Mate hooks up with someone early in night out leaving you by yourself - ok or not

LegacyUser

I just want some neutral opinions on whether I may be over-reacting or not. My friend and I went on a city break abroad at the weekend. We’re both gay but not and never were into each other but are best friends for years and have gone on countless holidays/city breaks over the years. I’m recently single after a 10 year LTR so this was my first time being single in a long time on one of these breaks – not sure if this is relevant to issue but just for context. My mate and I usually go sightseeing by day on city breaks and then pubs and clubs at night.

This first night we were having great craic on a pub crawl and then at about 11pm, I went to the loo in one of the bars and when I came out a couple of minutes later, my friend was snogging the face off this stranger. I was quite surprised as I didn’t see them flirting previously or my mate hadn’t commented (normally we’d say if we fancy someone in the crowd or observe someone eyeing us up etc). So this songfest goes on for about 20 minutes while I’m just standing there like a spare tool. My mate eventually introduces me to his new interest and then resumes the snogging. I eventually just say I’m going to head off and he asks am I sure and I say I’m grand. I was just disappointed as it was very early in the night and I expected us to continue on to a club at least. Now, hooking up with guys later on or in club settings where you can dance etc, I’ve no problem if one or other of us does it as the night is usually in the final stages at that point anyway but him pairing off so early in the way he did it in a fairly quiet pub, ie ignoring me while I stood there and the fact I was by myself (if other mates were with us, I wouldn’t have minded whatsoever). So I went off to another bar by myself but I just didn’t feel like having a pint by myself at that stage as I was pissed off so I went back to the hotel and was in bed by midnight which was absolutely not my original intention. He eventually stumbled in at some hour much later. If this happened in isolation, I’d say no problem, we’ve all done it but he does this so very often now on many recent trips that I’ve ended up having to continue the nights by myself in pubs or clubs which isn’t necessarily great fun when you’re in a brand new city or else like this past weekend, I just got fed up and headed home.

He met the guy again the next night in a club but at least that was much later (after 2am) and we got a good night in at that stage so I was ok to head home. I’m not saying neither of us should hook up with guys etc but should my mate have ignored me that first night so early, particularly when I didn’t have any other mates to hang out with? The same mate now wants to go to USA for 8 days with me next year and I’m almost thinking twice about this if the same type of thing happens. We don’t really have other friends who would be able to commit to this type of longer trip with us so otherwise I’d be fine if I had other wingmen. Should I discuss it with him or does it make me look like a delicate snowflake if I bring up that I don’t care for this sort of early evening abandonment where I have to continue such nights by myself or else go home early?

Sorry for long post.....

Big Bag of Chips

I'd see where you're coming from and understand your upset, but at the same time you say this is what he does. I think he's young, singke, enjoying the life, and it's not fair to ask him to not do that because you have nobody to talk to. I think next time you plan a weekend break do so in a group or bring at least 1 other person so when your friend does pair up with someone you don't have to sit like a lemon.

It's a bit of bad form on your friends part when he knows you're going to be left on your own. But at the same time, he's just enjoying himself and probably not really thinking about you being left out. Did you say it to him?

Don't go to America! At least not before discussing it with him. I think on an extended trip like that its ok to say you don't want to be left standing every night. It'll be an expensive trip. Would you really want to spend that much money to just sit in a hotel room feeling resentful?!

BetsyEllen

I think it's bad form of your friend.

As you say, it's different when it happens towards the end of the night but to go away together and then him see you go home so early one of the nights is out of order.

I think that you either need to have a chat with him or accept that this is just what he does and make the decision to not go away with him again.

If he's a proper friend though you should be able to discuss it without him having a strop or whatever; It's surprising that he thinks doing this is OK so I'd actually think it quite odd if when it was pointed out to him, he didn't feel a bit mortified and apologise.

Milly33

I would think it is bad form out of your friend, but also its what he does and maybe it is time to say it to him. Constructively of course, there is nothing worse than going on holiday with a friend and feeling alone... It isnt like he is falling in love with these people, he could just have a quick snog and bugger off... Mind just be carefull now when you do say it that you dont end up doing what he is doing to you... Always happens once you have said something haha... If he is a true friend he wont mind

Wompa1

Maybe it's been a long time since you've been in this position but in my experience. If a friend gets in, he gets in. Unless you both specifically say no going off with women then it's fair game. The worst part of that is that it's in a different city but presumably you're a full grown man. In fairness to him, he asked you if you were sure.

Dr Crayfish

I've had friends like this back when I was a young 'un. As soon as a girl comes along their brain just diverts down to their dick and nothing else in the entire world matters except for them getting with the girl. Fair play to them I guess. Actually this happened to me recently, and I'm 36! My drunk mate hooked up with a drunk girl at the bar just as I was starting to have a great time. I just had to shrug my shoulders and say fair play, and headed off and done my own thing.
Nothing you can do about it really, I remember it used to happen to me in God awful places like the Palace when I was in college, and I'd just try and have my own fun, or get with a girl myself.

leggo

Yeah I've got friends like this too. With one group, I remember I couldn't go out with them when they were single and I was with someone because they'd just hook up and I'd be left by myself. That was just their way and all I could really do was take it into account and act accordingly. They brought it up once like "You never go out with the lads anymore since you met her" and I hit them with examples of this happening and they took it well to be fair.

There's not much else you can do. If this person always does it to you, you need to just accept it and decide if you want to keep doing these breaks with him. Or come up with a plan of your own like get on Tinder and try set up a match for that night just in case this guy does his usual tricks so you've something in place for yourself. If it's a once-off then write it off and carry on as normal.

Sadly I feel any attempt to talk or bridge the gap isn't going to go well, what he's doing is a bit poor form but not completely wrong either (people meet people on a night out, he introduced you to this guy and would see that as giving you an opportunity to have the banter and join in the group), so he's likely to get defensive and fight his corner and it could damage the friendship. That is, of course, unless you think you could bring it up (even jokingly to get it on the table) and he'd take it okay.

Lux23

It comes with the territory when you are out with single friends so perhaps you either need to agree beforehand to no scoring or just work out what you will do when they hook up.

Mr. Incognito

Ask a third friend to come along.

Kal El

advicewelcomed wrote: »

I just want some neutral opinions on whether I may be over-reacting or not. My friend and I went on a city break abroad at the weekend. We’re both gay but not and never were into each other but are best friends for years and have gone on countless holidays/city breaks over the years. I’m recently single after a 10 year LTR so this was my first time being single in a long time on one of these breaks – not sure if this is relevant to issue but just for context. My mate and I usually go sightseeing by day on city breaks and then pubs and clubs at night.

This first night we were having great craic on a pub crawl and then at about 11pm, I went to the loo in one of the bars and when I came out a couple of minutes later, my friend was snogging the face off this stranger. I was quite surprised as I didn’t see them flirting previously or my mate hadn’t commented (normally we’d say if we fancy someone in the crowd or observe someone eyeing us up etc). So this songfest goes on for about 20 minutes while I’m just standing there like a spare tool. My mate eventually introduces me to his new interest and then resumes the snogging. I eventually just say I’m going to head off and he asks am I sure and I say I’m grand. I was just disappointed as it was very early in the night and I expected us to continue on to a club at least. Now, hooking up with guys later on or in club settings where you can dance etc, I’ve no problem if one or other of us does it as the night is usually in the final stages at that point anyway but him pairing off so early in the way he did it in a fairly quiet pub, ie ignoring me while I stood there and the fact I was by myself (if other mates were with us, I wouldn’t have minded whatsoever). So I went off to another bar by myself but I just didn’t feel like having a pint by myself at that stage as I was pissed off so I went back to the hotel and was in bed by midnight which was absolutely not my original intention. He eventually stumbled in at some hour much later. If this happened in isolation, I’d say no problem, we’ve all done it but he does this so very often now on many recent trips that I’ve ended up having to continue the nights by myself in pubs or clubs which isn’t necessarily great fun when you’re in a brand new city or else like this past weekend, I just got fed up and headed home.

He met the guy again the next night in a club but at least that was much later (after 2am) and we got a good night in at that stage so I was ok to head home. I’m not saying neither of us should hook up with guys etc but should my mate have ignored me that first night so early, particularly when I didn’t have any other mates to hang out with? The same mate now wants to go to USA for 8 days with me next year and I’m almost thinking twice about this if the same type of thing happens. We don’t really have other friends who would be able to commit to this type of longer trip with us so otherwise I’d be fine if I had other wingmen. Should I discuss it with him or does it make me look like a delicate snowflake if I bring up that I don’t care for this sort of early evening abandonment where I have to continue such nights by myself or else go home early?

Sorry for long post.....

I agree with you buddy, Id be pissed off. Its why I would never go out drinking alone with my best friend. He knows it, I know it, if he sees a girl he will ditch me. So I always make sure there is another lad/gal with us