Husband has had a breakdown

LegacyUser

Hi all

I'm looking for some advice please. My husband recently has had a mental breakdown and is currently receiving treatment for this. He was in a very very bad place and was threatening to end his own life but thankfully these threats have stopped.

While my husband was in hospital I found out that he's been having numerous online affairs, nothing physical but none the less very close online relationships. He was asking people to meet up with him. Some messages are running me down and saying how bad a person I am and how trapped he feels with me and our children.

My query is - has anyone been through this before? Does this type of deceit come with mental illness or should I be viewing this separately from those issues.

Taltos

Mod Note
Any advice that steps into the realm of the medical will result in this thread being closed down. Please keep your advice on point to the relationship without any type of diagnoses.

Thanks

Witchie

Every circumstance is different but sometimes when there are mental health issues like what your husband is possibly going through, there can be some confusion and delusion. The online affairs might be a part of that.

My advice to you would be to say nothing, for now, allow the professionals to work with him and when things are more stable and steady gently broach the subject with him. He may not even have full recollection of this behaviour.

If he is bipolar, when he is on a "high" he could have feelings of grandeur which could be seen as him not seeing you as worthy of someone as wonderful as him and feeling like he needs to be adored by all these other women to make up for it.

I would not take it personally - yet. Get things stable then look at it again. If he knew what he was doing and he does feel trapped, then maybe it is time to walk away but at least you will do so knowing that you gave him all the support and help that you could.

Best of luck op, it is never easy dealing with mental illness like this so I hope you can stay strong for you and your children. x

FortySeven

The fact that you are asking and not already running for the hills suggests that you love your husband and are willing to help him through this.

There is no easy answer. It could be due to his mental health condition that he has been online 'shopping', but it may not.

Witchie is correct in the grandiose belief. I suffer from this as I am bipolar. Situations as she has described have been common in my life and much worse. Of course, this was when I was undiagnosed. With treatment I am stable and normal. So yes, it does happen unfortunately. Again. That is just my own experience and I'm not saying this is what is going on with your husband.

All you can do is be there for him, it is not easy to deal with someone with mental illness, especially when you feel slighted and cheated.

I think you have to hold onto the positives. It seems he didn't cheat. He is still alive and has sought help. There is still a basis of a solid marriage here if this is a treatable condition.

However, there are no definites in the situation you are in. If I were you I would try to get involved in his treatment, you are going to be a large part of this whether you or he likes it or not. Open communication is key now.

Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

Best of luck.

Fluffy Cat 88

Im really glad your husband is getting the help he needs.

Perhaps you could contact the doctor who is treating your husband and ask him/her to refer you to a professional you could talk to.

At least then you would get professional advice and also an explanation of how you can cope and look after yourself. It's great that your husband has such a supportive partner but you need to put yourself first sometimes too.

You're hurt and you need reassurance, not from an anonymous forum but from someone who understands the situation.

I really hope you do this for yourself.

Take care op.

LegacyUser

If my experience with online dating is anything to go by, there are hundreds of married men on online dating websites looking to have affairs.
On and off I've been on these sites for almost 5 years and quite a significant number would say they're unhappily married or not getting any or enough sex at home, staying G or the kids, love their wife but things have changed.

I can only speak for the men I've had message me although they do say there are married women there also looking for affairs or one night stands or whatever.
As for your husband surely the priority now is for him to get his mental strength back .
At some point you might need to have a serious look at where your relationship is at/was at.
Would you have said you were both happily married pre breakdown, or do you think you had problems?
You might need to talk this through with a councillor as it is huge for you.

I don't mean to be harsh to you at this trying time, but I'm seriously stunned when I see the amount of married men on these sites, some with their faces shown.
Nobody knows what anyone truly is hiding.

Harika

I can only tell you from my experience when my partner has an episode or event, when the depression fully kicks in. The wrath and abuse I am experiencing then is tremendous and basically I am the worst person ever in the world. Things that are said are kicking towards my personality, how trust unworthy I am, how greedy I am, how life would be better without me and so on.
It always takes me everything to not slash back but it is the depression shouting here at me, and by pushing back I would just make the situation worse in short and long term. So I endure it and think about the good times to come, when this episode ends.
Also we see professionals to work here on it, what is for me a good sign, as there is willingness to solve the situation.
Unfortunately, there is really not much you can do yourself, but be there for him, support him and get a vent yourself with someone you trust or a professional as your mental health is also very important and it is easy to be kicked out of balance by such horrifying events.