Don't find new girl attractive

LegacyUser

I've been seeing a girl for about 3 months now, I get on great with her but theres one problem. This is going to sound very shallow but its just how it is, but I don't think shes that good looking. There is a great sexual connection and sex is great but I don't look at her and think that she is really hot. I have always done this with previous girlfriends, but not this girl. But she is so much better than other girls in every other way. Somebody even remarked to me that she is a step down from my previous girlfriends which did hurt a lot.

Am i just being shallow and should I get over it? We're three months in now so things are starting to move fast and get serious.
Should i get over myself or is this likely to cause issues?

racso1975

Imageverificaion70 wrote: »

I've been seeing a girl for about 3 months now, I get on great with her but theres one problem. This is going to sound very shallow but its just how it is, but I don't think shes that good looking. There is a great sexual connection and sex is great but I don't look at her and think that she is really hot. I have always done this with previous girlfriends, but not this girl. But she is so much better than other girls in every other way. Somebody even remarked to me that she is a step down from my previous girlfriends which did hurt a lot.

Am i just being shallow and should I get over it? We're three months in now so things are starting to move fast and get serious.
Should i get over myself or is this likely to cause issues?

Why did it hurt? Was it your ego or was it the fact that somebody was taking badly about your girlfriend.

screamer

Why did you not reply to your friend and tell them exactly what you just wrote that your current girlfriend is better than all the previous ones and is a step up in fact??

If you are the type of person who is more interested in how things look on the outside then how long before your head is turned by a "hotter" person? And if that's the case there's no point persuing a relationship with someone who you almost seem a bit embarrassed to be seen with TBH. Don't string her along either step up and decide that looks are superficial and this person is more than skin deep or break up if you feel you need better looking arm candy.

baby and crumble

Imageverificaion70 wrote: »

I've been seeing a girl for about 3 months now, I get on great with her but theres one problem. This is going to sound very shallow but its just how it is, but I don't think shes that good looking. There is a great sexual connection and sex is great but I don't look at her and think that she is really hot.

This bit stood out to me. How can you have a great sexual connection, and great sex, with someone you don't find attractive? You must find her attractive in some way, OP. Maybe she's not conventionally good looking to other people, but that makes no odds if you like her, fancy her (again, there must be SOME attraction there or you wouldn't have found yourself in a 3 months sexual relationship with her!) and have great sex.

pookie82

Why on earth did you enter a relationship with someone you don't think is good looking in the first place, if it's something that bothers you? Were you friends first? Did you think the attraction would grow?

It's clearly an issue for you and given this girl can't alter the fact (it's not just an "annoying habit", you have a problem with the way she looks), you should probably let her go to find someone who thinks she's gorgeous. If stunner looks are more important to you you may have to sacrifice a matching personality but it sounds like the opinion of your mates/a passer by is more important than gelling with a girlfriend's personality. What age are you, out of interest?

To answer your question directly, yes, it's likely to cause issues. If it's evident this early on, when you should still be mad about the person, it will only grow unless you can manage to alter your outlook on a partner and what you want from them.

MeatTwoVeg

First off, the person who described her as a 'step down' should have been told quite firmly to fcuk off.

Secondly, I don't think it's possible to have a great sexual connection with someone you don't fancy. So I'm presuming you fancy her, but she's not conventionally beautiful?
Which would be fine, other than the fact you seem to be more concerned what other people will think about you not having a conventionally beautiful girlfriend.

If this is the case, you either need to get over yourself or break up with her and let her find someone else that will value and respect her.

LegacyUser

It's not shallow to be attracted to people based on their looks, it's a huge part of attraction, but it is pretty stupid and horrid to then go ahead and get into a relationship with someone you don't find attractive. It's also very immature of your friend to have passed that comment and it's just as immature of you to be affected by it to the point where you are considering the relationship rather than that friendship.

I think you have a straight choice here, grow up and realise what really matters in relationships, or let the girl go and find someone who values everything about her.

ted1

baby and crumble wrote: »

This bit stood out to me. How can you have a great sexual connection, and great sex, with someone you don't find attractive?

He's a guy.

baby and crumble

ted1 wrote: »

He's a guy.

Don't perpetuate stereotypes FFS.

ted1

baby and crumble wrote: »

Don't perpetuate stereotypes FFS.

Say what you want but from personal experiences and talking to my peers it's true.

Dixie Chick

What are you looking for people to advise you here? You like this guy but obviously not enough to get over that they aren't hot. So move on and don't waste his and your own time.
Relationships are hard enough to keep going and if looks are something that bother you then you should probably move on.

People can be very mean in their comments. That comment about a step down while horrible is probably considered "banter" but if you have people like that around you be careful not to fall into being with "hot" people just so they approve of you

LegacyUser

It is very possible to have great sex with someone you don't find particularly attractive actually. Weirdly it can make someone more confident because they're not self conscious because they don't fancy them that much, they won't be nervous and won't feel major pressure to impress them which takes away from sexual connection and pleasure, don't have fear of trying out stuff because the person doesn't feel they have much invested in the relationship anyway outside of bed. Sorry that may sound cold but I can bet a lot of men (and women) can attest to this.
To be honest it sounds like this is a FB situation for the OP. I think you should think your gf is beautiful. Ask yourself what is missing for you? You obviously liked the ego boost of others admiring your exes. This is likely not going to change. I think you should break up. Yes you're being shallow but no point in rationalising why you should stay in this if you simply aren't feeling it for her.

MeatTwoVeg

jh00001 wrote:

It is very possible to have great sex with someone you don't find particularly attractive actually. Weirdly it can make someone more confident because they're not self conscious because they don't fancy them that much,

I've never wound up in bed with someone I didn't find attractive, much less enter a relationship with them.
I can't even imagine how the circumstance would arise.

Having said that I'd probably be a bit more choosy than most blokes.

I think the OP needs to confirm exactly what he means when he says she's not attractive.

notsoyoungwan

MeatTwoVeg wrote: »

I've never wound up in bed with someone I didn't find attractive, much less enter a relationship with them.
I can't even imagine how the circumstance would arise.

I have. It was with someone I didn't fancy and didn't particularly even like as a person, not that I disliked him but was more indifferent to him. He was a work acquaintance. I ended up in bed with him cos I was drunk, horny and wanted a ride, basically. Turned out to be mind-blowingly great sex, for some of the reasons listed above- I didn't care what he thought of me so could be as uninhibited and as un-self-conscious as ever I was. He was obviously on the same page and we fell into what was a very successful FWB/FB arrangement for about a year.

ted1

MeatTwoVeg wrote: »

I've never wound up in bed with someone I didn't find attractive, much less enter a relationship with them.
I can't even imagine how the circumstance would arise.

Having said that I'd probably be a bit more choosy than most blokes.

I think the OP needs to confirm exactly what he means when he says she's not attractive.

I know plenty of people that have, that's generally what FWB or FB are.

MeatTwoVeg

ted1 wrote:

I know plenty of people that have, that's generally what FWB or FB are.

Surely they'd still have to be attracted to each other?
Why would you want to have sex with someone who isn't attractive to you?
Surely that's the whole point of sexual attraction.

ted1

MeatTwoVeg wrote: »

Surely they'd still have to be attracted to each other?
Why would you want to have sex with someone who isn't attractive to you?
Surely that's the whole point of sexual attraction.

You might not be physically attracted, but there can be a chemical attraction, both parties could be very horny and just click.

Take very attractive girls going out with rich older ugly men. In that case they are attracted to their power.

Riskymove

MeatTwoVeg wrote: »

Surely they'd still have to be attracted to each other?
Why would you want to have sex with someone who isn't attractive to you?
Surely that's the whole point of sexual attraction.

In fairness I think the OP means he does not view his girlfriend as being "very good looking" or "hot"...his use of the word "attractive" is probably a bad choice........I don't think he means that he finds her ugly or isn't attracted to her.

Indeed I think He is obviously "attracted to her" given the rest of his story

Calypso Realm

MeatTwoVeg wrote: »

I've never wound up in bed with someone I didn't find attractive, much less enter a relationship with them.
I can't even imagine how the circumstance would arise..

Nor me! Heck I couldn't even imagine kissing someone I didn't find attractive, not to mention having sex with them on any level!

Emme

OP do the girl a favour and break up with her so she can find somebody who appreciates her properly. You clearly don't.

Yummymummy83

Riskymove wrote: »

Indeed I think He is obviously "attracted to her" given the rest of his story

The title of the thread is "Don't find new girl attractive". I don't think there is any question around this.

Like other said OP, cut her loose so she can find someone who does and don't waste any more of her time than you already have

Passtheremote

I think for most it's important to be "proud" of your gf or bf. An inner feeling that she's not attractive (to you that is, attraction is of course subjective) will inevitably lead to issues since you clearly aren't proud to be with her. You will probably really start to resent being with her, and she will feel it. I'd let her go and find someone you find attractive. And that's not shallow or horrible, it's quite ok to want to be with someone you find attractive.

Separately, it is totally possible to have sex with someone you don't find attractive. But to have a relationship when attraction is nonexistent or very limited seems a bit silly.

Katgurl

Do her a favour and end it. She deserves better than some so-called bofriend who would tolerate his friend speaking so nastily about her.

Fwiw you do sound like uou're attracted to her, you're just so insecure in your own choices youve let your friend's spiteful (quite possible jealous) ruin things for you. Your loss frankly.

Sound Bite

Is there not a distinct difference between good looking and attractive?

There are two good looking guys in the office I work in. While I can appreciate they are physically gorgeous I don't find either attractive as in one is incredibly dull & the other is abnoxious. Whatever about something casual, I wouldn't consider a relationship with either.


Is it a case Op, that maybe you have always prioritised good looks over attraction in the past?

Calypso Realm

Passtheremote wrote: »

I think for most it's important to be "proud" of your gf or bf. An inner feeling that she's not attractive (to you that is, attraction is of course subjective) will inevitably lead to issues since you clearly aren't proud to be with her. .

Conpletely agree. Although it was a little nerve-wracking at such an early stage in our relationship, I remember how great it felt when my current boyfriend wanted me to meet his friends! I could tell he was really proud to show me off!

Conversely, a reluctance to doing this would have had the opposite effect!

The Wolverine

I'll be honest if you look at her this early and don't find her good looking you won't be even able to get it up going near her after 6 months when the hormones of excitement has evaporated

beks101

How have you ended up in a relationship with someone you don't find attractive? And why is your ego so wrapped up in dating someone "good-looking" that a flippant comment from your mate could upset you? How old are you OP?

1. Relationships are about more than dating the hottest girl in the room. That and the ego rush of it can only take you so far, as you should have learned by now given your string of good-looking exes.

2. Don't give this girl a complex. Don't make her feel inadequate and play the hot-and-cold game. If it's truly insurmountable once you've set your ego aside, call it a day. And stop having sex with her too when it's under the guise of a relationship your heart isn't in.

Airyfairy12

Are you very attractive yourself? Are you perfect? honestly men these days hold ridiculously high standards for women they expect women to be intelligent but not too much, funny but serious, not to fat, not to skinny but tiny waist, big T!ts and @ss, caring but not needy, sexy but not slutty, look like kim kardashian and be low maintenance.
I overheard a group of men not so long ago discussing a woman that one of them used to fancy until he discovered she had small boobs.
I seriously think that men dont actually realise that women are people and have flaws just like men, we're not manufactured and built in factories, sent out to suit and fulfill your needs.
If youre that shallow and if you allow your friends to talk badly of her then let her go so she can find someone that will respect her, you're wasting her time just because youre getting good sex.

retro:electro

I bet you found her attractive up until your mates criticised her and then your ego was bruised and now you're still somewhat attracted to her but don't want to be with someone who dents your ego.

nozipcode

ted1 wrote: »

Say what you want but from personal experiences and talking to my peers it's true.

Bull (IMO)... Ya the sex may be OK for a while (esp if after alcohol) but after a few months/years of looking at that person that you're not attracted to you'll find that the 'good sex' will disappear v quickly.

If you're really having good sex you are attracted to her. Or maybe the sex isnt as good as you think it is!

Moister than an Oyster

nozipcode wrote: »

Bull (IMO)... Ya the sex may be OK for a while (esp if after alcohol) but after a few months/years of looking at that person that you're not attracted to you'll find that the 'good sex' will disappear v quickly.

If you're really having good sex you are attracted to her. Or maybe the sex isnt as good as you think it is!

Or maybe your world view doesn't apply to everyone else.

ted1

nozipcode wrote: »

Bull (IMO)... Ya the sex may be OK for a while (esp if after alcohol) but after a few months/years of looking at that person that you're not attracted to you'll find that the 'good sex' will disappear v quickly.

If you're really having good sex you are attracted to her. Or maybe the sex isnt as good as you think it is!

Where did I ever say months/ years? Do you usually take things out of context


For the record my original reply was to this
******
This bit stood out to me. How can you have a great sexual connection, and great sex, with someone you don't find attractive?
*******

LegacyUser

ted1 wrote: »

Where did I ever say months/ years? Do you usually take things out of context


For the record my original reply was to this
******
This bit stood out to me. How can you have a great sexual connection, and great sex, with someone you don't find attractive?
*******

I don't understand why his person doesn't believe that a lot of people do this, just because he/she doesn't do it themselves! It's like they're personally offended, or worried not all the people they've slept with have actually fancied them or just used them.
People end up with people they don't fancy for so many reasons; loneliness, horniness, the comfort of guaranteed sex, not wanting to be single and have to go looking for it with a stranger, lack of other options, fear of rejection, fear of intimacy, fear of people not accepting who they are really attracted to, wanting security and companionship over passion, wanting a family and going for someone reliable, fear they'll never find anyone and they're running out of time, the list goes on. I'm not saying it's good/bad, it's just reality! In an ideal world people would be with their ideal partner but in reality people settle with people who they don't fancy all the time!
I'm not saying this is the case with the OP but it appears he really feels he can do better, so perhaps he should be honest and tell her he doesn't see a future and just be on his own for now.

Are you attracted to her at all?

Daisy78

To be honest you are best off breaking up with her. She deserves better. The fact that you gave any consideration to the mean spirited and shallow comment made by your friend speaks volumes, coming away from that conversation with hurt feelings rather than disgust on behalf of your girlfriend. If that friend insulted your choice of career or even for example your car would you even think twice about changing? Confident men (and women) are more assured about their decisions and don't change because somone else disagrees with that choice. The strange thing is you do seem to have a connection with this girl, but because she doesn't meet some arbitrary standard of beauty you are feeling resentful and hard done by. You are doing her no favours at all by staying with her. Let her find a guy who will be happy to have her in his life. Maybe one with nicer friends!!

Jenneke87

I feel sorry for your so called girlfriend, who is stuck with a man who thinks so little of her and judges her by her looks first and foremost. What were you going to do when time or perhaps an accident/illness takes away some of her beauty, dump her and move on to a better model? Let her find someone who thinks she's all that and more.....

professore

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Are you very attractive yourself? Are you perfect? honestly men these days hold ridiculously high standards for women they expect women to be intelligent but not too much, funny but serious, not to fat, not to skinny but tiny waist, big T!ts and @ss, caring but not needy, sexy but not slutty, look like kim kardashian and be low maintenance.
I overheard a group of men not so long ago discussing a woman that one of them used to fancy until he discovered she had small boobs.
I seriously think that men dont actually realise that women are people and have flaws just like men, we're not manufactured and built in factories, sent out to suit and fulfill your needs.
If youre that shallow and if you allow your friends to talk badly of her then let her go so she can find someone that will respect her, you're wasting her time just because youre getting good sex.

Women do this too. Most have a list a mile long.

professore

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Nor me! Heck I couldn't even imagine kissing someone I didn't find attractive, not to mention having sex with them on any level!

That's easy to say if you have your pick of people you find attractive ... but if you don't ... or you have a "type" and that "type" just isn't into you, while plenty of other "types" are that you don't find attractive? Do you stay eternally single?

professore

I think the girl is probably OK looking and the OP does find her attractive to some extent, but finds other girls hotter. I'm guessing he's young. I'm an older guy and I see now looks mean zero - in fact if I meet a good looking woman there is very often (not always) a horrible personality to balance out the looks. Give me a well adjusted non needy "plain" girl over some hot babe who has all sorts of mental issues.

I think the OP is more concerned about what others think of his girlfriend than what he thinks of her.

Rekop dog

professore wrote: »

- in fact if I meet a good looking woman there is very often (not always) a horrible personality to balance out the looks. Give me a well adjusted non needy "plain" girl over some hot babe who has all sorts of mental issues.

I'm guessing this is the line you go with to justify settling for someone less attractive but it's very far from the mark and quite insulting. If anything they're more confident/secure in general with less issues than those with body hang ups ect.

Airyfairy12

professore wrote: »

I think the girl is probably OK looking and the OP does find her attractive to some extent, but finds other girls hotter. I'm guessing he's young. I'm an older guy and I see now looks mean zero - in fact if I meet a good looking woman there is very often (not always) a horrible personality to balance out the looks. Give me a well adjusted non needy "plain" girl over some hot babe who has all sorts of mental issues.

I think the OP is more concerned about what others think of his girlfriend than what he thinks of her.

Just because the hot girls wearnt into you doesnt mean they have horrible personalities. Get over yourself, you sound like one of those men, the self professed 'nice guys' who whinge and moan that hot girls dont want them then proceed to bash women with misogynistic rants.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.