Why do I feel like this

Heroes2143

Hi just writing here because I can't talk to anyone else.

Long story short I was with my ex 10 years we've kids together.

We're broken up 5 years (he was violent) and we both new partners and he has a new family.

Whats getting to me is our kids have been pushed to the sideline even with their grandparents.

Also I find myself crying sometimes wondering why couldn't he have treated us good like he does new family.....I think of it over and over even find myself crying over songs that remind me of the good times the rare ones.

I feel so silly im so happy with my partner hes a gent and treats us all with the upmost respect, but I still have these thoughts about my ex in the back of my head even though I was treated badly.

I feel like I can't tell anyone because I always tell everyone how much I hate him.

leggo

You're an abuse victim, that's a lot to cope with psychologically. Think about it: there was something that attracted you to this person to begin with, then they changed, so a lot of victims associate themselves as the thing that changed the person and that can be very easy to do when you see them (supposedly) happy with someone else. As if you were the problem. And it's hard to remove that attractive image of the person that you had at the start of the relationship.

But that's simply not the case. Truth is, they're responsible for their own actions and they treated you horribly. There's no excuse for violence within a relationship, ever. This person was that way because that was inside of them all along, not because you brought it out in them or anything like that. And people can be very good at hiding these traits until they come out. It's not your fault for not seeing them at all. You were just a victim. And no doubt it took a lot of strength to uproot a family, start a new life and get to where you are now. So you're more than a victim, you're a strong person who should feel proud of herself and has earned the right to enjoy the happier times with this new partner.

You've also been through a lot with this person, for better or worse, so they're a significant person in your life even if a large part of that was negative. So some residual feelings are natural.

As for him and the new partner, truth is you don't know how happy they are. Maybe they are happy and he's learned from his mistakes in losing you. Maybe he's just as bad with her behind closed doors. You don't know and should try to stop caring. All you need to keep reminding yourself is that he was bad for you and you made the right call leaving him.

As far as the kids and him go, just do what you can. You can't force him to be more loving and attentive towards them, so as long as his violence doesn't extend towards them and they're safe in his care, then all you can really do is ensure that when they're with you and their partner they're getting the happy home they deserve.

You may need counselling to process all of the heavy emotions you're going through. You've been through the mill and, psychologically, a lot of the things you're feeling are completely normal for victims of abuse so don't feel like you're strange or anything. Get help if you can't deal with the emotions, there's no shame in it, and try to enjoy the beginning of a new, happier chapter in your life that you've earned.

Rubberchikken

don't beat yourself up over how you feel. all your feelings are perfectly normal. it is sad to see your children sidelined by their family, things like that always hurt.
i'm glad you've found happiness with a good man who treats you and your children well, you all deserve that.
remembering the good times, even if they were rare, is normal. there were obviously times you were happy with him and even loved him, but it's good that you got away from a man who had no real respect for you.

if you feel you can't talk about this with family or friends, then maybe a bit of counselling or even talking to your gp would help.
best of luck

Witchie

Op, I could almost exactly write what you have written, only I am not lucky enough to have found a new partner.

My ex was violent and psychologically abusive. We had 2 sons together. I kicked him out after marriage counselling and trying to work out why he was the way he was as I couldn't take anymore. I watched him move on to have 3 more children and marry his new partner while I raised his kids with next to no help from him. I raged and still find it hard to understand how he gets to have a new marriage and more kids while i struggled to bring up the 2 we had. I still get angry that his parents see my kids about twice a year if they are lucky and just about get birthday cards from them. It is as you say like they have been sidelined.

While this does hurt me and makes me angry I would not change it for the world. I get to be the one who takes all the joy and pride in our sons who are now wonderful young men aged 22 and 19. I am the only one who can be credited for how they have turned out and I am the one they turn to with all the good and bad life throws at them. I am their world and they are mine. And he lost out on that. I now sometimes feel sorry for him for not having the closeness I do with the boys and no new marriage or more kids could ever be better than the relationship I have with my sons.

My advice is to, like others have said, get some counselling and learn to cope with the grief and pain. It may seem strange that I call it grief and pain but that is what it is. When you realised your ex was a violent person who wanted to hurt you the dream of your loving relationship, all the hopes and dreams you had of raising your kids as a family died. It is a really hard death to deal with.

I know when I married him I loved him and thought we would conquer the world. He managed to conquer and quench my spirit for a while and there still is a residue of the damage he did, but I survived and am now the happiest I have ever been. You will get there too. I know you will. You got through the worst of the earthquake and now you just need to learn to deal with the tremors that will hit from time to time.

Best of luck op, sending you loads of hugs. xxxx