Fully moving on?

mstensmith

Hey all,

I'm new here but have been reading for a little while. I am hoping maybe posting this might help me with my situation.

I am a 32 year old male, I didn't date at all in high school or college but ended up having my first girlfriend at age 25. I'm not socially awkward or anything and I had girls that liked me but I was either just to shy or didn't like them as much to pursue, so I was a late bloomer I guess.

This girl was a friend from high school and college, she was always in a relationship before though and her and I never dated until reconnecting after a few years of not being in contact after college.

It turned out to be pretty damn awesome. She was very beautiful, to the point where people would even take me to the side and say that. She was very smart, hard working, responsible, loyal (I never worried about cheating) and her and I respected each other immensely. We dated for 4 years, until age 29. I guess I ran into the issue I wasn't quite sure how to tell if I was ready to get married or not. I guess I always thought it would be clear as people say you just know.

I loved her a ton, that wasn't the issue. There were some personality differences that I struggled a bit with and our sexual compatibility was maybe a little different than I would have liked at the time.

In the end, she was ready to get married, I wasn't quite ready yet then and it ended up falling apart. I made some super stupid mistakes in how I communicated (or lacking it) and I just didn't know how to fix it. When we broke up it was like, neither her nor I really wanted to but we couldn't keep going like we were, I guess it was "mutual".

The details aren't super important, it basically became a mess. I never really truly wanted to break up but in the end I told her maybe I needed to date other people because it really had gotten to a bad point. That was a huge mistake on my part. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do. After we broke up though I started becoming extremely depressed. I couldn't touch another girl, the thought of even holding hands made me feel bad. I cried multiple times a day for like 7 months straight. I kept telling myself that was normal for a break up though and unless we were different we would just run into the same problems and so not to get back together which I think she would have been willing to do for a while.

Eventually after about a year, I was feeling a little better but I didn't really realize it was mainly just because I had promised myself I would figure it out and fix it so her and I would be together again. Her and I were still "friends" but we didn't see each other much at this point and didn't hang out much. I found out she had a new boyfriend, it destroyed me but I didn't say anything because I felt like it was unfair, especially unless I could say I wanted to get married right then and I didn't know if I could.

I tried dating someone else for a few months to try and help myself move on so I wouldn't be completely destroyed if her and the new guy were serious. That obviously did not go well and was stupid. Dating the other girl showed me though that I had to tell my ex how I felt. Everything was still about her for me even after 1.5 years and I just felt like I would always regret it if I didn't tell her. She had been dating the new guy for about 4 or 5 months and it had been about 3 I believe since I had last seen her.

Turns out, she had just gotten engaged, I made an idiot of myself and I have now not been in contact for the last 8 months and will most likely never see or hear from her again. They dated 5 months, got engaged and then married 6 months later and have moved away as far as I know. It has been about 3 or 4 months since they got married.

We have some mutual friends so I every now and then hear a little about her but I don't ask and they don't say anything usually. Her and I aren't friends on facebook and I have no communication with her and yet...it still breaks my heart.

I am now filled with so much regret it sits with me every day. I have tried dating other girls but it is hard to meet good ones these days and most just make my feelings of regret grow worse.

I have tried online dating and not to sound shallow but no girl as good looking as her ever responds so it usually is they are already starting out "behind" so to speak and I hope that maybe our personalities will just click but it never works out that way. It ends up that either they aren't as ambitious, aren't as responsible, not as pretty, not as successful, not as kind or all of the above.

I know she wasn't perfect and that there are a lot of girls out there but I just can't seem to get myself to be excited about them. I work hard at my job, I try and keep good hobbies going, I recently had a dream trip across the world with some friends, I volunteer with animals but it all just feels empty.

I had always wanted a family but now since my options are either get married to someone else that I don't love as much or stay single and not have a family it's almost like staying single is the best option I have. I try and stay positive and keep hope that maybe I will meet someone that I love more but as I date it starts to really look like realistically...that's not going to happen. I guess sometimes you don't always get a second chance at something like that.

Has anyone been in the spot before? Where you hate yourself because you feel like you ruined it with someone super awesome and as time goes on you just realize more reasons why they were awesome as you try and date other people? Maybe I would feel differently if I was having more luck with girls that I'm impressed with but it has started to feel like I basically won the lottery but didn't really know it and dropped the ticket.

I know I need to find a way to forgive myself but I just don't know how. I feel like if I never meet someone that I feel the same way about then I'll just end up dying with this regret which well....that doesn't sound that great so I'm hoping maybe I can figure something out before then.

Did you ever blame yourself from a break up and have regret? How did you deal with that regret you had every day? Any help would be awesome!!

leggo

I try see life like millions of concurrent stories in a movie: we're all working through our own individual scripts. And while we'd all like it to be straightforward and drama-free and everything just works out perfectly, truth is that makes for a boring script and it just isn't the case in the real world.

Your script has taken you away from this girl despite that always feeling like where it would end. That's a lot to process. That's going to take a while before life feels normal again because you probably always saw this person being a big part of your life. That's natural. So know this and give yourself that time and don't feel bad if you go through some low moments. You need to get the sadness and weirdness out of your system.

Your attitude towards it is dead on. I was worried you wouldn't tell her how you feel, but you did. It didn't change things but that's what happens in the vast majority of these cases. You're right to leave it there, cut all contact, no social media etc and respect her decision. Every decision you've made so far is the right one.

What's going to happen now is she's going to grow and you're also going to grow, but you'll both grow away from each other. Life will pass as it does and, though it doesn't feel that way right now, in time it'll feel like a distant memory and you'll find it weird that she was once in your life. You won't feel bad that she's not now. You may even be happy for her if you hear her marriage works out well.

You don't have to date now or be proactive about finding someone new. You've loads of time there. Eventually you'll feel lonely and you'll want to find someone else, so you'll go out there into the dating world and do just that. And you'll feel normal and morally sound about doing it too because then you'll understand that this is something you need to do. You'll meet someone and you won't compare her to this girl because this girl will be a blip in your memory, you won't worry about if she's better or worse for you than this girl because you'll be a different person then and be looking for someone who suits this new version of you.

You'd have done a lot differently if you could go back and change things. But you can't. So all you can do there is remember this and know what you'd have done differently and don't repeat the same mistakes. Then you'll have learnt, grown and improved and will appreciate what you end up having even more than you probably would've with this girl.

In short, don't beat yourself up if you feel low. That's 100% normal. It's like a flu or bug you just have to get out of your system, so don't try fight the temporary bad feelings, let them come in and come out until they're just gone. You're doing everything right so keep doing it. And then just trust the process that, in time, this will be better.

mstensmith

Thanks so much for the reply! I guess maybe since my post turned out to be so long I might not get many so I'm glad at least one person did.

I really wish I would have told her earlier. I was kind of waiting for my chance but realized that might never happen and I already had so much regret that I just had to. I'm definitely glad that I tried though, even if it blew up in my face and I kind of made myself look bad. I feel bad that I can't talk with her anymore and maybe I still could have if I hadn't said anything. I know it would have eaten me up inside though and eventually I would have had to pull away. It's already hard enough when I'm not even in contact with her.

I know that with time, it will be weird that she was in my life. It breaks my heart thinking about it. Knowing I'll just be an ex to her, nothing more and I guess the same for her. That isn't what I wanted and its heart breaking. I do hope she is happy now. That is one of the few things that makes me feel any better at all is that if I think of it like I am doing something for her. By staying away and living my life without her its letting her live it with someone she is happier with and loves more. It sounds weird but for some reason it makes it feel like all the pain and regret is actually for something and even if it wasn't the best thing for me...it was the best thing for her and thus even if I could go back and change it....would I? Believe me, it hurts a ton to think that I wasn't the best thing for her and she didn't love me as much as someone else given how I feel about her but if she is happier then I'll take whatever hurt there is.

I really wish I had more hope for the future though. It definitely has affected my life and has made me have some weird feelings and thoughts. I'm not suicidal or anything but its more just like how I feel like an elderly person feels after their long time spouse dies. Its like an, "okay, I'm ready to go now" feeling. I feel like I have pretty much had something that many people don't really ever have and the chances of that happening again are quite slim. Although on the other hand, my logical side says...everyone else has to learn to be happy with someone other than her....you have to be able to also! Now I just need to be able to trust that and believe I won't have to marry someone while full of regret.

amtc

I moved last stuff out of my parents couple of years ago. Found cards from 8 guys telling me they would love me forever. I still wonder if I could sue them for breach of contract!

I still, on all their birthdays, send them love. I forgot my current OH's birthday yesterday!

Big Bag of Chips

You are still too hung up on her to fall for anyone else. You are not going to find a substitute for her, and you shouldn't try. How unfair would that be on any new woman? You need to move on from the perfect, beautiful, responsible ex. It didn't work out for you, and there's a reason it didn't. You weren't sure and it came to an end. You can't have expected her to wait around and for you. Especially if she is so desirable, you should have guessed she wouldn't be short of admirers.

I don't know how you do it but you need to get her out of your head. Yes, very many people have regrets about past relationships. Very few break ups are terrible and messy and I think most people will have at least one ex that they still remember fondly. Your problem is, she's your only ex, really. So that makes her the best ex!

You need to stop comparing other women to her and taking each woman on her own merit. That's not to say you should just settle for someone, just because you don't want to be alone. You're still quite young. Still plenty time to settle down and have a family of that's what you want. But having some sort of mental checklist and putting a cross through each box that doesn't compare with your girlfriend is only setting you up for disappointment.

You can't be with this woman. So stop trying to be! You will not end up in a relationship with her, so stop trying to find a woman who will fill her space perfectly. You'd probably feel a bit crapoy if every woman you dated was sitting there comparing you to her ex and deciding you didn't measure up so weren't worth even trying for. You have to allow yourself to be open to new people. Your ex is gone and it didn't work out. Trying to find someone exactly like her will probably lead to the same outcome.

Have you been to counselling? It might help you to work through your feelings. To get them out of your head and to stop obsessing about a woman you can't have and finding the perfect replacement for her. I'd feel a bit weird if I knew my partner was only with me because I was so similar to the ex who he still pines over.

LegacyUser

I get where you're coming from OP.
The ideal plan was that she'd hang around waiting patiently in the sidelines whilst you sowed your wild oats. Except neither of those scenarios happened- so it's a big shock. She was your fall back plan & now you're alone instead.
But you know what? Say ye never broke up; that ye did get married. You'd always have that itch to scratch, that question at the back of your head, the doubt- did I settle too soon, should I have enjoyed my 20s more playing around, what am I missing out on? You definitely would have resented her for "pushing" you into marriage, & may even have had an affair (presumably she would have wanted babies as well).
So as regards what you've missed- I would say, a bullet. You simply weren't emotionally ready at that time- nothing to do with her, more your age& your past experience/lack thereof.
You'll probably always kick yourself a little bit over her...it's a hard life lesson

statina

OP, I never normally comment but your post struck a chord with me. I completely understand where you are coming from as I had a very similar experience.

Give yourself time and try as much as you can not to dwell on the past. I found this very hard to put into practice for the first year after the breakup and nearly had myself driven mad giving out to myself for been such a bloody eejit but strategies such as mentally counting to 5, mentally saying S.T.O.P and reminding myself of the bad points of the relationship helped to reduce the ruminating. I also took up running which was the main thing that I credit for keeping me sane!!!

Just to add, meeting someone else will happen when you are are ready and when you are open to the idea of it. I really didn't think it would be possible to connect meaningfully with someone and love again but I am now in a very happy fulfilling relationship. This time though, I am able for all aspects of what a relationship involves (compromise, maturity etc!!!!) and will never make the same mistakes again.

Best of luck OP, you will be fine x