Cutting friend out of my life - Alcoholism.

AlabamaWorley

Hi All,

I (26/F) have a friend; let's call him E (33/M) , he is in a relationship with R.

E has been a friend of my older brothers' since childhood, but over the last few years I have been hanging out with E a lot more (weekly) as I became quite close to R.

However, since the beginning of their relationship 5 years ago (baby within first year) E has started drinking a lot more - we all enjoy our drink and unfortunately it bonds us together, however as the years have gone by I am less inclined to drink as much as them (almost finished college, can see the damage it is causing, want to move on)

E is becoming increasingly more, volatile, argumentative, insecure and paranoid - parties/get togethers ending with him repeating stories over and over, accusing people of talking or laughing about him, accusing people of stealing his drink, always ends in an argument and is increasingly uncomfortable to be around, I feel threatened/unsafe when around him. (these events also occurring in front of his child (3).

R pretends nothing has happened when the booze/hangover fades, which is irritating for me and others - has anyone dealt with issues like this? I have tried numerous times to confront E about this, both drunk and sober but there has been no improvement, in fact, it is getting worse.

Any advice? Is it cruel to cut someone out for my own sanity?

Big Bag of Chips

Talking to him drunk is pointless. Completely pointless. Talking to him sober is pointless until he is willing to admit himself that his drinking is becoming a problem. What is he addind to your life at the moment that makes you want to keep in touch with him? Do you have to be in contact with him? If you cut him out, are you cutting out a large part of your social circle?

Although it seems at this point you are beginning to move on from the drinking and partying that goes with college and your 20s. Some people grow out of it, some people just can't leave it behind. He's not your responsibility and if you don't enjoy his company anymore, I really don't see any reason to continue being in it.

Edit: Sorry, I didn't notice the bit about his partner pretending it's nothing happened, I thought you were talking about him. She has to pretend everything is fine! It's her life. It's her partner. You see him socially for a few hours a week/fortnight whatever. She lives with him 24/7. She knows EXACTLY how bad it is, trust me. But, like all partners of alcoholics she has taken on the role of "minding" him. Making sure he gets out and home safely. Making sure he has enough beer to keep him going, because he'll sulk if there's not. She is the one keeping the peace. She's the one living with his paranoia, and volatility. You see it in small doses. She's living with it. And because she's living with it she's almost normalising it. It's not normal. She knows it's not. But she hopes someday it'll end (his problem, not necessarily the relationship). Please don't be frustrated at her. She is enabling him, but it's what people do out of love. Don't turn your back on her. But don't lecture her either. She doesn't need to be told. She knows more about it and him than you do!

Xterminator

reading your post it i would question if your focus is on his partner, and changing her mind/behaviour?

It obviously not a healthy relationship, he's killing himself and she's picking up the pieces and enabling his behaviour at the same time, while trying to raise a child. Now that's ****ty place to be, and she could probably do with support - not judgement.

Cutting the drunk out of your life for your own sake is probably for the best, its a good idea.
You could offer her a person to talk to and a safe haven if ever needed if you think its appropriate. But keep the judgement to yourself(if you are not already be doing that ) & dont add to her burden.

skallywag

AlabamaWorley wrote: »

... (these events also occurring in front of his child (3)

All other aspects aside, acting in this drunken manner in front of a child of 3 is completely unacceptable. Surely R cannot bat this one away?

I would take this angle with her.

AlabamaWorley

Xterminator wrote: »

reading your post it i would question if your focus is on his partner, and changing her mind/behaviour?

It wouldn't be my main focus, I find it uncomfortable how ****ty and unreasonable he can be towards his friends, and she agrees that his behaviour is unacceptable, yet the following day or so, things are seemingly back to normal for them, while affecting me and other friends quite badly.

AlabamaWorley

skallywag wrote: »

All other aspects aside, acting in this drunken manner in front of a child of 3 is completely unacceptable. Surely R cannot bat this one away?

I would take this angle with her.

They are both often arguing in front of the child.

bucketybuck

Do yourself a massive favour, walk away from them both and stay away. You cannot fix them, all you will do is give yourself hassle and heartache over something that you can't change and that isn't your job anyway.

Walk away, let them sort themselves out and put your energy into making yourself happy.

screamer

Every alcoholic had an enabler and his partner is the enabler here. Why would be change anything when she tells him it's all fine and grand? You cant help someone who doesn't acknowledge a problem so rather than beating yourself up over it just distance yourself. You'll make and lose many friends in life but for your own sanity you need to know when to just walk away.

Sinall

I'm a bit confused by your focus on R - it sounds like you're disappointed with her for not rowing in behind you and agreeing with your view?

As Big Bag of Chips said, she is the one living it every day. She sees way more of E than you do. If you want to distance yourself from E go ahead or maybe have another chat with him as a concerned friend. But don't expect R to fight your corner for you - sounds like she has her own battles ahead.

If you feel unsafe then keep your distance. If you are invested in the friendship then try to see E in a non-drinking capacity.

AlabamaWorley

Sinall wrote: »

I'm a bit confused by your focus on R - it sounds like you're disappointed with her for not rowing in behind you and agreeing with your view?

As Big Bag of Chips said, she is the one living it every day. She sees way more of E than you do. If you want to distance yourself from E go ahead or maybe have another chat with him as a concerned friend. But don't expect R to fight your corner for you - sounds like she has her own battles ahead.

If you feel unsafe then keep your distance. If you are invested in the friendship then try to see E in a non-drinking capacity.

I am focused on R as she is my friend and I worry about her and how she is affected by the situation.

AlabamaWorley

Thanks all for your replies; will take each of them onboard.

Big Bag of Chips

AlabamaWorley wrote: »

she agrees that his behaviour is unacceptable, yet the following day or so, things are seemingly back to normal for them, while affecting me and other friends quite badly.

That's because the following day or so he's not drinking/drunk and she sees the side of him that isn't aggressive and paranoid and whatever else. You and the other friends only really see him when you are all drinking, so that's now the majority view of him you have. Her's is quite different. She sees him day to day. It would seem close to 100% of your time with him involves drink and him being drunk. For her that might only be 20% of their time together and the rest of the time things aren't so bad. It's easier for her to forgive and forget because as his partner she has an emotional loyalty to him that friends tend not to have. And she spends more time with him in a non-drinking situation that you do.

But, you cannot interfere in another person's relationship. You can tell him you think he's on a bad path. You don't need to tell her. She knows. But you can be there as a support for her. She's alone. Very alone. She has a small child and an alcoholic partner. I wouldn't say this is how she planned it all to be. It can take years for someone to admit they have a drink problem. Years. It can also take years for the people closest to them to realise they are not helping the person. The people around the alcoholic usually know it before the alcoholic does. But there's a denial that comes with being an alcoholic, and there's an acceptance and denial too that comes with being the partner of an alcoholic. And no matter how well meaning, advice or opinion from friends can just be taken as interference. If R is your friend, then just be her friend. It will come to a head of it's own accord but it won't happen overnight.

I'd not put myself in E's company much anymore, but I would continue to be a friend to R. A non-judgemental friend.

Edit: also she is not responsible for how he behaves. If you and his friends aren't happy with how he treats you, take it up with him. Not her. If he doesn't listen then you deal with that. You're all adults so able to fight your own corners without needing a middleman.

Sinall

AlabamaWorley wrote: »

Sinall wrote: »

I'm a bit confused by your focus on R - it sounds like you're disappointed with her for not rowing in behind you and agreeing with your view?

As Big Bag of Chips said, she is the one living it every day. She sees way more of E than you do. If you want to distance yourself from E go ahead or maybe have another chat with him as a concerned friend. But don't expect R to fight your corner for you - sounds like she has her own battles ahead.

If you feel unsafe then keep your distance. If you are invested in the friendship then try to see E in a non-drinking capacity.

I am focused on R as she is my friend and I worry about her and how she is affected by the situation.

Sorry -from your OP it sounded like you were irritated by her not remaining annoyed with him on your behalf.

It's a tricky one watching a friend involved in that kind of relationship. She has to come to her own realisations in her own time - which may not ever happen- as she's probably hoping against hope that things will improve. I know it must be hard for you as a friend to see this happen continuously. All you can do is offer an ear and be patient and kind with her.

lyza

Can you just be friends with them but not go drinking with them, if they suggest going to the pub just tell them straight out you are not going drinking with them because he drinks too much and you dont like his behaviour when he is drunk. If they get the hump with you over that you have lost nothing because you were going to cut them out of your life anyway.


If he wants to cut you out over that well h

lyza

lyza wrote:

If he wants to cut you out over that well h

Sorry my cat walked across my tablet. As I was saying.,he isn't as much of a friend as you thought he was. I fully believe in straight talking in situations like this and who knows it might hit home with him that he does go overboard with his carry on .

Airyfairy12

I dont think their personal lives or their relationship is any of your business. I wouldnt cut out a friend because I dont like their partners behaviour while theyre drunk... just dont drink with them, why do they need to change to fit your views and standards?

JustAThought

He's ten years older than you, he now is 'married' with a child & a totally different outlook on life to the ine you at 26 have where your life is still full of hope and happiness & possibilities. Why are you spending your nights with an older 'married' angry arguementative heavy drinker whose company you seek because of past memories rather than what it is giving you now.
Be their friend but don't sit drinking with them all night - drop in for one or two & then buzz away to other company or event - you don't want to be the third wheel in a drunken argument over how bad the night & his outlook is. Shouldn't you have better hopes for yourself than a miserable night out waiting for the sword to drop? Why are you not being young & happy with your peers? Maybe that's what needs your focus for a while while maintaining an irregular friendly social drink - singular.

Dravokivich

You can't do anything for "E." Neither can "R," nor anyone else for that matter.

If friendship with "R" is your priority, focus on keeping that going. Make sure they know you are available as support for them when needed. It can be very easy for a partner to be sucked into the realm of someone with alcoholic issues without even noticing it.

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

I dont think their personal lives or their relationship is any of your business. I wouldnt cut out a friend because I dont like their partners behaviour while theyre drunk... just dont drink with them, why do they need to change to fit your views and standards?

This isn't a matter of views, standards or opposing life styles. That guy has an issue and the relationship along with his partner (who is the OPs friend) are certainly suffering from it. As will their child.

Kal El

How is any of his life choices your business Every partner has blind sides to there partners. Its not up to you to show her the way.
As for cutting them out of your life, do it if you feel its right, I have cut a few friends out since I came back to my home town, I cant deal with there negativity. I really dont understand your view that you can tell him he has a problem