"Giving in" to social anxiety

LegacyUser

I'm in my early forties and male. I've suffered from social anxiety most of my adult life but I suppose I wasn't really able to put a name on it until the internet came about. It's become worse in recent years, I don't know why. I am out of work at the moment which doesn't help.
When I did have jobs I always avoided social situations as much as I could. I never went to work parties and sometimes had lunch at my desk or if I ate it with my workmates I would politely excuse myself as soon as I had finished. I always felt inferior to them anyway, they had lived or were living much more interesting lives than me (no great achievement ha-ha).
I didn't go to my debs or my graduation, I've never had a birthday party or a girlfriend. I can recall countless situations where I have backed out of socialising, the list is endless, if I started listing them I could go on for pages and pages. To give you an example I shared a house with a French girl years ago. After she went back to France I added her as a Facebook friend and she messaged me a few years after, asking how I was getting on. I didn't reply, I just ignored it. I don't know why, she was really nice. It was a scummy thing to do, I felt terrible about it. I was in France at the Euros in the summer and she saw that on Facebook and posted a comment asking how long was I going to be in France for. I was scared s###less she was going to ask to meet me while I was over there so I told here I was only going in and out on the day for Ireland's matches (that was actually true). I went to France on my own but I met a friend of mine for two of the three games I was at. I talked away to people while I was there though, it was easy because I am into football. I don't know why that girl wanted to meet me again though as when we shared the house I was quiet and didn't talk a lot.
I know people have noticed I am not very social and they probably think I'm weird, so that makes me less likely to socialise with them as I say to myself "they think I'm weird,I'll feel uncomfortable in their company because of that so I won't hang out with them".
It's not that I don't like people, it's just that I can never think of anything interesting to say in their company (or enough interesting things to say in their company). I suffer a bit from restlessness, I find it impossible to sit down or stay in one place for a certain length of time, I want to be up and about doing things all the time. Staying in a pub or club for three or four hours chatting with people would be impossible. I don't watch much TV, I go to bed at ten o clock most nights as I get bored if I stay up any later. I like to get up early too so I stick to a regimented sleep pattern seven days a week. I have a few friends but I never make friends with people that have a higher social standing than me (better educated or have a better job). I've nothing against them, I just don't feel good enough for them.
Anyway I've just decided to accept it and not try to be someone I'm not. I don't like it really but it's just the way it is. Am I right or should I try to change?

Ursus Horribilis

Ah but if you were at peace with the way your life has gone, would you have started this thread?

Life is full of choices and nobody can force you to do anything. If someone notices a suspicious lump or their foot is turning gangrenous, they don't have to go to the doctor if they choose not to. Personally, I think life is for living and that you should make the best of it. But if you want to hide away, lonely, miserable and lying to yourself about it because you've found a label, then go ahead.

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Ah but if you were at peace with the way your life has gone, would you have started this thread?

Life is full of choices and nobody can force you to do anything. If someone notices a suspicious lump or their foot is turning gangrenous, they don't have to go to the doctor if they choose not to. Personally, I think life is for living and that you should make the best of it. But if you want to hide away, lonely, miserable and lying to yourself about it because you've found a label, then go ahead.

I wouldn't say I am miserable;I am happy enough but I suppose it is not considered normal to be the way I am. I believe socialising is a skill, some people are good at it, some people are not. If you are not good at something then don't do it, right? Or at least don't do it a lot. I am not a complete recluse, I do have some social outlets. I'm just not a social animal in the way others are;they have to be surrounded by people all the time, chatting and having the craic. I can't get into it anyway, I feel uncomfortable in those situations. One-on-one conversations a lot, if there is a group I could maybe stick it for a while.
There is a difference between being anti-social and being socially anxious.

Wanderer2010

OP, have you considered travelling? Its a great way to not only have something interesting to talk about (there are so many different cultures, sights, foods and ways of living out there that you could live to 100 and still never get tired of it), it also crucially forces you to fend for yourself and puts you in situations where you have to talk to other people and more often that not, you meet people who are just like you and have the same feelings hopes and fears that everyone has, plus it increases your confidence if you can strike up a chat, even just a short one, with others.

You would be surprised how much travel can change you. I went on a group travel trip to South America 2 years ago alone and I was absolutely terrified about coming across as a sad singleton, it turns out 5 other people were single and we all got chatting and had a great time and you realize you are well able to speak and connect with people. Yes, there are rude people, single or attached, everywhere but don't let that stop you. If you cant afford to leave Ireland, maybe try and see a few counties over the next few months and check out DiscoverIreland to see whats on offer. You are worth the effort OP, give it a go.

P.S Facebook is a total scam, don't buy into it. Nobody posts a pic of them eating chocs and watching Hollyoaks, they only show the best bits, We could all do that.

Fakediamond

Have you researched social anxiety? It's a specific condition, with definitive symptoms, such as increased heart rate, sweating, panic attacks. What you are describing sounds more like social awkwardness, or just not fitting into the "groove" that lots of Irish people enjoy, e.g the Pub!

Personally, I hate the pub scene and, just like you, don't engage well with crowds and am much better in smaller groups, or one-to-one social situations. But I've never considered that I have social anxiety, its just how I am. I have loads of interests where I meet people and there's no expectations that I will interact in a certain way.

There are loads of activities that you could engage in that might suit you better. I'd definitely join a walking club or something like that, great way to meet people and engage in conversation, without any pressure. Voluntary work is another great way to make friends, without the need to be great craic, a social butterfly or whatever. Someone mentioned travelling, also excellent for just getting out there and engaging with the world, on your own terms.

Don't be worrying about the status thing, that's your perception and is not necessarily a reality in social situations. Lots of people like a quiet person, gives them lots of space to talk about themselves!!

Rubberchikken

I think if you want change the first thing to change would be the feeling that ypu're less than anyone else (regardless of their accomplishments).

You've written a great opening post and are very anle to get your point across.
Have you got any help with the anxiety?
Also interests? Ypu say you like football. Is there any local league to join?
What about getting in touch with the french lady? It sounds like she liked you. People do like wuiet people:)

LegacyUser

I have read up quite a lot on the subject of SA and thankfully I don't have the physical symptoms such as blushing, sweating, panic attacks etc. It's more a mental discomfort.

Sound Bite

It's a vicious cycle and only you can change it.

You say you feel other people are living more interesting lives and have more to take about but yet you won't go anywhere new that would give you more to talk about.

Airyfairy12

Hi OP, I have social anxiety too, I know how debilitating it is and how those negative thoughts and feelings about yourself feed into every aspect of your social life. Its not as easy as just deciding to be more social, its a mental illness that only gets worse and more ingrained the longer it goes untreated until eventually you get so stuck in your ways it feels impossible to change things.
Do you know where the social anxiety came from? were you bullied in school? did you have a parent that was unkind? maybe an abusive sibling? The defeating thoughts in your head were put there by somebody who you couldnt stand up to and it usually happens when youre very young and vulnerable, have you gone to counselling? CBT is very effective for social anxiety and group therapy is supposed to be very helpful too, this will also improve your social skills and help you to be more comfortable and confident around people.
Not everybody with social anxiety gets panic attacks and sweaty palms, I used to get panic attacks all the time so I went to counselling to work through them but I still have social anxiety, like you I get the defeating thoughts which put me off socialising or being around people for a length of time... so not all social anxiety has to include freaking out and having heart palpitations, it sounds like you really have very low self esteem and its something you should work on through some sort of therapy.
It might feel like everyone is more interesting than you but thats not true, everyone has their own insecurities and feelings of inadequacy, youre not less than anybody. If you feel like your life is a little boring you can change that but do it for yourself rather than worrying about other peoples opinions and what they'll think, you can start small, set goals for yourself and start doing little things that youve always wanted to do like you say that people with higher qualifications/better educated are of a higher status than you... is getting a better education something you would like to do? You could start small with this like do a short online course in something that would interest you, from there do a part time diploma and then maybe progress to something higher if you wanted? Its never too late, when I went to college at 21 I was expecting to be older than most of my classmates, I thought theyd all be 17/18 straight out of school I was surprised to find that the majority of them were 35+ right up to their 60's, they had regretted not going to college when they were younger or they just wanted to study something they enjoyed so im sure youd be surrounded by people in similar situations to yourself. If college isnt for you then follow something else youve always had a bit of an interest in it can really boost your confidence and give you a feeling of accomplishment. Also setting small goals for yourself to put yourself outside your comfort zone can be very helpful like spending and extra 2 or 3 minutes with your workmates at lunch time, next week extend it to 6 minutes and slowly build this up over time. Its hard but the end results make it all worth it.

L.Jenkins

I too have social anxiety. I was bullied in secondary school, which depressed me, and left me lacking any desire to engage in social situations. Even when I attend family gatherings, I'd rather be at home doing my own thing. Sometimes I even find it tedious to post online, because constant interaction with others can frazzle me somewhat. It's not that I feel better or worse than others, I just feel it can become to exhausting for me at times.

When I was initially treated for Bipolar Disorder, Social Anxiety was also touched on. I was sent to a few sessions to learn coping mechanisms when interacting with others. So now I try to make more of an effort, but when I become overloaded, I prefer to revert back to being a recluse to recharge for a while.

I see football is a big thing for you, it's your primary interest and what could bring you out of your shell. I know plenty of people, including the ladies who love football. Don't give up on people just yet. Learn to take time for yourself to recharge and use football as a social outlet to meet new people. You could even meet your future girlfriend at such an event.

LegacyUser

I was bullied in school (both primary and secondary). My father wasn't very encouraging towards me when I was young either but that's no excuse for my situation as there are plenty of people out there who had unpleasant experiences when they were young and managed to overcome them and have successful and fulfilling lives.
Whenever people ask me to go somewhere like a work night out or something I always say no as I know they are only asking me out of sympathy. I can see it in their eyes. They know I am shy and it's nice of them to invite me but I don't really want to be there if they are only asking me to go because they fell sorry for me. What happens is I talk OK for the first hour or so but then I run out of things to say. I find talking for a long time exhausting and stressful.
I went to college a few years after my leaving cert and I thought that would boost my self esteem but I didn't get on as well as I thought I would and I was disappointed in myself. I got my degree but only got a 2:2. I am out of work at the moment which probably makes me less social. I am busy trying to get a job so I don't have a lot of time for socialising.
I suppose the worst thing is that when you reject people's company they automatically assume you don't like them but that's not the case with me. It's just hard to fight SA all the time, sometimes it's easier to just give in to it.

Ursus Horribilis

Do you want to change? It doesn't sound like you do.

Airyfairy12

thom_yolk wrote: »

I was bullied in school (both primary and secondary). My father wasn't very encouraging towards me when I was young either but that's no excuse for my situation as there are plenty of people out there who had unpleasant experiences when they were young and managed to overcome them and have successful and fulfilling lives.
Whenever people ask me to go somewhere like a work night out or something I always say no as I know they are only asking me out of sympathy. I can see it in their eyes. They know I am shy and it's nice of them to invite me but I don't really want to be there if they are only asking me to go because they fell sorry for me. What happens is I talk OK for the first hour or so but then I run out of things to say. I find talking for a long time exhausting and stressful.
I went to college a few years after my leaving cert and I thought that would boost my self esteem but I didn't get on as well as I thought I would and I was disappointed in myself. I got my degree but only got a 2:2. I am out of work at the moment which probably makes me less social. I am busy trying to get a job so I don't have a lot of time for socialising.
I suppose the worst thing is that when you reject people's company they automatically assume you don't like them but that's not the case with me. It's just hard to fight SA all the time, sometimes it's easier to just give in to it.

I have a 2.2 degree and im very proud of it, I struggled allot with social anxiety in college I had agoraphobia and severe panic attacks every day yet still managed to get the degree. Im sure you had your own set of problems while in college too and you still walked out with that piece of paper, dont belittle it, you put hard work into that and it paid off. No one can take your degree away from you, you should be proud of that accomplishment.
As for your workmates if they didnt like you or if they thought you were creepy or off putting or didnt like being in your company they wouldnt ask you to go out at all, if anything they just wouldnt bring it up around you, people put their own comfort first before anyone elses regardless of how 'sorry' they might feel... and I really doubt they do feel sorry for you, to me it sounds like theyre genuinely nice people that like your company and would like to get to know you and connect with you. I know it can feel uncomfortable when people are nice or show interest, I often find myself questioning their motives ..feeling like maybe theyre just talking to me out of pity or they think bad things of me when in fact thats really just all in my head, theyre only trying to be nice. It can be very difficult to trust people but listen to yourself, trust your gut about things and try to think differently, challenge those thoughts you have..like do you have any proof she was feeling sorry for you? you say you could see it in her eyes...is it possible that youve misinterpreted those signals? maybe she knew you were going to say no but asked anyway hoping you might say yes? or maybe she was just disappointed when you said no? she could have been thinking anything at all, You cant assume that you know what other people are thinking or feeling because really you dont know at all.

Please go have a chat with someone about your difficult past, I know its uncomfortable and feels awkward but eventually you'll get over those feelings and you'll be happy that you took that step.
These things take time, they can take years but it'll be worth it.

Nichololas

thom_yolk wrote: »

I wouldn't say I am miserable;I am happy enough but I suppose it is not considered normal to be the way I am. I believe socialising is a skill, some people are good at it, some people are not. If you are not good at something then don't do it, right? Or at least don't do it a lot. I am not a complete recluse, I do have some social outlets. I'm just not a social animal in the way others are;they have to be surrounded by people all the time, chatting and having the craic. I can't get into it anyway, I feel uncomfortable in those situations. One-on-one conversations a lot, if there is a group I could maybe stick it for a while.
There is a difference between being anti-social and being socially anxious.

If you're content to limit yourself to 'happy enough' then you've no need to change, but I don't think you would have made this thread otherwise. There is no 'normal' way to be, just the way you are, and being comfortable with it (saying this as a strongly introverted person who struggles with social anxiety too). Look at Donald Trump sure, he's an extreme narcissist with (probably) some form of personality disorder but it doesn't stop him applying for jobs he's not qualified for.

A skill by definition is something you can get better at it. Some people have natural aptitudes for some skills, and some are just more practised.

So put it this way; Everybody is swimming, but you didn't learn enough to be comfortable. You can endure some discomfort while learning, or you can sit on the beach and tell yourself you don't like getting wet. The thing about discomfort is that it goes away if you keep chipping away at it, but you need to put yourself in those uncomfortable situations to grow out of it.

thom_yolk wrote: »

Anyway I've just decided to accept it and not try to be someone I'm not. I don't like it really but it's just the way it is. Am I right or should I try to change?

I agree you should not try to be someone you're not, but you can change and grow into a happier version of yourself, if you work at it.

Nichololas

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LegacyUser

Yes I suppose I wouldn't have created the thread if I didn't want to change. It's easy to slip into an antisocial lifestyle almost by accident. Because I am not working I am more likely to stay in; if I was back at work I would probably be interacting with a group of people on a daily basis.
I haven't got specific help for my social anxiety because I never told my HSE doc about it. I am reluctant to tell too many people as I suppose I am afraid they won't like me as much then. I got to an Aware meeting weekly but I haven't told anyone there I am socially anxious. It's kind of like saying "I don't like people" (which isn't true of course).
I went to a professional for help with my lack of confidence a couple of years ago and she was good I must say. I am on medication for depression too. There is discomfort for me in putting myself in social situations .By nature people don't want to do things that are uncomfortable (I am no different). I will just have to move out of the comfort zone and suffer a little otherwise things will turn out really bad for me later in life.

c0deblu2th

Get a dog. It is a great way to meet people and make small talk. You don't have to go into your personal business and benefit greatly from the interaction.

A lot of local community services have free or cheap classes. I took up one that I would have protested to hate before. Although I am the puppy in the group with most being a lot older I live to hear their tales of their youth and have grown to love this hobby.

A lot of my anxiety stemmed from anticipation of what people thought of me when I spoke and inferiority like yours.

As I got older I realized I like my own company and have a few good friends but having the extra simple stuff is the cherry on the cake for me.

Best of luck

dd972

Just being quiet or an introvert is hard work in Ireland, it can get you labelled as a 'girl', 'pussy' or 'fa**ot' when internally you're actually nothing of the sort and probably have far bigger cojones than all the gob****es and posers giving it the 'big lad', most of whom hide in groups and packs from the cradle to the grave and haven't the balls to go it alone in any situation.

JuliusCaesar

Of course it is perfectly possible to change, and as a previous poster has said, you wouldn't have started this thread if you were happy with your life. Being socially anxious is nothing to do with not liking people, it's about the fear that they will find you boring (does everyone else say "interesting" things all the time?) or inadequate or not like you. And sometimes people with social anxiety develop a bit of a superior attitude as a kind of self-defence mechanism.

Look at the Social Anxiety Ireland website - 1 in 8 Irish people suffer from social anxiety. There is help available, and while it may be scary to come out of your comfort zone, the choice is yours. Do something to help yourself have the life you'd like to have - or stay as you are.

I don't want to frighten you, but it is NEVER too late.


Just think about how your life might be, free of this.

Airyfairy12

dd972 wrote: »

Just being quiet or an introvert is hard work in Ireland, it can get you labelled as a 'girl', 'pussy' or 'fa**ot' when internally you're actually nothing of the sort and probably have far bigger cojones than all the gob****es and posers giving it the 'big lad', most of whom hide in groups and packs from the cradle to the grave and haven't the balls to go it alone in any situation.

Whats wrong with being a girl? you dont need to bring misogyny and homophobia into it, are you suggesting girls and gay people are weak and dont have 'big cojones'? No wonder young girls still have complexes in this day and age when people like you still hold those outdated attitudes about them.

Its not just introversion its social anxiety, its a debilitating mental illness. Socially anxious or awkward people arent accepted in Ireland, theyre treated with contempt or like theyve got the plague, whether theyre male or female by almost everyone, I see people on facebook posting crap about accepting everyone, autism awareness, anti bullying, anti hate... yet they'll treat someone who's socially anxious, introverted, different or people with mental illnesses like theyre ****.

dd972

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Whats wrong with being a girl? you dont need to bring misogyny and homophobia into it, are you suggesting girls and gay people are weak and dont have 'big cojones'? No wonder young girls still have complexes in this day and age when people like you still hold those outdated attitudes about them.

Its not just introversion its social anxiety, its a debilitating mental illness. Socially anxious or awkward people arent accepted in Ireland, theyre treated with contempt or like theyve got the plague, whether theyre male or female by almost everyone, I see people on facebook posting crap about accepting everyone, autism awareness, anti bullying, anti hate... yet they'll treat someone who's socially anxious, introverted, different or people with mental illnesses like theyre ****.

I was referring to the sort of twats who bandy that stuff about, I've never held or espoused that type of opinion.

LegacyUser

dd972 wrote: »

I was referring to the sort of twats who bandy that stuff about, I've never held or espoused that type of opinion.

I think the poster took you up wrong. Yes I agree most people with any vestige of humanity in them would be sympathetic to someone like me and those that would not be sympathetic and label me something negative are not worth knowing anyway. To the poster who mentioned Social Anxiety Ireland; thanks for that, I actually sent them a mail asking them do they run group programmes near where I live but they only do them in Dublin. At the moment I go to a meeting every week for sufferers of depression and anxiety and I find that a great help and I've made some great friends there.

Nichololas

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Its not just introversion its social anxiety, its a debilitating mental illness. Socially anxious or awkward people arent accepted in Ireland, theyre treated with contempt or like theyve got the plague, whether theyre male or female by almost everyone, I see people on facebook posting crap about accepting everyone, autism awareness, anti bullying, anti hate... yet they'll treat someone who's socially anxious, introverted, different or people with mental illnesses like theyre ****.

With all due respect I don't think that's quite true, and does a disservice to a majority of people who react with care and empathy to people who are obviously socially anxious.

ongarboy

I believe a symptom for sufferers of social anxiety is that they can assume society is judging them harshly or potentially will do so, so they are possibly guilty of projection, accusing others of judging them when they, themselves may be unfairly judging others (kind of ironic). Most people are not that absorbed with anyone else as they have too much going on in their own world and dealing with their own more normal levels of anxiety that many suffer (paying the bills, kids doing well, health concerns, moving house, relationship ups and downs etc etc) that they will not be thinking about whether you blushed, contributed less to the conversation, fidgeted, did not make eye contact etc.

As the above poster said, the vast majority of people are decent and have empathy but I believe the fear of a social anxiety sufferer is that they fear the next person may be around the corner that will judge them or be cruel to them either in a work, social, group situation or even that they'll just be perceived in a poor light. I believe an early childhood trauma such as bullying is a significant factor in why adults suffer from social anxiety. Unless you overcome it, you still fear running into the next bully who will humiliate you, regardless of whether that will most likely never happen again.

JuliusCaesar

thom_yolk wrote: »

To the poster who mentioned Social Anxiety Ireland; thanks for that, I actually sent them a mail asking them do they run group programmes near where I live but they only do them in Dublin. At the moment I go to a meeting every week for sufferers of depression and anxiety and I find that a great help and I've made some great friends there.

You should be able to access similar services within your local mental health services, but you'll probably need a referral from your GP. A lot of mental health staff are trained in similar approaches as Social Anxiety Ireland use, and there may be a community service/day hospital that runs similar treatment groups for anxiety.

Hope this helps.