staying single after special needs son's issues, wanting to be in relationship

mushymoo

i have a 12 yr old son with autism and ADHD and am single parent since he was born. i cannot get much sitters or help so rarely go out on dates as often have to save sitter for a school meeting or talks or monthly support grp for parents meetings on special needs. so i have only met men for short one/two dates over the years and speaking online but they usually give up when i cannot pin down a night to meet. they do not do daytime dates mostly as they work.

i have campaigned for education and childcare and disability online at home to keep busy but it is very isolating. my friends cousins and siblings all now have partners or children and jobs so are busy and i feel i am in a different world to theirs. i would like to be a normal person with partner. i am 42.

i met someone early in the yr and seeing him now but that is about to change unfortunately. he was willing to wait for a date when i could get a sitter. when i had to move rented housing again in may i was ill with the stress and my son and i faced moving into sharing a bedroom with my elderly parents who would be unable for the stress of us all living together. although we had only been on 3 dates, he helped me pack, clean, box stuff, move, get moving company, unpack, clean, paint and do DIY on the new place the council finally found suited to us and his needs. i am relieved to have roof over our heads and since may have been recovering slowly from the health issues. from jun to aug was settling in and thing were ok with everything, i got active with my son and my son and i had a few days west in a hotel with my family at the end and he had summercamp and activities. but since school began my son has again found it tough and it is very hard. if it wasn't for this man coming to help out 3 nights a week i would have found keeping the house run and thing going very hard. he assists in getting him ready in the mornings as it takes two. his behaviours are extremely challenging. he has been aggressive and i have also thrown things and cried and walked away to cool down. the needs are relentless and exhausting. he is shouting abuse and has regressed with his autism recently despite medication etc. i had to ring this man to help me calm down and cope the week my son was home from school sick and refusing the medicine.

so as it stands i have depended on this man a lot to help me. it is easier knowing i can count down to the day when he visits to help.
it was invaluable during the house move as my family were so stressed they could only do a little and the services and health services refused to help. i have asked them to still and cannot get assistance, so i depend a little on weekends on him and he helped us through. the weekdays are tough, lonely, isolating and grinding me down. and gradually he has become a weekend visitor and helper of me with my son and the housework. i wish i was more balanced in our relationship but he has few friends or interests outside of work, his mum and me and my son so he is devoted to use when he is here.

although i find it helpful but i do not know how much of it is real love or getting dependent on his support. but i felt till now i have to continue or so i though until recently. we go on the rare date night on our own or sunday afternoon if one of the grannies takes my son. i find these respites invaluable as i feel like a semi normal person then going to the cinema or for a meal. this is will miss if our relationship ends. it may end this weekend.

he is willing to visit the house more than go out on dates. he has thus met my son and i had no other choice though i waited a long time. i wish to have a partner to share the load but understand most men would not wish to take on a child as well and we come as a package deal. i try doing the odd course but very hard as he has extra needs, i read a lot on special needs and supports and interventions. i must learn a lot about his behaviours and perform therapies myself and he needs attention.

i wish i did not have to be isolated at home alone with him but to have had someone visit was some break. going to work and not having a partner at all would be better for me. i do not have the time or energy to parent and work and have a partner, all 3 would not be possible. but if work even 20 hrs a week was possible i could earn enough money to get off benefits, maybe provide for a pension when i am 65 as have nothing now and will be alone.

i have tried many times but this has proved impossible. i have made efforts to do so over the years and still do but have reached the end of this practically speaking as have no recent experience anymore. i have been forced through no childcare affordable to stay on benefits after childbirth as family were not available and rents/childcare equalled the entire salary for one person. so i lived in housing rented places and used savings up till last year to rent 4 different places, as rents increases and supports decreased the gap closed and have no savings left. i stayed single and had no more children and tried to upskill in the year he was 4/5yrs old. he has been moved into special class sine he was 7, he left at 6 and half and was home with me and i had started part time work the yr he started school but forced to leave the january as he was kicked out of mainstream, he has since 2011 transitioned from 2hrs a day then 3 and half into a full day and then into mainstream the past 2yrs but with great difficulties. i have done volunteering and private work last year and tried for part time jobs. but they asked why i left 5 yrs ago and i have o childminder. i had one for expensive one on one care, to volunteer or attend a afternoon appointment or hospitals appointments for myself for yrs but she left. and clearly employers would not want someone who has a child with needs. i would not tell them but would have to have backup childcare for when he is refusing to go to school, meetings with staff, holidays, sick days etc.else i would have to leave again.

instead i am forced into contemplating letting this man move in and he offered to let me work and he would mind my son and take early retirement at 50 next year. i said no recently my sons needs worsened and he is clearly unhappy about this man coming to visit. i talked to him and he said he does not want him here wants just me and him and promises not to be aggressive or abusive but i find it hard to believe it will all stop if i end the relationship this weekend. he has been so angry the doctor sees no hope but anti psychotics. my parents are at wits end as they can only cope for a few hrs with him then they send him back to me when he is calmer but my mum has smacked him herself. my dad has shouted at him. i know i cannot cope entirely on my own and am feeling ill at the prospect of coping alone but what choices do i have?

Anne_cordelia

I'm sorry to read your post as it sounds very hard but you seem to be a great Mam. The man you are seeing sounds amazing. Do you love him? Do you want to be with him? It's not clear from your post.

Loveinapril

I am so sorry you are struggling this much. I can't imagine how lonely and isolated you feel.
Please re- read your post and focus on the language you use to describe your relationship. You refer to your boyfriend/ partner as 'this man' throughout. There is no affection for him as a person. The only needs you talk about him filling are practical ones. You speak about being 'forced to contemplate' him moving into your home. None of this would make me believe that you are in a happy, content adult relationship. It seems quite one sided if the guy is willing to mix up his whole life to take early retirement, move house and start caring for a child he knows a few months with additional needs. It seems like the relationship is moving (for him) at a quite unhealthy speed and you are just going along with it because it makes your life easier.

BetsyEllen

I get no sense of love for 'this man' and just get an impression that he is a help to you and a way of escaping your current situation.

If you really were in love with him then I would say you have to put yourself first here and tell your son that you are continuing with the relationship and your partner will be moving in, then work together to make it work as a family.

However, it doesn't look like you do love him and he would just be a live in carer for your son whilst you go out to work.

So for the man's sake, don't do it - he sounds lovely and doesn't deserve that.

I hope I don't sound harsh in what I say; I truly sympathise with your situation but I don't think that what you are contemplating doing is the right answer.
You sound like an amazing Mum by the way.

mushymoo

thank you for your comments. and yes i am thinking it is not fair on him if it is to make my life easier. i find working out my real feelings for him difficult. i need to do that. how do i seperate those feeling when it is all so mixed up intrinsically? as the water is so muddies with caring for my son and the limited time we find together. he is good to my son. he finds it difficult too i imagine but has been really patient with hi and we have sat and talked together, he has played games with him, been in park, gone to play basketball, bought him things a the local fair, been kind to him, ought treats, is getting his tablet fixed for him etc. i cannot fault him but he is losing patience also i fel. i needed to describe my sons needs and challenges better although i had been reluctant to introduce them to him it had to be done earlier that i had hoped. i reassured my son he is not moving in or taking his dads place or being a new dad or anything that he is only mums friend for now (my sons dad emigrated and remarried, only skypes irregularly, no support). i am not intending on moving him in as he only suggested it and i parked the idea and i said not now as there is so much happening but i did not shoot him down completely i just said i think it would not be the best thing to do. at present it is the decision to make about ending it entirely now and not seeing him at all anymore. my son has clearly stated he does not like him being around. he is a good man.

BetsyEllen

mushymoo wrote: »

i find working out my real feelings for him difficult. i need to do that. how do i seperate those feeling when it is all so mixed up intrinsically?

If you were in love with him, you'd know.

Loveinapril

Take your son out of it for the moment. Are you attracted to this man? Are you affectionate together? Does he make you laugh? Is he thoughtful and kind (to YOU, not your son)? When he is not around do you miss him (actually miss him and not just miss the help he gives)? This should very much be the honeymoon period for your relationship. Is it?
I feel like that would have come through in your post if you really did feel this way about him.
The fact that he is so invested in your family unit after such a short amount of time would raise red flags to me.

DoctorBoo

I have to agree with the previous poster. I find myself a little suspicious about this man's motives....
Why do your son dislike him so much? Does he tend to take a dislike to people?
Would it be correct to say that your son's behaviour has worsened since this man arrived into his life?

Ursus Horribilis

I'm another person who's uneasy about this man. I've seen quite a few threads here which started with a relationship that progressed way too fast, then crashed and burned. I'm looking at this and wondering is it another one of those. You're only seeing this man since the start of the year and already he's playing happy families with a vengeance, talking early retirement etc. I hate to use the word vulnerable because it's clear you are a strong person who's getting by under very trying circumstances. But I wonder did he hone in on you and your situation because you're under this pressure? Maybe I am doing the man a disservice and that he is genuinely a good egg. But I'd be cautious about going from the frying pan into the fire.

LegacyUser

I feel like you are describing me in a years time !
Yes, it is lonely, and yes, I too want a relationship....but it's clear that you really have no feelings for this man, other than he's helping you out, you seem to be more dependant on his help than anything else. Is he an actual carer ? does he plan on applying for the carer's allowance? because they will find every single reason to refuse it, and it is such a long process that it will probably make you even more sick.
Get your son the antipsychotics, and don't delay on that, and seriously, I don't mean to be harsh here, but you may have to consider residential care for your son.
I genuinely hope everything works out ok for you.

StanleyOllie

You have put your son first for his whole life and you sound like a wonderful committed mother. If you do like this man and his motives are all good then give the relationship a chance.
Your son wants you all to himself... which is understandable with his condition... but you also need to be your own person. Your son might not like it but he will adjust to the change. Totally committing your life to your son and only your son may lead to burn out. He will always be your priority and will always need you but a good relationship with someone who cares and also helps could be exactly what YOU need.

Yellow pack crisps

I wonder if the genders were reversed would there be this much suspicion! Maybe he see's that he missed out on children himself and sees this as something that gives him a family and is throwing himself into it for all he knows he is doing everything to help you as he obviously sees a future together? It's a tough life you have OP and I feel for you and the problem you probably have is not having the time or strength to sit down and evaluate your relationship with this guy but it's probably something you should do before it turns into way of life that doesn't make you happy or fulfill you.

Loveinapril

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

I wonder if the genders were reversed would there be this much suspicion!

Absolutely.

Anyone who, after 6 months in a 'relationship', talks about retiring early to move in and look after the child of their partner is not thinking rationally. I can understand lust and "let's move in together immediately" but this couple clearly aren't in love. There is no lusty honeymoon period driving this decision. It has been a hard slog where this man has become a bit of an unpaid carer. Regardless of gender, wanting to jump into this situation is unusual given that the OP isn't even sure if she wants to be in a relationship with him.

SeaBreezes

Your post seems to have many parts.
You explain your situation and the loneliness and isolation.
I understand it completely, as I too am a single parent of a child with Autism, my partner left us many years ago and moved away with no support.

I understand the lack of childcare and time to yourself. I know how it is to feel so alone and so tired of the 24x7 constantness of it.
God, how good it would be to have someone to lean on, someone to chat about it, someone to be in your corner.

But your son was not diagnosed until 7 years old? So is verbal and capable of mainstream?
Your sons behaviours have worsened, since this relationship?
Do you know why?
Surely moving this man into your house would just make things 1000% worse?
And your own time, that you get to yourself, would disappear.

Where is the rush? Why move this man in?
Why is he in such a hurry to move in?
Why do you feel his not moving in is a deal breaker for him?
Does he have any kids/nieces/nephews?
What does he work at that he can retire at 50?
How did ye meet and are you happy with him?

Honestly, he sounds extraordinary, and if that is the case, he will understand that you need to take things at your (and your sons) pace.
Rushing things will only alienate your son and could possibly make a hard situation much much worse.

What do you do, if you move this man in and your sons behaviours escalate?
Do you send your son away?
Would it drive this man away?
If you had to choose between them who would win? Hopefully your son.
For his sake, slow down. Theres no rush. Why cant you continue as you are for another 6 months?

Need company during the day? Volunteer at a thrift shop while your son is at school.
Want to study? Find an online course you can do while he is at school.

I took carers leave for 2 years, and believe me, when I was on social security, I was better off than I am now.
Your house is secure, you have a medical card. These will all disappear once your working again and any 'free' time you have will also.
Forget savings, between therapies, and mediacl appointments, they will disappear.

If your working and 'this man' is looking after your child, the moment you walk in the door, he will need a 'break'. Your life will become work and your son.

I would advise thinking long and hard before making any immediate changes. Only you know what will work best for you and your son, but make sure you know WHY your sons behaviours are worsening as well.
Best of luck OP, its a hard road, there are many of us on it. Your not alone, even if it feels like it sometimes.

Musketeer4

i reassured my son he is not moving in or taking his dads place or being a new dad or anything that he is only mums friend for now (my sons dad emigrated and remarried, only skypes irregularly, no support).

Was just going to ask about his father. What do you mean he gives no support? Does he even pay maintenance?