Am I a fool?

LegacyUser

Hi, I would really like some opinion on my relationship and the lack of "commitment". And I'm sorry if I ramble.
I am with my partner for 10 years. We are both early 30s and are very much in love, and I think are a great couple, he's my best friend. I suppose my issue is that we are not married (or engaged) and this is the opposite of most of our friends at the stage. All of our friends who be are together as long as us are getting married this year or have been married for a few years already, some are on the third child at this stage. I'm starting to get a little embarrassed at this stage we people skills me "so when are you getting married?" The thing is I don't know why we aren't married. We've talked about getting married but just in general, no timeline or anything. I'm not generally the type of woman whos dying for her boyfriend to pop the question. I'm not high maintenance and I'm quite independent. Our finances are quite good so it's not s money issue. And my ideal wedding would be as small as possible.
My partner is very nice guy, but he's very unromantic, I couldn't tell the last time we went out for a romantic meal or anything. I used to get upset at this kinda thing. I'm not overly romantic myself, wouldn't be into flowers r valentine's day or that. But at the same time I would have liked some gestures the odd time. I think over the years I gave up on this. And I suppose maybe in my mind "popping the question" is the one romantic idea I really like and wouldn't want to give up. Which is why I wouldn't just ask him straight out what the hell's he's waiting for. We're totally committed to each other, we talk about our future, what house we'll but, whether we'll have kids or not...
Anyway I suppose I'm looking for people opinion on this. Would you think like me and maybe expect to be married or engaged by now wen you've been with someone this long? I know marriage isn't everyones cup if tea but it is ours (e told me when he was drunk that he can't wait to marry me) god even saying that makes my feel embarrassed and a bit pathetic.
I'm too embarrassed to talk to my friends about this. I think they might get a whiff if desperation from me.
Another thing that really upsets me is that I lost my sister a year ago, and I'm angry thinking that I never got to see her as my bridesmaid. Id never say that to him, but when I think about this I get very upset.

leggo

The answer to all your problems comes from telling him, right there, what you just said to us. Include the bit about your sister if you like, you're not giving him a guilt trip as it's not his fault either (who can predict tragic stuff like that? We shouldn't have to plan in case something so devastating happens), but let him know how you feel in a calm, composed manner. Don't accuse him or anything or snap, you've been just as guilty as him here, maybe he's on the same page and is wondering the same things or there's valid reasons (e.g. he's saving as we speak to buy you a ring or something along those lines). But you guys sound both like you don't say this stuff enough to each other because, if you did, there'd be no need to post here with this. He's your partner of 10 years, he's your best friend, there shouldn't be anything in the world you hesitate to say to him.

Also don't stress too much about what your friends are doing or questions you get asked. It's your life, live for what makes you happy and own it, you're not living to meet other people's expectations.

Airyfairy12

Why dont you propose ? I dont think you sound desperate at all and you've every right to be upset about not having the chance to have your sister involved in your wedding. Does he know how much this means to you? He might just feel very comfortable with how things are and not feel like bothering with a wedding, it doesnt sound like youre going to get a traditional proposal, I dont think he'll romantically pop the question on one knee so it might be just a discussion you'll both need to have were you tell him all that youve said in your post, including what you mentioned about your sister... You have nothing to be embarrassed about and he should be understanding.

silverharp

have you talked about kids? to my mind that would be the catalyst to move things on otherwise I can see why he sees no reason to change the status quo.

Big Bag of Chips

If you are a great couple and if he is your best friend then this is something that you should be able to talk about. And not wishy washy general "someday" talk. Proper decision making talk. He's not romantic. You know that. You know the person he is so expecting the surprise proposal is only setting yourself up for disappointment. It may happen, but its more likely not to!

We didn't do a proposal. We just decided to get married, and bought a ring. Sorry, OP, but you're just going to have to come straight out with it and start making the plans!

amtc

My ex looked at me in the car in Liffey Valley and said we'd get the ring. He picked it up later, and we had a trip booked to Paris. He pretended ring wasn't ready (little did he know I'dchecked) but then up the Eiffel Tower took it out. I'm looking out to the view when he says 'how's about it'. I'm all dewy eyed and find him trying to calculate how many tons of structural steel were in it.

It wasn't this that split us up. But I didn't need nor want a big gesture. It doesn't have to be all hearts and flowers. My parents got married within three months in 1970. My grandparents married on their second meeting.

But you do need to prod! Every man I know needs this...he's too comfortable.

ManOfMystery

Some may disagree with me, but I think that on average, a relationship takes 2-4 years for people to get together, get to know each other, progress on to living together and eventually getting engaged. Some take a bit longer, some do it quicker.

But I think once you're together for 7, 8, 10+ years and there's been no real change in the circumstances, it's very easy to fall into this comfort zone trap where you're both just coasting along. And the thought process of either or both parties may be "It's all going fine as it is, why change things?". It sounds like your partner is very dedicated to you but is comfortable with things the way they are and perhaps it's time you both had a proper conversation about your future - not "oh yeah, some day we'll get married, some day we'll have kids" - but actually clarifying timelines and starting to make plans to do so.

Also, I hate to be the one to bring this up, but if you're in your early 30s and you're thinking of having children some time, you both need to start talking about this now. Not all couples are lucky enough to get pregnant quickly, some encounter fertility issues or other problems and can take years. Not saying you need to rush things, but just keep in mind that if you want to do this and it keeps getting pushed off to 'some day' in the future, it will become more difficult as you get older - hence why it is probably a good time to discuss this now. You've been together a long time and appear to be on the same page for the most part, there's no reason communication should be an issue here.

SarahMollie

Hi OP, you have my sympathies! I've a few friends in your situation and I completely get why it can be tricky. For some reason, theres a narrative out there that asking your long term partner for commitment is somehow desperate or needy or just not something a woman can do. But honestly, thats just such nonsense. Why in this day and age can you not talk to your partner and decide together on something so important.

In my case (and in most of my friends cases) these conversations happened. We all subsequently got proposed to and it was no less special for not being a complete surprise. In my case, we stumbled on to the subject but when asked I didnt go all coy, I said rather forthrightly that I'd ideally like to be married within 18months (this was about 6 months ago) and we're now getting married next year, he nodded, said he was thinking along the same lines and to leave it with him. He proposed a few months later. Previous to that, he often made little jokes, like suggesting various silly songs as our "first dance" or saying that I should just let him know when to pull the finger out and he'd propose. We also attended a lot of weddings this year and it naturally prompted conversations about what we would/wouldnt want for ourselves, so in that way it was as if the conversation naturally evolved.

pookie82

SarahMollie wrote: »

In my case (and in most of my friends cases) these conversations happened. We all subsequently got proposed to and it was no less special for not being a complete surprise.

I second this. I'm not married but out of my friends group, I can count one out of ten who got taken completely by surprise by a ring she had no idea was coming.

ALL of the others had the conversation first, sometimes more than once, and sometimes over the course of as long as a year, before the commitment/decision to commit was made. Then the proposals followed a short time later at the man's choosing.

It would be lovely for the man in this scenario to read your mind and pop the question out of nowhere, but most often, it's a mutual discussion that's well thought out and planned.

The proposal itself and how he goes about it can still be "thought up" by him. While I get that he's not Mr. Romantic and has other things going for him, you could always say that in the absence of other day-to-day romantic gestures, this is one occasion where you'd like him to surprise you, just a little.

SarahMollie

And just to add, my OH is unbelievably unromantic. He needs a good half bottle of wine on him to say something "deep and meaningful" to me - he still managed to ask me to marry him though, so it need not be terminal!

To amuse myself sometimes, I insist on holding his hand when we're out and about. I don't even particularly like doing it myself, but how uncomfortable it makes him is hilarious, and that I do enjoy

Anyway, point is that all couples are different, and not everyone is picture perfect. I know a girl who tells a proposal story thats just so perfect it would make your teeth fall out. However, I also know a good friend of hers who told me the real story, which is decidedly less perfect (ultimatum/tantrum a few weeks previous). People often gloss over the bad times and glorify the good, so don't let what goes on around you impact your thinking too much.

December2012

Nothing further to add re the proposals but you said he was unromantic. If this is stoppingbyou going to a place you would like to go to, such as a special restaurant, a beautiful hotel or a cool city, you could still book those things yourself. Why not go to Paris, or chapter one, or anywhere else you fancy. He should go with you

Xterminator

Hi OP

you asked the question are you a fool. No. But you have to work out what you want (marriage, romance children etc), and then make it happen. Not sit passively and wonder when its all going to land in your lap.

X

santana75

Wouldlikeyouropinion wrote: »

I'm too embarrassed to talk to my friends about this. I think they might get a whiff if desperation from me.

Op the obvious solution seems to be that you need to go talk to him directly, forget about your friends and what they're doing with their lives. If you get into the habit of comparing what you have to what they have you will only make yourself unhappy. Ask yourself this question though, if your friends weren't married, would you be feeling the same way and even asking the same questions youre asking right now? This has to come from you, not something you do just to fit in and not be the one who isnt married.
If you really want to be married and its what your heart desires then talk to him, not your friends. Be direct and open about what you want. Dont sit back and hope that he will come around and dont play manipulation games either where you try to "nudge" him in the direction you'd like to go. Its like anything you want in life, if you want it you have to go after it, you have to ask for it, not be passive and hope he asks you.