friend now my manager has changed dynamic

73trix

I have been friendly with a girl for the last couple of years since I moved town. We re-established a friendship from eons ago and through mutual friends in my new job. I didn't know many people when I moved so was delighted as I got on v well with her yrs previous and she had often asked after me yrs after I left so it was quite easy to get friendly again. She would have been someone I was confident to call up to go to a gig/ play etc and she was v inclusive towards me if there was a night out with mutual work colleagues. So a nice social acquaintence I valued, who I would often text in between about a mutual interest but not a close/ good friend as such.

I changed jobs a few months back and she is now my line manager. I did wonder would this change things and I was hesitant in one way but was keen for the job and thought in a way, i couldn't turn down a job because of a "risk" to a friendship as a. I really wanted the job, b. she may not always be manager as people move jobs all the time and c. it might mot make any difference. As regards c., I have a good friend now who was colleague and friend first, became my manager, and it didn't change things. We have both since left that job and she remains a good friend.

Fast forward to now. I fear it has changed things unfortunately. Sometimes my texts about going to a show/ drink/ to call round are not responded to. She hasn't initiated any social meet up. We get on fine in work but tbh I don't hardly see her as we work in different locations so it's seldom face to face contact really. She is always v nice to me when we do meet in work. I don't sense any awkwardnesss at all in work but fear that she would prefer to not be socially acquainted outside work now due to boundaries. It's a real shame as we have lots in common and I do really like her company. I have found it quite hard to make new friends since I moved to this town so any one I have is precious to me as you need to have someone to do things with/ someone to be able to ring up and meet up with. I have several friends - that's never been an issue - but they do not live in the same town. So I guess, I assuming I should just let her go, she's a colleague now, not a friend outside work.

Now I regret not saying something at the start about how dynamic might change but whenever I have met her out, have always assured her that I would not be talking shop. I hate talking shop on a night out! But I guess, I wasn't really able to have that chat.

LegacyUser

73trix wrote: »

I have a good friend now who was colleague and friend first, became my manager, and it didn't change things.

I think that rather than being a precedent on which you should have based your decision, this is a more rare example of how a post-promotion dynamic goes and what you're experiencing now is actually the norm.

You appear to have made the choice that accepting the job carried a risk to the friendship and I would guess that she saw that the same way you've described it here, the job was more important. That being the case, you'll have to accept that she appears to be taking her cue from you and prioritising her job over the friendship, in addition to her own desire to (presumably) maintain work/life boundaries and allow herself professional detachment which will allow her to make appropriate management decisions as the need arises.

It's also possible she has some resentment, maybe even anger, perhaps a little sadness that you put your friendship in jeopardy, that the job was more important. She may be wishing you could go back to being friends, or she may be thinking that you've shown the friendship wasn't all that.

Whatever you choose to do about it, you'll have to accept that your decision to take the job is the starting point here, not her reaction. I think if any conversation about this issue is to be successful, it'll have to start there, you'll have to acknowledge that you started the change, not her.

73trix

Guessed wrote: »

I think that rather than being a precedent on which you should have based your decision, this is a more rare example of how a post-promotion dynamic goes and what you're experiencing now is actually the norm.

You appear to have made the choice that accepting the job carried a risk to the friendship and I would guess that she saw that the same way you've described it here, the job was more important. That being the case, you'll have to accept that she appears to be taking her cue from you and prioritising her job over the friendship, in addition to her own desire to (presumably) maintain work/life boundaries and allow herself professional detachment which will allow her to make appropriate management decisions as the need arises.

It's also possible she has some resentment, maybe even anger, perhaps a little sadness that you put your friendship in jeopardy, that the job was more important. She may be wishing you could go back to being friends, or she may be thinking that you've shown the friendship wasn't all that.

Whatever you choose to do about it, you'll have to accept that your decision to take the job is the starting point here, not her reaction. I think if any conversation about this issue is to be successful, it'll have to start there, you'll have to acknowledge that you started the change, not her.

I never thought of it like that at all. Do you think she's pissed of that I put her in that position? I guess that I was under the impression that she was still friendly with other staff that she's technically line manager to ie she would visit one of them regularly but they go back a long way. Either way, what was the friendship prior is no longer the case. That's obvious. Thanks for your opinion.

Ursus Horribilis

Years ago, there were jobs going where I work and one of my friends mentioned that she was thinking of applying. I was horrified but I didn't say anything to her. Thankfully she didn't apply for a job but I can still remember how much it bothered me. It might sound irrational to some people but I don't want to mix my personal and work lives too much. I've made a couple of friends through work who have gone on to meet my other friends so it's not as if there are strict demarcation lines. But if I'm honest, I wouldn't ever want someone I know from "outside" to become part of my working life. They mix like oil and water.

Since then, I've got promoted and I am now a manager. If my friend had got a job that time, I'd probably have been her manager. Now that would've been awkward. By necessity, you have to keep a certain amount of distance from the people you manage. You can't be going for coffee and drinks one day, then calling them into your office to have a word about their work the next. It just doesn't work.

From what I can see, you friend is trying to do the right thing here. My guess is that if you asked her, she would rather you hadn't taken the job. What's done is done though. All I can suggest is that you try to make other friends and see her as a friendly acquaintance rather than a friend now. Perhaps in the future your positions will change and the friendship can continue. For now though, it's better not to push it.

73trix

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Years ago, there were jobs going where I work and one of my friends mentioned that she was thinking of applying. I was horrified but I didn't say anything to her. Thankfully she didn't apply for a job but I can still remember how much it bothered me. It might sound irrational to some people but I don't want to mix my personal and work lives too much. I've made a couple of friends through work who have gone on to meet my other friends so it's not as if there are strict demarcation lines. But if I'm honest, I wouldn't ever want someone I know from "outside" to become part of my working life. They mix like oil and water.

Since then, I've got promoted and I am now a manager. If my friend had got a job that time, I'd probably have been her manager. Now that would've been awkward. By necessity, you have to keep a certain amount of distance from the people you manage. You can't be going for coffee and drinks one day, then calling them into your office to have a word about their work the next. It just doesn't work.

From what I can see, you friend is trying to do the right thing here. My guess is that if you asked her, she would rather you hadn't taken the job. What's done is done though. All I can suggest is that you try to make other friends and see her as a friendly acquaintance rather than a friend now. Perhaps in the future your positions will change and the friendship can continue. For now though, it's better not to push it.

You are absolutely right of course. Ideally I should not have taken the job if maintaining a friendship was the only issue but I had been in a job I hated for years and was desperate to change. And I know that jobs rarely come up. She would definitely get that cos she used to work in the same field as me and also moved when the opportunity arose. If I had held out another couple of yrs for the next expected vacancy in my line of work, I would have has exactly the same problem as another friend is the manager there! It's just too small a community unfortunately. If I was to make the same decision over again, I would do the same thing as the thought of being potentially stuck in my last job potentially for years doesn't bear thinking about. It's just a shame I've lost a friend out of it but I'm happier overall with slot less stress and better work life balance. Hopefully one of us moves on again in time and get friendly again.

LynnGrace

73trix wrote: »

You are absolutely right of course. Ideally I should not have taken the job if maintaining a friendship was the only issue but I had been in a job I hated for years and was desperate to change. And I know that jobs rarely come up. She would definitely get that cos she used to work in the same field as me and also moved when the opportunity arose. If I had held out another couple of yrs for the next expected vacancy in my line of work, I would have has exactly the same problem as another friend is the manager there! It's just too small a community unfortunately. If I was to make the same decision over again, I would do the same thing as the thought of being potentially stuck in my last job potentially for years doesn't bear thinking about. It's just a shame I've lost a friend out of it but I'm happier overall with slot less stress and better work life balance. Hopefully one of us moves on again in time and get friendly again.

I think you did the right thing in taking the job. All may not be lost on the friendship front. Maybe she is distancing herself a little but it's early days yet. Best of luck in the new role.

leggo

Since she's your friend, you can just text her asking if everything is okay as she's seemed a little distance lately. Don't mention work because that's a little line-blurring. You might get some insight that way and she might bring up the work thing if it is indeed the issue. But just because she's your boss doesn't mean you have to change your entire demeanour around her in all aspects, you can still ask her if there's something up in a personal sense by all means.

73trix

you are right. It might be a totally separate issue. I have since discovered that she is v friend with another lady we work with as in she would go over to hers for dinner etc. Now they probably go back a long way yet she is also her manager so no issues there!

Feck it maybe I've done something in work that's pissed her off. I'll ask her I think.

1jcdub

I think at this stage you should just move on. Of course be friendly without being awkward. There is more to life than worrying about what would have, could have, should have. As you go throughput life you'll loose and make new friends. Worrying doesn't serve any purpose. Onwards and upwards.

Ursus Horribilis

73trix wrote: »

you are right. It might be a totally separate issue. I have since discovered that she is v friend with another lady we work with as in she would go over to hers for dinner etc. Now they probably go back a long way yet she is also her manager so no issues there!

Yes but this lady who she manages is someone she befriended through work, not the other way around. It's a completely different dynamic then.

Feck it maybe I've done something in work that's pissed her off. I'll ask her I think.

Good luck with getting an answer! I see people sometimes suggesting that they ask a friend who's becoming distant is there a problem. I'd love to know if anyone has ever done this and got an answer that was helpful and got the friendship back on track.

It sounds a bit needy to me if I'm honest. But if you feel you want an answer got right ahead. You takes your chances. I'd be curious to know what she'll reply back with. I bet it'll be bullsh"t that'll leave you none the wiser.

73trix

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Yes but this lady who she manages is someone she befriended through work, not the other way around. It's a completely different dynamic then.



Good luck with getting an answer! I see people sometimes suggesting that they ask a friend who's becoming distant is there a problem. I'd love to know if anyone has ever done this and got an answer that was helpful and got the friendship back on track.

It sounds a bit needy to me if I'm honest. But if you feel you want an answer got right ahead. You takes your chances. I'd be curious to know what she'll reply back with. I bet it'll be bullsh"t that'll leave you none the wiser.

Haha. I most likely won't....but it will bug me nonetheless. If it is something about work, I would like to know so that I don't do it again! I'm not as convinced now that it's a boundary thing is she can be socialising outside work with another "supervisee".

Over and out, folks!