Fancy friend.....

blinkwink

I (22 years old) met this girl at work 10 months ago and we are good friends but I wouldn't see her as much as I used to, seeing as we aren't in that job anymore.

Anyway, I like her and want to ask her on a date. I am hesitant though as I fear I will lose her friendship and she will judge me and I will lose my other work friends too as a result. This might sound shallow, but I don't have many female friends so don't want to mess it up.

However, I cant stop thinking about her. I may have placed her on a bit of a pedestal but I am unsure if i will regret it.

Any advice?

mrsdewinter

Go for it! Don't get all heavy handed and ask her for a date. What are her interests? Suggest doing something that coincides with those. So if she's into a particular genre of film & you see something she'd like, say it to her. Or coffee. There's always coffee. But once you're on this 'date that may not be a date', if she's not making an effort to engage with you or putting much effort into the bantz (is that right?) don't even think of going in for the kill. Worst case scenario: you'll find out she's not into you.

blinkwink

mrsdewinter wrote: »

Go for it! Don't get all heavy handed and ask her for a date. What are her interests? Suggest doing something that coincides with those. So if she's into a particular genre of film & you see something she'd like, say it to her. Or coffee. There's always coffee. But once you're on this 'date that may not be a date', if she's not making an effort to engage with you or putting much effort into the bantz (is that right?) don't even think of going in for the kill. Worst case scenario: you'll find out she's not into you.

Thanks for the response. Im confused by what you mean by "date that may not be a date" though. Like I would probably explicitly ask her for a date, just so there is no ambiguity. Im a bit afraid as well of what my other work friends will think as well. I should probably say i tend to over think alot.

njs030

blinkwink wrote: »

Thanks for the response. Im confused by what you mean by "date that may not be a date" though. Like I would probably explicitly ask her for a date, just so there is no ambiguity. Im a bit afraid as well of what my other work friends will think as well. I should probably say i tend to over think alot.

That was why the other poster said don't ask her on a date. Suggest something that could be just friendly and see how that goes, worst case scenario she's not interested and no one needs to know. Best case is you find out she likes you and you progress to asking her on a "real" date.

Lux23

Have you had any inkling from her or anybody else that she likes you?

blinkwink

notjustsweet wrote: »

That was why the other poster said don't ask her on a date. Suggest something that could be just friendly and see how that goes, worst case scenario she's not interested and no one needs to know. Best case is you find out she likes you and you progress to asking her on a "real" date.

My fear is that i ask her to go lunch lets say and there is an awkwardness present about whether its a date or not and that will create problems. Like ive recieved signs of attraction but in saying that shes a flirty girl in general.

blinkwink

Lux23 wrote: »

Have you had any inkling from her or anybody else that she likes you?

Light touching, asked me if i have a girlfriend, laughs alot around me. Still, im unsure.

gossamer

Not to put a downer on the thread but I would tread carefully in this case. You said in your OP that you fear she'll "judge" you if you ask her out, is that you just projecting your own fears onto her? Or is it in her character to be very judgemental? When these threads come up a lot of people say "go for it, what do you have to lose?", but when it comes to liking a friend and having mutual friends in common, it can be a bit of a minefield. People can be utterly convinced a friend likes them and then when it comes to asking them out they're rejected, in shock and hurt because it doesn't play out like they thought it would. Similar to the girl you like, the people they're interested in are just "flirty in general" too. And sometimes mixed signals are no signals.

But with that in mind all you can do is play it cool with her. If you ask her out and she says no or gets awkward, just brush it off and make out that it's okay. And leave it at that. On the upside she may like you and hopefully she responds accordingly.

njs030

blinkwink wrote: »

Light touching, asked me if i have a girlfriend, laughs alot around me. Still, im unsure.

I wouldnt read any of that as anything more than friendship. Unless there's very clear signs she is interested I wouldn't go asking her on a date until you know for sure.

blinkwink

gossamer wrote: »

Not to put a downer on the thread but I would tread carefully in this case. You said in your OP that you fear she'll "judge" you if you ask her out, is that you just projecting your own fears onto her? Or is it in her character to be very judgemental? When these threads come up a lot of people say "go for it, what do you have to lose?", but when it comes to liking a friend and having mutual friends in common, it can be a bit of a minefield. People can be utterly convinced a friend likes them and then when it comes to asking them out they're rejected, in shock and hurt because it doesn't play out like they thought it would. Similar to the girl you like, the people they're interested in are just "flirty in general" too. And sometimes mixed signals are no signals.

But with that in mind all you can do is play it cool with her. If you ask her out and she says no or gets awkward, just brush it off and make out that it's okay. And leave it at that. On the upside she may like you and hopefully she responds accordingly.

A bit of both I guess, i don't think its necessarily a part of her personality but guess I'm just anticipating her being shocked or something. I get what your saying in your post, my behavior may be a result of the "do it or you may regret it" mentality.

blinkwink

notjustsweet wrote: »

I wouldnt read any of that as anything more than friendship. Unless there's very clear signs she is interested I wouldn't go asking her on a date until you know for sure.

What signs would you say determines she would be definitely interested?

njs030

blinkwink wrote: »

What signs would you say determines she would be definitely interested?

Op women aren't a hive mentality there is no such thing as "all women do...." when they like someone. The same way that not all men act the same way when they are interested in someone.

We can all be guilty of over analysing every word or gesture when we like someone but you'll drive yourself mad doing that.
Perhaps she's a friendly person, I am-I'm very chatty and smile alot, I tend to lean towards whoever I'm talking to, I play with my hair because it irritates my face.....it doesn't mean I'm interested in anything more than a conversation. Everyone has different styles of communication.

Ask her for coffee by all means but leave it open ended while you work out her interest.

Jayop

People really over think things, both the OP and the answers by and large. Just ask her out, a drink and some food. Don't specifically say a date, but a drink and food or cinema whatever with just the two of you a date is implied. If it goes well ask her again.

Dr Crayfish

Thing is, if you want to bang her can she ever really be a friend? May as well get it out of the way now instead of having some lingering friendship that is ultimately unsatisfying for you. So ask her out, have a few drinks and make a move on her. Then ask yourself if you can really be friends with her knowing for sure she doesn't fancy you. Personally I'd cut my losses at that stage and say adios. Good luck

witchgirl26

Honestly OP just go for it. She may not be showing any signs because she may not have thought about it. But that doesn't mean she wouldn't be receptive. I asked my OH out (who'd known as a friend for a bit) and he'd never got any of the hints that I'd been dropping I liked him. 4 years later still going strong even though before that he hadn't really thought about us like that. It's a risk you have to take if you want to know for sure.

blinkwink

witchgirl26 wrote: »

Honestly OP just go for it. She may not be showing any signs because she may not have thought about it. But that doesn't mean she wouldn't be receptive. I asked my OH out (who'd known as a friend for a bit) and he'd never got any of the hints that I'd been dropping I liked him. 4 years later still going strong even though before that he hadn't really thought about us like that. It's a risk you have to take if you want to know for sure.

I have been thinking more and more about it and remember times she has lost patience with me or been annoyed with me and I have a feeling she prefers another guy. As you say it's a risk I may have to take if it's what I may want...

blinkwink

Jayop wrote: »

People really over think things, both the OP and the answers by and large. Just ask her out, a drink and some food. Don't specifically say a date, but a drink and food or cinema whatever with just the two of you a date is implied. If it goes well ask her again.

Not being smart, but if he date is implied by not saying it, couldn't I just say date to eliminate any ambiguity? Or by not saying date and I do get some food with her and it doesn't go well, we can still be friends as the word date was not mentioned?

blinkwink

gossamer wrote: »

Not to put a downer on the thread but I would tread carefully in this case. You said in your OP that you fear she'll "judge" you if you ask her out, is that you just projecting your own fears onto her? Or is it in her character to be very judgemental? When these threads come up a lot of people say "go for it, what do you have to lose?", but when it comes to liking a friend and having mutual friends in common, it can be a bit of a minefield. People can be utterly convinced a friend likes them and then when it comes to asking them out they're rejected, in shock and hurt because it doesn't play out like they thought it would. Similar to the girl you like, the people they're interested in are just "flirty in general" too. And sometimes mixed signals are no signals.

But with that in mind all you can do is play it cool with her. If you ask her out and she says no or gets awkward, just brush it off and make out that it's okay. And leave it at that. On the upside she may like you and hopefully she responds accordingly.

This post in particular really puts it in perspective for me. I may have been putting her on a pedestal and I do want her friendship. As you mention I might have received mixed signals and it may not go as planned. I don't know.

blinkwink

notjustsweet wrote: »

I wouldnt read any of that as anything more than friendship. Unless there's very clear signs she is interested I wouldn't go asking her on a date until you know for sure.

Agreed and while there is no definite list of signs of attraction for every girl, how do I pick up on signals from girls who are flirty in general?

blinkwink

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

Thing is, if you want to bang her can she ever really be a friend? May as well get it out of the way now instead of having some lingering friendship that is ultimately unsatisfying for you. So ask her out, have a few drinks and make a move on her. Then ask yourself if you can really be friends with her knowing for sure she doesn't fancy you. Personally I'd cut my losses at that stage and say adios. Good luck

What I am about to say next is pretty shallow, but I like having her as a friend because she makes me feel good about myself. I have low self esteem and when a guy like me has a pretty girl as a friend I guess you get ideas in your head. It's probably lust more than anything, or maybe it's just a lack of female friendships in my life I don't know. Part of me is curious enough to pursue this, but the other is just happy that he can say he has this girl as his friend.

gossamer

blinkwink wrote: »

This post in particular really puts it in perspective for me. I may have been putting her on a pedestal and I do want her friendship. As you mention I might have received mixed signals and it may not go as planned. I don't know.

My initial post probably comes across as unnecessarily cautious tbh. It was only a personal viewpoint on the issue. Certainly the world isn't going to come crumbling down around you if you ask her out and she passes on it.

lyza

blinkwink wrote:

I have been thinking more and more about it and remember times she has lost patience with me or been annoyed with me and I have a feeling she prefers another guy. As you say it's a risk I may have to take if it's what I may want...

I may be wrong op but as far as I remember when I liked someone enough that I wanted to go out with them I never lost patience or was annoyed with them they could do no wrong. So if you are looking for signs thats not a great one . Then if you think she likes another guy that's also not a good sign.

Tbh a guy with low self esteem and a girl that sounds as if she has plenty of self esteem don't always make the best match anyway . Sorry for being so negative. But you sound like a guy that if she knocked you back you wouldn't just shrug it off easily.

witchgirl26

blinkwink wrote: »

I have been thinking more and more about it and remember times she has lost patience with me or been annoyed with me and I have a feeling she prefers another guy. As you say it's a risk I may have to take if it's what I may want...

My OH would have have quite openly been attracted to another girl in our group (& in fairness she's gorgeous so could understand why). Before I said anything to him, he probably would have picked her as she was on his radar as such. However when I did say something, and he started looking at me in that light, I was the pick.

lyza wrote: »

I may be wrong op but as far as I remember when I liked someone enough that I wanted to go out with them I never lost patience or was annoyed with them they could do no wrong. So if you are looking for signs thats not a great one .

I don't know about this. My OH annoyed the hell out of me for ages before we got together at times. I would given out to him, been annoyed and lost patience over certain things. I still fancied the arse off him but recognised that he wasn't perfect and could drive me up the wall!