I don't want to make contact with father

Broken Hearted Road

I live at home with my mam.

My parents separated a long time ago. There were troubles there when my dad was living at home. They were always fighting. He was a drunk. He cheated on my mam. He was violent.

He moved out a long time ago in the late 90s. I was glad when he left because the house became peaceful. I remember as a young teenager, sitting in the sitting room and many times hearing his car come home, we would all just bolt to bed. Just to avoid he drunken state.

When he left, he left us problems. He never paid maintenance to my mam so that effected us. We lived on borderline poverty. He that out of badness really. Trying to punish my mam.

We made the best of a bad situation at home. Often things weren't easy but we made it.

When he moved, he didn't move far enough away. He had another child with his tramp. Often he would take his tramp and child away on holidays or buy them gifts at Xmas that we would hear about. Like one year he bought he b@stard son a quad bike and me and my siblings were ignored at Xmas.

Anyways the man is a builder. Things were always so tight growing up. If something needed fixing, my mam would have got me or one of the siblings to chase him up on the problem. Sometimes he did help but nowhere near enough and not without waiting for weeks and weeks. There were many times the boiler would break down and we'd have no heat or hot water.

Another time, a leak occurred in the kitchen sink. He was told about the problem but he gave us the run around about that. Eventually the whole kitchen just fell in around us.

When I started working many years ago. I knew what I wanted to do - save for a kitchen. When I had the funds, I talked to my brothers and told them I gave these savings, what would you think about a new kitchen. With that, we all worked together at putting in a new kitchen. It was a great night when it was completed. We never went to dad to ask for his help then.

Not so long ago, I was asked by someone, how do I get on with him and also the partner. I spoke nothing but positivity. I told her we don't see each other very much but when we do it is friendly and what was done all them years ago, is over and in the past and there's no point hanging onto all that. So things were positive on my front.

Not so much any more.

My dad has gone downhill a lot lately. He's down and out drunk. I caught him out on many lies too many times. Like, There was a family function abroad last year. He told the village in the pub he was traveling across the world. When it came to it, he made his excuses. He said he was 80,000 euro behind on his mortgage. I felt sorry for him but thinking about it afterwards, it doesn't sit well with me. The mist he would have paid for his house would have been 60 or 65 thousand back in the late 90s. Switch over to the euro would have brought it into the 100,000+ euro mark. His work began to dry up back around 2011. What on earth was he doing to be behind on his mortgage so much? I suspect it was all lies just looking for sympathy. If there was any truth in it, the bank would have thrown him out long before. He was too much of a drunk to save a bit of money for the function abroad.

A neighbour if mine one day came out and it was February and was shocked to see me walking. She thought the family was already gone to oz. I said no, that's not happening til June. About the same time my dad made a disappearing act from the village and later I discovered from an uncle of mine, he went to visit her sister for a few weeks. I suspect he told the whole village he was going to oz but in reality he went to the other end of the country.

Well, them, they don't sit well with me and I suspect lies. Caught him out on other lies too. His son is into sports and training. He said before xxxx (his son) cycled across the country from kerry to galway and did it in two hours. I thought something was wrong about that but said nothing. Sure, it takes 2 hours to drive it never mind cycle. I was at a party and got stuck talking to the tramp so to make small take I said, 'isn't xxxx a great lad for cycling all the way'. She said 'no, he never did that'. I told her father said he cycled from kerry to galway. That was that I knew it was lies.

---

Earlier this year we got a problem with the boiler. My mam was lucky to catch my dad and whatever came over him and a huge shock he actually came up to have a look. Discovered the problem - it was the water cylinder that was leaking and needed replacing. Passed it onto my uncle/his brother who is a plumber.

We waited a good two months but eventually the job got done. Unfortunately it didn't fix the problem and the boiler still isn't working properly.

I had family home on holidays in the summer. Father came up to visit them and while he was there, mam mentioned, the boiler never worked for us after that. Suspecting it's only a small issue and the pump needs replacing. Father said that he will mention it to the uncle and that he should be up next week. That was during the summer. Uncle never came. I met my dad 3/4 times since and each time he said he will be up during the week and it's just turned into a no show.

I'm sick of this to say the least. I can't think of any other reason why he would lie saying he will be up next week and never bother expect he's still trying to control and punish my mam. Leave her sitting in the cold. It's not just mam though. There's me. What the fcuk did I ever do on him to deserve this?

I have the details of a new a plumber. I want to go down that route now at this stage. My mam is apprehensive and she would like to try the father and uncle one more time. And she wants me to phone father.

I don't want to though. I don't want to see or talk to him again. I'm so mad at him and I really mean that. I don't want to give him another opportunity to lie to me. Not only that, it's just going to prolong the 'no heating' situation at home. He will say he will be up next week and it will come and go with no show. Mam will wait around for another few more weeks thinking that they might make an appearance any day now. Next thing we will be into January/February/March and still not fixed.

I told my mam, I'm not phoning him or calling to him but she's not listening to me. Calling to his house is pointless because he's never there. I trying to catch him over a different thing since September too but it's impossible. He's not at his home. More than likely in the pub. Mam is not listening to me and she's badgering on at me.

Car99

He doesn't sound like he can add anything positive to your life at this time, give him a wide berth.
Hes not interested in fixing the hearing , find another solution .

sullivlo

I'm confused OP. It sounds like a tough situation for you to be in, but is it a situation that you need to be in?

Like why is your mother so reliant on her ex? Why not just get a plumber from the golden pages?

And more importantly - why do you care so much? Anyone who matters will know what happened and know not to believe everything that your dad says, so you don't need to stress about that.

Have you considered counselling to discuss your unresolved issues? I don't think that it is healthy to refer to your fathers partner as his tramp almost 20 years since he left the family home...

Broken Hearted Road

sullivlo wrote: »

I'm confused OP. It sounds like a tough situation for you to be in, but is it a situation that you need to be in?

Like why is your mother so reliant on her ex? Why not just get a plumber from the golden pages?

And more importantly - why do you care so much? Anyone who matters will know what happened and know not to believe everything that your dad says, so you don't need to stress about that.

Have you considered counselling to discuss your unresolved issues? I don't think that it is healthy to refer to your fathers partner as his tramp almost 20 years since he left the family home...

If you read the whole OP, you would have read that I moved on from the past with positivity. The past wasn't an issue for me. I wrote it to give a brief history of the situation. I blocked out a lot from the past and it kinda came back after his latest stunt leaving us in the cold. He's a down and out drunk and liar and quite simply I I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore.

I can't think of any other name for the partner. Who is now his ex. She ran back to her ex husband. In all fairness to her she did do a huge favour for my mam and the family taking that drunk away from the family. I know it's not fair either calling their son a b@stard. He turned out to be a lovely young gentleman and I do like him and admire him. He turned out so well considering the parents he ended up with. Calling her a tramp and him a b@stard is wrong of me. I'm p1ssed off with my dad leaving us in the cold at home and that is the root of it.

I don't understand my mam on this one. If you read the whole OP, I think I wrote that I do have details of another plumber and I'd be happy to go down that route.

Joe Hill

<SNIP>


Accept that you cannot change him and be your own person. The past is the past. Move on.

tomwaterford

Call/arrange the plumber someday your mother's out and say nothing


As for being 80k in debt it's likely he remortgaged??


The rest is a mixture is lies/bullsht that your just best to gloss over and not get upset/take anything he says seriously........he's hardly likely to change

And not any harm coming from said lies just himself looking foolish

Broken Hearted Road

Joe Hill wrote: »

Accept that you cannot change him and be your own person. The past is the past. Move on.

This is it for me. The past is the past. It's over. I don't want to have anything more to do with him. I don't want to see or talk to him again. My mam knows where I am on this too. I told her and I was very clear about it. I think the man is scum. My mam is badgering on me to call him. She's still placing hope or something that he will appear. Calling him will just likely anger me more because I'll be lied to again and he won't show. Mam is not listening to me.

Broken Hearted Road

tomwaterford wrote: »

Call/arrange the plumber someday your mother's out and say nothing


As for being 80k in debt it's likely he remortgaged??


The rest is a mixture is lies/bullsht that your just best to gloss over and not get upset/take anything he says seriously........he's hardly likely to change

And not any harm coming from said lies just himself looking foolish

I don't know if his house is remortgaged. I don't think it would be. He was always careful and crafty with money so I doubt it is. More than likely lies looking for sympathy.

I'm angry about his lies. You said it makes him look foolish and this is true and my stance on it true.

LegacyUser

C'mon OP, you know it's a bad situation, but continue to expect him to fix leaks at things how many years later?

He's not going to arrive, and sitting there in the cold / wet seems to me as just playing the martyr. Leaks in particular will cause long term damage to the house so they need to be fixed asap.

The best part is, once you get someone else to fix it, it's one less reason to think about him or rely on him.

MouseTail

I couldnt read past you calling your half brother a b@stard child. That is disgusting and offensive used in this context (a child born outside marriage). The term tramp is not much better. Those words and sentiment were spat out in Ireland 50 years ago. Depressing that that attitude still exists.

Estrellita

Op, first I'm sorry you've had a tough upbringing. I'm struggling to understand why your father and his brother were ever involved in any plumbing work considering your father had left, how he treated you all, and not a stitch of maintenance paid. That is not a man I would have kept contact with. Your father lives a life he created for himself, a bloody mess. How much he does or doesn't have left on his mortgage shouldn't be any of your concern. He couldn't care less when he sent you all down the creak without a paddle.

I'm sure there is some kind of arrangement that can be met with a boiler maintenance company. Such as putting money each week onto an account to be able to afford annual servicing.

If your mum is a social welfare recipient, maybe it's possible to show an officer the quote for repairs and receive some help towards it. Food, light, heat, shelter etc.. those are basic requirements and needs for everyone. I can't see them not providing some assistance.

Your mum needs to cut your father out completely. I'm sorry to say this, but it seems to me that he has never been of any use to any of you. She needs to accept that, and so do you. You think he should come round too, that's why you were angry when he didn't. You've adapted the same attitude as your mum, when both of you need to let it go. When you do that, the disappointment in him will stop. For some reason you still expect things from him. Why?

tomwaterford

Broken Hearted Road wrote: »

I don't know if his house is remortgaged. I don't think it would be. He was always careful and crafty with money so I doubt it is. More than likely lies looking for sympathy.

I'm angry about his lies. You said it makes him look foolish and this is true and my stance on it true.

They huge amounts of people got sacked in during the boom with remortgaging.....if he was working away quiet well etc and meeting payments.....it is/was a good/cheap method to free up money for business uses etc



There is no value to be got by getting angry over it though.....it's who he is and I'd imagine most people who deal regularly with him have him measured

HanaleiJ5N

Broken Hearted Road wrote: »

If you read the whole OP, you would have read that I moved on from the past with positivity. The past wasn't an issue for me. I wrote it to give a brief history of the situation. I blocked out a lot from the past and it kinda came back after his latest stunt leaving us in the cold. He's a down and out drunk and liar and quite simply I I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore.

I can't think of any other name for the partner. Who is now his ex. She ran back to her ex husband. In all fairness to her she did do a huge favour for my mam and the family taking that drunk away from the family. I know it's not fair either calling their son a b@stard. He turned out to be a lovely young gentleman and I do like him and admire him. He turned out so well considering the parents he ended up with. Calling her a tramp and him a b@stard is wrong of me. I'm p1ssed off with my dad leaving us in the cold at home and that is the root of it.

I don't understand my mam on this one. If you read the whole OP, I think I wrote that I do have details of another plumber and I'd be happy to go down that route.

sullivlo DID read your OP so there's no need to be so ratty just because he/she said something you don't want to hear. 'Blocking things out' does not constitute moving on, and certainly not moving on with positivity. It's better to learn to accept things rather than block them out, otherwise they'll always be there, ignore them, block them out all you like, but eventually it will catch up with you.

Call me Al

Just call a plumber and be done with it.

Broken Hearted Road

tomwaterford wrote: »

They huge amounts of people got sacked in during the boom with remortgaging.....if he was working away quiet well etc and meeting payments.....it is/was a good/cheap method to free up money for business uses etcThere is no value to be got by getting angry over it though.....it's who he is and I'd imagine most people who deal regularly with him have him measured

What he said, it didn't sit well with me. It didn't make sense. Thank you for throwing some sort of light upon things. Maybe it's likely. The ex was fond of money and being brought on holidays and tarting herself up big time.

You're right on the last line too. Many people have him summed up.

Broken Hearted Road

MouseTail wrote: »

I couldnt read past you calling your half brother a b@stard child. That is disgusting and offensive used in this context (a child born outside marriage). The term tramp is not much better. Those words and sentiment were spat out in Ireland 50 years ago. Depressing that that attitude still exists.

It's not my stance in general. I know loads of lovely people who are single mothers, or unmarried couples with children and I would never dream of calling any one of them such bad names.

B@stard was written in haste. He's actually a lovely young man and I like him. I can't fault him at all. He's done nothing wrong.

Cheap tramp/tart still stands for his mother.

Dee01

Jesus OP, you have in no way moved in with positivity from this situation. The cheek of you speaking about your half brother like that. Shame on you. Get a plumber to fix a boiler in a house your father hasn't lived in in over 20 years. Ignore his lies. What do they matter? As for the title of this thread, if you don't want to meet your father, don't. It's that simple. And go and get counselling to sort out your anger and hostility towards a half sibling and father.

sullivlo

Broken Hearted Road wrote: »

If you read the whole OP, you would have read that I moved on from the past with positivity. The past wasn't an issue for me. I wrote it to give a brief history of the situation. I blocked out a lot from the past and it kinda came back after his latest stunt leaving us in the cold. He's a down and out drunk and liar and quite simply I I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore.

I can't think of any other name for the partner. Who is now his ex. She ran back to her ex husband. In all fairness to her she did do a huge favour for my mam and the family taking that drunk away from the family. I know it's not fair either calling their son a b@stard. He turned out to be a lovely young gentleman and I do like him and admire him. He turned out so well considering the parents he ended up with. Calling her a tramp and him a b@stard is wrong of me. I'm p1ssed off with my dad leaving us in the cold at home and that is the root of it.

I don't understand my mam on this one. If you read the whole OP, I think I wrote that I do have details of another plumber and I'd be happy to go down that route.

I did read the whole post

But a few things stick out in this post. Your past clearly is an issue for you. None of the story is relevant. It could have been short and sweet:

I'd like some advice. My mothers abusive ex-husband, who happens to be my father, is screwing her around by saying he will fix the broken boiler but he never follows through. I have the contact number for a different plumber but she wants to wait until my father fixes it. Has anyone any advice on how to speak to my mother about using the other plumber?

Instead it sprawls into a lot of unnecessary, vitriolic name calling about your own brother - who by your admission is a nice guy

If you say that you've no issues with your past - fair enough. But your posts suggest otherwise.

You're a grown up now. You don't HAVE to make contact with your father unless YOU want to. And if your mother continues to insist on having him help out, and you're not comfortable in that situation, then you can control not seeing him by moving out.

sullivlo

Broken Hearted Road wrote: »

It's not my stance in general. I know loads of lovely people who are single mothers, or unmarried couples with children and I would never dream of calling any one of them such bad names.

B@stard was written in haste. He's actually a lovely young man and I like him. I can't fault him at all. He's done nothing wrong.

Cheap tramp/tart still stands for his mother.

Just because you know single mothers and people who are born to unmarried couples, and because you wouldn't dream of calling them b@stards in real life, that doesn't mean that it is okay to call your own brother a b@stard, and it certainly doesn't give you the right to call anyone a tramp.

Just because you wouldn't say it to them in real life, spare a thought for anyone who might be the child of a single mother or an unmarried couple who might be reading this! It's not a pleasant attitude, and I really do think you should speak to someone professionally about your attitude towards your brother.

Regards,
A self confessed b@stard.

Big Bag of Chips

Your father is an alcoholic. Alcoholics lie. That's a fairly basic fact and anyone who has ever had even the slightest dealings with an alcoholic will know this. Also alcoholics spend a lot of money on drink. They will do whatever they can to have money for drink. Families will do without. Houses will get remortgaged. Bank loans, credit cards, loans from friends. You have witnessed first hand the type of man your father is. Why you believe his second relationship was all that fantastic I don't understand? His second wife/partner left him. He can't have been all that wonderful to her.

Call a plumber. So much arsing around to try appease a man who has no interest. Get the boiler fixed and be done with it. Once it's done it's done and your mam will not be too bothered.

And on a personal level I think you might benefit from looking up your local Al-Anon. It is a group for people living with an alcoholic in their lives. You are carrying so much anger and resentment it is affecting your life. You know your dad lies. You know this. So why you continue to try find him out on lies is beyond me. Unless you enjoy torturing yourself. You know he lies. So what good is trying to prove he lied in September? Every word he has ever said to you has probably been wrapped up in some sort of lie or other.

You haven't dealt with this. You haven't moved on. If you are still trying to catch him out on a particular lie from months ago (only one of many he will have told between then and now!) then you haven't moved on. Moving on would involve not caring enough to try catch him out, or accepting who he is and not caring that he lies because you understand he is what he is.

Your post is very sad to read. You are clearly very angry. Your father's alcoholism has affected a lot of lives. Yours, your mam's, your siblings, his other partner and child, his own siblings and parents. So many people affected by one life. You are not unique. The same story is being repeated thousands of times all over the country. Even in your own town.

Call a plumber and then contact Al-Anon.

sadie1502

Really b@stard child? Op youneed a lot of help. It's not the child's fault. I have a child and I'm unmarried God really do people think like that in this day and age it's disgusting and disturbing. You clearly are living in the past I understand you are hurt by your father's actions but that's hardly your half brothers fault he is innocent born into this mess your toxic father created. Get help and leave the past in the past. Get a plumber in and forget about him. It's like your enjoying this torturing yourself over and over because you are still so angry with your father.

Big Bag of Chips

On another note...have you contacted your uncle yourselves? Your dad isn't the most reliable person, he might not have even told your uncle that you're looking for him.

You are relying on a wholly unreliable man. Cut out the middle man. Contact your uncle directly or contact a different plumber.

LegacyUser

Dee01 wrote: »

Jesus OP, you have in no way moved in with positivity from this situation. The cheek of you speaking about your half brother like that. Shame on you. Get a plumber to fix a boiler in a house your father hasn't lived in in over 20 years. Ignore his lies. What do they matter? As for the title of this thread, if you don't want to meet your father, don't. It's that simple. And go and get counselling to sort out your anger and hostility towards a half sibling and father.

+ 1 Have to agree OP you first post is so full of hostility and built up anger that is not healthy and you certainly have not moved on positively or otherwise.

In the short term just call a plumber and get the boiler issue sorted. In the long term consider speaking with a counselor about what you've gone through.

Faith

Your father left in the late 90s. When he still lived with your family, you mention being in your early teens. So you must be at least 30 now? These boiler problems have been happening since before the summer. Why on earth haven't you arranged for a plumber to come out yourself?! You say your mum wants your dad to do it, but she won't get in touch with him and you can't get hold of him. I'm really confused as to why the situation has just been in this stalemate for so long.

Whatever about your reasons for the above, it is astonishingly clear that you have in no way dealt with any of your issues. No matter what you're telling yourself, you are not positive or okay with things, and I strongly recommend talking to a professional ASAP.

miamee

OP, the weather is simply too cold now at this stage to wait any longer for your father to organise for the boiler to be fixed. If I am reading this correctly, your mother is asking you to ask your father to ask your uncle about fixing it?! Talk about convoluted. Just call a professional to come and do it this week and let your mother call her ex-husband herself in the future if she needs a favour from him. It is very strange that she is still hanging on to him after this length of time and perhaps she could also do with some counselling; however the first priority is to get the heating fixed.

groovyg

Op your post is so full of hate its clear to see you have not moved on at all. I can't understand why you have such hatred for your dads now ex partner and their innocent son who was born into a toxic messy relationship.
Do you not consider yourselves lucky he left and found someone else otherwise he could have stayed and ye would have had to put with years of toxic abuse from him. He is an alcoholic, alcoholics are unreliable and drink is number one priority for them, so him not paying maintenance when he left was probably because his money was going on alcohol.
If he moved out 20 years ago I can't understand why ye are relying on him to fix odd jobs around the house. Its not his responsibility.
Are your parents officially divorced because it doesn't seem so from your post?

leggo

OP I'm sympathetic towards you. To be fair, I imagine a lot of the names and such you're saying come from your mother (since they're quite old-fashioned in their nature). It sounds like she's the one who hasn't moved on. She never came to grips with the fact that your father was gone and still, to this day 20 years later, relies on him to do DIY around the house. Part of a break-up, a painful part but one we all should go through, is removing all aspects of your ex from your life. And that includes some of the perks and conveniences like free DIY. You just find another way to do things without them. It's a basic part of breaking up, even in the most serious situations. These are steps that should've been taken in the first year or two after the split and weren't, and hey presto, here you all still are 20 years on.

And the fact that she's trapped in this traumatic period of your lives means you guys are also trapped by proxy. 20 years later and you can't let go of the hate, of the resentment, you're still caught up chasing him around, keeping tabs on his miserable life, trying to catch him in his lies. He's not going to change. He has two broken homes and multiple disappointed children and he hasn't changed. This is who your father is. It's not fair that you couldn't have a loving home and attentive father, but so many others (especially in Ireland) can tell you similar tales. All you can really do in your life is pay it forward and make sure that if you have a family and kids in the future, you give them the happy upbringing you were denied.

What about your mother, did she ever find anyone else or did she even try? All of you need to write this person out of your lives for good and start living in the now, far away from 20 years ago. If your mother never met someone (even for companionship she doesn't need to try dating or anything), try help put her in a position where she meets new people and builds a life completely separate from this man, she's LONG overdue doing so. Say all of this to her straight and put it on the table. Tell her you know she didn't mean to but her inability to move on has hurt your ability to do so. Figure out ways to get around ever needing your father again (like finding a plumber). Go to counselling if you need to to ensure you don't pass this trauma onto your future relationships and family. And just move on and find a new, happier normal away from this man. Forever. There's nothing else you can do.

Big Bag of Chips

There's a very big chance that your mother feels responsible for your father. Even after all this time. She met him, fell in love, married him, had a family and for years put up with his sht until eventually he left. He should never have had the chance to leave. She should have put him out. But she didn't. She stood by him. She covered for him. She lied for him. She protected him from himself. She would've even protected you from a lot of it. You saw a lot, but you can be certain she hid a lot more. She was mother and father in your house and kept everything going. So maybe now she feels she is "owed" something for everything she has done. Maybe she hopes that the man she originally fell in love with will finally come to his senses and appreciate the woman she has been all these years. It's not going to happen. You know that. Your mam knows that, but yes she wants to give him 'one more chance'. She has been giving him 'one more chance' for the past 30 odd years. She knows no different.

She'll need help if she ever wants to move on from him. But that will be down to her. You can talk to her and encourage her if you think it's a conversation you could have. But you can't force her. If you do try to broach this with her, don't get angry at her. She has lived her whole adult life sacrificing herself for others. For you, your siblings, your father. She doesn't know any different, and she might not even realise that she doesn't have to do that anymore. So you need to respect the woman she is and accept however she chooses to handle herself.

But... The boiler needs to be fixed. This week. So sort that out.

Edit: I'm not suggesting your mother is in anyway still in love with him, or would take him back. But it would be very natural for her to hold onto the belief that one day he'll sort himself out, for his own sake and for yours.

The Raptor

So you made a decision and you want to use a new plumber but your mother doesn't and you're blaming your dad for your nasty behaviour?