Can't have more children..... devestated

LegacyUser

Recently I have been told that I can't have any more children for medical reasons.

We already have a son and I know I'm extremely lucky, but after several miscarriages I had a complication with a still birth and now I can't have any more babies.

I'm devestated, for me, for my husband and for our son. We never intended for him to be an only child. I'm an only child and swore I'd never have just one.

My husband doesn't want to consider adoption, maybe it's just too early for him and he will consider it at some stage.

I'm just wondering if anyone has been through this, how did you cope?

bp

I have no advice to offer but wanted to sympathise, this must be very tough for you and your family. Give yourselves time to grieve what you have lost x

xzanti

No advice either, but I'm so sorry to hear your story.

I hope you can find comfort x

Felix Jones is God

I've only 1 daughter after 7 IVF attempts, would have loved more children, but it wasn't happening and I've accepted it.
It's probably not of much use to you right now, but cherish the son you have and don't fret things that may have been.
I'm extremely grateful and happy with the one gift I have

Lau2976

I'm sorry for what your going through OP.

I'm unable to have children too and the only advice I can really give is that it gets easier with time. It is a hard thing to come to terms with, the thought that the decision to have children, or in your case more children, has been taken away.

For me it made me feel worthless and angry at those who could have children so easily but who in my mind didn't deserve them. Even if I didn't necessarily want children anyway.

Enjoy the son you have and don't think about what could've been, focus on what is.

whoopsadoodles

I have given birth to three healthy happy babies. I've had more pregnancies than that which unfortunately didn't make it. I also lost my first two children in an accident.

I tried for a long time for another child but it never happened and there was a lot of heartache involved.

I now have one child who I am beyond grateful for but I wish she had a sibling to grow up with.

All I can tell you is to invest all your love into your son. Get him into as much sports/clubs/anything where he can spend as much time as possible with other kids. Have as many of his friends over as you can. Spend lots of fun time - rather than parent time - with him. Turn yourself into a child sometimes for him. It's the best feeling believe me!!!

My life is essentially spent running around after my daughter. Right now I'm sitting outside her basketball training. Tomorrow she'll have a football match and two basketball games. She's not missing out and I no longer feel guilty.

Get counselling. I never did but I know other mums who have found it the best thing in the world.

Don't blame yourself. None of this is your fault. You have a beautiful son and he will get extra time from you and all the love in the world. He's not at a disadvantage.

Mind yourself.

LegacyUser

You are truely blessed to have been able to have one child. Very lucky. Was told this year that i cant have children. Broke my heart. Tried ivf amd had an early miscarriage. Now im trying to grieve for the life i will never have but soo desperately wanted. Its soo difficult to see friends and family having children but you know you will never get the chance. And as much as they try they will never understand or realise how your heart breaks when you see them with their kiddies.
You were lucky to have one child. Id give anything to be in your shoes. Me and many more out there will never get that chance.
Be thankful for what you have.

amtc

I'm an only child. I don't have any children, nor do I have any desire for same. My best friend is longing for children, two ivf later, no success. We were shopping recently and there was a toddler racing around..
I thought a pain and she was oohing and aahing.

There is nothing wrong with being an only child!

My friend is mid of seven and hates she never had anything of her own, whereas I had everything. I'm in my 40s now but my parents treated me as an adult all my life.

whoopsadoodles

OP, while I agree with the sentiment of being thankful for what you have. Please don't feel guilty about your feelings.

While accepting that you are better off than some is a good tool to use to get through your own pain once you begin accepting it, it is not something that should be used to entirely dismiss what you are going through.

You can of course be very grateful for what you have while also grieving the lost pregnancies and the trauma of a stillborn baby which people seem to entirely underestimate.

One thing I made the mistake of doing was beating myself up for not just shutting up and being grateful for what I had. That in turn caused me to be catapulted into a breakdown which left me struggling with day to day life

There is someone a whole lot worse off than every single one of us, that does not mean you have to go around bouncing with happiness all day long and feel bad when you're not on top form.

This is hard for you and that's ok.

Magicmatilda

I am sorry to read what has happened. I was actually compelled to write because of this idea that you should be grateful for what you have.

I think having had several miscarraiges and a still birth, followed by being told you cannot have any more, is not something to be grateful for.

Allow yourself to grieve. You must be jaded after all that. Just give yourself time to process all the emotions by trying to get through each day as best you can. So not feel guilty for feeling loss. Yes you have more than many but you also got a worse deal that many too.

Perhaps in a few years you can look at other options, fostering, adopting etc... But for the minute, be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve.

Big Bag of Chips

I just also want to say, your husband shouldn't get lost in all this. He is suffering the same loss you are. He will be grieving too. Talk of adoption might be premature if you have only just found this out for definite. It's not something that he ever had to consider before, so him saying he opposes it is not something you should take personally. Who knows how you will both feel down the road? Who knows what changes life will bring you?

Now is the time for you both to grieve. Even though you are going through it together, you will both individually be dealing with your own personal struggles. For now, just be there for each other. Decisions and options can be discussed further down the line.