Struggling to Settle in new City

LegacyUser

Hi Everyone,

About 8 months ago I got a new job in a city which required me to move to a new part of the country. At the time I was delighted after a long period waiting and searching I finally got a job, something to get me going. It also meant that at long last I could finally move away from home(middle of the countryside) where things just were not going well for me. I was living at home with no friends, no social life and things were going from bad to worse with my family. I barely talk to 2 of my siblings which made things very awkward at home.

When I started my new job however, things just went from bad to worse. Now, while dont get me wrong, the job has gone well so far, the people there are friendly enough for the most part and I feel that in general I have a good relationship with my workmates, the moving from home to a new place has not gone so well. My social life is still nil, and everyone here seems to live in there own bubble and are living there own lives. The city that I moved to is quite small which I feel (and Im open to correction) makes it slightly difficult to meet new people. It just feels like people are more settled into their ways as its their home and from my experience there are not too many people from other parts of the country that might want to mix if there new to the place. I just feel like its not working out socially wise and may have made a mistake in moving here at all. I have ended up going home most weekends (a 2 hour journey - 4 hours home and back) and I feel like it is beginning to take a toll on me at this stage. It also doesnt help that I struggle with shyness so I am not the best mixer to begin with.

I just feel overcome with a sense of disappointment and slightly depressed that plans, ideas I thought would happen just are not happening. I have made attempts to mix but somehow it always just doesnt happen, people pull out, cant make appointments etc and Im left to pull myself together. When you are shy you can also get very dishartened. I look around me all the time to see people and it just clicks for them, a phone call or text message and I just struggle. For me plans get cancelled at the 11th hour.

I just dont know where to turn to or who to turn to now. I feel alone. Its at times like this you feel it should be your family that you turn to for help but ironically its for this same reason that we dont really speak. It was made very clear to me a while back that I wasnt really wanted in their company which I both resent and lament. I feel its a pityful situation to be in but its where I am.

Etherway, while as I mentioned my job is going reasonably well, I feel miserable inside and I am struggling to meet new people in this city. It makes me feel worse when I hear of the plans my workmates are doing for the weekend, when all my plans amount to are 'Im going home for the weekend'. I dont feel like I can carry on like this for much longer. Would I be better off moving to a new place where I feel I might have a better chance of meeting people and leaving my job. I feel Im missing out terribly and its getting me down here. Is 9 months to a year long enough to give a chance to settle in? Should things be different for me now or should I be seeing some signs of something happening. I feel myself that I cant give it much more and certainly dont see any improvements coming in the short term.

Merkin

Not to be terse but how can you expect to expand your social circle if you are going home to your parents most weekends?

batmanrobin

OP, you said you made efforts to mix. What were these efforts? Who were they with? What are you interested in? Have you any hobbies?

When it comes to work, I don't mix with my colleagues. I like to keep my personal life and work separate. A lot of people can be like this, so it can be a bit more difficult to make friends from work.

You are right when you said everyone is just going around their own bubbles. People are busy with their own lives. You have to get busy with yours.

I would suggest you join a debating team or amateur drama group - something that forces you to be the focus of attention might help your shyness. It certainly helped mine.

Decide what your interests are and find a group that does those. Whether it's football, running etc.

You could move to a bigger city, but remember you'll be taking yourself with you. There's no magic fix for this. Wherever you go, you're going to have to put effort in and put yourself out there.

If people cancel on you try not to take it as a slight. Also, maybe reduce going home to once a month or something. You'll you less wrecked from it if nothing else.

StanleyOllie

I dont want to sound too harsh but your post comes across with a bit of a pity me attitude. People like to hang out with happy people. If you had a choice would you hang out with someone who is fun or someone who is negative.
You dont get on with family, you dont have friends, you dont know whether to stay in the new job. Its your life and you need to turn it round. I have to travel nearly 2 hours each day to work and then another 2 home and then deal with a bunch of kidd. So the weekend travel for you really shouldnt be so bad.
Go join some groups. Running club.. drama club as someone else said.. go onto meetup.com. See whats going in the area. Volunteer for something - charity... there are loads of ways to meet people.
You are young, you have it all ahead of you. Even thought it is difficult for you to put yourself out there it needs to be done so you can make the most of your life.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

Not to be terse but how can you expect to expand your social circle if you are going home to your parents most weekends?

Yes, I agree with you on that. It was my intention to stay at least some weekends. However, the house that I moved into at the start didnt work out. I had to move out. There was no way I would have stayed a weekend then but it meant I got off to a very bad start.

As regards going home, I do have to admit (regardless of my relationship with my siblings) I am a bit of a home bird for whatever reason (and I really dont know why). I do have a good relationship with my parents and maybe its the fact that after a long and stressful week I can communicate with them rather than staying in the city more than likely on my own.

In saying that if there was something going on I would stay however any plans I had fall by the wayside. id find it difficult to stay otherwise. (Maybe this is a stupid way to be but its how I feel and I cant shake it and its getting worse the longer Im here).

As of now I am stressing over it. It feels like no matter what I do it just doesnt work out. I just feel like I have given it too much time with no beneficial result. It was my intention to pursue my goals bit by bit. Do things over the week, get to know people and eventually spend more and more time there. I knew it wasnt going to be easy and it would take time but after approx 9 months, I havent clicked with anyone. It has been disappointing for me but being here now gives me a very unsettling feeling and that it may be time to move on.

LynnGrace

What interests / hobbies do you have? You don't need to answer, but just have a think about it.
Joining a class, club or group could get you started on mixing with others. I know it sounds trite but try to put aside thoughts like 'I'm shy' or 'I'm not a good mixer'. Everyone, in my opinion, has their own doubts and insecurities, and to be honest, most of us are more focused on our own worries than thinking of others, if that makes sense.
So try to look on that as a good thing. Others are not judging you as harshly as yourself or thinking 'oh X doesn't make an effort or is not a good mixer'.

Do you play any sport, or is there something you would like to learn to do? Start something, anything, just one thing to get yourself out and about. Even one evening a week. If you join a class, say hello and be friendly to others. Most people are sound, and having a shared interest will give you plenty to chat about.

Look positively at the work side of things, you said it's going well. So that's a good outcome. As pp said, don't rely on colleagues becoming friends. It may happen, it may not. But it's great that you find colleagues friendly.

I would say set yourself a target, say a year to eighteen months, in the new place and having made efforts to find interests outside work, review things then.
It can be quite an upheaval moving like that. I know that personally. But don't give up on making a success of it.

All the best.

Rubberchikken

i'd suggest thinking about what interests you have and see if there's a local group you could join. drama, badminton something where there's a chance to chat before or after or sometimes even during. it might be difficult to socialise with colleagues as a lot of people just want to head home and a lot of people have commutes that make staying around unattractive.

you say you're close to your family which is great. could any of them call for a weekend occasionally and give you the opportunity to sample the nightlife with them.

miamee

Would your parents not come to visit you in your new place occasionally instead of you always going to see them?

You asy you have given it 8 or 9 months but you haven't really given examples of anything you have DONE other than be there, going to work and heading off home at the weekends. Perhaps if your answeres for what you are doing at the weekend were a bit more open ended, people in work might invite you to join them at something? (Oh I'm going to take it easy this weekend, not much planned - yet!)
There is the p ossibility as someone mentioned to volunteer for a charity or at events - I've done lots of event smyself and they are usually great fun and you meet lots of unusual people tha tyou might not have met any other way. There is usually the same few faces at things (especially in a small city) and a bit of socialising afterwards so it's a good start.

Airyfairy12

I can relate to a lot of what youve said, its so hard to connect with people if youre not extroverted with high energy, what someone said about joining a drama group or debating team is a great idea, one I might try myself whenever I manage to get out of the countryside.

I wouldnt give up yet. So the people in work arent open to making new friendships, dont take it personally, they have their own busy lives and maybe assume that you do to so they dont make any extra effort to invlove you.

Would you consider joining some classes? Yoga? Pilates? anything that gets you out of the house and around people in a healthy environment, allot of people go to these classes on their own, its not really to meet people or make friends but you'll still get that social interaction outside of work and you'll feel great afterwards, its also a good way to expand your interests and hobbies.

CBT is great for shyness/social anxiety and depression... ive heard from people that it changed their life so maybe invest in a good therapist? I suffer from shyness/social anxiety and as soon as I manage to move to a town or city CBT sessions are first on my to-do list. Group therapy might be good too because you'll meet people that have similar problems to you and you can all work through them together, giving and receiving support. This is also great for improving social skills and helping to be more open and comfortable with people.

Since youre in a city there should be good volunteer opportunities, volunteers are usually much more open to connecting and building new friendships so maybe look into your local arts scene, local events that need volunteers to help set up.. Christmas fairs, festivals and markets will be starting soon, theyre always looking for people to help out.

I think you need to fill your spare time doing things you enjoy and building hobbies by yourself, theres nothing wrong with spending time alone and doing things without anyone, it doesnt make you weird or strange its good and very healthy to be your own best friend so dont stop yourself from doing anything.

If you were back home living out the country youd have no chance of changing anything. Trust me I know how hard it is living out there with no transport or social life, you spend so much time with nothing to do you get stuck in your ways and its harder to leave and adjust into the real world. Youre in a city now with every opportunity at your doorstep, you dont need other people or friends to do anything you can do things on your own just focus on yourself and working on your self esteem and shyness since it holds you back from living the life you want. I wouldnt give up yet, youve got far too many opportunities available to you. Dont focus on making friends, just make some nice acquaintances through work and other activities and see where they go.