

OP here again. I'm trying to feel that I'm glad to be rid of, but I can't hang on to that for very long and then it swings from grief to rage, I still love him and then I want to lash out at him - which I can't do as I'm completely blocked. It's been 3 months of silence now. I posted him a short note asking for my key back, (and telling him how much he's hurt me, dammit I shouldn't have). No answer, and the fact that he won't give my key back is really driving me crazy. Maybe he chucked it, I don't know, and I can't afford to change the locks. I'm so so sad, tried counseling and it doesn't help. He was best friend (I thought) for the last 9 years.

leggo

He wasn't though. The person you thought was your best friend isn't the same person that did this to you. What he did there is the sumtotal of who he is and how little regard he has for other people. This was a person who was, likely, deceiving you the entire time you knew him. Now that's not on you, there's nothing more you could've done and you didn't deserve it one bit, you're a victim who fell prey to a very convincing, lying scumbag. That's all. It's not your fault. You're a victim here. That's what you need to make your peace with.

In truth you have all the answers you need. His ex wasn't his ex. He left you for her. He may come back looking to you when the going gets tough there too, and that's something you should pre-emptively emotionally prepare yourself for, that if this person does come crawling back you need to remember the pain he's caused you to feel right now that meant nothing to him. This is all pain he could at least soften, if not completely take away, and he's choosing not to despite the fact you've done nothing to deserve it. That is one of the lowest things you can do to someone when you think of all that goes into it (how easy it would be for him to give you some sense of closure versus how much this hurts you now). You shouldn't and probably couldn't ever forgive him. If and when he does come crawling back, remember that he'd probably do it all again to you when it suits him, even if he says otherwise. He's a convincing liar, remember? This is over, forever, it has to be.

And there's so much more to life than having to deal with people like this. So much happiness that you could yet experience. Now, when the pain subsides (and it will, as unbearable and unending as it may feel now, this is temporary), you can get to experience that. You wouldn't have with this man. He's shown his true colours and the reality was that this pain was always going to be in your future, one way or another, because he doesn't care enough about anyone else that he'd allow it to be so.

Let yourself go through the stages of grief and don't feel bad in doing so. You have to get over this and it's a lot to process, so give yourself time to process it all and come out the other side. But remember what I've said and try let that dominate your thoughts while going through the pain: you're a victim, you did nothing wrong, this man deceived you and is scum for doing so, because of that eventually your life will be better without him in it, you deserve to be happier and will be in time. I wish you the best of luck OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, they really do help a lot. I'm going to print them out for those middle of the night moments to try to break the cycle of going back over everything. I was so careful this time, was trying to keep it casual for a long time and he was the one that really pushed us to become serious. He completely hid any doubts from me.

juno10353

Hi there OP. Of course you feel hurt and betrayed by this man, but as others have said, you have had a lucky escape. You say you are still in love with him, but in reality you are in love with the man you thought he was. The real man is an uncaring selfish dishonest coward who is a liar and a cheat. He most likely has also been lying to his ex. about you too. Anyone who can treat a partner with such disregard is not worthy of love. He certainly is not the man you thought he was.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Im so sorry to hear your story. Its horrible and harrowing to read. I went through a devastating and life changing break up last year with a woman that cheated on me. We have kids together and she was my entire life too - or so i thought. Months of lies and cheating... cheats are fantastic liars, even now she still lies to me about money and stuff with our kids. It's mind boggling how they can try and deceive you - so any explanation you might look for from him will never be the real truth, i promise you that.

It takes a lot of time to get past something like this, the shock is horrible, and the mix of emotion between rage, anger, upset and other mood swings come and go. But you just have to give yourself time and deal with the emotion of this and try get past it in time. Explain to your friends and family whats happened - speak to them and open up. I bottled up my situation for a long time and it ate away at me. Terrible man mistake of not talking.. Don't do that.

Look at it this way - he's a blatant liar and a cheat. He deceived you and without a single word of an explanation. You (and your teenager) DO NOT need someone like that in your life. You are lucky he's gone without causing more damage to your life.

I know you say you love him, of course you feel like that - but in a few months time you'll look back and think how lucky you were that he didn't move in with you and take things even further. Imagine the heartache and pain that would have caused you and your son/daughter.

Its horrible dealing with something like this in life - all i can say to you it to try and step back out of your shoes and take some perspective about how bad life can be at times. Car crashes, illness, etc. You are healthy. You have your family. Just try and stay positive and do things that make you happy. Do something new. Thats one of the few things that really helps me move on.

Best of luck and hugs from the internet.

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This post has been deleted.

Dixie Chick

OP- I cannot add to anything above. I just want to wish you well, this is one of the cruellest and horrible things I have read in a long time. I hope that you make progress soon in getting passed this.

Calypso Realm

I have to say I'm utterly speechless at the callous and cruel way this 'man' has treated you OP. This is as bad as it gets so I'm not surprised you feel you're going insane. What an absolute b*******d this guy is. Incidentally, have you been to the doctor to get some help to get you over this?

When you say ex, is this a wife or girlfriend? What do you mean things with her got messy? I take it when you tried to contact him to find you were blocked? Incredible.

I can guarantee this other woman has little or no idea he's treated you in such an appalling manner-hence one of his main reasons for blocking you, since now he won't have to deal with you blowing up his phone looking for answers, for example, but in your position I'd find a way of letting her know!! Not directly, of course as I'm sure she'll hear about it at some point down the line, anyway. I believe she deserves to know this is the type of person she's dealing with.. No way would I enter into a relationship with someone who'd treated his ex of THREE years like this! Frankly, that would be my closure!! Another reason he's reluctant to confront things and end things formally with you is that ( in his mind, at least) it leaves the door open for a reconciliation with you, should things not work out with her! Subconsciously or not, I can bet this is his MO! It wouldn't surprise me at all, if this guy wanted to cone back at some point down the line!

A few years ago, when I started seeing a guy who claimed he was 'separated' one of the main clues all was not 'well' was the sheer volume of missed calls on his phone one day from his ex-all of which he warded off. Ironically, although he was far more invested than I was and before I had a chance to end it, he actually ghosted on me a few weeks later! After insisting on taking me to the airport when I was gong on holiday, he never turned up! Although I was annoyed at the time at having to make last minute arrangements, I soon put it all behind me and forgot about it all.

Fast forward A YEAR and one morning on my way to work I had a VM from him to contact him urgently and asking for a second chance! Incredible! Reading between the lines, it sounded like the wife had thrown him out or ended things Of course I ignored the msg but later that night he turned up on my doorstep literally PLEADING with me to 'take him back'! WTF I'd dated this guy for a few weeks, had absolutely no feelings for him whatsoever and here he was, making a pathetic spectacle of himself outside my door. So unattractive. Needless to say, I told him where to go! That didn't stop him contacting me again over the next few weeks. Delusional or what.

OP, you WILL get over this some day but meanwhile please take care of YOU.

All the best.

LegacyUser

I don't want to give too many details that might be recognisable. Basically when I say messy, it's to do with a business that though they were separated, she still had dealings with - and all mixed up with moving in with me was the prospect of him having to go it alone. He's very bad with money, and while I'm good with it, I don't have much of it coming in at the moment. Which I think is at the heart of this, she's financially more stable. Because we never had a bad moment together physically, the chemistry was amazing, that much was real. She's also quite controlling which I think makes him feel more secure - but it doesn't matter, he's free to make whatever choices he wants, I'm not interested in convincing someone to be with me. I just can't understand not ending it properly, so of course I'm theorising... maybe he couldn't face me, but he could've written something. And he knows that I'm devastated (damn me for sending that letter) and that just writing 'it's over, good luck with your future' would make things so much easier.

See, all the above is my road to insanity... I've lost a stone I didn't need to lose, though I'm probably drinking that back on now, and other health problems. There are actually things I could tell her that would really hurt her, and maybe split them up, and when I'm feeling really bad I start imagining doing that. But I know that doing that is going to damage me more than them, and make me even more stressed and sick, and one thing I'm hoping to get from writing here is for you good people to reinforce to me not to do that, so I can read it when I'm feeling angry and spiteful.
I need that please, my family and friends aren't helpful - they think that since I went through a bad break up with the father of my child, that this should be easy without kids involved. I'm the only one with a (growing) string of failed relationships, so they aren't really in a position to understand.

Big Bag of Chips

I'd be very surprised if their relationship lasts, OP. Men like him are never really satisfied. They're never settled. They're always looking for what next. He knows it. She probably knows it herself. And when she finds he's getting restless again she'll probably end it, and much like another poster did, you might find him back on your doorstop begging for a chance. Full of lies about how she somehow tricked him or trapped him. The reality will be he'll be looking for a roof over his head!

It's so difficult now, but you know the best thing you can do or say is nothing. Not a thing. He's a dishonest, cowardly man so anything he says will be to protect himself and shift blame to someone, anyone. You, her, your teenager? Really, do yourself the biggest favour of your life and don't go back there. A very wise 14 year old once told me "they'll need you before you need them". And that is absolutely guaranteed for your situation. He'll be back. But you're better than that. Keep your dignity and leave him to the sad mess his life will inevitably be in 10-15-20 years time.

MintyMagnum

Research narcissistic sociopath & thank your lucky stars. Like others have said, you have had a lucky escape. They always pick easy targets so take heart that you are a good, kind person who got involved with an cold self centered game player. They are all about having their own needs met. It isn't even about u. Go easy on yourself. Try to see it like if you we're supporting a friend through this. What would you do or say, and then apply it to yourself. In time you WILL feel better. Just hang in there.

uck51js9zml2yt

You had a lucky escape OP. I would suggest some councelling to help you through this.

You should really get the locks changed. Just so you know, its not a big job. Just a case of changing the barrell where the key goes in for about €60-80. I had to do it myself recently.

Dial Hard

ghosted wrote:

See, all the above is my road to insanity...

OP, the above resonated so strongly with me. My marriage broke up several years ago and my ex went from begging me to come home to telling me he loved someone else in the space of two weeks. I won't go into the details here, but it was like someone had replaced the man I knew and loved with a heartless doppelganger.

In the aftermath, the words "how" and "why" very nearly drove me to a nervous breakdown. They kept me awake at night, as I suspect they are you. I lost a stone in a week too. I was literally, *literally* torturing myself trying to figure out how and why this was happening.

I don't have any easy answers for you, I'm afraid. It doesn't matter how many people here tell you he did you a favour or you dodged a bullet, none of that is going to help your shredded heart right now. All I can tell you is: you will get through this. It will be horrifically difficult, and exhausting, and embarrassing, and all the other things nobody actually ever tells you about going through something like this, but you will come out the other side.

You are going through an actual grieving process right now, the exact same as if you'd suffered a bereavement. Allow yourself to do that; you are allowed to mourn the loss of this relationship. I was surrounded by amazing people that entire time but I have never felt as lost and lonely in my life as I did then because all I wanted was *him*.

Be kind to yourself, OP. Mind yourself. I absolutely, 100% promise you that you will come out the other side of this. And when you do, you'll still be you and he'll still only be a cowardly asshole.

Much love to you.

Yellow pack crisps

You did not get ghosted but you got duped! Short term it sucks and you will need to grieve and be upset and let all that hurt sink in.

Long term it's for the absolute best and you will one day wake up fine. That man you though you knew? You didn't he is just spineless. Once you realise that yiu will be ok.

via4

He is a complete pig you are the lucky one his poor gf you will be ok in a few weeks or months time after the shock has worn off. go get your hair done get some new clothes head off somewhere different for a weekend look forward to your new life xxx