Date #3

FitzChivalry Farseer

Hi guys,

So I'm new to dating, unusual at the age of 33, but there ya go. Anyway dating "etiquette" is an entirely alien concept to me.

I've been on two dates with a guy I like (to clarify, I'm a woman). He asked me out the first time, after which there was a mutual agreement that there would be a second date the week after. I've a very busy schedule and am not too available.

The first date went very well. We bumped into each other socially two nights later and that went, ahem, very well too. Date #2 was last night. It wasn't great for many reasons, but I'd still like to see him again. I feel there's potential.

So I texted him this evening to ask if he'd like to do something next week, and I've received no response. Already in my own head I'm moving on! I'm so odd about the lack of response.

Am I being irrational? Is it perfectly reasonable to expect a timely response? All the silly "rules" on dating tell me that if a guy is into you, he will be make sure you know, he won't leave ya hangin' like.

Men? Are ye complicated?

Foresty

You only wrote this evening. Give him abit of time. Hell, if im not setting the alarm on my phone it could be tomorrow before I'll see a txt.

It's wednesday, what has you so busy that you're putting it off till next wk? I assume you've explained that to him but it reads abit off.

bee06

Do you expect him to be waiting by the phone for your text? There are tons of reasons why he hasn't text back yet and most of them have nothing to do with you.

LegacyUser

No they're not complicated. Well if they're not that interested, or are not in a place that they want a relationship (if they're just out of one, or for whatever reason) then yes they will appear complicated. But it comes down to same thing. If they're interested you'll know, if not you will be left guessing and it will appear 'complicated'. Don't invest emotionally until they've earned that place in your mind/emotions, through being consistent in contact, following through on dates etc. Don't care until at least a few months. That may sound a bit much but you've got to be mindful that in reality you don't know this person and whether they're genuine and interested in you or just after sex/something very casual etc, and anything else before you do know them is projection. Slow and steady is key if you want a lasting relationship.

Give it a bit more time for him to reply though and when you find yourself overthinking distract yourself. Going by your description of your second date it's not looking good. If no reply, move on.

FitzChivalry Farseer

Foresty wrote: »

You only wrote this evening. Give him abit of time. Hell, if im not setting the alarm on my phone it could be tomorrow before I'll see a txt.

It's wednesday, what has you so busy that you're putting it off till next wk? I assume you've explained that to him but it reads abit off.

I work nights, and I have a small child. He knows all this. Life is extremely busy 🙂

BetsyEllen

OP I'm 30 soon and also pretty new to the dating game - it's a head wreck isn't it!!
All feels like one big game to me, trying to guess the next 'correct' move.
So you have my sympathy :P

Anyway, I would give him another day at least.
He could be very busy as well.

As an example, if I was out last night and didn't get home until 11pm and saw a text then, I probably wouldn't reply in case I woke you (or your child).
I doubt I'd reply in the morning as I'd be getting ready for work etc.

I might reply at lunchtime if I had time but more than likely I'd wait until I got home so I could send a well thought out response with maybe a suggestion of where we go etc.

If you don't hear back before bedtime tonight though I would probably write this one off and not expect to hear back.
It is rude to not even get a reply but it happens unfortunately.

Lovely Bloke

What happened on the second date.

I gather you slept with him after bumping into him that night? No judgement call here on that at all, but was it the cause of awkwardness on the second date?

It seems pretty strange that you wouldn't go into detail on that, as it seems pretty important at this stage - the reason for the second date not going well could be the same reason for the lack of contact afterwards.

FitzChivalry Farseer

BetsyEllen wrote: »

OP I'm 30 soon and also pretty new to the dating game - it's a head wreck isn't it!!
All feels like one big game to me, trying to guess the next 'correct' move.
So you have my sympathy :P

Anyway, I would give him another day at least.
He could be very busy as well.
It


As an example, if I was out last night and didn't get home until 11pm and saw a text then, I probably wouldn't reply in case I woke you (or your child).
I doubt I'd reply in the morning as I'd be getting ready for work etc.

I might reply at lunchtime if I had time but more than likely I'd wait until I got home so I could send a well thought out response with maybe a suggestion of where we go etc.

If you don't hear back before bedtime tonight though I would probably write this one off and not expect to hear back.
It is rude to not even get a reply but it happens unfortunately.

It is quite the head wreck! I've had plenty of boyfriends in the past, flings etc. But I've never done the dating thing. From what I've been reading it's like a game of chess, waiting for one's opponent to make their move before you make yours. Not able!!!


Anyway he replied last night. As one of the posters said, he probably saw the text while setting his alarm. So all good.

I reckon I've got a lot to learn about the dating world! Pain in the ****

BetsyEllen

FitzChivalry Farseer wrote: »

It is quite the head wreck! I've had plenty of boyfriends in the past, flings etc. But I've never done the dating thing. From what I've been reading it's like a game of chess, waiting for one's opponent to make their move before you make yours. Not able!!!


Anyway he replied last night. As one of the posters said, he probably saw the text while setting his alarm. So all good.

I reckon I've got a lot to learn about the dating world! Pain in the ****

Ah that's good, did you arrange your 3rd date?

I know, all my previous relationships/flings have been from meeting someone on a night out and it just developing over a few weeks.
But all this arranging dates, not knowing where you stand with them, who should ask who out, it's a nightmare.

Hope it goes well for you, good luck

silverharp

just be natural OP, I gather there is a market for books which create these neurotic rules. I'd imagine if you are playing "chess" he hasn't a clue there is a game or he will think you are a phoney

FitzChivalry Farseer

silverharp wrote: »

just be natural OP, I gather there is a market for books which create these neurotic rules. I'd imagine if you are playing "chess" he hasn't a clue there is a game or he will think you are a phoney

You're bang on. There is definitely a certain neurotic attitude surrounding all this. It seems like people have been watching too much Sex & the City. Real life isn't that dramatic or complicated!

I'm not intentionally "playing chess". That goes against all my instincts. I'm just wondering if that's what people do! From what I've read here, it seems not. this is encouraging.

FitzChivalry Farseer

BetsyEllen wrote: »

Ah that's good, did you arrange your 3rd date?

I know, all my previous relationships/flings have been from meeting someone on a night out and it just developing over a few weeks.
But all this arranging dates, not knowing where you stand with them, who should ask who out, it's a nightmare.

Hope it goes well for you, good luck

Thanks BetsyEllen. We arranged to go on a date next week, not the details. I suspect he will present himself to me before then. He knows where I work. Watch this space...

I'm exactly the same as you. Have always met guys out or they've been introduced through a mutual friend. But I don't have the same social life now as I did when I was 23! And that's a very good thing!!!

FitzChivalry Farseer

BetsyEllen wrote: »

Ah that's good, did you arrange your 3rd date?

I know, all my previous relationships/flings have been from meeting someone on a night out and it just developing over a few weeks.
But all this arranging dates, not knowing where you stand with them, who should ask who out, it's a nightmare.

Hope it goes well for you, good luck

Thanks BetsyEllen. We arranged to go on a date next week, not the details. I suspect he will present himself to me before then. He knows where I work. Watch this space...

I'm exactly the same as you. Have always met guys out or they've been introduced through a mutual friend. But I don't have the same social life now as I did when I was 23! And that's a very good thing!!!

FitzChivalry Farseer

Lovely Bloke wrote: »

What happened on the second date.

I gather you slept with him after bumping into him that night? No judgement call here on that at all, but was it the cause of awkwardness on the second date?

It seems pretty strange that you wouldn't go into detail on that, as it seems pretty important at this stage - the reason for the second date not going well could be the same reason for the lack of contact afterwards.

Yes I slept with him that night. I'm fine with that. And it wasn't the reason for the awkwardness! It wasn't even too awkward.

For one reason or another we were both exhausted. I had just put down one of the busiest weekends of my life. No exaggeration. Work was the busiest it's ever been. He had been away for the weekend and was exhausted after it.

Last week, after the first date, we stayed up until 5 in the morning. He had work early so hadn't slept. I too had lots going on the next day. Then two nights later, we met and stayed up very very late too. Then there was the bank holiday weekend which was exhausting, both mentally & physically.

When it came to the second date we were both sooooo tired. It had been a crazy busy week with very little sleep and lots going on. He had come straight from work to dinner. Didn't even have the time to change clothes. Common sense would have been to reschedule the date. I can see that now.