Is my attitude towards relationships normal?

LegacyUser

Just writing here in the hopes that others may have felt the same and have come out the other side. I'm not entirely sure how this is going to read as in my head its a very complicated thought process but i'll give it a go. I'm not even sure if how I feel is normal or how it will come across.
I'm 29, female and single and have become worried about my attitude and feelings towards relationships recently. Just to give a bit of background to me and my relationship history. I've never been someone who fell into relationships easily and I haven't had much success with them. My longest one was 8 months which I ended over a year and a half ago as there just wasn't enough between us and that coupled with other issues which we couldn't solve meant I felt I had no option but to end things. I would have been "seeing" various different guys over a period of one or two months over the years but these brief relationships always fizzled out, two in particular I really began to develop feelings for but they got cold with me and things ended very soon after.
Without sounding cocky I feel I have a lot going for myself, I am friendly and have become much more confident in recent years about myself and how others view me. Basically after a difficult childhood, I never really had a good opinion of myself until a number of years ago I went for counselling and I have to be honest and say it was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I have hobbies, a good job and I would be quite frequently told by friends that I'm very genuine and funny and any guy would be lucky to have me.
Since my last relationship ended, I wanted time to myself to be completely single as I felt I needed a break from expectation and I guess constantly being disappointed with relationships. I took time out to focus on my hobbies, I went out for drinks to have drinks and not with the hope of a guy chatting me up and was largely very happy and content in myself.
The next bit is where I believe my problem lies. I have always wanted a relationship, marriage and kids since as long as I can remember. Years ago I would have been delighted to have any attention but I feel as my confidence has grown in recent years I have become much more sure of what I will and won't accept in a relationship. The problem is recently, although while I know deep down I would love to meet someone, I have almost stopped caring and have little interest in any guy that has made attempts to get to know me, whether it be on a night out or through friends. I signed up to tinder for a while a few months ago and had been chatting to a number of guys. Some seemed quite nice and chatty and for whatever reason I felt I had nothing to talk to them about anymore and I unmatched them and left tinder. I have been on nights out over the past few months where guys have come up to chat to me. I have always been polite towards them as it cannot be easy for a lad to chat to go up and chat to a girl but again, I either have no interest in giving them my number or I do and after a few texts back and forth I stop replying or refuse to met up.

For the life of me I don't know why I am behaving like this recently. I don't think it is me being picky. Like everyone else I have things that I look for in a partner but the main thing for me is being able to get on, have a laugh together and have a level of attraction. Obviously shared goals and outlooks come into it too. I don't feel that there was anything wrong with the various guys I have come into contact with recently but I literally couldn't make myself feel a shred of excitement about meeting up or going on dates.
Maybe some of it is due to the fact that I've been hearing about quite a lot of relationships breaking up recently, two of my best friends and my cousins relationships have recently ended after a good number of years. I think in my conscious somewhere is the idea that there isn't much hope of me ever having a happy, and solid relationship so maybe I shouldn't bother going on dates or trying to meet someone. Maybe I have my idea of a relationship built up in my head as I know I won't settle for someone I am less than 100% about and I would expect they feel the same. I only want to be in a relationship if it's for the right reasons and maybe I have this idea of a "spark" being something that happens from the first off and its built up in my head. Part of me doesn't feel that will ever happen for me so maybe it's me just avoiding the inevitable anyway.
I don't know how to change my feelings or views but I do know that I would love to meet a partner and have a happy life together. I would actually consider myself quite romantic and I often see older couples still having fun together and I do get a little flutter and hope that I might be in a similar situation when I am their age. It's just when I can't gain any interest in anyone I don't know how this can happen or how I can change my train of thought.
I hope that all makes sense as it's something I'm struggling to make sense with myself at the moment so it's hard to put it on paper.

racso1975

Hi there. You seem to lots going on in your head. Firstly in relation to break ups they happen all the time and for some really odd reason like you said they seem to come bunch's. The equivalent of that view though is people die everyday so why bother living to a certain extent.

I would be slightly like you in the sense that meeting random people nearly seems to hard and too much work for what is potentially a waste of time. I much prefer getting to know someone first before getting romantically involved that way ya know common interests sense of humor, opinions etc first. I have never been on a dating site or app or even a blind date. Maybe think of joining a club, doing a hobby or a course and who knows whom you might meet.

Maybe you could tell us a bit more about those 2 relationships that you developed feelings but they went cold. Any idea why that might have happened?

LegacyUser

Hi rasco1975.

The first "relationship" where I genuinely had feelings for the guy was over the course of a year on and off. We met through family members of mine who were friends with him. We were seeing each other for 3 or 4 dates, and he would end it, saying he didn't know what was wrong with him as I was lovely etc etc. This happened three times over the course of the year and by the end of it I was just shattered. I gave him another chance twice as I genuinely for some unknown reason believed he had feelings for me. I had never experienced feelings like I had with him- the little flutter when he would text, and just feeling genuinely excited about someone. This was before I went to counselling and got myself feeling more positive about myself. I firmly believe if I had met him now there wouldn't have been a second or third chance given. This happened over three years ago. The icing on the cake was about a month after we had ended the last time when I found out from one of my family members that he had a girlfriend since three months previous. I was fairly humiliated and annoyed and just put on a brave face and let on it didn't hurt me when in all reality finding this out left me feeling really embarrassed almost like I had done something wrong.

The second "relationship" never really got off the ground but I definitely had began to feel something for him over our 6/7 dates. In the beginning things were great, we were in regular contact, we would arrange a date and stick to our plans and we had lots of fun together and had both told each other we liked each other. The week before things went cold he had asked if we could see each other twice a week instead of once as he felt things were going somewhere. Naturally I was delighted and said I would love to see him more often- we would have been over an hours distance away during the week. After this the texts and contact seemed to drop from every day or every second day to twice a week and he was like a completely different person- quite abrupt and there was a definite change in the tone of his messages. We were supposed to meet one weekend, he said he couldn't meet, sorry and made no alternative arrangements. I said it sounded like he wasn't sure about us continuing to see each other and if this was the case, it was fine just let me know. He said if that was what I thought then fine but he was just busy. It was left up in the air until he texted drunk one night out of the blue nearly a week later and I told him I didn't see the point in us texting, he had made his intentions clear and I didn't want to be involved in his game playing. That's basically the general gist of the two relationships I had where I felt something and a sense of positivity about someone I was seeing.

BlueCool

Hi there. Reading your posts it would seem like there is a lot going on in your head. Having read about your previous two relationships to be honest what you are feeling sounds pretty normal. You were let down big time and as you said yourself you were "humiliated" when you found out your ex had a girlfriend. If we are let down on several occasions I think we develop an apathy to try again- why should I try if past experience has shown nothing good will happen. By acting this way with guys chatting you up (subconsciously even) you are protecting yourself from further disappointment. If guys are chatting you up and you are keeping your distance of course nothing can develop. I think it may be fear of rejection that is holding you back.
But although you have had horrible experiences in the past - all guys will not treat you like that. You want to have a loving relationship and grow old with someone as witnessed by you looking at the old couples and getting a flutter. My advice is to keep an open mind - and put yourself out there a little bit more. Not all guys are frogs!

beks101

Sounds quite normal to me really. You've gotten a bit tired and jaded with the dating scene and your brain has decided to take a bit of a break. I see no harm in that, in fact I'd say it's a good thing to switch off and focus on your own life and hobbies and happiness etc so you can come back with enthusiasm and a healthier mindset.

The thing is we live in a very relationship-focused society where people's noses get out of joint if you don't live up to the formulaic standards of meeting someone and settling down at some arbitrary age, Ireland especially is fixated on that. Married and mortgage by 30, kids soon after. It's a very narrow-minded way of thinking but it's a societal standard that still holds a lot of water and one that you're just going to have to disregard for the sake of your own happiness.

Do things your way. Do what feels right. Don't succumb to external pressures and get sucked into the merry-go-round of dating again until you're ready. There's nothing more stressful and emotionally taxing than "frantic dating" - you know the type, when you're freaking out about your singledom and looking for a man, any man because you're listening to what everyone else thinks is right for you and not your own instincts. Maybe a reboot is exactly what you need right now to become enthusiastic about dating again. And I'm sure you will at some point.

LegacyUser

I relate to a lot of what you have posted here. The difference is, I'm 35 and I've learned to stop caring as much. My problem was, I was giving it too much thought. I was under pressure from my family to meet someone and as much as we all like to say we don't care what people think of us and we are all very secure we also cannot help but be exposed to societies pressures to be a part of a couple and there is some weird vibe that makes us feel like if you are single for a long time there is something wrong with you. So, if you somehow manage to achieve happiness independently you're automatically in some kind of inner-conflict.

I'm not sure if this is making sense.....

I know for me, I had to step back and ask myself - Do I really WANT a partner? Or am I just trying to find one because it feels like the right thing to do? AND - Is the pressure I am feeling to tick this final box of achievement possibly affecting how I am behaving around men?

I was conditioned to want to make my parents happy and proud and I have a mother who cannot go 2 days without referencing the fact that I am single. It's coming from a loving place but "You'll meet someone, I'm sure of it" or "How was last night, did you meet anyone". it's like she believes the single most important task I have in my life is to meet someone and I could never berate her for that, she adores me, but I had to learn to let it go over my head.

So, maybe you're responding to external pressures or societal pressures?

I still don't really know what I want. I'm exhausted with dating it doesn't make me happy so I don't engage in it anymore. I've enjoyed great success professionally, athletically and financially in the past few years without the aid of a man. I have amazing lifelong friendships and a wonderful relationship with my family... I don't need to be partnered to be happy.

Which is great, because the nonsense I've put up with in the past, in the hope of securing a relationship for whatever reason is actually embarrassing.

I've been fully single just over a year now and I am probably the most secure I've ever been. I do meet guys and get chatted up but I kind of feel like I'll feel it when it's right and if the right one never comes a long then that's OK too.

This is a side note, something a counselor told me a few years ago which is a more pragmatic approach to dating if you are prone to a bit of overthinking and over-analysing (like me)

Work out, on a scale of 1 - 10 how happy you are on average, day to day, by yourself.

I'd say, I'm an 8

The only reason we should welcome someone in to our lives is if they can help maintain that number or will increase it, of course, life will impact it from time- to-time too.

If that person is the direct reason your number goes down significantly lower than where it naturally sits on a regular basis - then move on.

I know it might seem irrelevant but it's something that's helped me over the years to make the right call when my heads creating crazy alternate mystical scenarios.

Best of luck and sorry for my rambles

LegacyUser

Thanks to those who replied to my post. As I was reading back on it I was hoping it would all make sense.
I guess I'm just struggling to make sense of everything going around in my head. I really would like a relationship but at the same time I've had no interest in any guy I've met recently. It's beginning to be a running joke among my friends that I'm very picky. Maybe it's that I am waiting to meet someone who interests me and I feel I haven't met him yet or maybe I'm dismissing perfectly nice guys because I am quite anxious and maybe even pessimistic about meeting someone.
I've only been actually intrigued or excited about three guys I've met in my life, one was my ex and the other two were the very brief relationships above. I guess I need to relax and let it all happen naturally but when I started having no interest in lads maybe since early this year I was quite relaxed and thought that I'd get over that phase of having no interest but it's nearly a year now since I've started feeling this way and little or no change.
Maybe it's a mind over matter thing who knows. I'm a big believer in having that instant interest or that comfortable feeling when you instantly meet someone and I just haven't had it at all recently and I have ignored texts or tinder messages from lots of guys who did nothing wrong, I just wasn't feeling it.

silverharp

ringlejingle wrote: »

Thanks to those who replied to my post. As I was reading back on it I was hoping it would all make sense.
I guess I'm just struggling to make sense of everything going around in my head. I really would like a relationship but at the same time I've had no interest in any guy I've met recently. It's beginning to be a running joke among my friends that I'm very picky. Maybe it's that I am waiting to meet someone who interests me and I feel I haven't met him yet or maybe I'm dismissing perfectly nice guys because I am quite anxious and maybe even pessimistic about meeting someone.
I've only been actually intrigued or excited about three guys I've met in my life, one was my ex and the other two were the very brief relationships above. I guess I need to relax and let it all happen naturally but when I started having no interest in lads maybe since early this year I was quite relaxed and thought that I'd get over that phase of having no interest but it's nearly a year now since I've started feeling this way and little or no change.
Maybe it's a mind over matter thing who knows. I'm a big believer in having that instant interest or that comfortable feeling when you instantly meet someone and I just haven't had it at all recently and I have ignored texts or tinder messages from lots of guys who did nothing wrong, I just wasn't feeling it.

I'd suggest maybe not doing online dating? You cant get an instant feeling about someone unless you are face to face with someone , there is all kinds of sub conscious stuff going on that will only come into play in the real world so chances are you are selecting guys based purely on some checklist you have and its just not the same as meeting someone more naturally

LegacyUser

The only online dating I have done if you can call it that is Tinder. I don't think I have the interest or the optimism at the moment to even try it so I've never been signed up to the likes of plenty of fish etc.

LegacyUser

Hi silver harp, I may not have been clear in my post but the only online dating I've done is tinder. I've never signed up to Plenty of Fish or any of the established dating sites.