Mr nice guy

Decemberist0

Hello I've been on 3 first dates in the last year and that's as far as each one has gone. When they have given a reason why they won't go out with me it usually begins with you're a lovely guy but...I don't want a relationship,I like someone else etc.
I want to know how I can get out of the lovely guy zone because I believe I'm confident around girls, a little awkward if it's the first time we met and I know myself that I am nice, probably too nice. How can I stop being too nice because it's too hard for me to totally change my personality and I don't know where I'm going wrong
Thanks

Loveinapril

There is nothing wrong with you, these girls just didn't feel chemistry with you. Please don't blame the fact that you are "nice" or "lovely" on not getting further with these girls. They are the qualities that will get you the right girl for you.

There is no such thing as being too nice.

Ursus Horribilis

I wouldn't read too much into the "you're a lovely guy" comments either. It's a way of softening the blow and nothing more. Dating is a numbers game and a matter of luck anyway. Just as you're not going to fancy or have chemistry with every woman you meet, the same applies to women. It's disappointing of course that your dates never led to anything more but keep plugging away.

batmanrobin

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I wouldn't read too much into the "you're a lovely guy" comments either. It's a way of softening the blow and nothing more. Dating is a numbers game and a matter of luck anyway. Just as you're not going to fancy or have chemistry with every woman you meet, the same applies to women. It's disappointing of course that your dates never led to anything more but keep plugging away.

Pretty much this.

OP, they're not saying they don't want to go out with you because you're too nice, they don't want to go out with you because, as you said, they might be interested in someone else, they may not feel any chemistry for you etc.

Nothing to do with you being nice, they're just not feeling it. Such is life. Don't change for others. That would be a mistake. Can't speak for every woman, but I'd much rather date a man who is himself rather than a fake persona. Besides, people can pick up on that nonsense anyway.

Rekop dog

There will be someone out there who will like you for just who you are, but you may have to go through 5/10/20... rejections before that. Maybe you want to stay true to yourself and accept that but if you want to be more successful even with those you're not completely compatible with your probably better off doing the complete opposite of everything you do on dates. Be a bit more of a c*nt, try project that you are the prize and how she'd be lucky to have you, don't talk about boring stuff like family and work and let her know that if she stirs the conversation that way, be fun and different to her other 'nice' dates that she never gives a 2ND date to. Most women like to be challenged early in dating and anything that comes too easy to them tends to be a turn off.

SarahMollie

Hi OP,

I agree what whats been said above. Its perfectly normal for people to have to go through a vast number of dates in order to find someone they click with. Its not an indictment of you as a person - as UH said above, its a numbers game.

The only thing that I could say by means of advice is to ask you to examine the women you're asking out in the first place - do you have too much of a type? Are you ignoring signals that indicate that these women likely don't want relationships? Basically could you examine your own choices and consider that maybe theres a type you're going for thats causing this perceived lack of success?

Big Bag of Chips

You've been on 3 dates! There's thousands of potential gfs out there. The likelihood of meeting one person you really click with and want to continue a relationship with so early on is fairly slim. You'd want to be careful of settling, or having someone settle for you.

Dating these days is a strange game! Online dating and apps where you can 'dispose' of someone and pick someone else up fairly quickly leads to an attitude of 'next' if things don't spark immediately! It seems like the days of putting in a bit of effort and getting to know someone for a while are long gone. But you've only been out with 3 people. "You're a nice guy, but..." generally means, there's nothing actually wrong with you, I just can't see a relationship with you. And there's nothing wrong with that. You're not going to be compatible with everyone you meet.

As mentioned, same way as you're not going to be into every girl you meet on a daily basis, every girl is going to be into you, either!!

You're a nice fella. That's not a criticism!!

Potatoeman

You're not confident if you're awkward. Confident people are relaxed. Sounds like your forcing it and coming across too nice in a false way.

OCEANIC FIZZY POP NINE

Loveinapril wrote: »

There is no such thing as being too nice.

Yea their is. People will walk all over you. Treat you like sh1t quicker.

You'll be thinking at home why someone said or did something knowing it'd hurt ya and it's cuz you're to nice.

Thick, ignorance gets you further nowadays.

amtc

Two things

1. It's a timing thing. I had more men through my hands (not literally) in my 20s. One Valentine's Day I got five bouquets to work. The security guy died laughing. But I wasn't ready to go out with just one guy. Oh for those days again. One of them hung on as the nice guy....and guess what I was his best woman when he met a girl who actually did see him that way

2. Online dating, I'm convinced, contributes to a culture of 'the next one will be better'. Bit like market testing.

Idle Passerby

I've done the online dating thing myself. I did it when I was chronically single, quite lonely and willing to see anyone who was half decent as a potential love interest. Needless to say it didn't work and i didn't get any second dates.

I took some time out, started doing things I enjoy, started enjoying being single and raised my standards to the point that I could see the type of person I had been in some of the guys asking me out and they came across as sad and desperate to settle for any warm body willing to give them a hug. And it's powerfully unattractive.

I'm not saying your doing this, my point is, people who know what they want in a partner and are happy to spend time being single until they find that can smell someone whose just being nice in the hopes of someone/anyone being nice back to them. Nice isn't the problem, it's hoping nice is enough by itself to make a connection with someone.

DukeOfTheSharp

Being 'too nice' is never a problem, what is a problem is that these women agree to go on a date with you, and afterwards tell you they 'like somebody else'...at which point you should just turn and walk away. Those kind of people are frustrating to be around, as they tend to use other people as stopgaps in case the person they're most interested in doesn't reciprocate. It's annoying given that they're obviously uninterested yet waste their time and yours, and that's not ok. Take a step back and analyse the kind of women that say these things to you, and eventually there'll be a recognizable pattern to their attitudes. Once you've got that down, you can identify it faster in other potential dating situations, and move on accordingly.

Outside of that, just keep being yourself. Honestly there's nothing more you can do beyond keeping an eye out for tells that the person you're interested in isn't interested in you. Dating sucks, especially in Ireland. Best case scenario is that you strap in for many more disappointments until you eventually find someone you click with, but outside of that, there's not much else you can do.