Don't know where I stand

Flutterby90

Hi All

Just wondering if anyone could offer some advice on a situation I'm currently in. I met this guy on tinder around 6 months ago and I was quite fresh out of a relationship so not looking for anything serious. We both were very busy so it was about three months later when we actually met in person but we would text every day.

From the start it was a casual thing and we were just sleeping together and it was all fine. However I'm starting to see him in a different way and really like him as a person and I'm developing feelings for him. I didn't want to say anything as I was afraid it would freak him out and I had a feeling that he wouldn't feel the same way.

About two weeks ago I decided to tell him straight out that I had feelings for him and maybe we should stop seeing each other as I didn't think he would feel the same. He got quite defensive and was like why are you presuming that you know how I feel. I asked him did he see this going anywhere and he said he can't predict the future and is a person who lives from day to day. We had an argument today because I said I think we want different things and he said I'm thinking for him.

He did mention before that he thinks we're compatible but that I seem unsure but he never bought it up again. I do suffer from low self-esteem so I have a tendency to think the worst and this is where a lot of insecurities are coming from.

Am I a fool to think that anything will happen between us? Should I just cut ties now? I just feel like I'm there until someone better comes along. He never wants to bring me out on dates etc.

If anyone has been in a similar situation before advice would be greatly appreciated.

njs030

When you told him you had feelings for him and wanted to end it did he say anything other than being defensive?

From what you've written it sounds like he has dodged the issue totally because he doesn't want anything more but knows that saying it will bring an end to the arrangement (which is what you told him). It doesn't sound like hes treating you very fairly or respectfully.

Unfortunately if he wanted something more he would have told you by now so I would say it's time to cut ties. Not wanting to go on dates says it all really....I think you know that though.

Merkin

You laid your cards on the table and rather than reassuring you and reciprocating what you said he got defensive which I don't think bodes well. I'd be preparing to walk away, especially when your feelings risk getting really hurt if you get in much deeper.

cailin.

It sounds like he is avoiding the conversation because ultimately he knows if he doesn't reciprocate your feelings the arrangement you have will end. Guys like this will drain your energy and never commit in the way you want them to. The fact he doesn't bring you on dates is the biggest red flag for me.

You deserve so much better.

batmanrobin

OP, you do know where you stand with this guy. His getting defensive, saying he lives day to day (bull) are telling you he doesn't feel the same way.

It suits him right now to keep you muddled and unclear. He gets to keep having sex with you until HE has had enough.

Come now, you know, as every poster on here does, if this guy felt even remotely similar to what you are feeling, you wouldn't have had to start a thread on boards. Dump his ass.

Shinbin223

OP, if he felt the same as you he wouldn't have got defensive when you told him your feelings. If he had developed feelings for you surely he would have been relieved and delighted to hear you felt the same and the conversation would have been along the lines of "I have feelings for you too, Lets see where this goes". That would have been a lot easier to say than getting defensive over it.
Think about it: guy and girl in friends with benefits situation. Girl develops feelings. Tells the guy. If he feels the same why would he be defensive over it.

You deserve better. My advice is walk away and find someone who is delighted when you say you like them, not someone who wants to keep you on the long finger until the day he meets someone who he is happy to express his feelings for. At the moment I don't think you're that girl. You deserve better than someone like that.

LegacyUser

Situations like this 99% the time end up this way, this is the perfect arrangement for him, a girl who likes him enough to keep sleeping with him with no commitment, talk of feelings, nothing. Inevitably the girl develops feelings, and is left thinking what is going on. Why does he keep me in his life, he must like me/have feelings for me. But why hasn't he taken you on dates? Why has he not once told you he has any feelings for you? You know you deserve better.
Most will tell you to walk away but if you want any chance of anything happening, you've nothing to lose anyway, take back full control of your life, be far less available and *only* agree going on dates with him, at a time that only suits you, don't stay over, and you will know very soon whether he values you at all or not. It takes men a while to get emotionally involved, if you're too busy having sex how will he get to know you on any other level? Take sex off the agenda for a while and he has to make the decision whether he's going to make the effort or not. 3 months is not long, but it is very much the time now to decide to end this arrangement as it is. He doesn't have to be madly in love with you yet, but at least either become exclusive and do it properly, or call it quits.

Ursus Horribilis

You can learn a lot about a person's intentions from what they're not saying or doing. It's a hell of a lot harder to do this when you're bang in the middle of it and you're hoping that something will become of it. Like everyone else, I'm not seeing any signs that this guy sees you as anything other than a guaranteed roll in the hay. Sorry.

Big Bag of Chips

So he said you are thinking for him? Has he actually told you what he is thinking? If not, then of course you're going to start drawing your own conclusions. You have him the perfect opportunity when you said you were developing feelings for him, but felt he wasn't in the same place, for him to say "No, I feel the same" (if in fact he does)

I think the fact that you telling him how you felt led to a row is telling. Now, maybe he does like you and is just ham fisted about it. But to me he sounds a bit childish. And if this is how he reacts to the first "issue" in your relationship, it's a sign of things to come. I think you should straight out ask him if he wants to make the relationship official and become bf/gf. If he dodges that with his day-to-day talk then you know you are on different wave-lengths and a relationship is unlikely to succeed anyway.

Calypso Realm

Guys tend to know pretty much early on if someone is 'girlfriend' material or otherwise. While it's true guys tend to live in the moment, at this point he must know how he feels, or at the very least, know how he'd like things to progress, even if he's not quite there yet!

I think at this point I would say you're looking for a committed, serious relationship and since you don't think you two are on the same page, you think it's best to call it off! And MEAN it. How he responds will tell you all you need to know! If he truly doesn't want to risk losing you he'll step up.

Good Luck!

MeatTwoVeg

You got your answer OP, he doesn't want anything more with you than the current arrangement.

Airyfairy12

I wouldnt 'only agree to go on dates with him' as another poster suggested, if you do that he'll be only taking you out so he can get sex later, hes not taking you because he wants too and you'll still be left feeling used and hurt.

He got defensive and said what he did because he doesnt want your physical relationship to end, he can keep you guessing and play with your feelings to keep you interested enough to continue sleeping with him but he doesnt actually care about your feelings or what you want.

If a guy is really interested in a girl he makes sure she knows it. This guy just sounds like hes only interested in sleeping with you and nothing more. The fact that he'll manipulate you and play with your feelings so that he can continue to use you should tell you everything you need to know about him.

If it was me id be blocking his number and all social media so he cant get in touch. Its hard but it'll be harder in the long run after youve invested time, energy and emotions into him and the hopes of a relationship.