Back to square one?

LegacyUser

Me and my ex broke up almost six months ago. I was devastated after it finished but I cut contact immediately. The first month was depressing, I barely ate and I was on autopilot for the things I had to do, I mostly zoned out. I just couldn't believe he was gone from my life. It was only in September that I started to feel better and up to this Saturday gone, I was feeling quite good in myself and I felt like I was regaining my confidence again. I had accepted it was over.

However on Saturday I was in town and I saw my ex holding hands with a girl. There are no words to describe how I felt exactly, but my heart was in my mouth and I could feel my eyes beginning to sting and well up. I felt so panicked, I dodged into a shop and thankfully I don't think he saw me. But I was so shook up after, I thought I was going to get sick. And I know that sounds extreme but he was the last person I expected to meet, I presumed he had moved away all this time. In the past few months he's ceased to exist in my life. I asked my friends/ family not to bring him up in conversation and I haven't gone near any of his social media. And because of that it just hit me so hard. Seeing him with the new girl, she looked so happy. It hurt so much.

As with the title, I feel I'm back to square one. I spent Sunday in bed crying. I really thought I had made decent progress with everything. I never gave into any urges to contact him, even though I did miss him. I've done everything by the book. I accepted he was gone. But here I am and it's like none of the time passed has mattered at all. I don't know what to do, just continue on as I am I suppose. But the idea of him with her keeps replaying in my mind over and over again and I can't stop it. If I hadn't saw them, I never would have known and I would be fine.

Does anyone have any words of encouragement or advice? Was anyone else ever in a similar position? And if so, how long did it take for you to get back to being okay again? I feel the last six months didn't matter at all and now I'm in an even worse position than I was starting out. Sorry if this post is very negative, but any advice is much appreciated.

Thank you.

lifeandtimes

Rule of thumb is it takes half the length of the relationship to get completely over someone I.e if you went out for 2 years it will take a year however that may not been the same for everyone.

The only solid encouragement I can give you is it will take time but you will get over him,as each day comes you will think of him less and less until eventually you meet someone new or it doesn't pop into your head anymore.

The reason this hit you so hard was because you hadn't seen or heard of him in months and probably hadn't got the closure you needed.

Keep yourself busy,immerse yourself into work,books,friends...whatever you need to distract yourself and you'll be ok

racso1975

Hey there,

Firstly well done on all you have achieved so far! I am sure it was awful tough. Secondly you are so far away from square 1. It might not feel like it but you really are. I know seeing him with somebody else was tough but it was gonna happen at some stage and, while it does not seem like it now, it waw better then seeing him by himself as then you'd have a completely other head wrecking train of thought. This is like a nail in the coffin so to speak.

I am gonna hazard a guess here that you probably didnt want to break up as much as he did or were cetainly affected more.

Now this is the hard part and I am truly sorry. Thats life!! Our exs get new partners. Its not nice and might not be fair but unfortunately it happens.

What next? Accept it for what it is. A speed bump in your recovery so to speak. Carry on the way you were. And I know, trust me I do, its easy for me to say but you need to stop focusing on him/them and start thinking about you and your happiness cause this train of thought will not bring you any.

It is also worthwhile thinking of a coping strategy so to speak for when this happens again. Obviously it wont be as big a shock but you still want to be prepared.

Try to keep your head up op. As said above it takes time and that varies for everybody. If there was a cure for a broken heart there would be a very rich person out there.

pookie82

As heartbroken as you were when you broke up, and as much as perhaps you didn't want it, there must have been a reason ... can you remember what it was?

Did you guys fight a lot? Did he say the spark was gone? Did you want different things?

That's what you have to focus on ... the kernel of the issue. Why did you break up? Why did it stay that way?
It sounds like he has well and truly moved on and tbh, to him, it probably seems like you have too, because you did everything right (no contact).

This is a blip, and the grief after a relationship ends when you didn't want it to isn't linear, you will have good days and bad, ups and downs. But you're definitely over the worst now, if that's any consolation, i.e. knowing he's with someone else. That's probably the hardest thing to find out after a break up you didn't want; that they have well and truly moved on, and I feel for you that you had to see it in person (i.e. not just on instagram, but in real life, in front of you).

Ask yourself how much more time you're going to waste on him, and resolve to focus on your own life. Is there anything you've always wanted to do? Write a book, go on a dream holiday, start a blog? If so, pour your energies into that. Pour your energy into YOU.