Reluctant to date girl because of story she told

LegacyUser

So I've been chatting to a girl on tinder for a few weeks, but we have never been on a date. Not because we are not interested in meeting, but that we just have been busy for one reason or another. I had work related exams that I had to study for and she had to travel home the weekends I was free.

I was all set up for meeting her until she told me a story about a night out she had. I don't know why she told me this but she said she went out for drinks with her friends and got very drunk. She met a guy at a bar and she told me she went back to a hotel room with him. She didn't remember much from the night, and seemed concerned by how much she drank.

Just to be clear, she wasn't sexually assaulted or anything, but may have not had gone back to this guys hotel room if she was sober.

She may have been confiding in me and looking for a bit of comfort, but this really put me off going on a date with her. She's a lovely girl, but now I get this impression that she has no issue with hooking up with random guys on a night out. I get a bit paranoid over STD's and for all I know she could easily have picked up something from a drunken night.

It's a terrible thing to say, because she's a lovely girl, but what else am I meant to think?Am I wrong to judge based on this one action?

I'm sure that any girl I've dated before has had a one night stand, but there was a bit of comfort not knowing for sure. Ignorance is bliss I guess. Before you ask, no, I've never hooked up with a girl on a night out like that. I'm more of a date first kind of guy!

What would you do in my position? Am I being over judgmental?

Merkin

What an utterly bizarre thing to tell you. What was she hoping to achieve by telling you something like that? I'd probably be reluctant too if I was in your shoes and chalk it down to her being an oddball more than anything.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Nah, go with your gut. The ONS wouldn't bother me one bit. Telling me about it would.

listermint

Op on tinder.... And doesn't expect to meet people who have had one night stands....


Does not compute

Jayop

No problem at all with her doing it. She's presumably pretty young and single. The issue is her telling someone she wants to date. Very irregular! I don't really get this tinder craic so I don't know how intimate you would get on it but if you were chatting up a girl/boy in a pub and they told you that you'd think they were a bit strange.

Idle Passerby

Maybe she doesn't want to date you. It doesn't seem like a story for someone your intetested in and havnt even met yet. My guess is she thinks your nice/likes chatting to you and this is her heads up to you that she doesn't see you as a romantic interest.

Either that or she is shook up about what happened and has no one else to speak to about it. Which is a sad possibility.

LegacyUser

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Maybe she doesn't want to date you. It doesn't seem like a story for someone your intetested in and havnt even met yet. My guess is she thinks your nice/likes chatting to you and this is her heads up to you that she doesn't see you as a romantic interest.

Either that or she is shook up about what happened and has no one else to speak to about it. Which is a sad possibility.

She has been asking me to go on a date a few times since and I have just been putting her off because of that story, trying to think if this is someone I actually want to meet.

And I think you are correct in the last sentence. She did seem very concerned at the time and I guess she felt she could confide in me, which makes me feel worse about the whole situation.

ManOfMystery

She's testing you. I'd put money on it.

You've been chatting on Tinder, you seem to like each other, but a date hasn't happened yet. She knows why she hasn't been able to make the dates, but perhaps she doesn't buy your (genuine) reason of exams and such and thinks it's a bit of a fib on your part. I think she's told you about this guy to see how you'll react and if there's any jealousy on your part, and to see if you're really interested in her or if it's becoming a friend zone thing. People who are interested in dating someone else don't ordinarily come out with stuff like that.

Idle Passerby

Hmm it's a slightly odd one. Telling you suggests she's not interested. If she wanted to test you I doubt shed have said "I fall into bed with strangers then regret it" it's not a story that's going to make anyone think "wow she's a catch, I better hurry up and make a move!"

I wonder is she upset over what happened and just unloaded to someone inapropriate.

Either way it's a weird thing to tell someone you barely know. I wouldn't condemn her for the action but I'd question why she would think it was appropriate to tell a guy she's only chatting to on tinder. For that reason I'd probably avoid getting further involved.

Xterminator

Oh god, get off your high horse.

she got locked and went back to a fellas room. Afterwards she had the sense to think about her risky behaviour, and the stupidity to trust you with the story.

what was it jesus said, let he who is without sin cast the 1st stone. So OP and Boardsies, before casting your stones, can you please testify you have clean hands and have never in your life acted in a manner that you regretted later?

sheesh.

MeatTwoVeg

She's either incredibly stupid, needy or an attention seeker.
Either way I wouldn't bother.

skallywag

Nothing at all wrong with her having a rethink and confiding in a friend etc on the matter. Not many of us are whither than white.

Telling a randomer on the internet raises both eyebrows though. I'd certainly not be contacting her again.

Jayop

Xterminator wrote: »

Oh god, get off your high horse.

she got locked and went back to a fellas room. Afterwards she had the sense to think about her risky behaviour, and the stupidity to trust you with the story.

what was it jesus said, let he who is without sin cast the 1st stone. So OP and Boardsies, before casting your stones, can you please testify you have clean hands and have never in your life acted in a manner that you regretted later?

sheesh.

I don't think anyone has got up on a high horse about her getting her hole. More power to her, but telling a potential date about it is very weird.

Xterminator

I was all set up for meeting her until she told me a story ..... but this really put me off going on a date with her. ..... now I get this impression that she has no issue with hooking up with random guys on a night out......it's a terrible thing to say, because she's a lovely girl, but what else am I meant to think?Am I wrong to judge based on this one action?...... Before you ask, no, I've never hooked up with a girl on a night out like that. I'm more of a date first kind of guy! What would you do in my position? Am I being over judgmental?

no one getting on their high horse eh? which post did you read?

BetsyEllen

It would absolutely put me off someone. Very strange to tell a potential date this story; I wouldn't even be questioning it, I just wouldn't go out with them now.

Most people have a one night stand at some stage in their lives, there is nothing wrong with her doing that. But you don't need to know about it and it's odd that she told you.

bucketybuck

Xterminator wrote: »

Oh god, get off your high horse

In your rush to roll your eyes as hard as you could you seem to have missed that nobody had any problem with a girl having a one night stand.

OP, it is absolutely strange for a girl you haven't even met and who wants to go for a date to be telling you all about who she has been shagging recently.

Jayop

Xterminator wrote: »

no one getting on their high horse eh? which post did you read?

Every reply to the OP. Try it before telling everyone to get off their high horse.


Neigh

Lux23

Maybe I am a bit of a tramp, but what young, Irish person hasn't gone home with a person after a few drinks? The OP shouldn't date this girl, if he thinks their morals are not compatible but I am surprised that so many people would find this strange. Or is it the girl telling the story that people find strange? Because maybe she is the type to be open and honest.

skallywag

Lux23 wrote: »

...Or is it the girl telling the story that people find strange? ...

Clearly.

Have you read the replies on the thread at all?

Riskymove

Lux23 wrote: »

Because maybe she is the type to be open and honest.

The OP has been chatting online with this Girl. They have not even met.

Then she basically says "oh by the way, I got so drunk the other night I ended up in some other guys place and I have no idea what happened after that......so....how about a date tonight?"

A girl has a right to do whatever she wants...but frankly, the story seems more like she wasn't in control of what happened at all and has no idea what may have occurred.

This is not about having an issue with one night stands. It is about having an issue with someone ending up in that scenario and seemingly not bothered.

If she is happy with it so be it....but the OP has a right to be put off by it if he wants.

Ursus Horribilis

I don't know what to make of it to be honest. More context is needed I think. All types of people have one night stands and feel all sorts of different emotions about them afterwards. For some people, having one night stands is their way of learning that they're not for them. Maybe for this girl, having too much to drink and having sex with this guy rocked her to the core and is bothering her. She might not have anyone she feels she can talk to about it. Sometimes it's easier to unload onto a stranger than someone she knows in real life. It was an ill judged thing to say but maybe it was a lapse rather than a flaw in her character.
Maybe you should meet her in real life and try to suss her out. It's only a date, after all. Not a commitment to marry her.

BetsyEllen

Lux23 wrote: »

Maybe I am a bit of a tramp, but what young, Irish person hasn't gone home with a person after a few drinks? The OP shouldn't date this girl, if he thinks their morals are not compatible but I am surprised that so many people would find this strange. Or is it the girl telling the story that people find strange? Because maybe she is the type to be open and honest.

There are many things that people may do regularly and have every right to do, it doesn't mean that everyone will agree with their actions.

I don't understand why some posters are still querying what the OP's issue is, he has clearly stated it's the fact that she told him about the ONS, not that it happened.

If I was about to start dating someone I would hardly want to know about their drunken sexual shenanigans with another person, who would?
It's strange that she told him and honestly believed it would have no affect on his desire to date her.

cactusgal

Everyone is different. I don't do one night stands, and don't plan on doing so in the future. That doesn't make me close minded or judgemental, but I generally would date people with similar feelings regarding sex.

I'd also feel uncomfortable dating someone who drank so much that they felt as if they weren't in control of themselves, or had placed themselves in a dangerous situation. I don't need that kind of drama at this point in my life (late 30s).

And, like the OP, I'd feel uncomfortable if someone I was thinking about dating was telling me about their one night stands. Lonely or clueless or attention-seeking, it would put me off.

The OP also mentioned concern regarding STIs. This is legitimate, and he shouldn't be considered judgemental / on his high horse for expressing this concern. Two good friends of mine got herpes from one night stands (one from oral sex, the other vaginal sex -used condoms, but not 100% effective if there's an active outbreak of herpes present), so it can happen.

Bottom line, OP, if it's a turn off for you, that's OK. Everyone has different attitudes towards these things, and it's natural to want to date someone whose attitudes align with yours.

Lux23

All valid points but I think he is a bit naive to think that other girls who don't tell him these things aren't engaging in similar activities. I would be more worried about the person who keeps this stuff a secret.

Heat_Wave

Strangely enough I have accidentally done this once or twice. *insert monkey face covering eyes here*

In my case, there was something on my mind that was causing me a lot of stress. I was afraid to confide in a friend for fear they would judge me, and I certainly couldn't confide in my family. Therefore I confided in someone I had being texting, as they had never met me in person so I didn't really fear the judgement. I actually wrongly assumed they would be supportive, as let's face it, ONS's are incredibly common nowadays. It would be rich if someone was to pass judgement.

Anyway needless to say what I told him turned him off and he cut me off. I regretted telling him immediately afterwards but I was in a vulnerable state and wanted someone to just 'listen'. I have learned my lesson though and will not do that again.

I'd give her another chance OP. 99% of girls will have a ONS at some stage in their life. Only if you want to though.

EDIT: If this is something she did WHILST texting you then my God run! If it is something she did in the past, then give her a chance.

Apologies, I didn't clarify this.

BetsyEllen

Lux23 wrote: »

All valid points but I think he is a bit naive to think that other girls who don't tell him these things aren't engaging in similar activities. I would be more worried about the person who keeps this stuff a secret.

So if you were in regular conversation with a guy and planning on meeting, then he text you saying 'oh my God, I got wasted last night and ended up in bed with a girl but I don't really remember it' you would still think - wow I can't wait to meet this guy?

I don't believe it for a second.

Not telling a potential date you had a one night stand is hardly keeping it a secret? It's just about keeping some things to yourself and keeping your sex life what it should be; private.

MeatTwoVeg

Lux23 wrote: »

All valid points but I think he is a bit naive to think that other girls who don't tell him these things aren't engaging in similar activities. I would be more worried about the person who keeps this stuff a secret.

I wouldn't.

I'd be far more worried about anyone who felt the need to divulge their every drunken shag to me before we'd even met up.

readyletsgo

Lux23 wrote: »

All valid points but I think he is a bit naive to think that other girls who don't tell him these things aren't engaging in similar activities. I would be more worried about the person who keeps this stuff a secret.

I don't think people clearly understand what the OP is saying here.

He is saying, he likes this girl, never met in real life due to exams for him and her not being around at the weekend, OK, fine.

The next part, SHE told him (potential guy for a first date), that she got so f ucked up last night and went home with a guy and doesn't remember what happened.

Now, no one is give the girl s hit for having a ONS, no body cares about that, she can have as many ONS's as she likes, no bother, that's her business like anyone else.

The PROBLEM is that she, for some reason, TOLD the OP about this ONS. Why? Why would she TELL him about it?

Only reason I could think of is that she's not into OP anymore and is using this to push him away from meeting for a FIRST date, or she doesn't have anyone to talk to AT ALL about what happened, which is sad in its own right if true, poor girl.

Now OP states that ONS are not his thing at all, but does not care about people having ONS. He's just wondering why she would tell him about it, as a potential first date guy.

Really, to me it's very clear, why don't you and others understand this.


To OP, I think you should move on, your head would be wrecked, you just have a different view on things. Don't get hung up on it and just move on.

Lux23

Fair enough.

Katgurl

She sounds like a dope - no more, no less.

She must have got gerself into some state the other night. You haven't said what age you both are. If she is 25+, she should have gotten her act together by now. If she's younger then she needed this wake up call and hopefully pays attention.

I don't think you need to worry that it is standard behaviour. If that was the case she wouldn't be upset about it.

The really bizarre part is her telling you. I've experienced this level of over-sharing of shameful secrets the other way around. It wasn't about a ONS but a drunken humiliating experience. I think he was lonely and wanted to feel close to someone.

Frankly I'd like someone a little more togetjer and I make no apology for that. It's up to you if you wanna proceed with the date but I'd feel no obligation in your shoes.

Eric Cartman

she's trying to imply that if you go out for drinks and get pissed it will turn into the ride. She's after a ONS , if you want that, grand, if not , unmatch son.

Bunny Colvin

Eric Cartman wrote: »

she's trying to imply that if you go out for drinks and get pissed it will turn into the ride. She's after a ONS , if you want that, grand, if not , unmatch son.

I think this is spot on. It's still bizarre though.

beks101

I've had a few guys do this before when I was younger. I just assumed they were players and generally out to get laid and didn't give any thought to my feelings beyond that, so cut them loose.

An assumption on my part, but it's a strange way to act around someone you're supposedly romantically interested in. Doesn't exactly give a good impression like. Like you OP, I had that visual of recklessness and STDs etc imprinted on my brain and couldn't really get passed it. Not to mention the fact that the motive for imparting that information can't have been too great. Either attempts to make you jealous, tactlessness or downright stupidity. You're perfectly entitled to decide she's not for you and move on.

LegacyUser

The more I think about it, the more I feel she has genuine concerns about what happened that night. As though it's never happened before. She mentioned that she didn't remember going back to his room, but she does remember chatting to the guy. She hinted that she could have been slipped something in her drink, because she never blacked out like that before. I don't know if that was an honest statement or just a hyperbole having gotten so drunk.

It's just so hard to tell what someone else is thinking when you are just messaging through the phone. She could have been in a panic that day and needed to talk to someone, as some of you have said. I offered some advice, but after that day it was never mentioned again.

Since then I've drifted away from messaging her, but it doesn't seem like she has linked it at all with the story she told me. I could easily cut all contact with her, but that seems cruel. Or I could tell her my concerns, but that could be just as bad!

It's a shame because I had high hopes, especially as I don't go on that many dates.

PopTarts

MeatTwoVeg wrote: »

She's either incredibly stupid, needy or an attention seeker.
Either way I wouldn't bother.

This sums it up. Don't waste your time.

skallywag

I'd be keeping well away from her, she really sounds like trouble if you ask me.

The Draugan

Dont over think it OP , if she sounded concerned about it its probably out of character for her and even at that a girl who enjoys the odd one night stand isn't guaranteed to have STD's , there not actually as common as they told you in School no doubt.

I'd 100% go on the date

LegacyUser

People are complex, and often do and say things counterintuitive or counterproductive to what they actually want.
Reading between the lines, this girl wants to date you. She wants you to think she's desired (she goes out, she has guys desiring her), she want you to get a move on (she's going out and there's the potential of other guys getting her if you don't chase her), she's acting 'concerned' about the other night (implying she never does this, she was out and all those guys who want her are leading her astray, so you better step up). Her 'concern' about the other night is saying I don't want this, I'm done with this lonely drinking partying life, I want something more meaningful, I want someone (you) to save me from this and I want to properly date you because you're a nice guy, unlike the other guy who tried to take advantage.

No it wasn't the best thing to say but this is my guess at what is going on. We're all a bit insecure, a bit fragile, don't hold it against her. She probably assumes you're out meeting loads of women too since you're on tinder and wanted to get in there first. It probably never occurred to her you think much of her at all. Say to her you were a bit put off by her telling you this. Be honest. Either that or just forget her. You've nothin to lose.

CaoimheSquee

You guys had been talking for a few weeks and so maybe during a conversation together she felt comfortable at that moment to confide. It all depends on the context of the conversation. Did she just suddenly blurt it out or was it after many chats and getting a bit closer? i sustect the latter. Maybe she felt it was easier to reveal to a stranger rather than a close friend or family as yet as her mind was still a bit troubled over it. She may even regret ever saying it to you and just made a bad decision at that moment to reveal so much and maybe read the signs wrong as to how much trust had been gained in your relationship built so far. She over egged it and said too much, it's not that big a deal.
Either way I think you are reading a little bit too much in to it but if it bothers you THIS much then put the poor girl out of her misery and let her move on.

daisybelle2008

doll1234 wrote: »

I want someone (you) to save me from this

People who need 'saving' from themselves are best avoided. It screams drama and neediness. In any event, that's speculating on her reasons for saying it. Sharing the information in the first place is what would put me right off. If she has issues with her behavior she needs to come to terms with it herself not unburdening on people she barely knows.

bucketybuck

CaoimheSquee wrote: »

it's not that big a deal.
Either way I think you are reading a little bit too much in to it

Its not life or death, but it is in fact something of a deal.

They are at a stage where they are both wondering if the other is somebody they want to have a relationship with, where they need to weigh up all the info and make a decision. Relationships can have consequences so its not something to take lightly, how many people ended up entangled in drama and wishing they hadn't ignored the warning signs?

And what this girl has said could well be a warning sign, in fact if I were in his shoes it would be a huge red flag to me. Firstly why is she telling me this now? I assume that any girl I meet has a sexual history but there is a time and a place to hear about your potential girlfriend ****ing other men and I'm not sure this was it, what sort of socially clueless girl is she that she didn't realise that? Secondly, what does the story itself say? Is she the type to lose control when drunk and sleep with strangers, and will she do it even when in a relationship?

She could be a genuine girl who just wanted to share something, or she could be a drama llama who sleeps around and gets a kick from the fallout, who knows, we certainly don't. But I do reject the notion that it doesn't really matter, because actually this is the time when it does matter, and the OP would be wise to recognise those warning signs and perhaps dig a little deeper before committing to anything.

laserlad2010

I was out on the first date with my current girlfriend when she drunkenly told me a story of 2 one night stands whilst on holidays a few weeks previously. To be honest, the next day I was a little put off but then I put myself in her shoes, how would I like to be treated etc.

She was naturally mortified that she had said anything, and I liked her enough to just get over it. I myself was seeing other girls at that time, couldn't have expected her to be a nun!

Anyway, I'm glad I didn't make any rash decisions because a few months down the line I'm the happiest I've ever been.

OP, do you like this girl? Yeah, she's put her foot in it here. Why not give her a break? What's the rest of your interaction like? If you get on well, and she's nice, funny, interesting etc. I would personally advise to give it a shot. Forget about the story. If you get any more wobbles like this perhaps its better to leave it, but in my opinion none of us are perfect.

Ursus Horribilis

Regardless of whether you go on a date with her or not, there is no guarantee this will work out. It's very easy to build up false pictures in your mind of what a person is like when you're only communicating by electronic means. The general advice for online dating is that you should meet the person fairly quickly.

I think you need to get off the fence sooner rather than later. What good is postponing the date going to do? This is dragging on too long in my opinion. If this is putting you off her, then cut your losses and move on. If you're still unsure, what harm will meeting her do? Suss her out. Seriously, it's not as if it's a marriage proposal you're grappling with. It's a date.

CaoimheSquee

bucketybuck wrote: »

Its not life or death, but it is in fact something of a deal.

They are at a stage where they are both wondering if the other is somebody they want to have a relationship with, where they need to weigh up all the info and make a decision. Relationships can have consequences so its not something to take lightly, how many people ended up entangled in drama and wishing they hadn't ignored the warning signs?

And what this girl has said could well be a warning sign, in fact if I were in his shoes it would be a huge red flag to me. Firstly why is she telling me this now? I assume that any girl I meet has a sexual history but there is a time and a place to hear about your potential girlfriend ****ing other men and I'm not sure this was it, what sort of socially clueless girl is she that she didn't realise that? Secondly, what does the story itself say? Is she the type to lose control when drunk and sleep with strangers, and will she do it even when in a relationship?

She could be a genuine girl who just wanted to share something, or she could be a drama llama who sleeps around and gets a kick from the fallout, who knows, we certainly don't. But I do reject the notion that it doesn't really matter, because actually this is the time when it does matter, and the OP would be wise to recognise those warning signs and perhaps dig a little deeper before committing to anything.

Again reading WAAAY too much into this. I would say the poor girl over shared and is mortified. She probably just confided on spur of the moment and either way a one night stand is no big deal anyway.
If you have certain moral standards that a potential girlfriend must adhere to then i think it would be best move on and find someone more like minded, and not make the poor girl feel guilty over it all!

bucketybuck

CaoimheSquee wrote: »

Again reading WAAAY too much into this. I would say the poor girl over shared and is mortified. She probably just confided on spur of the moment and either way a one night stand is no big deal anyway.

How many times does it have to be pointed out that nobody has a problem with one night stands?

One night stands are perfectly fine, but telling a guy with whom you would like to have a date about your recent drunken shag is just not the done thing. Its not wrong, its not illegal, its simply something that people don't do.

It doesn't necessarily mean the OP should run for the hills, but he is right to find it strange.

SATSUMA

Why don't you just ask her why she told you that? Then you will know why. Anything else is speculation.

_Whimsical_

I wouldn't bother OP. This is obviously an issue for you personally, you're allowed to decide who you date based on their behaviour.

If you feel you're seeing what you consider a red flag before you're invested at all why would you press on and go further?

jimd2

As others have said there are red flags all over the place with this one and not just related to her promiscuity.

I am not sure what age she is but she has no idea a. how to handle her drink and b. how to behave once she has drink taken.

Maybe she will transform into a more moral person that you feel would be a good match / partner for you but are you willng to take the chance? Its up to you but unless she is really attractive, good job, clever etc or someone you really have a connection with then its not worth the effort.

The other red flag I have is her (possible) lack of friends / confidants. She barely knows you and is spilling out he concerns about her own behaviour. If her concerns are genuine then why is she telling you who she barel knows and not her friends - unless she has very few - another poor sign.

Your only option is to be up front and let her know your genuine concerns at her behavour and general lack of judgement and see how she deals with it. If it was me it would be very difficult to see her has a long term partner as i would like to think my gf / wife would have more class.

FortySeven

I don't get it? You like this girl? Go on a date with her. Stop reading so much into it. So she did something that normal people do and then told you about it to gauge your reaction. You posted it on the internet for advice and everyone is guessing her motives and moralizing her behaviour and wringing their hands........

If you like her, go on a date. The worst that could happen is she might get drunk and end up in bed with you. Win, win.

I mean, really? She's not going to murder you or anything, just play it by ear.

StupidLikeAFox

People are saying the ONS is fine and normal behaviour....until she actually says it out loud. Sure we all do it.....but it's a shameful dirty secret, and actually admitting it means she has motives, is trouble, is an idiot, attention seeker or some sort of unhinged damaged goods. Give me a break, the logic is way off here

OP, don't let one story completely turn you off, if it becomes a pattern or she it seems like she is boasting it is something else, but it would be ridiculous to take one isolated story and completely judge a person on it. I would personally prefer to have somebody who is comfortable and open about talking about the good and the bad, then make a judgement on the whole package, rather than somebody who is hiding stuff due to some perceived social rules around what is acceptable conversation in the early stages of courtship

leggo

StupidLikeAFox wrote: »

People are saying the ONS is fine and normal behaviour....until she actually says it out loud. Sure we all do it.....but it's a shameful dirty secret, and actually admitting it means she has motives, is trouble, is an idiot, attention seeker or some sort of unhinged damaged goods. Give me a break, the logic is way off here

I think people aren't getting the problem here: she told him that for a reason. It wasn't part of a conversation where it came up naturally else the OP wouldn't be posting here. It's not a normal thing to do when you're texting someone you're romantically interested in. So the options are:

1) She's trying to make him jealous (playing games, possible headwrecker)
2) She's really promiscuous or an over-sharer (attention seeker)
3) She's trying to passive-aggressively tell him that she wants to sleep with other people and be casual (a bizarre and hurtful way to communicate)

Or some other weird game.

I'd just cut my losses with this one. No harm done, it's clearly put you off OP so onto the next one!