Dating and Kids

LegacyUser

After breaking up with my ex who is my daughters father a number of years ago I decided it was best to stay single and focus on her. In that time I had a couple of casual things but I really wasn't interested in pursuing anything more as I didn't want anything that might upset things in my daughters life.

However I met someone I liked over the summer and we started to date. we recently made it official and I introduced him to my daughter. He is very good to her and she really likes him.Now I am starting to doubt myself and wonder if I am doing the right thing. I can see that my daughter is getting attached and I am worried that if things don't work out she will be upset. She's already seen the relationship break down between me and her father and I feel she needs to see examples of happy functioning relationships in her life too.

I have my doubts about the relationship and feel I sometimes get hot and cold signals. I'm not sure if this is my own paranoia or a true reflection and he's not really that into it. I'm a big girl and even though I'd be heart broken, I know I'd get over it whatever happens but I am concerned about my daughter.

Is it better to cut ties now before she's more attached or do I try make it work???

Big Bag of Chips

I think you need to take your daughter out of the equation! This relationship is between you and this man. So you need to make your choices based on you. Whatever happens, whichever way it goes, your daughter will be ok if you handle it properly, and if she sees you are ok.

But ending a relationship because of what might happen if something else might happen is a pretty flimsy reason. If you are having doubts then you need to address those and see if they can be overcome. You need to discuss it with the man in question. Otherwise you will probably always avoid investing in a relationship in case something or other..

Make your own decision and your daughter will be happy. Lots of people who have children go on to have very happy relationships, get married etc. Sometimes new relationships break down but that is life too and we all deal with it as and when it happens.

Big Bag of Chips

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Whatever happens, whichever way it goes, your daughter will be ok if you handle it properly, and if she sees you are ok

Just have to back BBOC up on this ... single parent to a now 21-year-old and through the years our lives have changed, we've moved countries, people have come and gone ... but we've always been the touchstone in each others lives, that's what maintains balance and security.

SterlingArcher

unsure101 wrote: »

. I'm a big girl and even though I'd be heart broken, I know I'd get over it whatever happens but I am concerned about my daughter.

Don't pressure yourself. Roll with it.let the chips fall where they may. Someday your daughter will be a big girl too and will have to learn that sometimes relationships don't work out. Yeah it Sucks but its not the end of the world. by you not being afraid now. hopefully she will be just a strong in her future. .

leggo

I went out with a single mother who panicked and ended things for similar reasons to you OP. Afterwards my Mam, who was a single mother herself with me when she met my (technically step- but I consider him my...) Dad, made a very good point: you need to build the team first and test out if that dynamic works through all of the ups and downs a relationship goes through before worrying about the relationship with the kid. Because that person, if they're the one, is the person who'll still be there when the child is 18 and goes off on their adult life, because it doesn't matter a jot how good the relationship with the child is if the relationship between yourselves doesn't stand up to the test of time and because you almost have to go through the process of growing together and being ready to become parents together as a team then be like, "Here's one I prepared earlier!" (Apologies if that sounds insensitive, I don't mean it to be, but it's the only way I can think of putting it). Obviously he's not the parent but he'll have to have some kind of paternal role in the future if it goes the distance, so there's no point kidding yourself there either. I'm sure you get that and are judging him as such anyway.

Of course every situation is different and there's no right or wrong way to do it. It's not easy, you WILL make mistakes and misjudgements along the way. That's okay. Children are stronger than we give them credit for and can deal with that. So try not to overthink and plan for every eventuality, because you won't be able to, you will make some mistakes, and forgive yourself for that. It happens to everyone.

The important thing is that you care this much. That's a good sign! There are a lot who don't and put their kids through a lot as a result. You're clearly not one of those people. So recognise that and give yourself credit that, whatever happens (because you can never guarantee success with relationships), you'll do the right thing by them because you're a good parent, and they'll be okay. Then give yourself a break and enjoy what sounds like a good relationship! It's supposed to be fun!

Here's the kicker you also need to keep in mind though: remember that ex I told you about? Months later, she got back in touch. She basically said everything I'd tried to tell her at the time of the break-up, that she'd panicked, that she assumed things would be grand but she messed up, that she didn't appreciate what she had at the time and let her overthinking mess it up for her. But I was gone. Too much time had passed and she'd hurt me too much by letting me go to begin with, I wasn't going back. Now, as much as I'd like to think I'm amazing, I'm not arrogant enough to think she'll never find another like me, she'll be fine. But she could've had someone there and she let her doubts and insecurities get the better of her and mess it up. So there's that to keep in mind too. You have someone right now who you like and has a great relationship with your child, while that isn't the be-all, end-all of it, it should count for something and shouldn't be let go lightly.

leggo

I went out with a single mother who panicked and ended things for similar reasons to you OP. Afterwards my Mam, who was a single mother herself with me when she met my (technically step- but I consider him my...) Dad, made a very good point: you need to build the team first and test out if that dynamic works through all of the ups and downs a relationship goes through before worrying about the relationship with the kid. Because that person, if they're the one, is the person who'll still be there when the child is 18 and goes off on their adult life, because it doesn't matter a jot how good the relationship with the child is if the relationship between yourselves doesn't stand up to the test of time and because you almost have to go through the process of growing together and being ready to become parents together as a team then be like, "Here's one I prepared earlier!" (Apologies if that sounds insensitive, I don't mean it to be, but it's the only way I can think of putting it). Obviously he's not the parent but he'll have to have some kind of paternal role in the future if it goes the distance, so there's no point kidding yourself there either. I'm sure you get that and are judging him as such anyway.

Of course every situation is different and there's no right or wrong way to do it. It's not easy, you WILL make mistakes and misjudgements along the way. That's okay. Children are stronger than we give them credit for and can deal with that. So try not to overthink and plan for every eventuality, because you won't be able to, you will make some mistakes. Forgive yourself for that if it happens. It happens to everyone.

The important thing is that you care this much. That's a good sign! There are a lot who don't and put their kids through a lot as a result. You're clearly not one of those people. So recognise that and give yourself credit that, whatever happens (because you can never guarantee success with relationships), you'll do the right thing by them because you're a good parent and they'll be okay. Then give yourself a break and enjoy what sounds like a good relationship! It's supposed to be fun!

Here's the kicker you also need to keep in mind though: remember that ex I told you about? Months later, she got back in touch. She basically said everything I'd tried to tell her at the time of the break-up: that she'd panicked, that she assumed things would be grand but she messed up, that she didn't appreciate what she had at the time and let her overthinking mess it up for her. But I was gone. Too much time had passed and she'd hurt me too much by letting me go to begin with, I wasn't going back. Now, as much as I'd like to think I'm amazing, I'm not arrogant enough to think she'll never find another like me, she'll be fine. But she could've had someone there and she let her doubts and insecurities get the better of her and mess it up. So there's that to keep in mind too. You have someone right now who you like and has a great relationship with your child. While that isn't the be-all, end-all of it, it should count for something and shouldn't be let go lightly.

pants20

Hi op, I was in a similar situation with my partner when we started dating first. He had 2 daughters at the time , 11 and 12 . An awkward age at the best of times. My partner explained to me that he did not wish me to meet the girls until and if we are 2 years together. He said he never introduced any other lady to them . He didn't want to confuse or upset them. I was ok with that. I understood

tara73

OP, I think it is all about communication and if you have doubts, the only way to find out about his intentions is to ask him. Talk to this man, ask him if he's meaning it because you do. Also tell him you are a bit concerned about him being hot and cold. See from his reaction where he stands (and where you stand:))

power pants

Think it was far too soon to introduce your daughter to your boyfriend In my opinion