Are some of us meant to spend our lives alone?

Domane

I got divorced this year from an abusive woman that I was married to for 20 years. She nearly destroyed me psychologically and emotionally tbh and it took a year of counselling to help me cope with her abuse. I came out of the divorce relatively well considering the nightmare that the whole family law process is as I got majority custody of my children.

While I was utterly faithful to my ex wife during our marriage, I started dating a colleague within a week of my divorce. We got on so well that I found it almost unbelievable. While I'm normally a very quiet guy who finds it hard to talk to people one on one, I could talk to this woman for hours and I mean like literally all night long until 6am. We talked and talked on the phone, went for long walks together, drove to meetings all over the country and never got bored or ran out of things to say. We started having sex on just the second date (I hadn't had sex in ten years up to that point) and it was so passionate compared to the cold sterile life I'd lived for so long. Everything seemed to be perfect and I lived to hear from her each day, to see her and to spend time with her. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't being needy here as we maintained a strict professional relationship in work but outside work, well it was like I'd gotten a slice of heaven. She said she felt the same and she was always asking when we could meet up.

So what's wrong? Well she is married. She said she didn't love him and was just with him for security as she has issues since her dad walked out on her when she was a kid. She said she never felt anything for any man the way she felt for me. She said she couldn't get me out of her head. She wanted to have a baby with me and get married. Then two weeks ago she told me out of the blue that she wasn't going to jump when I had simply asked her if she wanted to go to the cinema. Then she cut off all contact and didn't go to work. I texted her to see if she was ok and I got very cool responses. I texted her again after a week and she said she had been away with her husband for a break but she was "constantly thinking about me". At that point I got annoyed and asked her why she felt she needed to go away with him if she felt nothing for him? I said she was messing both her husband and me around and she then got very angry. She said that she doesn't need any man in her life. She said she still loves me and hopes we can be friends. I cut off all contact with her, blocked her on my phone, Facebook etc. However I still see her in work and I'm still in love with her. However I'm not going to make a fool of myself over this even though I don't know what I did wrong? I never pressured her or interfered with her "married life" but I feel like a discarded piece of trash right now.

So that's where I am. Back on my own feeling lonely as hell and wondering why I can't find someone to love and spend my life with. I'd gotten used to being on my own when I was with my exwife but after having a taste of being with someone who I thought loved me, I'm left aching for that phone call, the text, the meeting, the holding hands with someone who I can love and who'll love me back.

I really can't see the point of going through life feeling so alone and cold and empty inside. I've kids to look after, I have a job and a house but I need someone to share my life with. I'm sick to death of feeling so alone

daisybelle2008

Domane wrote: »

I came out of the divorce relatively well.

However I'm not going to make a fool of myself over this even though I don't know what I did wrong? I never pressured her or interfered with her "married life" but I feel like a discarded piece of trash right now.

I'm sick to death of feeling so alone

You never interfered with her married life?? Are you for real? You were having an affair with her, that's the highest level of interference possible. She's married, what part of that seemed like a Good idea?

Listen you jumped into a ridiculously complicated situation to fill a vacuum in your life. It was selfish and needy. Now you are throwing your toys out because she is not available to you as a single person. Get a handle on being emotionally self sufficient and how to look after yourself as a functional single person. Happiness is an inside job. You haven't learned how to rely on yourself and make healthy choices, both your relationships scream that out. Learn how to be happy single not someone else to fill the void.

Idle Passerby

Any married person having an affair is going to paint their marriage as a dead entity to their lover, it's textbook and to be taken with a considerable dose of salt.

She's obviously either had a crisis of conscience about the affair or been found out and is trying to fix her marriage, this is also textbook.

I think deep down you know you got swept up in an exciting rebound fling, why wouldn't you after so much loneliness in your marriage. But realistically this affair was never going to work out well as a fulfilling relationship, you must know that yourself.

meeeeh

Op,

You went from one dysfunctional relationship to another. You might want to give yourself some time and get less emotionally involved straight away. I don't think we are "meant" to be anything and we are most certainly not powerless in what choices we decide to make. I think your mistake was to dive deep into another relationship after years of loneliness. It's completely understandable but you could hardly pick a relationship with more baggage. So just try to forget it, give yourself some time and maybe date women who are single or already separated. A lot of people will never leave a almost non functioning marriage irrespective of what they promise you. It's not an easy step to make.

Witchie

OP, I am very sorry to hear that you had such a rough time of it and this really must feel like a major kick in the teeth.

Now you have to learn from this and try to move on again. You were able to survive your horrendous marriage and come out of it well so you will survive this heartbreak too. It may take time but you need to look at the positives here:

1. You are free from the shackles of your marriage and able to live and love again
2. You found someone relatively easy to move on with so that must mean that you are someone who is easy to love
3. You now know that you need to be more careful not to get caught up in other people's dramas and look for an uncomplicated situation.

Life for you should focus for a little while on stabilizing your home life with your kids as the divorce may have taken its toll on them, treat yourself well and learn to value time alone. You should take confidence from the fact that you were able to find love again and realise that this is still possible, with someone who is in the right circumstances for it to work.

The best of luck, but from what I can see, you have got this and will be fine.

Big Bag of Chips

Of course this relationship was wonderful, and exciting, and perfect...after your marriage any relationship would have been. But it wasn't a true relationship. It was exciting because it wasn't real. You say you were professional at all times in work.. that was because nobody could know you were together. And don't think you were 100% discrete. There's usually somebody who senses something!

I don't want to take from the long talks and the wonderful times you had with her, but the fact is, it was a side of her she wanted you to see. She was being dishonest with her husband, and as an extension she had to be dishonest with you too. She might have been telling the truth in what she told you, but she would have been dishonest with you in what she didn't tell you. It's the nature of having an affair and having to keep all the plates in the air.

You've had 2 bad relationships in a row. That doesn't mean you are destined to be alone. Your marriage ended, and your second relationship wasn't ever going to go anywhere. I assume if you have young children and were even talking about another one with this woman that you are young enough to have a lot of living to do yet. You can't take the set back of 2 dodgy relationships to mean you will never meet anyone again.

As a divorced father though you now need to be more selective about who you date and what it is you are looking for. Married woman are best avoided because ultimately they can never give you what you're looking for from them.

Dr Crayfish

There's an element of poor me in this post. You're not alone, you've two kids and you did well in the custody stakes. You've got a house and a job and two kids I'm sure you love dearly and vice versa. Even if you're never with a woman again it's way more than a lot of people will ever have, so cherish that. The whirlwind romance you had was exactly that.
There'll be plenty of time to date women etc in the future but if I were you I'd try and get my head in order for now, it will take a long time to process all that you've been through. So go easy for a while.

meeeeh

In fairness someone who spent years in abusive relationship has every right to feel hard done by the whole thing. And when you have supposedly good relationship after that and that falls apart, it is very easy to feel down over it and not as easy to see positives.