Money-grabbing relatives

LegacyUser

Hi, just wanted the opinions of others just to make sure I'm not being a selfish or horrible sod. I will just refer to them as the relatives just in case they see this.

So my problem is basically these relatives that are sucking the joy out of a Christmas that hasn't even arrived yet. It's usually just the three of us at Christmas, of course there might be one or two relatively but reasonably big gifts for each of us but the rest are small and very inexpensive. Between last Christmas and this upcoming one, I just can't stand the thought of the holiday approaching. I find this quite sad as Xmas was always my favourite time of year, not because of gifts, but also because of family and seeing people I haven't seen in a log time. I'm sure it's the same reason for everyone to love Christmas.

These relatives that are coming for xmas again are a bloody nightmare. They think we're piggy banks and are giving us lists for what they WANT and not for what they would like. I should also mention that by buying all these gifts all three of us will have spent at least €600 + together which makes me sick. I have set my budget this year for less than €20 each, because for one I think it's crazy and two, they honestly don't deserve it. They're the type that expect people to give yet they won't give in return. I don't want anything, I'd rather not have them here because they sit on their asses all day calling us back and forth when they want their drinks refilled or want a snack. I know everyone is going to say un-invite them but I can't as it is not my house and my relative that owns it is basically a door-mat (I don't like saying that because she is so nice and has a big heart but it's true), she is very loyal to family and refuses to see that they are using her to fill up their stockings on expensive gifts. They've already invited themselves for another Christmas and I just think I will go visit my sister. I hate to see them coming, they bitch about everyone and bitch about their gifts. Not that it matters but these relatives don't work and just expect everything handed to them. They think the relatives I live with are rich because they own their home. Am I just being horrible?

BettePorter

Your post is a little hard to decipher.Who are the relatives ? Inlaws? Parents? Siblings? Long lost aunts? Who are the people you live with? Parents? Spouse? It doesn't really matter in the greater scheme of things but it may help in terms of people relating to your post?

fineso.mom

Unless the relatives who are coming to visit are orphans, under the age of ten and still believe in Santa Claus, then I wouldn't spend another minute worrying about it.
If you want, a quick e-mail telling them you've all decided to limit presents to 20e or you're donating to charity instead.
Not a hope would I buy a present for an adult just because they expect it. Seriously? An invite to reality is needed.

retro:electro

Are they your partner's children?

Rachiee

Just becaise they give you a list of presents they want doesnt mean you have to get them. Let them sulk actually get the chicken/goat things from concern their faces will be priceless

LegacyUser

Hi, op here. They're aunt, uncle and their child. They were out of contact with us for years and seem to be only sticking around because they see my parents to be piggy banks. They complain that they never have money yet they seem to be able to afford more than us even though we work. My aunt keeps telling my mum that she cannot afford college and is now hinting that she needs money to send her precious child. A child that is obviously 18. I just feel like she is a bloodsucker when it comes to money. She is borrowing loads from us and not paying it back.

I would love to send her an email but I can't as my parents would go mad. I have set my limits as I am a student too but this woman is sending lists of everything she actually wants, like iPad mini's, phones, etc. But she tells my mum that she 'needs' them as they cannot afford it. Plays the poverty act very well. I just don't like that they're taking advantage because they know my mum is soft. They go on holidays three times a year, we haven't been on one in four years. My mum is just blinded.

Ursus Horribilis

What exactly have you said to your mother? I'd be more worried about the long term, not just Christmas.

twill

Put your foot down and say to your parents you will only spend X amount, and do just that. Ignore the list. Maybe have your sister there to back you up when you tell them, if that's possible.

You say your mother is the soft touch, what does your father say? Can you discuss this with him and your sister?

retro:electro

Did you write about this same problem last Christmas? This rings a bell for me.
Anyway I cannot get over the actual cheek of them to do this, but I'm afraid unless you or someone else speaks up and tells them where to go then this is just going to continue.

Big Bag of Chips

You can opt out of the present giving this year. You can encourage your mother to do the same, but ultimately, if she wants to buy presents for them and loan/give them money, then that's her decision. I take it it's her sister? Your mother is an adult who like it or not will most probably do as she pleases. I think it's up to your dad to put a stop to it, if it's their shared money that is being handed over.

You can highlight to your mother that nobody needs iPad Minis, or whatever else it is they're demanding. You can also point out that they seem to be doing alright for themselves considering they always seem to be broke. I'd hazard a guess that you're not the only people they're sponging off either. People like that tend not to be too fussy, or selective who they ask!

Don't get involved in present giving with them this year. If your parents are ok with them coming from Christmas them you have to accept that. Same as if they're willing to spend stupid money on presents for them. Maybe someday your mam will start saying "No". It usually happens, eventually, and then they just move on to the next piggy bank.

LegacyUser

Op here.

I don't know what she is saying to my mum but she always comes off the phone with a look on her face as if she feels guilty or owes them something. My aunt is one of those people that likes to talk all about herself but when it comes to the other person telling their story or sharing an opinion it is irrelevant and she speaks over them. She does this to my mother often. I suppose it's not just Christmas but an every-week occurrence. She keeps claiming she needs money for things that are legally free (healthcare).

No, I didn't post anything last year as it was the first Christmas they spent with us and I didn't know to what extent she spent on gifts for them alone. Quite terrifying. I have said something but always get told that I'm being selfish or horrible when really I'm just trying to get her to see sense. She will be broke if she keeps helping these spongers out. Yeah my dad also feels the same way and has tried talking to her but to no avail. I know I can't really do anything but it annoys me so much.

guppy

Xmas16 wrote: »

She will be broke if she keeps helping these spongers out. Yeah my dad also feels the same way and has tried talking to her but to no avail. I know I can't really do anything but it annoys me so much.

I don't have any practical advice, but from what you've said, I'm wondering if there are any underlying issues that caused the relationship breakdown between your Mam and her sister that your mother feels guilty about? Is she afraid of losing her sister again?

Sunny Dayz

As you are a self contained family and so are they, get your parents to tell them that ye will look after your own family gifts this year and so should they.


Perhaps suggest Secret Santa or Kris Kindle with a monetary limit of say €20. This is what we do with my husband's family for those who are going to be there for Christmas.


Lastly, as they are going to be with your family for Christmas, get your mum to suggest to your aunt that she pitches in with the Christmas meals, eg provide the dessert, one buys the turkey the other buys the ham, brings a few bottles of her favourite wines for the meal, does the Christmas morning breakfast, etc.


Personally we alternate between my parents and his parents each year for Christmas (and the year that we are with his parents' I have mine over for New Years etc) and we arrive at either house laden down with supplies and help out loads.

Magicmatilda

Honestly I don't think it is any of your business what your mother does with her money. After all it is her money and if she wants to spend it on her sister, that is her own affair. If your dad has an issue he should address it with her.

You simply buy presents for who you want to and who you can afford to. Are you being forced by your parents to buy presents for your aunt/uncle?

Your mother and her sister have a dynamic between them and while it might annoy you or you may not understand, it really isn't up to you to change that. No more that it is up to your aunt to try and interfere in your dynamic with your sister.

GingerLily

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Honestly I don't think it is any of your business what your mother does with her money. After all it is her money and if she wants to spend it on her sister, that is her own affair. If your dad has an issue he should address it with her.

You simply buy presents for who you want to and who you can afford to. Are you being forced by your parents to buy presents for your aunt/uncle?

Your mother and her sister have a dynamic between them and while it might annoy you or you may not understand, it really isn't up to you to change that. No more that it is up to your aunt to try and interfere in your dynamic with your sister.

Did you read the OP? She says they each spent 600e on the greedy aunt and family's presents, they're already involved!!

Xmas16

Xmas16 wrote: »

They go on holidays three times a year, we haven't been on one in four years. My mum is just blinded.

Xmas16 wrote: »

I have said something but always get told that I'm being selfish or horrible when really I'm just trying to get her to see sense.

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Honestly I don't think it is any of your business what your mother does with her money.

Matilda's right. You've approached your mother, you've been insulted as a result, leave her to it.

Magicmatilda

GingerLily wrote: »

Did you read the OP? She says they each spent 600e on the greedy aunt and family's presents, they're already involved!!

I read that as by buying the gifts requested it will cost €600+ together, as in between the OP, the mother and the father, IF they buy them. Op's share could be 20 or 590, we don't know. I could be wrong and OP spent 600 already but that is not how I read it, seemed future tense to me.

Which is why I say OP should only spend what they want to spend but what the mother does with her money is up to her. I wouldn't like my kids telling me what to do with my money.

Teyla Emmagan

Magicmatilda wrote:

Which is why I say OP should only spend what they want to spend but what the mother does with her money is up to her. I wouldn't like my kids telling me what to do with my money.

I think it's more the OP doesn't want to see their mother taken for a ride.

Your aunt sounds like a witch OP but your mother obviously wants her in her life. I would keep the peace as much as possible, especially this side of Christmas. Your mother probably knows the truth.

learn_more

Hi OP

Relatives can be a huge problem in peoples lives.

Aunts, uncles, cousins, people you couldn't care less about, yet you feel some obligation to them.

You will hear people say that relatives are important because they are family. This is hogwash. The only people who are important to you is the people who are important to you in your life.

That is to say that the people who are important to you is NOT people who expect you to full-fill perceived obligations.

YOU have no obligations to your Aunts, Uncles, Nephew, UNLESS, you have a personal relationship with them, one that is personal and means something to you. Blood lines is irrelevant.

Please, stop wasting you time , money, and emotional energy on these people.

Make some plausible excuse to not be there on Christmas day. Believe me it will work, it worked for me once, they will get the message eventually.