The End of the Road

melon_collie

My wife and I are married about 8 years. Over that time we have been through a lot of turmoil with health issues she has had. She went through chemotherapy within 6 months after the wedding which was incredibly tough. Because of the chemo we were only able to obtain one of her eggs for IVF. But with no success.

At that stage I would have been happy enough to leave it be and just go without kids. But we decided to go abroad for egg donation. We had two attempts both of which failed. We have one egg left which we were intending on trying for next year.

These plans are now in ruins after a small bit of cancer was found a few weeks ago. The cancer was restricted to what was removed thank God, which we are so grateful for.

Going for any more IVF means that there is a risk initiating the cancer again. I am content just to leave things as they are now and go without kids. It has been a long 8 years and we have both put our lives on hold in many ways with the IVF and hospital procedures, etc.

My wife is now talking about adoption. To be honest this is not something that particularly interests me. Never has. She has always expressed a desire to adopt but I don't think it would have happened if we had conceived ourselves.

My main issues that I have no real desire to adopt. I just want to accept things and try to move on with our lives. The thoughts of putting our lives on hold for something else now, potentially years of waiting and hoping and jumping through hoops for various regulatory bodies, etc. would not be something that I want to do.

However I am very aware that my decision will impact on my wife and deny her the chance to be a mother. I already feel like such a selfish pr1ck for not wanting to do it. But that is just how I feel.

I just don't know what to do. Will she resent me forever? We have not yet had the serious discussion about adopting but it will be coming soon.

Any advice would be appreciated

ally_pally

Hi melon_collie,

I'm afraid I don't have a huge amount of advice to offer but I didn't want to not reply. You have my sympathies for what must be a desperately difficult time and your wife. Very glad to hear the cancer that was found seems to have been fully removed and hopefully you and your wife have no more health scares.

As regards you moving on from IVF to adoption, you seem like a really understanding husband in worrying about how your feelings and decisions will impact on your wife's chances of becoming a mother, however my advice to you would be don't discount your feelings in this. They are every bit as valid as your wife's. You're worrying that your decision will be a permanent end to her chances of being a mother, but you have every right to not want your life to be taken over by years of waiting, hoping, being assessed, bureaucracy, waiting and more waiting.

My own situation is that it was taking my OH and I quite a while to conceive. We were lucky in that we never ended up having to go down the IVF route and got pregnant after a bit less intervention. But I'm a huge worrier and every month where it wasn't happening for us, I found myself googling trying to find out as much as I could about adoption, surrogacy, any kind of experimental treatments that would work. I mentioned the possibility of adoption to my OH a few times and he really wasn't keen on it. His thoughts were that he wanted us to have a baby of our own, he didn't want to be a father so much that he would be willing to go through the years of waiting and assessments and more waiting and possible ultimate disappointment that the adoption process would entail.

While I felt differently I had to understand where he was coming from. My desire to have a baby didn't override his desire to not want to go through that procedure and I wasn't willing to put my marriage at risk because of my own wants. My marriage is a partnership which I massively value and that involves both partners having an equal say. As I said, we're lucky in that we never had to fully face that decision head-on, but it was one I was prepared for.

Is there counselling available that you could both go to perhaps to try and work out your feelings on this? Your wife is understandably heartbroken but whatever decision you both make on whether to go for adoption or not is one that should be made with a clear head and not just something you barrel along into because it's the next option on a list. Counselling might help with that.

I really wish you both the very best of luck.

melon_collie

I really appreciate your comprehensive response. It's too early for us to discussing this at the moment. I think we just need a bit of time to take in everything that has happened over the last couple of weeks. And discuss it in the new year.

I will certainly consider the counseling and perhaps suggest it to her.

Thanks again for your advice

ally_pally

I think taking some time out to think about this makes a lot of sense. A few weeks of thinking and allowing your news to settle in will hopefully give you both clear heads when you look at this again.

Intothesea

Hello there. I can say that I've been in a similar, but nowhere near as complex or long-lived a situation as you describe. When the dice seemed to roll the wrong way for us I felt the same as you, partly because I believe the work in raising a child is so great that only genetic involvement can make it worth it, and partly because I was so battle-worn from the stress of apparently causeless infertility that I just didn't want to struggle in vain any longer.

I'd like to put the idea forward that adoption could be the one thing that resolves all of the frustration and worry of your current predicament. Imagine preparing to adopt: paperwork, interviews, a bit of nail-biting -- small relatively enjoyable beans compared to the very serious emotional and psychological strain-producing efforts of what you've both been at.

If your wife is set on adoption this could come from two different angles, so to speak. The first is the desire to recoup something for the effort involved, in a 'so much effort, time, cash and hope down the drain, time for a result' type of outlook, and the second, despite the laws of equality, is a woman's ineffable desire to reproduce, love, and raise a child.

A good discussion with your wife will help you get to the bottom of her orientation in this. And as the first responder is saying, you have a right to put your thoughts and feelings up, and to respect that you're battle weary yourself.

I suppose what I'm suggesting is that you give yourself some time to recover from the stress and the feeling of urgency, to come back to the table at a later date to assess your true, unchanging feelings on the matter. Your wife most certainly understands the serious stress you feel at this point, it's just a matter of engaging her sympathy without invoking the idea of committed refusal.

I'm all over the place here, but just wanted to suggest that the dynamics of how you can reach a conclusion with your wife can be gentle and positive for you both. The best of luck to you both.

LCD

Hey,

In a somewhat similar situation ourselves. 3 failed IVFs & Mrs LCD is constantly bringing up fostering & adoption. Both options I don't want to go down the road of.

My brother fostered for a while & it didn't work for them. I`ve seen what it is like & I don't want to do it.

Adoption I looked into it a bit & it, to me, seemed like an arms race. If you throw enough money at it you will eventually have a child. That sickens me, the thought of having to buy a child.

Either option I just can't face the thoughts of more years waiting, filling in forms, Gardaí vetting, social services interviews, waiting, waiting, waiting. I just want to get on with our lives. Very much the same feelings as you have.

I don't think Mrs LCD will ever get over our situation, but I can't keep going through it. I had a heart attack after failed IVF number 2 that doctors put down to stress, no prizes for guessing the main source of stress.

I am worried about the future, will she start to resent me for never going down this route, will I resent her for never letting me make piece with this.

It's sh!t, plain & simple