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Friend is dismissive and catty

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  • 07-11-2016 3:07pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I sent an email to a friend about the way she was treating me. She sent an email back telling me how immature I was for sending her an email. We met to talk about issues. Everything seemed to be ok (well as ok as things can be after an email spat). This happened a few months back. She has now decided to run down my job on Facebook. It's a job she wanted to do herself, but she decided not to go back to college because of lack of finances, fear (or both). To be honest, I'm sick of her jibes. We're not on solid ground yet, and her passive aggressive posts are wearing thin. You know the kind.....with a lol or smiley face at the end to make it look like she's only joking so I can't respond telling her to p*ss off, otherwise I'll look like the big bad one!
    We've been friends for years.....but there are often times I've wondered why we're friends to begin with! She likes to think that she's straight down the line when it comes to relationships, but I'm not seeing that 'straight-talking' side of her from where I'm standing. I feel she can be quite dismissive of me and my views at times, and if I do manage to speak my mind, drama ensues. Is this friendship worth holding onto? Has anyone ever continued a friendship like this successfully without losing their own mind! Tia


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    #2
    Calypso Realm
    Registered Users Posts: 416 ✭✭Calypso Realm


    whattodo2016 wrote: »
    Is this friendship worth holding onto?

    No!

    True friends don't behave in this manner.......`


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    #3
    SB_Part2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,951 ✭✭✭SB_Part2


    Why did you email her?

    I think the only way to salvage this friendship is to sit down face to face and sort it out but by the sound of it it might be too late for that.


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    The email was sent out of frustration and of course I know it's better to sort these things out face to face.....I said as much to her and apologised for sending the email, but I think it fell on deaf ears unfortunately. We did meet face to face after the email, and it seemed that we could start again. But since that meeting, I've had my doubts, due to certain things she has said and done. My eyes have been opened in a way, and I'm finding it difficult to trust her.

    Thank you Calypso Realm and SB_Part2 for your replies.


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    #5
    5rtytry56
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,828 ✭✭✭5rtytry56


    whattodo2016 wrote: »
    She has now decided to run down my job on Facebook. It's a job she wanted to do herself
    No.


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    #6
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,870 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    You know you can unfriend/hide her on Facebook so that you don't have to see what she posts? If things she posts are annoying you, and you feel they are aimed at you then continuing to look at them/for them is only adding to your annoyance. So don't look at them.

    Sometimes friendships run their course and it sounds like this one has. No shame in admitting that and relegating her to acquaintance. No point in dragging this out for both of you to just continue being a source of irritation for each other. Things have changed. They're unlikely to go back to what they were, so stop trying for that. Accept the situation as it is now, and work with what you have.. a casual acquaintance, not a close friend who you are interested in and who is interested in you.


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks again for the replies. I think it's because we've been friends for so long I'm finding it hard to cut her off. I know I need to do it for my own sanity, but we've a lot of shared history. I also feel foolish for allowing her to be dismissive of me at times, I should have stood up to her long ago!


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    #8
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Do you not have any other friends? That is the only rational reason I can think of for your irrational behaviour. She might have been your friend at some stage way back when but she is certainly not that now. Put it this way - if you met someone a few weeks ago and they were catty, said spiteful things on Facebook, were dismissive of you and generally made you feel like crap - would you come crawling back to them?

    My advice to you is to cut all contact with her, unfriend and block her on Facebook and concentrate on your other friends if you have any. Or on making new ones. She's not the person you think she is.

    Oh, and if she was actually your friend you'd not need to be standing up to her. Seriously - you need to take a break from this situation to truly appreciate how warped your thinking is.


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    #9
    OCEANIC FIZZY POP NINE
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 161 ✭✭OCEANIC FIZZY POP NINE


    Block her and tell her to piss off to her face when you see her.


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    #10
    amtc
    Registered Users Posts: 2,490 ✭✭✭amtc


    I have a 'friend' who was my best friend in university. We went out every weekend when in twenties, joined stuff together, went on holidays in Greece. Kind of lost touch as she got a job where I worked but never told me and I was annoyed. I moved jobs a few months later. Following this another friend told me about comments she'd made behind my back, which were not nice. She was desperately unreliable. Left me waiting countless times for concerts, drinks etc.

    Anyway this year she contacted me on LinkedIn, we met up and went for dinner. Tbh I was curious as to why she contacted me. We had great memories and I really began to get feelings of being friends again but we were in totally different mindsets! She'd been through a marriage, moved to country, had five cats...I was still in Dublin, working, single. I still text her on her birthday and her me, with vague promises of getting together. She arranges a dinner every month but cancels every single time. But I was useful as a go out buddy when needed, not the best friend I thought I was. Hurt me at 20 something but not now.

    Sometimes it's better just move on...


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    #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    My friend's life and my life are quite similar now, previous to that we had been on different paths. In reality, we should have more in common now than we did in the past! It is a horrible feeling to suddenly realise how little an old friend thinks of you. I do think my trust in her is gone, and I really can't see a way of ever going back. Some friends are surprised by my lack of interest in meeting up with her (it was I who introduced her into a new circle of friends I had met), and seem to think we'll get back on track. Realistically, I now don't think that's going to happen unless she has a major personality change!


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    #12
    LynnGrace
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,347 ✭✭✭LynnGrace


    Whattodo2016 wrote: »
    Thanks again for the replies. I think it's because we've been friends for so long I'm finding it hard to cut her off. I know I need to do it for my own sanity, but we've a lot of shared history. I also feel foolish for allowing her to be dismissive of me at times, I should have stood up to her long ago!

    Sometimes it's hard to see someone's behaviour for what it is, when they are your 'friend'. So don't beat yourself up about not seeing it ; not standing up to her.
    Back away would be my advice. Sometimes friendships drift, sometimes they actually sour. It's hard, I know, but it does happen.

    Just reread what I have bolded above, and remind yourself that it needs to be done.
    All the best.


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    #13
    Calypso Realm
    Registered Users Posts: 416 ✭✭Calypso Realm


    LynnGrace wrote: »
    Sometimes it's hard to see someone's behaviour for what it is, when they are your 'friend'. So don't beat yourself up about not seeing it ; not standing up to her..

    This is SO true. It is all too easy to ignore what are essentially red flags all in the name of what is really only an illusion of 'friendship' . We tolerate bad behaviour we wouldn't otherwise put up with from other, newer acquaintances.

    Distance and time leads us to the inevitable objectivity and clarity...........


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    #14
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users Posts: 3,390 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    You sound like a couple of teenagers. Cut her out - problem solved. Or at the very least back away from her. you cant control other peoples behaviour you can only control your own.


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    #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I feel uncertain about my relationship with this old friend because the uncertainty is part of who I am. It doesn't make me a bad person, or a wonderful person. It's just who I am.

    Thank you Lynn Grace for your kind post. I have taken your thoughts of the situation on board.


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    #16
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    whattodo2016 wrote: »
    It is a horrible feeling to suddenly realise how little an old friend thinks of you. I do think my trust in her is gone, and I really can't see a way of ever going back. Some friends are surprised by my lack of interest in meeting up with her (it was I who introduced her into a new circle of friends I had met), and seem to think we'll get back on track. Realistically, I now don't think that's going to happen unless she has a major personality change!

    Now that complicates things. She's mixed in with your other friends.. The only thing I can suggest is that you're civil to her if you meet but don't seek her out to talk to. Your friends are now caught in the middle of the feud she has manufactured and you need to be careful you don't end up being left on the outside.


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    #17
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    In fairness to my friends, they're not taking sides which I very much appreciate! Keeps out the drama! They're just surprised that we're not getting on after being friends for so many years. When I meet up with those friends, we don't talk about the other friend at all now. Maybe some of them still talk to her, meet with her etc. I don't know because I don't ask. It's their business if they still want to be friends with her to be honest. I'm going to carry on meeting them regardless.

    Thanks for the helpful replies.


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    #18
    HS3
    Closed Accounts Posts: 405 ✭✭HS3


    OCEANIC FIZZY POP NINE wrote: »
    Block her and tell her to piss off to her face when you see her.


    I agree with this to a certain extent. Someone like this in your life can be like a poison. Whilst the social politics of it all may mean you have to see each other every now and again, social media means she's in your face every day.

    Her opinion is nothing but insulting. It should mean nothing to you. Cattiness is a childish playground. If you can't block her because of social awkwardness, learn to accept her opinion is worthless to you.


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