Do I Contact Social Services?

LegacyUser

I wrote about a relationship I was in on here before a few months back. Thanks to a lot of great advice I got I ended up walking away from a bad relationship and I've since moved on to seeing someone new where it's simple and brilliant and I couldn't be happier. It'll possibly going to go down as one of the best moves I made in my life.

There's just one thing that keeps bothering me especially in the past couple of weeks. I was listening to a podcast with someone talking about being with a drug user and the little signs that you don't pick up on and it reminded me a lot of my old relationship. And you know when you're away from someone and don't care as much how little things that you noticed start to make more sense? That's happened a lot. Stuff like possible cheating that...look whatever it's over now and I'm happy so who cares? But also the drug stuff.

My ex had a young child she was the sole carer of. Dad is in the UK with no involvement in the kid's life. During the relationship I got very close with the kid and was readying myself to be stepfather if needed and she saw it that way too and was kinda training me as such. You can't just switch off caring about a kid the way you do an ex though and a lot of stuff is still bothering me. At the time a few people mentioned contacting social services, it was even said in the thread I made here, and tipping them off and I shrugged it off. Part of me was making excuses for her still like I did when we were together and just not seeing things for how they were. Part of me was just glad to be out of that loop being honest, I'm not into drugs or any of that scene. But more people including the new girl has mentioned it and the further I am away from it all and I'm starting to feel like I've kinda just abandoned the kid in this horrible situation.

I'll give you some examples of what I mean:<SNIP - POTENTIALLY IDENTIFYING INFORMATION REMOVED>

The things that scare me though are:

1) I don't want to have anything to do with this girl or anyone around her anymore. I don't want to be involved in the drama or responsible for anything bad that could happen from it. Can I contact social services anonymously and remain anonymous? Will they believe me? How can they find out what I'm saying is true, do they have the power to look for evidence? I can give them quite a lot via pictures and texts and so on but some of the stuff like the recent coke usage and the comments about mothers killing themselves and their kids is my word against hers.

2) I don't love or even like this girl anymore but I don't want her to kill herself because of me either. She's quite good at lying and hiding all of this to outsiders and people she doesn't want to be complicit with them, but I worry about what'll happen if something drastic like this exposes what she's really like to people. Right now she's probably off making up lies about me to cover it all up, and again whatever I don't even care about that, but if something serious happened it could spark a massive reaction. And she has form there.

3) Will it make any actual difference? I don't want to cause this child any upset or strain if it won't ultimately help him more. The image of him bawling his eyes out not understanding what's going on while being taken from his family, and all because of me, plays through my head and breaks my heart.

Is there any way I can do something that makes his life better, doesn't lead to her doing something crazy and at the same time keeps me apart and free from being dragged into anything that does happen? Selfishly I confess I'd prefer if people could convince me 'it's not your place, leave it', but come on, look at the list I've just given.

Truth be told I'd love if she found someone that succeeded where I failed and made her cop on (for the kid's sake, she doesn't necessarily deserve it), someone who was great with the kid and cared for him as much as I did, and she learned her lesson and got a lucky escape while I moved on with my life continuing happily as it is. But I also know most people have to hit rock bottom before they can be pushed into copping on. She manages to be functional while still dangerous, and it scares me to think of what could happen with the kid if she did hit rock bottom given his secondary carer, her mam, has her own list of issues that she's passed along to her daughter. What do I do?

dudara

OP - I have made the decision to remove the examples you shared, as I feel they could be personally identifying for your ex-partner. Also, to be honest, it was a wall of dense text.

Loveinapril

Social services are not just going to take the child from the mother due to your suspicions. Is the child ar risk? If so, of what? Be clear. Does the mother have untreated mental health issues? Is she neglecting the child due to drug use? Is she struggling with coping? Does she have a network of support?
Upon recieving a report, social workers would make contact with her and conduct a lengthy assessment, clarifying what support, if any, does she need. Social services do not want to be involved in the removal of children (only Gardaí can do this). They want to keep the child safe and well by supporting the parent/s to do their job well and recieve all the help they need.

LegacyUser

Loveinapril wrote: »

Social services are not just going to take the child from the mother due to your suspicions. Is the child ar risk? If so, of what? Be clear. Does the mother have untreated mental health issues? Is she neglecting the child due to drug use? Is she struggling with coping? Does she have a network of support?
Upon recieving a report, social workers would make contact with her and conduct a lengthy assessment, clarifying what support, if any, does she need. Social services do not want to be involved in the removal of children (only Gardaí can do this). They want to keep the child safe and well by supporting the parent/s to do their job well and recieve all the help they need.

Thanks for the reply. See when you say 'at risk from what?' that's the thing. I don't know what could happen and that's what worries me. I'm no expert but SO many people from different avenues have said this to me now and they'd have only heard bits. I don't even know the full scale but I've probably seen more than most. I gave stories and examples in the OP so maybe people could gauge but obviously they couldn't be said. But to speak in general terms without specifics: the kid has had to go to hospital a couple of times since I met her due to injuries that you could easily see being caused by neglect. I don't feel they get the emotional attention they need, especially when this person is hungover (regularly) or tired from work (i.e. 5-6 days a week! And the other day is a hangover day!) There are people I'd consider unsavoury constantly put around the child. She's said some VERY concerning things to me but that's my word against hers so she'll just deny if questioned and make out that I'm making stuff up.

But that's the thing: unless you're there witnessing it, you're dealing with a person who's used to lying, justifying and denying everything she does as necessary and who can appear to function quite highly until you scratch the surface (again I could give examples). This isn't a run of the mill junkie that you can just look at and say "ah yes I see it". She'd make a convincing argument the sky was green even if you were looking at it and swearing it was blue. When we were together she'd admit something quite concerning to me then deny ever saying it five minutes later when it comes to doing something about it, I used to call it her Jedi mind trick it's mental! You're dealing with an addict who's used to be an addict, who's a pro in covering her tracks and who's grown up around heavy addiction (people, note the plural, around her have died due to it) and learned off people who've covered their tracks successfully. It's all she's ever known so trying to say "but what about this?" is going to be met with a wall because she's no concept of what's 'normal' or 'proper', and if you let her control the narrative she'll just steer away from it and have you convinced you're crazy and dealing with the most caring mother ever. It's taken me months away from her to go "Wait...what the hell?" because I got used to the crazy and deflected from it or dumped every time I came too close to the sun.

Could I see the child having an accident and dying or suffering irreparable damage due to neglect? Yes absolutely, he's had a couple of close calls already. Could I see it growing up with serious issues? It's already happening. But how do you prove all of that to someone coming off the street?

Are HSE workers qualified, and I mean truly qualified not just on paper, to spot this stuff? Because if they're not then I'm just risking dragging myself back into the drama of it all.

tara73

sorry, but you still don't give any specifics about what's really happening to the child. specifics as for example:
-age of the child
-physical violence, if yes, how often
-neglect in what? i.e not getting food, being left alone, if yes, for how long?
- are drugs consumed in her presence and are they being left lying around so the kid could swallow them?
-you mentioned something about self harm threats from her and she threatening to harm the kid too. how concrete were they?

these are basic specifics which don't reveal any personal information and therefore not identifying your ex.
if you don't get any more concrete, it's hard for people here to give concrete advice I think.

This is heavy stuff and you deserve the highest respect for showing this responsibility to the poor kid. I really think there needs to be done something, I hope you get the help you need to help the poor child and hopefully the mother gets help too. And I also hope you can remain anonymous in this because, as you said, you don't need any contact with her.

Big Bag of Chips

There's no harm in contacting Tusla and asking their advice. Or the like of Barnardos. You're out of your depth. You don't know what's right or wrong or likely to be investigated. So speak to someone who does.

Loveinapril

It sounds like you are concerned about a veru real risk to the safety of the child, and that definitely warrants a child protection report. All the info is on the Tusla website. child protection social workers do this every day, they are well experienced in how to identify concerns. They would be unlikely to do one visit and call it a day. They would link in with the GP, hospital, childcare provider etc. about any concerns they may have too. You could do the report without giving your name but social workers would prefer you to identify yourself (you could just be a person with a vendetta). You can ask that your ex is not informed who made the report though. You won't actually be involved at all- once you make the report you will not be privvy to updates or anything. Tusla will take over at that point.

Gatling

Been honest your better off staying well clear of the situation it could easily be misconstrued that it's an Ex been vindictive .
And from experience dealing with Tulsa and social workers you will be very likely be told if there are no witnesses to your claims they won't get involved .
At best id report the person to the guards and leave it at that

Merkin

As a number of off-topic and identifying posts have been removed we've decided to close the thread. If a child is potentially at risk we don't feel a debate on the issue is useful.