Drug use. Boyfriend's family.

Maggie Simpson

Hi all.

I have a really tough situation and need some views from strangers! Actually I can't talk to my friends or family on this one as you'll understand if you read on.

My boyfriend and I have a one year old son. When he was born, my boyfriend's Mum moved here to look after our son so I could go back to work. She moved into an apartment I own and lives there. We live elsewhere. Our son is with her 4 days a week. Her boyfriend comes to visit her a few times a year. I don't really like him. He watches TV all day, hasn't worked in years and smokes dope all the time. As she does but never when my son is around.

Last week my boyfriend told me that his Mum's boyfriend had done crack recently. Or he thinks he had and is trying to find out more. I said I trusted my boyfriend to find out and if it's true, well, his Mum will dump him and he will never be here again.

What I really want is for this guy to never be in the same room as my son. But the only person who will suffer is my boyfriend's Mum (and therefore him) if I do that.

I have made a few snide comments about the guy and my boyfriend is now not speaking to me as he says I am unsupportive and don't care about the impact this is having on him. I am absolutely livid.

If you were a parent in this situation, what would you do?

leggo

Your son is the priority in this situation. Forget about what you want, what your boyfriend wants, what his mam wants and least of all what the mam's boyfriend wants. The only priority is what is and isn't good for your son. And you should be willing to fight for and, if necessary, lose all of these people from your life if it comes to protecting the child's best interests. That'd be my attitude anyway.

I would flat out tell the mother that you don't want her boyfriend around the son owing to his drug use. Obviously do it in a tactful way to account for how you appreciate what she does for you, and because you don't want to burn a bridge, but at the same time make this a red line and don't mind what anyone else thinks. Don't hesitate in explaining to her way and don't allow her to make excuses. This is your decision and it's final.

The ideal circumstance is that your boyfriend goes along with this and you approach this issue as a couple and a team, but you also need to prepare for the possibility that he doesn't and, then, keep in mind that as the unmarried mother you hold all the cards in this scenario and they must play to your beat if they want to even see your son. I'm not saying that to alarm you or suggesting you do anything drastic, just know that you're the one with all of the power here and act accordingly.

In my (admittedly limited) experience with situations like this, lines need to be drawn and drawn clearly early on. You shouldn't have to compromise on a child's wellbeing and upbringing for anyone else's benefit. But allow one thing and then it becomes the norm and your battle becomes much more difficult. You're in the right looking to give your child the life you want to give him, i.e. away from this crap, so don't hesitate or compromise in doing so to keep anyone else happy.

I'd also suggest, again this is from somewhat limited experience, that in your own time you gather evidence (pictures, dates, times, screenshots of texts etc) of any transgressions here just in case you need it at a later date. Again, ideally you won't, but better have and not need it than need and not have it.

Augme

Might be a good idea to wait and see if the guy did do crack.

leggo wrote: »

keep in mind that as the unmarried mother you hold all the cards in this scenario and they must play to your beat if they want to even see your son. I'm not saying that to alarm you or suggesting you do anything drastic, just know that you're the one with all of the power here and act accordingly.

Talk about a ridiculous over reaction tbh. Not only that, but how will the OP cope on her own? Do you think she should quit her job and mind the child herself once she tells the boyfriend and mother to piss off? Should she pay for a childminder, will she be able to afford that?

Maggie Simpson

Thanks for replies. He did do crack before. Years ago but more than once so I don't think there is smoke here without fire. Sorry. Crack joke.

I can afford a chilminder. I could also move back into my apartment. We currently live in boyfriend's house so situation strong financially. I also have family here. Very supportive and fond of drinking but nothing else thankfully.

looksee

There seems to be a bit of a missing link here. Your bf told you that the mother's bf was doing crack, and he was going to try and find out more about it. You trusted him to do this.

Then you say that you made some 'snide remarks' about the mother's bf which annoyed your bf.

You also say that if he was doing crack the mother would leave him. How can you be sure of that?

It sounds as though your bf is on the same side of the fence as you, but he is trying to investigate his mother's partner which is delicate from his point of view, and you are getting in unnecessary digs. Why stir it up? Why not take account of his feelings and let him investigate. This is his family. So long as the partner is not in your apartment there is no drama.

Anyway the bottom line is that you need to keep your son safe while supporting your bf. I would be concerned about his mother smoking dope at all, you cannot be sure she is not smoking around your son while you are out. Certainly the mother's bf should not be in the apartment at all - this is your apartment, does your bf live with you, seems like a bit of a crowd in an apartment.

I think you need to be looking at reorganising the whole thing, but there is no point in upsetting your bf by thoughtless comments. You need him on side. Look at completely sorting who is living where, but do it with a bit of care, while keeping the main person, your son, safe.

Edit, while I was writing this you clarified a couple of things.

leggo

Augme wrote: »

Talk about a ridiculous over reaction tbh. Not only that, but how will the OP cope on her own? Do you think she should quit her job and mind the child herself once she tells the boyfriend and mother to piss off? Should she pay for a childminder, will she be able to afford that?

Did you even read the part of the post you quoted? I deliberately said I wasn't suggesting she do anything drastic. But it's important, when it comes to these situations, to remember the power you have in case worse comes to worst. So the OP should know she has NO need to compromise on allowing her child to be around someone who does crack. She doesn't have to back down an inch and shouldn't. And she's since posted an update that would suggest she'd do just fine if it came to that. So she can dig her heels in and insist for the safety of her child. Which, again, is way more important than anyone else's priorities here.

Maggie Simpson

looksee wrote: »

This is his family. So long as the partner is not in your apartment there is no drama.

Edit, while I was writing this you clarified a couple of things.

Just to be clear, he is in the apartment. He is coming over in a few weeks and staying for a month. She lives in the apartment (which I own) and he stays there when he's visiting.

lawred2

Have to say OP I think you're bonkers trusting these people with your son.

The Princess Bride

How do you know she doesn't smoke dope around your son?
Unless you've video footage of her activities when he's there the 4 days, you've no idea what she does or doesn't do.
Likewise with her boyfriend.
Also, what makes you think she'll dump him anyway?
As awful as he sounds, that's her choice not yours or your boyfriend.

Personally speaking, I'd be considering alternative childcare.
There's no way I would've wanted my children minded by anyone happy to watch TV and smoke all day.
Your son is priority here, especially now as he's older and will need more supervision toddling around.

By the way, snide remarks won't get you anywhere.
A frank, honest discussion about your child and his needs should.
Best of luck.

fatknacker

Are you really going to accept that there'll be an unrelated man who's a substance abuser living in your property and around your child 4 days a week?
Are you nuts? Recipe for disaster.

Xterminator

Hi OP

Do you honestly think snide remarks were going to improve the situation or make them worse? I would revisit your strategy here. Make your son the priority and bring your boyfriend on board by communicating in a positive and civil way with him, and allow him to do the communicating with his mum. Leave out the negative remarks, it only makes people emotional, and what you want is calm.

If you sit down together im sure you can agree he should never be in the same apt as a suspected crack user. as long as there is a suspicion he is on crack, you're putting your son at risk. Assuming your boyfriend has a fatherly bone is his body i think he can agree on that. Then agree on how you can achieve this and let him deliver any news to his mum.

That way you don't fall out with the mum.

osarusan

Take the child out and put them with a childminder.

Say something about it being good for their development and socialisation if you want to keep things civil.

I don't really understand the snide comments to your boyfriend - him bringing up his mother's partner's drug use and wanting to find out more about it made me think you and him were basically in the same boat about the environment your son was in - so I'm not sure why you were making the comments to him.

Does he have the same concerns you do about the mother and more importantly her boyfriend?

DukeOfTheSharp

To be honest this sounds nightmarish and I can't imagine how much it's worrying you to have two people caring for your child who're so strangely disconnected from responsibility. Coupled with that you seem to have a pushover of a boyfriend who didn't lose his mind when he found out what this guy was doing. I mean, snide comments aren't a reason to stop talking to you, and your boyfriend seeming testy may be down to the fact that he wanted an easy way out in terms of child minding.

I mean, he's 'looking into it'? Really? When he knows the lad has a history of upping his drug game? Hell, the very thought of these people being allowed near a child should have him as concerned as you, but instead he's playing private detective? He needs to get real and grow up, deal with the situation as is, and see that this isn't an environment that's even remotely suited for a child. What about your extended family? Is there anyone there who might want to help you out?

FortySeven

Leggo.

Your idea of a mother using access to a child to control extended family behavior is abhorrent. It discredits anything else you say in the 'defence of the child'

Truly sickening suggestion. You should not be allowed near children.

leggo

FortySeven wrote: »

Leggo.

Your idea of a mother using access to a child to control extended family behavior is abhorrent. It discredits anything else you say in the 'defence of the child'

Truly sickening suggestion. You should not be allowed near children.

Ugh. I'm a man. I disagree with the law regarding unmarried father's rights too. But I didn't write it and I'm powerless to change it, so please do not project your feelings about that onto me with such ridiculous lines as "you shouldn't be allowed near children." What a laughable thing to say. I'm sorry if you've gone through stuff relating to this law but, again, I didn't write it. So don't take it out on me.

This is a person who could potentially be doing class-A drugs around children. That's extremely serious. The OP has no cause to back down or compromise on that so shouldn't, because the law backs her all the way on this. That's all I said. If it was a man writing, I would advise him to tread more lightly because of the way the law is. I'm advising based on the way the world is, not editorialising and saying it should or shouldn't be this way. PI isn't the place for that.

Neyite

Mod:

Fortyseven, if you have no advice then don't post. It's an advice forum after all. Taking pot-shots at other posters is unwanted and unwelcome and your statement could be considered personal abuse.

Don't post on this thread again. And don't post in PI or its subfora until you are happy to post in a civil and constructive manner.

Yellow pack crisps

leggo wrote: »

Ugh. I'm a man. I disagree with the law regarding unmarried father's rights too. But I didn't write it and I'm powerless to change it, so please do not project your feelings about that onto me with such ridiculous lines as "you shouldn't be allowed near children." What a laughable thing to say. I'm sorry if you've gone through stuff relating to this law but, again, I didn't write it. So don't take it out on me.

This is a person who could potentially be doing class-A drugs around children. That's extremely serious. The OP has no cause to back down or compromise on that so shouldn't, because the law backs her all the way on this. That's all I said. If it was a man writing, I would advise him to tread more lightly because of the way the law is. I'm advising based on the way the world is, not editorialising and saying it should or shouldn't be this way. PI isn't the place for that.

You are still advocating it though. You might not have wrote the law but you certainly seem to be contributing to the mindset of it.


OP. No normal person would allow their child to be beside a smoker never mind drugs and especially crack and even if its potentially in use. You are failing your child with your matter of fact mentality dealing with this. Harsh yes but has to be said.

leggo

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

You are still advocating it though. You might not have wrote the law but you certainly seem to be contributing to the mindset of it.

I don't agree with free third-level education for all, but if my little sister avails of it that's great!

Similarly I don't agree with the law surrounding unmarried fathers, but there are instances when it's good that the mother is protected (it didn't become the law by accident, after all). As there are also instances when it's disgraceful that the mother is.

This is one of the former, because there is potential for messiness if her partner sides with his parent (he's already shown signs of this, for example they know this guy has done crack in the past and he's still been allowed over, and he's not talking to her based on remarks she made instead of having her back), then the OP may have to explore all options to protect her child from being around drug users. In that case, it is valuable that she know the law is on her side. That's all I've said here. People seem to be projecting other viewpoints onto me based on their own feelings about the law. That's not what this discussion is about.

Yellow pack crisps

leggo wrote: »

I don't agree with free third-level education for all, but if my little sister avails of it that's great!

Similarly I don't agree with the law surrounding unmarried fathers, but there are instances when it's good that the mother is protected (it didn't become the law by accident, after all). As there are also instances when it's disgraceful that the mother is.

This is one of the former, because there is potential for messiness if her partner sides with his parent (he's already shown signs of this, for example they know this guy has done crack in the past and he's still been allowed over, and he's not talking to her based on remarks she made instead of having her back), then the OP may have to explore all options to protect her child from being around drug users. In that case, it is valuable that she know the law is on her side. That's all I've said here. People seem to be projecting other viewpoints onto me based on their own feelings about the law. That's not what this discussion is about.

You should recognise that is was an inflammatory thing to say. There are a lot of fathers out there who have taken their own life because judges have the same view.

leggo

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

You should recognise that is was an inflammatory thing to say. There are a lot of fathers out there who have taken their own life because judges have the same view.

None of that has anything to do with this topic. This is a person looking for advice not wanting people who do heavy drugs around their child (and yes, I agree with exercising the law in place when it comes to that, regardless of if other men have been separated for different issues that have nothing to do with that). Focus on that and leave the unmarried father's rights debates for where they belong.

This is about the child here. Nobody else matters.

Neyite

Mod:

This thread is NOT a soapbox for fathers rights. Take the debate elsewhere - Humanities would be perfect.

This IS a thread for a specific poster to get specific advice on a specific personal issue. Stop derailing the thread.

Yellow Pack Crisps - don't post on this thread again, or you'll get a card to match your name. The earlier mod warning I posted should have given you a clue whether or not your post would be acceptable.

power pants

I think it's very important to not have a crack user near your child. Apart from the health implications of breathing in the smoke on his lungs. Even if the junkie smokes In the next room or at the front door all the smoke is still present in the apartment.

Also a crack head just after using will have a pumping sore head and will either need sleeping tablets, heroin or something to take the edge off. Hardly ideal to be potentially looking after your child even for 5 mins

Not to mention the erratic mood swings when going through the cravings or withdrawals

As for the grass, that's as bad. The child will stink as well as breathing in that

What does the partner do when he smoking grass and crack? Join in or just sit and watch? Bizarre

Big Bag of Chips

If you can afford alternative childcare, then organise it. It will be awkward for your bf when you have to tell his mother that you are changing, but you can come up with a plausible reason together.

You knew his mother occasionally used drugs but were happy to use her for cheaper childcare, so you need to take responsibility for that too, it's not just your bf's fault. Her bf is an added problem but he is no more your bf's fault than he is yours. You and your bf should be on the same side on this. He has the added complication that it is his mother, who he will have a loyalty too, who is part of the problem. That is why you need to support him and help him to do this without fallout with his mother. Snidey comments are helping no-one, and I don't know why you're livid (at your bf?)

Ursus Horribilis

I'm afraid I'd be asking a lot of questions not just about the character of the mother's boyfriend but of the mother herself. What sort of people are they? Was she working before she moved over? How well did you know her. Is she a good gran do you think? Do you trust her when she says she doesn't smoke dope around your child? More importantly, I would be asking why is she with a bum like this guy? I can't speak for anybody else but there is no way I would date somebody like this man. A lazy bum who does nothing but sit around all day and smoke dope (and worse). I can't help but think that you've potentially imported your own version of the Jeremy Kyle show.

I know sorting childcare for children is a nightmare, especially nowadays when most people have to go out to work and family structures aren't what they were. It would appear you've bitten off more than you can chew here. Your boyfriend is in an impossible situation here. Most people won't want to take sides against their own mother. I can understand why he's sitting on the fence and trying the softly softly approach.

You're in a no-win situation here and you're going to come out of this looking like the bad guy. You keep quiet and then you'll have this man hanging around your child all day. You say something and you'll p*ss off your boyfriend and his mother. You've got to decide here who your responsibility lies with here.

Maggie Simpson

Thanks everyone for your input. It is much appreciated. I have my son's name down for crèche in January for 2 days a week. He'll be with Granny the other 2. For now.

It is hard to find out the extent of her bf's drug use. Firstly he lives in another country but after a lot of discussion all 3 of us (my, my bf and his Mum) have agreed to insist he does a drug test when he is next over. And if he won't, she is ready to kick him out of her place (home place) and relationship is over. We have also told her that if she won't do that, she will have to leave.

Her dope smoking does concern me but I know she would never smoke in the apartment whether my son is there or not. She gave up smoking fags as soon as she knew she was going to be a Granny. Her dope smoking is an addiction and I don't think she will ever give it up but I am 100% sure she does not smoke when he's there. I also pick him up most evenings and I would know by her. She smokes at night to help her sleep which is obviously very damaging to her. As far as her boyfriend goes, they have been together 20 years and he has some weird hold over her. Part of getting her to move here was to have her away from him. I also know she suspects he has been seeing someone else since she moved to Ireland so my bf is on the case with that too. He knows a lot of people at their home place and is also going to go through his phone. I know that's terrible but this guy is too stupid to delete texts and I just want him gone now.

Thanks to everyone for the advice and views.