Bulimic; I want to stop....sort of.

LegacyUser

I'm 21. I'm in my final year of college. And I have bulimia, and have had since summer at some point. It's gotten quite bad recently, I dont abuse laxtives but I purge, I'm vomitting almost every day, and often multiple times a day. This was only ever meant to be temprorary but yet here I am doing this to myself every day, no lighter than what I was 3 months ago. I usually only eat a bowl of soup, have a few sugarless hot drinks and maybe a slice of bread or pick at some food through out the day, when I go past that, thats when I purge. My heart sometimes goes insane when I do it, and now 3 hours later after a purge Im here and my heart doesnt feel great, and with a strong history of heart related deaths in the family I know this is something to be worried about.

But IDK what to do, who to go to for help. I cant face going to the college GP or counselling again, I just cant. I went to these places for years for another mental health problem but yet somehow Ive ended up here, in the midst of an eating disorder. So who do I turn to, what do I do? I know this isnt right, I know Im doing it to myself, Im the person forcing the food into and back out my mouth. Its a decision, not an affliction, and theres so much awful unavoidable things going on in the world, and here I am, obsessed with something as petty and small as my fúcking weight. But the horrid thing is, for the first time in my life, I feel ok about my body. I'm not full of self loathing, I finally feel normal, like Im in the majority, like an actual ****ing person. I dont want to go back to my old weight, it was a "normal bmi" but I certainly didnt feel that way. Its such a stupid reason to avoid getting help but I'm happier being the size I am now as opposed to before where the self loathing was immense. This is my own fúcking fault, I'm being selfish and I'm well aware of this, I just dont know where to go, I know it needs to stop, and I so badly want to, but Im being tugged not to at the same time.

I dont want to be outed as a bulimic. My family can be cruel sometimes, as can my friends, I don't want anyone to know, I dont want to be found out. I know I need to stop, but how, I cant I just cant face counselling or my college gp again, my local GP isnt an option. I don't think counselling will give me a scrap of help tbh, Ive been to counselling before, for mental health issues, and it did f all, even with medication. I just, I just dont know. I want this idealistic world where I can just magically wake up tomorow, eat normally, 3 nice meals and snacks, and not put on weight, not to have to see any profressionals, just live a normal life, go on normally, but I know I cant, this isnt realisitc or possible.

dudara

OP - you really do need to seek medical help from your GP, or another GP. I'd also recommend taking a look at Bodywhys to get advice and guidance.

Posters - no medical advice please. Please offer constructive advice and support to the OP.

dudara

LifesgoodwithLG

Morning EDHelp,

My Name is Laura and 20 years ago I was in a similar position as you. I was bulimic from the ages of 14 - 21 and I can say that my proudest boast is that in the 17 years (outting myself as an AuldWan) I haven't been Bulimic despite some very stressful situations. I amn't here to offer any advice, just support and a warning. Despite not being bulimic in 17 years I have crazy acid reflux for over a decade as I weaked the muscles which keeps food down, as a result of not I have massive problems with my teeth and am facing the realistic possibility of needing dentures as I have zero enamel on the back of my teeth.
In my case I didn't go for counselling until this year and was dragging around this dark Bulimic shadow around me for too long, I am really sorry that I didn't go for counselling earlier. Imagine one of the 'freakish circus mirrors that distorts your shape' well thats what you see right now, you need to get some professional help to resolving that. You deserve a happy life and Bulimia will NOT bring you that. Maybe you could try a different counselor and explore why you became bulimic in the first place (in my case it was a control issue as I lost a lot of people in a short space of time).

Edhelp, Final year of college is super stressful and I dont think trying to resolve this issue on your own is going to help. You know yourself that Bulimia is not making your life better, instead of you being in control it controls you and its going to get accelerate. The good news is that if I can overcome it ( and pat on the back LG) then so can you. Bulimia is a rubbish way of losing weight however just think of me and zero enamel on my teeth needing dentures before I am 40.... not a pretty side but a common side affect.

I dont think you have any other option but to be open to help, This boardsie is sending you the very very best wishes and strength to be open to getting the help that you need. ps it took balls writing the above post, you are one step closer to a healthy happy you.

santana75

<SNIP>
I think you intuitively understand that you are the only person who can heal you. Thats why you dont want to go to a GP or undertake therapy. And this is a good thing, because a lot of people, especially those with ED believe that it is another persons job to heal or fix them. Its not. Whats good about other people though is that together there is a healing energy that will help you along the way. You cant quantify it, its just something that happens beyond the scope of science or measurement. So if you want a first step my advice is to go to group therapy. Sit in a room with others who will understand and accept you and will never judge only support and love you as you are. And this alone, is massive. Theres a group that meets every Tuesday in marino and all you need do is show up. You dont have to speak, just being in that room will lift a weight from your shoulders.
Theres a reason why you do the things you do and it originated for innocent, self protective reasons. So dont give yourself crap, its all you could do at the time. The biggest defence against binge/purge is to eat regular meals and not restrict in any way. If you do that you are 50% of the way there. Once you are nourishing your body then you can deal with the issues that created the ED in the first place. And by that stage you may decide to go talk to someone who understands. And thats all therapy is. Its not someone whos going to tell you what to do, its just a person who will listen and never judge you and in that space you get to work things out, for yourself. Life is always guiding you towards health and wholeness, its on your side.
For women especially the need to be thin is powerful, but its not inherent. Its something that society has given you, its not who you really are. The covert message is, if you are not thin then you will not be loved and accepted. But its a lie. To recover you have to be brave enough to stand up to that lie and not buy into it. You have to take a leap of faith and know that you can let go of control and see what happens. The paradox is this: When you stop trying to control your body and let it guide you it will become the best, healthiest version of itself naturally. You wont get fat. You wont become unattractive. The opposite is true. But you have to genuinely let go of the urge to control your weight.

LegacyUser

listen, i post this with the utmost respect for your condition.....

but you need to be told the truth.

this is what will happen to you if you continue:

your teeth will turn yellow/brown and then fall out from the acid in your puke wearing them down to nothing.

your skin will develop a soft FUR like texture - it's a side effect of losing some mineral due to purging. it happens.


Your hair will fall out, or go limp and thin.
your skin will turn grey.
your lips will shrink.
you will have stomach ulcers which can easily develop into cancers.
you can develop SERIOUS bone diseases from this.
you will ruin your ovaries and reproductive system.
you will possibly go through extreme early on-set menopause from this.

there are SO many things which may not kill you, but will make the rest of your life absolutely miserable.

think about it - what you are doing now (wanting to be thin etc) will seem like nothing when you have all those problems develop.

would you prefer to be of a normal weight with nice health, or would you prefer to go through any more of this and develop FUR on your skin, adult acne and have no teeth!?

by continuing on this path you will end up looking like a riddled heroin addict.

i'm sorry if that seems harsh, but you need to cop on and hear the truth of what you are doing to yourself.


you need to realise it is only YOU who obsesses about how you look.

look after yourself and stay healthy.

Emme

OP I understand it is very difficult particularly if you are going through a stressful situation. Bodywhys is one option but try to think of what you are doing to yourself long-term. I was bulimic from 14-17 (full-on) and sporadically up until 15 years ago when I had to pay a fortune for dental work. I have bridges and a denture and it's because of bulimia. Take care of yourself.

A fitness goal is a great help - you need to eat properly to be fit and if you are fit you will be healthy and look good. It is much better to go out and go to a dance class or zumba session where you will have fun and get fit than sit in beating yourself up over something you ate.

Jerome77

Two words

Overeaters anonymous

Full of wonderful recovering souls.

Google them, find a meeting near you. Best of luck OP. I have been there.

Yellow pack crisps

You say you're at peace with your body now but you have created a different issue that you are not at peace with hence your actual self loathing ! It's your mentality that's the real problem here and you really need to go talk to someone about it. If your family and friends can be cruel to you then I would hazard a guess where all this self loathing comes from, that in itself is a huge obstacle to overdone but one you need to overcome to look at yourself in a healthy way. You are showing self control in doing what your doing so you are capable in showing discipline so you need to understand what brought you to this point and start loving yourself and looking after yourself. If your in college then you could avail of counciling there for free I think. Its vitalily important to understand the harm you are causing yourself and then can you start to live normally. Please do so as if this prelongs to far then it will affect your life in so many ways as you get older. Life is really good once you get to a point of liking yourself and flaws are what we are and what makes us the people we become!

Parchment

Hi - I get you. I wish I could hug you!

I suffered from anorexia for a long time, then as I recovered it became binge eating for a short while. I never purged and I was never bulimic but all EDs have the same effect on your life - they ruin it.

It *is* possible for you to live a normal life - I remember when I was so sick with my ED I just dreamt of being normal, a normal person who nobody noticed for any reason. I am now "normal" again! Food is just food. Some days are good and some days are bad - and when they are bad I can cope. It took me a long time to get here though. I swear - I had the exact same dream as you to get up and not have food rule my world, to have three meals a day etc.

I can only tell you what worked for me. I had to accept I had a problem. I then needed to get some help - my gp is wonderful and I love her, I see you don't want to tell your gp. Is there a gp anywhere you could go to? Finding the right one makes a huge difference. Even a practice nurse - someone you can talk to.

I hear what you are saying about counselling - I went to counselling to stop my boyfriend nagging at me to get help. initially I went to a psychiatrist who specialised in ED's - I didn't want medication but went to about 8 sessions with her....and I HATED her, I just did not like her and it did nothing for me. I stopped going and didn't try counselling again until one day I just couldn't stop crying. I googled counsellors/therapists who specialised in eating disorders in my area. Like you I felt it was pointless but I wanted it all to end - I wanted the pain to stop. I found a therapist - attended a few sessions...and I swear I felt the weight lifting from me. She gave me the courage to love myself and be kind to myself.My ED was a way for me to punish myself for all my perceived failings. It sounds so airy-fairy but as cynical as I was - I could see the use in going to her for an hour a week. I would cry so much at the session and be exhausted after - but she gave me the space to say things I needed to say. She herself had an ED previously so I didn't feel she was preaching at me, she had been there.

Maybe you could track someone down like this? It just means finding someone *you* like and click with.

You mention your heart racing - ED's take such a toll on our bodies. We should love our bodies, they are the only ones we will ever have. Go to Bodywhys website and read their info leaflets, I started there - it was a private thing I could do to find out more about what was happening me. It made me feel more normal - they also have online support groups you can sign up to - try one. Its a great support and will help you see that you are not alone. Youre really not - I went through it and many others did, you will too.

I am rambling here but I promise you, you will get over this. you just need to find the things that will work for you - it wont be a perfect road to recovery. Many times I thought it was getting worse and maybe it was - but it did get better. Now I have a normal relationship with food, I am free from those shackles of food and weight obsession. I know weight is a concern - its a concern for all who have an ED - I am back to my normal weight that I had before my ED, my body changed a bit but its all good, im perfectly healthy and have my lust for life back.

Be kind to yourself. You sound so insightful. Look - everyone can say oh this will happen your teeth/this will happen your body and I know it wont scare you enough to just stop the cycle of purging. You need to go and see whats going on - whats actually causing it and address that.

Do try to eat well though - do not skip meals and don't let yourself get hungry. There is a food diary on the bodywhys site that I used for a while when I was binging and it really helped me. Your body really does tell you what you need to eat and its just about getting back in tune with that.

I wish I could help you more - but please know I had all those thoughts before and now they are gone. I live a normal life and food is just a small part of it. You can have that too - I swear.

LegacyUser

Hi all
So I found my old thread.
Ok a bit of an update/new enquiry looking for advice.I suppose.
As I said before I am in the final year of my college degree.
A huge chunk of my final year is dependent on my thesis. A thesis which I submitted late and is also an absolute shambles as a result. I believe that my lack of productivity and attention is directly attributed to the above mannerisms etc etc. I am unsure if I should apply for a sick note tho. I feel like maybe I'm just looking for excuses, special circumstances etc etc and tbh I dont want to come forward about this. One other person handed in a sicknote for the class and that is because this person had a heart attack. "I was sleepy cause I wasnt eating so I didn't finish on time" feels pathetic and I hate myself for it. So I'm stuck in a rut. It may also be too late for me to apply for a sick note of some sort. Ive submitted my thesis a day late. I didnt even have time to read over it (until now....its a load of bollocks) and I have to give a presentation to 2 of my lecturers tomorrow on said project.I am being docked marks for my late submission for my thesis as well as my submission of my lecture slides for the presentation cause it was a few hours late as when I was meant to be preparing those (day after thesis submissionndue date) I was trying to finish the thesis.
I just dont know what to do. Id rather not come forward about the whole thing and even if i did it feels like a pitiful excuse. I applied for deferrals and appeals for exams last year because of a depression diagnosis but I feel like I've been the special snowflake one too many times and I dont think if i did come forward with this it would be accepted by the college as a good enough reasoning to redo and submit my thesis at a later date.
Thoughts?

sporina

EdHelp wrote: »

Hi all
So I found my old thread.
Ok a bit of an update/new enquiry looking for advice.I suppose.
As I said before I am in the final year of my college degree.
A huge chunk of my final year is dependent on my thesis. A thesis which I submitted late and is also an absolute shambles as a result. I believe that my lack of productivity and attention is directly attributed to the above mannerisms etc etc. I am unsure if I should apply for a sick note tho. I feel like maybe I'm just looking for excuses, special circumstances etc etc and tbh I dont want to come forward about this. One other person handed in a sicknote for the class and that is because this person had a heart attack. "I was sleepy cause I wasnt eating so I didn't finish on time" feels pathetic and I hate myself for it. So I'm stuck in a rut. It may also be too late for me to apply for a sick note of some sort. Ive submitted my thesis a day late. I didnt even have time to read over it (until now....its a load of bollocks) and I have to give a presentation to 2 of my lecturers tomorrow on said project.I am being docked marks for my late submission for my thesis as well as my submission of my lecture slides for the presentation cause it was a few hours late as when I was meant to be preparing those (day after thesis submissionndue date) I was trying to finish the thesis.
I just dont know what to do. Id rather not come forward about the whole thing and even if i did it feels like a pitiful excuse. I applied for deferrals and appeals for exams last year because of a depression diagnosis but I feel like I've been the special snowflake one too many times and I dont think if i did come forward with this it would be accepted by the college as a good enough reasoning to redo and submit my thesis at a later date.
Thoughts?

as you are pushed for time I will make this brief... go to the college doc - she\he will give you a sick note for your condition - eating disorders are a documented mental health illness.. that much you need to know for now in order to deal with your thesis etc... in the long term - you need to realise that you have a condition - guilt etc is all a part of it... for now - try to separate the real you (from a place of love in your heart) from the ED in you (the intruder in your mind and body that wants to destroy/belittle etc you)
Best of luck

Jimmy Bottlehead

As said above OP, you were dealing with a massive mental health issue. Go to a GP, explain the situation and get a letter. There's no shame in this, and the college should take it into account when dealing with the final mark.

The future you will thank present you for facing this in order to get better marks. Feeling pitiful is temporary, but those college marks are forever.

Best of luck with the thesis and your eating disorder.

LegacyUser

I went to the head of the module and I was told to get a med cert. So I did just that. However I have now submitted said cert and been told that no I cannot resubmit my thesis despite the cert. I am in absolute despair. Im sat here balling my eyes out on the bathroom floor in the college. I just want to die right now. I want to drop out of college. I hate myself Im such a fool. I just dont know what to do. Im out of options and theres noone I can turn to or nothing I can do. My 4 years of college have amounted to this and I just destroyed it all on myself. For what....Even if I can prove that this was an ongoing thing it means nothing. Theres no one I can talk to about this so I thought I would just put it here. Thank you for all the advice everyone and I'm sorry.
Sincerely
OP

Parchment

EdHelp123 wrote: »

I went to the head of the module and I was told to get a med cert. So I did just that. However I have now submitted said cert and been told that no I cannot resubmit my thesis despite the cert. I am in absolute despair. Im sat here balling my eyes out on the bathroom floor in the college. I just want to die right now. I want to drop out of college. I hate myself Im such a fool. I just dont know what to do. Im out of options and theres noone I can turn to or nothing I can do. My 4 years of college have amounted to this and I just destroyed it all on myself. For what....Even if I can prove that this was an ongoing thing it means nothing. Theres no one I can talk to about this so I thought I would just put it here. Thank you for all the advice everyone and I'm sorry.
Sincerely
OP

There is no need to be sorry - I understand you are upset about your thesis, but your life and health is so much more important. Please confide in someone about your ED and how you are feeling, please see a doctor and get some medical help.

You are worth the effort - you are worth it. Please seek some help.

sporina

EdHelp123 wrote: »

I went to the head of the module and I was told to get a med cert. So I did just that. However I have now submitted said cert and been told that no I cannot resubmit my thesis despite the cert. I am in absolute despair. Im sat here balling my eyes out on the bathroom floor in the college. I just want to die right now. I want to drop out of college. I hate myself Im such a fool. I just dont know what to do. Im out of options and theres noone I can turn to or nothing I can do. My 4 years of college have amounted to this and I just destroyed it all on myself. For what....Even if I can prove that this was an ongoing thing it means nothing. Theres no one I can talk to about this so I thought I would just put it here. Thank you for all the advice everyone and I'm sorry.
Sincerely
OP

I am really sorry to hear this... are you sure you cannot get an extension? My mate got ill (anxiety) a month before her finals and got her exams deferred till August with a cert from the college doc - no problem..

In the mean time, I really think that you need to seek professional help for your condition - regardless of your thesis etc.. ED's are a serious condition.. be good to you!!! Take care of you! xx

LegacyUser

sporina wrote: »

I am really sorry to hear this... are you sure you cannot get an extension? My mate got ill (anxiety) a month before her finals and got her exams deferred till August with a cert from the college doc - no problem..

In the mean time, I really think that you need to seek professional help for your condition - regardless of your thesis etc.. ED's are a serious condition.. be good to you!!! Take care of you! xx

No I tried. The head of the module told me I could resubmit if I got a medical cert. I did and then a few hours later I got an email from him telling me no. Dept. rules wont allow a resubmission and that I should have applied for an extension before I submitted my first thesis, like what other people did. I was not even aware at the time you could apply for an extension. Once something is submitted tough fúcking shít. I went above the department to the college of the subject and they said the same. They told me to apply for an appeal in August. I did that before. I got documents from a doctor and 3 counsellors. I put together a table of all my past grades showing that subjects which I had taken exams in previously that overlapped with the subjects I was appealing I had achieved over 40% better in. They moved my grade up for the modules by a meaningless 3%.

So I submitted my withdrawl from the course today. With only a few months left of my degree I've decided to pull out. Id rather have no degree than a sh1t useless one. My grades are who I am and the only thing that gives me a bit of self esteem. If I graduate with a terrible grade I'll never forgive myself its scarred to my name for life.

sporina

EdOp123 wrote: »

No I tried. The head of the module told me I could resubmit if I got a medical cert. I did and then a few hours later I got an email from him telling me no. Dept. rules wont allow a resubmission and that I should have applied for an extension before I submitted my first thesis, like what other people did. I was not even aware at the time you could apply for an extension. Once something is submitted tough fúcking shít. I went above the department to the college of the subject and they said the same. They told me to apply for an appeal in August. I did that before. I got documents from a doctor and 3 counsellors. I put together a table of all my past grades showing that subjects which I had taken exams in previously that overlapped with the subjects I was appealing I had achieved over 40% better in. They moved my grade up for the modules by a meaningless 3%.

So I submitted my withdrawl from the course today. With only a few months left of my degree I've decided to pull out. Id rather have no degree than a sh1t useless one. My grades are who I am and the only thing that gives me a bit of self esteem. If I graduate with a terrible grade I'll never forgive myself its scarred to my name for life.

oh i am sorry to hear all of this - I didn't realise that you had already submitted it. I can understand why they don't allow this as loads would do it if this were the case in the hope to get a better grade etc. Oh gosh there has to be someone at the college that you can talk to? You have your final exams to take - surely the thesis is only a part of your degree? I think you are being harsh by backing out of your course now? Please try and talk to someone in your college? There has to college student support? Career guidance, head of department - someone? Have you had an advice from your college on this? You cannot deal with this on your own. You have put 4 years of work into this - you will regret it if you don't finish your degree. In the mean time be good to you - it will be difficult for you emotionally if you cannot get your degree - there are supports in college I am sure of it.

MaroonAndGreen

EdOp123 wrote:

So I submitted my withdrawl from the course today. With only a few months left of my degree I've decided to pull out. Id rather have no degree than a sh1t useless one. My grades are who I am and the only thing that gives me a bit of self esteem. If I graduate with a terrible grade I'll never forgive myself its scarred to my name for life.

I had to post here. Your not thinking straight at the moment, I don't want to sound patronising but your not. Please for your own sake complete the last 5-6 months of your degree. I guarantee you will regret it in time if you pull out so close to the end.

MaroonAndGreen

EdOp123 wrote:

So I submitted my withdrawl from the course today. With only a few months left of my degree I've decided to pull out. Id rather have no degree than a sh1t useless one. My grades are who I am and the only thing that gives me a bit of self esteem. If I graduate with a terrible grade I'll never forgive myself its scarred to my name for life.

Ah ya that would be a terrible decision and such a shame. Stick it out

Ursus Horribilis

I've read this thread and it is desperately sad. I'm sorry that you've been reduced to a bawling wreck but please don't jack in your course at this late stage. You might not be happy with the grades you've been getting but it's not the end of the world. A sh*t degree is still better than no degree.

emmaro

Any degree is still better than no degree.

I was extremely disappointed in my final results in college - but, I got a job in the area my degree was in. From my experience, maybe like 1/4 of places actually care about whether the degree was a 1st, 2nd etc. They are more interested in you and what you can bring to the workplace. The degree is just a formality tbh.

Ursus Horribilis

emmaro wrote: »

Any degree is still better than no degree.

I was extremely disappointed in my final results in college - but, I got a job in the area my degree was in. From my experience, maybe like 1/4 of places actually care about whether the degree was a 1st, 2nd etc. They are more interested in you and what you can bring to the workplace. The degree is just a formality tbh.

This ^^^

In my experience, an awful lot of graduates end up working in careers that have little to do with their degrees. Quite frankly, you jacking in your degree at this stage was the most incredible act of self-harm you could do to yourself. You really shot yourself in the foot and for what? So you can continue with your self-loathing and self-flagellation?

If you can at all, please go talk to a mental health professional. Then approach the college authorities and retract your decision to quit. Bad and all as having a mediocre degree is, having to explain what you've been doing for 4 years and having nothing to show at the end of it is worse. I hope you have reconsidered this rash decision in the meantime.

Alf Veedersane

First things first, past experiences with counselling are no reason to not seek it again for a different problem. Just a reason not to go back to that counsellor. How you get on with your counsellor can be a major factor in success or otherwise of counselling.

I didn't think I needed counselling until I ended up in A&E undergoing a battery of tests to explain my dodgy ECG, low potassium levels because there was nothing in what I told them.

Until I eventually admitted the ED. I subsequently was sent to a CBT who was brilliant. I wasn't unhappy with my body or weight at the time either.

So I think your best chance is to go to a GP and get a referral. I didn't want people knowing either though when my siblings did find out, their reaction wasn't overwhelmingly supportive...so I get that.

But that was them. It ultimately didn't matter because I had never depended on them for support in my life so this was just another such issue.

The CBT helped get to the root of the problem and figure out how I got to where I was. That helped massively in figuring out how to deal with it.

But I'll never forget the morning in the hospital O admitted it. A weight lifted off my shoulders.

As for your degree, having any degree will give a foundation to build on, regardless of the result. You can come back ready to tackle it and come out the other side with a degree you're happy with.

beks101

EdOp123 wrote: »

My grades are who I am and the only thing that gives me a bit of self esteem. If I graduate with a terrible grade I'll never forgive myself its scarred to my name for life.

No they are not who you are, they are a superficial number on a certificate that represent a bit of cramming or a few weeks/months of strategic study that you did during a brief period in your life.

This kind of thinking is a big symptom of your eating disorder. EDs are about control, striving for a perfection that isn't obtainable or sustainable for any realistic period of time.

I felt like this too when I was at college and struggling with an ED. If my grades slipped beyond a 1.1 I went into a blind panic and it triggered the self-destruct button in the biggest way possible. I'd often go from a few "good" days to relapsing into a binge-purge cycle and disappearing down a vacuum of depression and despair if I didn't succeed 100% at a course or assignment or exam in something that was a new and difficult subject to me, and no amount of logic could talk me down. This is because self-compassion and self-care are not possible in the world of eating disorders and when you can find no value in who you are as a person, you search for it in tangible areas. Your weight, your appearance, your grades.

Your grades are not who you are. Your weight is not who you are. Your college results and your degree is something you are doing, to the best of your ability, at clearly a difficult time in your life, and NOT another reason amid a long list of reasons to beat yourself up and set your mental health back even further. It's a piece of paper. One that most employers won't particularly care about, your degree will typically serve as a "tick the box" more than anything else to most future employers.

As others have advised, if it's possible to reverse your withdrawal and see through your final months, I would do that as a matter of priority. It will save you the hassle of explaining the elephant in the room in future interviews.

And more importantly - stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and get on with the business of helping yourself to recover. EDs are one of the most completely misunderstood mental illnesses out there - I even met qualified doctors who "specialised" in them and still didn't have a notion of what I was going through. You will meet judgement. You will meet resentment, anger and perhaps a belittling of your condition because sadly society has a lot to learn about this horrible, soul-destroying disease. But that's what it is - a disease - and just like cancer, it will fester if you don't go out there and get the professional help you need.

If it means taking a year off academia and postponing your working life, so be it. God knows you'll be working for long enough. It took me a long, long time to get to grips with my illness and that was with all the help and all the support in the world. I know it doesn't feel like it, but there's help out there. The Marino Clinic if you're anywhere near Dublin is great and has a weekly group meeting that you could attend.

Overeaters Anonymous is another one or you'd have the option of another college counsellor. What worked for me was psychotherapy with a counsellor that I trusted with my life. It took some amount of "shopping around" to find her and the fees nearly destroyed my poor student bank account but it was the most important thing I've ever done for myself. She taught me how to re-programme my brain to think of myself with love and compassion and sorrow for how I had been treating myself and those are things that stay with me to this day. It taught me to stop and think right before an act of self-destruction and figure out what I really needed in that moment.

I feel your pain and I know you are in a panic and feeling like the most isolated person in the world OP. But you WILL get through this. It is a blip, and it is one that will teach you so much about yourself and about life and when you surface on the other side you will be so much more mindful and so much stronger for it. You will have the perspective to see that none of the things you're worrying about right now really matter x

sporina

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

This ^^^

In my experience, an awful lot of graduates end up working in careers that have little to do with their degrees. Quite frankly, you jacking in your degree at this stage was the most incredible act of self-harm you could do to yourself. You really shot yourself in the foot and for what? So you can continue with your self-loathing and self-flagellation?

If you can at all, please go talk to a mental health professional. Then approach the college authorities and retract your decision to quit. Bad and all as having a mediocre degree is, having to explain what you've been doing for 4 years and having nothing to show at the end of it is worse. I hope you have reconsidered this rash decision in the meantime.

OP i hope you are reading the advice here - My main worry is that by backing out of your degree now, you will feel so much worse later and that will make your current condition worse.. while you might feel a little relief now - the self loathing I imagine that you will feel later on will feed your ED condition and leave you in a worse place that now.. Its time to speak up and seek support from services - and they are available - I think you have to first of all perhaps reliase that you can talk to people about this; Bulimia is a lot more common than you think - and it is a mental health problem.. you are not to blame for it - there is support and understanding out there for you.. you have to for one moment, see yourself separate from the disorder.. do not let it rule you!! pleaseee be good to you!

Taltos

Mod Note
Thread Closed

Hi OP.
With the recent turn of events triggering a fresh review we're now closing your thread. Generally with eating disorder threads we close them as soon as they are reported and suggest you use the support links in the charter as well as reaching out to your GP. In this case though after discussion with you we let this thread open for a while.

Your recent decision to quit college is a worrying turn here. Please do take on board all of the advice of the posters here, many of whom have struggled with the same demons you now find yourself living with. In particularly I'd like to thank Alf and beks for sharing your own stories.

Please OP. Follow their advice and get the help and support you genuinely need here.