Worried I may have Irrevocably Destroyed a Friendship

LegacyUser

I am not looking for medical or any advice concerning any issue related to this topic other than a possibly destroyed friendship.

I am 22 years old, and recently went out with a group of friends of college, of whom I have been friends with for the past 4 years. I got drunker than I ever have, and tbh was an absolute and utter shameful mess. When the pub my friends and I were in closed, I dont recall how I started, but essentially I went a little psycho at a friend of mine. I don't remember everything, it's all a little hazy, but I do remember telling one of my friends absolute every single deepest darkest secret I have. I told her of the physical abuse I had in my childhood and teenage years, how I had been diagnosed with depression last year (I am no longer on meds as I thought maybe I was just making it up in my head, that I had convinced myself there was a problem when there really wasnt, but given what happened now I'm not too sure), and how I have an eating disorder (I have not been diagnosed but I believe I am at least at a pre-eating disorder stage if not full blown and have been for some months now) but of course in an incoherent drunken manner of course. I got sick and vomited in her toilet and stayed the night in her apartment-I was too unwell to go home and her apartment was near the pub. I even remember talking about her friend from home whom I have never met who had an eating disorder in her teen years. I think I made references to each and every aspect of my life, a big drunken pity party cry/psycho lash out of sorts. I remember her face, it was not shock, but a frown, throughout what I can only describe as an ordeal. I even criticized the "special snowflake" generation and called myself an attention seeker and I was only attention seeking, and even said that my sister who has been diagnosed on the autism spectrum as er diagnosis as being stupid, "shes just a bit different". I think a revealed a deeply hideous but previously camouflaged side of myself. It is a night I will regret for the rest of my life. I know I drank far too much, and will never drink as much again, in fact, I may possibly give up drink altogether, not that I can blame the alcohol for my mistakes, but it was a factor in my behaviour.

The following day I told her I remember nothing of the night, bar at one stage literally vomiting into her toilet. I have told her I do not want to be reminded of anything of the night, as being drunk you regret all the things you do and say normally, and that I know "I'm a rambler when I am drunk". This is evidently a lie, I just wish it hadnt happened so if she thinks I dont know what I said, we can pretend as if it never happened, as she thinks I dont know that she knows all these horrid secrets of mine. However I think given my above actions and psychotic manner that night, I have destroyed our friendship. How could she not want to distance herself from me after all that? How could she not want to never see me again. I apologised for "my drunken state", I bought her a notebook and nutella out of guilt, and offered to get her a hot chocolate or tea, to which she declined. I know this may be that she was genuinely busy, but I fear that my above apprehensions are true, how could you not want to stop being friends with such a petty, psycho, person. I probably even insulted her that night. I dont want her to know that I do remember what I said, this way it doesn't have to be a *thing* between us, we can go on as normal, sort of. But as I said I dont know if thats possible, I don't know how to apologise properly to her, or make up for what I said and did, or how to repair our friendship. It really is eating me up so badly. Ive destroyed our friendship, it was all too much for her Im sure, why would you want to associate yourself with someone like that?

I just want to repair our friendship, if I could go back and undo it all I would, but I can't.

Sound Bite

Ok, firstly try to relax, this is not the end of the world. You made a drunken fool of yourself but you didn't cause any major damage so try to keep it in context.

Not sure what you mean by going psycho at one of your friends means - is this the same or a separate incident?

I understand you are anxious having revealed things about yourself that you wish you hadn't but a true friend won't have an issue with that. They may not know what to say to you, but a true friend won't judge you.

I'm not going to lecture you about your drinking, depression and eating disorder but for your own sake, seek help in addressing them. You owe it to yourself to look after yourself.

santana75

Yeah as the previous poster said, calm down its not the end of the world. Whats the absolute worst case scenario here? That this girl no longer wants to be friends. Thats as bad as it can get and if thats the case then you'll be fine without her. Sure its a pity to lose a friend, if that happens, but you wont fall apart or anything.
But the real issue is that you let your defences down and you revealed who you really are. You were very vulnerable. Thats it. You havent commited a crime and you sure as hell havent done anything wrong. It took alcohol to get you to open up. Thats the only problem here. You felt like you couldnt be who you really are sober. Youre not a horrible person with horrible secrets. Youre human, like us all, youre a bit broken. Its what makes people attractive and lovable. Perfection and trying to be flawless does not make people attractive. Even though the media might tell you so, its a lie perpetuated to make money off peoples insecurities. You have an eating disorder, so your job is to not minimize that or fob it off. Go find a support group for ED and you will see that youre not any of the bad things you think you are. In fact being around others with similiar issues will help heal you. Theres a group that meets in marino tuesday eveings and saturday mornings. You can just turn up. Try it, i promise when you do you wont be worried in the slightest about this whole incident with this friend again. You'll forgive yourself because you havent done anything wrong or anything to be ashamed of.

beks101

GuiltyAnd Sad wrote: »

I think a revealed a deeply hideous but previously camouflaged side of myself.

You were wasted drunk my darling. No more, no less.

When I was a late teen/early 20s I found my "drunken" self to be similarly emotional and all over the place (as opposed to sleepy and useless now!) and it was because I had things going on in my inner life that I wasn't dealing with. Emotional struggles that I was bottling up in the sober light of day which came to the surface with a few vodkas in me. Would this be true for you too?

I think the main issue here is getting the help and support you need to deal with your depression and your eating distress before they affect your life even further. Is there a college counselling service you could visit? A trip to the GP is definitely in order to check up on what meds may work for you and to get a referral to a therapist.

We could all do with talking to a therapist at certain stages in our lives, and IME of similar struggles, they only start to improve when you look them in the eye and open up about what's causing your pain. It can literally be a weight off your shoulders. I talked and cried and talked and cried with a therapist for about six months when I was your age, and the raw honesty of it all made my problems less of a "secret" that needed to "escape" every time I was in an altered state. I learned to accept myself for all my imperfections and be OK with being vulnerable around those I love and trust. We're all entitled to live like that.

Your friend's opinion of you is not worth worrying about. A true friend will want to be there for you, will be concerned and worried as opposed to disgusted and judgemental. And we've all been there - she no doubt has her own embarrassing drunken stories to tell and she's probably just hoping that it was nonsensical drunken ranting on your part as opposed to hidden anguish - that's if she remembers at all.

Magicmatilda

So you told your friend that you have an eating disorder, have been physically abused and have been depressed. All true. There is nothing wrong with that. Friends are supposed to be there for each other, we are supposed to be able to be vulnerable with our friends. However you are entirely uncomfortable with your vulnerability and for that you should see a therapist.

I think where you did go wrong with your friend was that after telling her all this you completely removed any opportunity for her to help you, you shut her out. Imagine if someone you cared about told you all those things and then said "but you are never allowed to mention it". That was unfair, it shows you have no trust for her. You should speak to her and be honest (sober). Trust her to be a friend and be there for you to talk to. If she will not then she is not a friend. Better to know that know.

As someone said you are a little bit broken, many of us are, but you cannot start to heal until you can face the brokenness. this is where therapy come in.

By the by I don't see saying that people who are diagnosed on the autism spectrum are just a little bit different as a bad thing at all. I agree and there is nothing wrong with being a little bit different, I actually think it is a good thing.

Try and practice some self compassion.

5rtytry56

Beks101's post is the most accurate OP. Have more consideration in future, when drinking out - A good many establishment specify over 23's in their admission policies - please bear this in mind in future.

LegacyUser

It's also clear, OP, you need to lay off alcohol. Nobody needs it. Try some socialising with a clear head?

PressRun

I don't think you've done anything totally outlandish tbh. Yes, it feels embarrassing and you might feel like you've just heaped all this stuff on your friend, but I can tell you you're not the first and certainly won't be the last to do this. I think everyone knows at least one person who has had too much to drink and over-shared, and many of us have even been that person! It's not a terrible thing and if your friend really cares about you, I don't think she'll think less of you for telling her some secrets while drunk.

If anything, this might make you realise once and for all that you have issues that you need to sort through and confront head on anyway. Seeking help for that is probably the first step you should take.

Ursus Horribilis

I hope things have improved for you since. There is little you can do or say to change what happened. Quite simply, you gave your friend an awful lot to process. You showed her a side of your personality she'd never seen before and you laid bare an awful lot of skeletons. Give her time to tease it all out.

What you have learned from this, I hope, is that you need to go get help. Perhaps if the time is right, you could mention it to her. But only if you get back on track with her.