Boyfriend and I have hit a bad patch

missindigo123

Hi all.

I am just looking for some advice.

My boyfriend and I have hit a rather bad patchm together seven years been happy until the last few months.

Starting from the begining of all the rows... i told him i didnt want a baby and he took it very very very bad. We rowed and rowed. We basically stopped being together and stopped talking and would just watch tv all the time. Then i found out that him and a girl in his work were flirting. She told him she had basically a sex dream about him and he later told her somethig similar. He met up with her and discussed our problems, she adviced we break up and then he did breakup with me. But we didnt actually break up we had a really long like three day talk. I said i did want a baby i was just freaking out and i was sorry i didnt allow him time to come to terms with what i had said and so on. And that i could try come to terms with her. He said he was going to give uo his job... he is trying too get a new one and has had interviews but no luck yet. I know they dont talk at all because he got in trouble in work for not inteacting anymore in the workplace.

We have been trying to work on it but we just keep ending up fighting. When i ask him for space he wont give me space and keeps pushing until we are having a full blown row. Last week i hsd an incredibly important interview and he came to buy a suit with me and wss so unenthusiastic and made me feel crap so i asked him to leave so i could just get it myself because i wanted to feel good for my interview... like biggest interview to date. But instead he chaded me down the street and then was texting me he was sorry but again, no space.

He still lives with his parents so we have no space. We were buying a house but be never actually saved money for it and instead was supposed to be paying our loan off whilst i saved but he didnt even do that. He earns at least 10k mlre than me and has no bills yet hadnt saved anything and never has any money. Im just so over having my life on pause. When do i stop giving him chances to get it together and grow up??

I should mention that he is a great person and normally goes out of his way to support me and i dont doubt he loves me but he is becoming clingy and its making me pull away even further. He comes from a weird family so can kinda understand the clingyness from time to time. He has no friends which is putting further pressure on us

batmanrobin

Do you want a baby? Be honest with yourself about that. Really honest!

I would also suggest you two rent together before you buy. Trust me, it doesn't matter how long you are with someone, you don't really see the whole person until you live together. Again, I would repeat do not buy without living together for at least a year first.

Can you two talk properly? Can you have a conversation without it turning into a big blow out?

You two have a lot of issues to work out. A calm, mature conversation is your first step.

LegacyUser

You say you've been trying to work on it but keep fighting, I'm guessing that you are finding it hard to forgive what happened with this girl as your boyfriend is looking for another job where he won't have to work with her.

I know so many people find betrayals like that to be so black and white but personally I can see how it can happen when people are in emotional turmoil in their personal lives.

Do you think you'll ever be able to forgive him fully for it? Do you throw it back in his face all the time? Obviously it's still fresh if this has just happened in the past few months but if you are to work then eventually there will come a point where you have to let go of it if you want to rebuild your relationship properly.

You said you were sorry you didnt allow him time to come to terms with what i had said, had you been dismissive at the time or what way did you act that made you feel like you owed him an apology? Is this something he can forgive you for?

In regards to saving for a house together had the 2 of you made a proper plan to do X and Y and then you found out later that he had just lied the whole time or was it something you had spoken about casually?

missindigo123

batmanrobin wrote: »

Do you want a baby? Be honest with yourself about that. Really honest!

I would also suggest you two rent together before you buy. Trust me, it doesn't matter how long you are with someone, you don't really see the whole person until you live together. Again, I would repeat do not buy without living together for at least a year first.

Can you two talk properly? Can you have a conversation without it turning into a big blow out?

You two have a lot of issues to work out. A calm, mature conversation is your first step.

Thank you so much for the reply.
I do want a baby i really do. I think thats why i freaked out so much because i really want it and im ready for it now.

We can have an adult conversation without a row but he isnt a great communicator which annoys me so that can cause a fight if he wont talk.

Definitely wont be buying for a while!

Thanks so much x

bp

Where will he live when this baby is born? Will you guys have a place by then. His debt is scary, you don't want to start a family with that. Also his ability to be good with money. You will be most likely earning less while on maternity leave so he would need to pick up the slack, could he support a whole family?

leggo

I believe it's Amazon that have a policy in place for staff that if you wouldn't hire them all over again today then get rid of them. In other words, people can become complacent in a job over time and it can change who they are as a person so that they're unrecognisable from the person you hired. Although not always applicable, I've learned that it can be a good way to look at relationships when they struggle to test if you still want to be with the person, to give you the fresh perspective you need. It takes the emotion and connection out of the equation and enables you to make an informed, intelligent (if sometimes tough) decision.

Over time when you're with someone you learn more and more about them. If you knew he was this person when you first met him, weighing it up would you still pick him to be the father of your children and the person you'd buy a house with?

I'm not suggesting or trying to lead you either way. From what you've written, it seems like both of you are as bad as each other at certain times. You admit you didn't give him space to come to terms with what you said, but later blamed him for not giving you space! You started a big row with him over not being enthusiastic enough about shopping for a suit with you! Then the break-up which isn't a break-up! It's a lot of drama...and you two clearly need to get on the same page when it comes to communication. I don't know if it's that you're ill-suited or you're both just a bit fed up with each other and meshing like oil on water, but if it means a lot to you both then sort out your communication problems ASAP.

JustAThought

Yet Another panic baby concieved to 'save' a relationship that is basically almost over - you will end up a single mother , in debt , with no house, no partner, no way of sustaining your career & all the poverty & problems & renting issues & 'homelessness' that go with that. This whole scenario is screaming red flags - do not have a baby to save this already dysfunctional relationship. You do not know this man - he has been lying about saving to buy a house (your stability and future), he has been lying about paying off a debt, a debt which he still has and will not or cannot save to pay off despite demanding that you take on the financial cost & 18 year costs & overheads of a baby ( who will pay the medical bills, for the pram/paraphanelia etc). How will ge oay this debt off with you not working & a baby to pay for - does he expect you to? You have never lived with him and so in fact still really have no idea what he is like as a person to have a proper grown up live in relationship with, & how he IS on a ling term day to day basis - is he lazy/ a TV drudge/does he pull his weight? What will the division of household bills, iorning & cleaning and basic long term compatibility be like - you have hopes but no actual idea how it will go. Lots of good relationships fail when people mive in as they get to see the non-party everyday side ( & real side) of their OH & understand what they are really like.
Having him put this kind of pressure on you is horrific and is the worst kind if emotional distress. What kind of a man is this. He might be good craic but he sounds like an unreliable - in fact untrustworthy - dishonest man who has no problems stooping to emotional blackmail to get what he might want ( a baby) with no track record of basic responsibility on the smaller big ticket issues ( financial/paying debt , oh and btw i'm saving for a house while in fact I'm blowing it all on myself or on booze/clothes/partying and lying to you whilst earning significantly more ).

The phrase people used use was Baby Trap - and this was usually in a struggling marriage - I cannot believe in 2016 that men are still bullying women into having a baby to prove they love them while the woman is guilted or emotionally manupulated into saying yes when NONE of the basics are there to provide the child with what the child needs - a stable eatablished home, with well adjusted parents who are happy with their relationship & have found a place within it for a child , and a couple who are solid and have proven to each other that they have the maturity and financial partnership and trust to look after this child for the next 18/25 years.

It seems your gut reaction is to scream no - and under pressure to eventually say maybe yes but you know its still not right - and you are right. Perhaps a few years down the road with the right set-up and the right stability and trust and in a solid happy comitted relationship you may choose to make this decision ar a time & in an environment thst is right both for you and for a defenceless baby - in terms of trust, stability, love, and being able to show financial trust & a long term loving happy proven stable family environment.

At present it sounds like the opposite of that with your live out non comitted lying BF who you don't even share or live with pressuring you to give up everything you have - freedom, career, independence , options - to have a baby he wants right now or he will leave you. It dosn't sound like a good basis for bringing a defenceless baby into the world this month and when things go wrong he will simply walk away and leave you even more trapped than you already are.

If I were you I would have a total break immediately - it is the worst type of emotionsal blackmail - you need space away from this pressure & manipulation and before your condims fail or have a 'tear' or your contraception goes missing.

Don't get trapped ir guilted into this - too many wonen are.

Ursus Horribilis

I got a headache reading down through this. Your relationship sounds like a sorry dysfunctional mess that needs to be put out of its misery. You are making a lot of excuses for this man and I suppose that is going to happen after 7 years. I don't know what it is you're looking for in a partner but this guy falls far short in many ways.

I think you're blanking out a lot of the bad things because you're committed to making things work. I would be very concerned at the way he handles things he doesn't like. He seems to like provoking you, not giving you space, fighting and generally making you feel like crap when he doesn't get his own way. That's not healthy - it's manipulation if you ask me. I'm not convinced you actually want a baby but have been badgered into it. After all, when this came up first, instead of discussing it like a mature adult he went bananas and flirted/cheated with a colleague.

Then there's the lies, the clinginess, the lack of other friends in his life, even his odd family background. I wouldn't be as quick to dismiss that as you appear to be. I don't think this relationship is going through a bad patch. It's the culmination of years of dysfunction and you should end it. Preferably before you have a kid with this jerk.

missindigo123

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I got a headache reading down through this. Your relationship sounds like a sorry dysfunctional mess that needs to be put out of its misery. You are making a lot of excuses for this man and I suppose that is going to happen after 7 years. I don't know what it is you're looking for in a partner but this guy falls far short in many ways.

I think you're blanking out a lot of the bad things because you're committed to making things work. I would be very concerned at the way he handles things he doesn't like. He seems to like provoking you, not giving you space, fighting and generally making you feel like crap when he doesn't get his own way. That's not healthy - it's manipulation if you ask me. I'm not convinced you actually want a baby but have been badgered into it. After all, when this came up first, instead of discussing it like a mature adult he went bananas and flirted/cheated with a colleague.

Then there's the lies, the clinginess, the lack of other friends in his life, even his odd family background. I wouldn't be as quick to dismiss that as you appear to be. I don't think this relationship is going through a bad patch. It's the culmination of years of dysfunction and you should end it. Preferably before you have a kid with this jerk.

Hi all.


Thanks for taking time to reply. The relationship has indeed ended. I had no intention of having a baby until we were in a better place and until i was ready. It certainly wasnt going to be happening tomorrow or even in the next year. I think the baby freak out was because i knew our relationship was over and its sadly taken me this long to face it.

Thanks all

missindigo123

JustAThought wrote: »

Yet Another panic baby concieved to 'save' a relationship that is basically almost over - you will end up a single mother , in debt , with no house, no partner, no way of sustaining your career & all the poverty & problems & renting issues & 'homelessness' that go with that. This whole scenario is screaming red flags - do not have a baby to save this already dysfunctional relationship. You do not know this man - he has been lying about saving to buy a house (your stability and future), he has been lying about paying off a debt, a debt which he still has and will not or cannot save to pay off despite demanding that you take on the financial cost & 18 year costs & overheads of a baby ( who will pay the medical bills, for the pram/paraphanelia etc). How will ge oay this debt off with you not working & a baby to pay for - does he expect you to? You have never lived with him and so in fact still really have no idea what he is like as a person to have a proper grown up live in relationship with, & how he IS on a ling term day to day basis - is he lazy/ a TV drudge/does he pull his weight? What will the division of household bills, iorning & cleaning and basic long term compatibility be like - you have hopes but no actual idea how it will go. Lots of good relationships fail when people mive in as they get to see the non-party everyday side ( & real side) of their OH & understand what they are really like.
Having him put this kind of pressure on you is horrific and is the worst kind if emotional distress. What kind of a man is this. He might be good craic but he sounds like an unreliable - in fact untrustworthy - dishonest man who has no problems stooping to emotional blackmail to get what he might want ( a baby) with no track record of basic responsibility on the smaller big ticket issues ( financial/paying debt , oh and btw i'm saving for a house while in fact I'm blowing it all on myself or on booze/clothes/partying and lying to you whilst earning significantly more ).

The phrase people used use was Baby Trap - and this was usually in a struggling marriage - I cannot believe in 2016 that men are still bullying women into having a baby to prove they love them while the woman is guilted or emotionally manupulated into saying yes when NONE of the basics are there to provide the child with what the child needs - a stable eatablished home, with well adjusted parents who are happy with their relationship & have found a place within it for a child , and a couple who are solid and have proven to each other that they have the maturity and financial partnership and trust to look after this child for the next 18/25 years.

It seems your gut reaction is to scream no - and under pressure to eventually say maybe yes but you know its still not right - and you are right. Perhaps a few years down the road with the right set-up and the right stability and trust and in a solid happy comitted relationship you may choose to make this decision ar a time & in an environment thst is right both for you and for a defenceless baby - in terms of trust, stability, love, and being able to show financial trust & a long term loving happy proven stable family environment.

At present it sounds like the opposite of that with your live out non comitted lying BF who you don't even share or live with pressuring you to give up everything you have - freedom, career, independence , options - to have a baby he wants right now or he will leave you. It dosn't sound like a good basis for bringing a defenceless baby into the world this month and when things go wrong he will simply walk away and leave you even more trapped than you already are.

If I were you I would have a total break immediately - it is the worst type of emotionsal blackmail - you need space away from this pressure & manipulation and before your condims fail or have a 'tear' or your contraception goes missing.

Don't get trapped ir guilted into this - too many wonen are.

Thank you for your reply. I have ended the relationship but had no intention of having a baby when things were this way. My mam brought us up on her own and i will not willingly place myself in the same position. Trust me. The baby wouldn't have been coming to fix it it would only happen when things got back to how they used to be before this bout of insanity. But as i said its over now. Heal and move on time

bp

Best of luck for the future, hopefully you will get that big job and have a happy life where ever you end up