what to do?

LegacyUser

Hi. I'm posting because I feel I have nowhere to turn to. My over 10 year marriage is in serious trouble. Long story short I had been sick for years which created a lot of stress and worry for my husband. Culminated in lengthy hospitalisation which was uber stressful. I am finally well for the first time in years but my husband has had a bit of an emotional/mental meltdown. He is saying he is exhausted, cannot stop worrying about me and wants to leave/be on his own. He says he cares about me, worries about me but doesn't know what love is any more when I ask if he still loves me. His mood is low, I don't know is he clinically depressed but he won't talk to anyone about it. We have had lots of difficult and upsetting conversations and I too am exhausted. I can't go on like this. I want to work things out, have asked many times for him to go to counselling, on his own or with me but to no avail. We are like awkward strangers who flat share and occasionally hug/peck on lips for several months now. I am distraught. I don't know what to do. Last night I said maybe he should look up short term lets and move out for a while so he can be on his own to recharge. For me the only advantage of this is that maybe he might get his wish of being on his own, see if his energy&mood picks up. The terms of that separation would have to be worked out; (eg ? no contact/meet once a week/month/text)If he then decided to move back we still have a bag of issues (our coping&communication issues) to work through and personally I don't know if this is the answer.
Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions?

Merkin

I think you need to find a good marriage guidance counsellor and quick. AFAIK they will see you both seperately and together to really get to the root of the problem and establish whether there's ground to build on. I'm not so sore one of you moving out is a good idea.

Big Bag of Chips

You need to try get him to talk to you. Ask him does he want your marriage to end. Because if he does, then moving out is inevitable, and maybe he should do it sooner rather than later instead of dragging it on for you both. If he says he doesn't want the marriage to end, then he needs to agree to work on it. Which includes counselling for either you both, or him alone (or both!) and not moving out of the family home.

Not discussing things and talk of moving out seems a bit like he's burying his head in the sand and hoping it'll all just sort itself out somehow.

It's impossible to know whether or not he has decided that the marriage is over for him and he's just working up to actually declaring it, or if he is genuinely at a loss as to how to continue and move on together. His best bet as a first port of call should be his GP. But if he won't agree to go, then I don't know what you can do to convince him....

Edit: I think if he does move out for a while you need to stress that there's to be no contact. If you have children he contacts you to arrange to see them, and no more. Moving out but keeping you dangling isn't fair on you, and it wouldn't be exactly giving him the "space" that he says he needs. It would be difficult for you, but you'd have to stand firm. No contact so he can work out what it will be like to be separated from you. If he's ok with it he might never come back. If he realises that he misses you then it's likely to make him want to come back and try work on it.

He should only be coming back on the provision that you attend counselling. Because coming back and changing nothing, will mean nothing will change.

You can't sort this out on your own. You need input and participation from him.

Fridge

10 years together and getting through an illness like that is a big deal. I would suggest counselling too, just so even if he does move out that it's clear to both of you what's actually happening.

leggo

Taking your reading of the situation away from it and looking at what you've described his actions as...it does sound as if he loves you but is also just incredibly stressed with the worry after going through such an ordeal with your illness. No doubt you were the primary victim there, but also now that you're feeling better (thank god) maybe it's time to think about how he must have felt throughout it all in an effort to understand his mindset now.

For example he must have felt very alone and like he wasn't allowed to feel like he could have his own emotions as he had to be strong and support you. You can imagine how emotionally draining that can be on someone. When one partner is that sick, the other suffers in an equal but different way, but often can't let that suffering out or recover from it because they're not the one who is technically sick. He probably got so used to it that now he sees you and automatically switches into that mode, whereas he needs his own time and space to recover from it all now.

I don't know if I think your marriage is over yet, again going solely off how you describe his actions towards you. It can be over if you both let it be. But I think now you're better things need to flip a bit and you've got to be the one supporting him through his recovery. Maybe him getting a short-term lease is a bit drastic, is it possible for him to stay with friends or family even for a week or two and get his head straight without having to feel like he is the strong, responsible one all the time? Maybe even go on a holiday without you and just switch off with the lads or something? I think if you acknowledge* that he needs his time now to feel more like himself and 'give' him that freedom, while reassuring him that he can do so and you will be fine (and if your health is still a concern, maybe look at calling in some backup to help share the load of supporting you temporarily) it could do you both the world of good in putting this horrible phase behind both of you and looking forward to a potentially new and bright future together. If he gets time to just switch off and see that you're fine after him doing so, maybe he can start to see this as a normal relationship again and remember why he loved you before all of this bad stuff happened, rather than feel like he constantly needs to be on-duty to support you in case something bad happens.

*I hope that didn't come across as me suggesting you haven't acknowledged this already and shown him all the appreciation he deserves, I'm sure you have. I'm just saying that what he's communicating here is quite obviously symptomatic of something going wrong and he needs that stress alleviated as he's clearly at breaking point with it, so shift the focus from you to him for a while.

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks for all the replies, I really appreciate it.
Leggo I totally hear what you are saying and I know it has been hugely draining for him. I have been trying to not ask for anything, be self sufficient , show him I am managing on my own and support him but he doesn't seem to be able to change his opinion of me. He has gone away in his own for two weeks, I have gone away for several nights a few times, we have both felt temporarily better having a rest from work and tension at home but it's short lived. Asking him to get a short let not my idea or preferred solution as I think it won't help us but in desperation I thought maybe if he was on his own and magically felt better he would be in a better position to come back and talk/work on things. I think more likely he would think "I'm on my own and feel happier = happier without my wife".
I have asked does he want marriage to end, does he think we could be happy again in the future, does he love me, all get the same answer "I don't know". I don't know is he staying just because he is worried I'll relapse if he leaves (stress not good for my diagnosis) or is he staying because he has one foot in the marriage.
I know he is going through a tough time and I should maybe try take it less personally and try think about my feelings less but it's hard to hear the person you love continually say "I want to leave" and reject you physically and emotionally.
I have asked every way re counselling. No way will he go with me "I don't feel like it". I've had a few sessions on my own with a psychotherapist who doesn't specifically specialise in marriage counselling. Tbh I don't know would it make any odds if they did, I'll ask next time.
I am so depressed. I just can't see any way out.