Past rearing it's ugly head all the time (abuse related)

LegacyUser

Hello, I was in a relationshop with my sons father which fell apart after he anally raped in my sleep after drugging me with valium. I woke up. He cried the next morning and admitted it. He was thrown out of my home for it, and within 8 weeks I had my 1st script for psych meds, and my first hospital admission.
I had a breakdown within 2 months of this and as I ended up in the local psych ward, which he used as an excuse to 'take' (you could also use 'kidnap' or 'habeas corpus' according to my Solicitor at the time. I was sexually abused for 5 years as a young girl by a neighbour and had only gotten through councelling for that in my mid 20's, when my own partner of many years broke my trust in that manner.
I reported it to the Gardai, and gave a video statement. However, my son was 9 at that stage, and the Garda were asking me did I realise the repercussions of going ahead with prosecution. - his dad, who at this stage had a mortgage , job, new girlfriend) could face prison and disgrace. I felt I was basically talked out of going any further with the matter.
Now when I see cases on an almost weekly basis of inter-relationship rape, I get very upset. I feel my life has been stolen from me, twice. I do not date, I feel asexual. I do not trust.
I am still sleeping in the same room where it happenned over 15 years ago & can remember every detail. I get night terrors, and have PTSD. I also have an auto immune illness which flares if I get the tiniest bit stressed.
I have rang rape crisis centre line a few times over the years, but found it upsetting to go over the story and as they don't really give feedback (just little sympathetic sighs) you might as well be taking to a wall.
I am in my early 40's and feel my life is over, as I cannot work due to anxiety and auto-immune flares. Before the health cuts I had supports, I saw a consultant psych monthly, I had a psychologist and did really well for a while with CBT.
I really want to work, or to finish my degree, but I messed up 2nd year due to diagnosis of a chronic physical illness and anxiety, and don't have 5k to re-do the year. I feel so trapped and have stopped leaving the house if at all possible. My psych sees me twice a year now, so another 4 months wait. All other supports have fallen away, and I am going through very difficult time with my son now, which isn't helping.
I feel like i have forgotten how to live, and barely function, yet I see a 'revolving registrar' (you have to be bad to see the consultant now) so I have no real continuity of care any more within the psych system. I wish I could afford to pay for my own care. I never got a cent from my ex after living with him for 12 years, and bringing my son up alone once I had re-established my full custody. I am afraid of him, I would be afraid of what he would do.
I am in such a rut, made worse by the 'anniversary" (Halloween) of the rape and bitter that I lost 15 years as a 'victim'. I don't want to be a victim, I just want to have an ok job and some friends!
Sorry this post is so long, I don't really have many friends, and I wouldn't be able to talk about this with very many people out of shame and embarrassment. I just want to move forward, and am looking for any insight. I wish in my heart I could forgive my sons father for that, but part of me still wants to charge him now that my son is 21. I had a great job in an industry I loved when he did this to me, and now I would be afraid to ask for a job in Spar, being on disability has knocked all my confidence , I am such a shadow of my former self.
Apologies for the lenght of post.6500

Flippyfloppy

How long ago was this? Is it too late to reapproach the Gardai?

Also, could you go to a GP and get referrred to a counsellor as well as the' revolving registar'? I think it would be beneficial to you to speak to someone else about it and make a plan going forward. Wherever you go, print out what you've written here and bring it with you, so you can demonstrate how things are for you. I know whenever I get into a Gp surgery regarding an injury etc I always omit things and play them down almost!

Have you checked whether you're eligible for a grant for your course? If so would that help with the fees? Have you looked on springboard for information on courses?

Edit to add, apologies if my post seems like I'm firing questions at you. I'm just trying to start out with practical ideas. What your boyfriend did to you was inexplicable as was the Garda's response at the time. He deserves to be doing time, not you.

I had a slightly similar experience but I was young, and didn't know the person, and have mangered to blank it out as if it happened to someone else. That's probably not a good thing!

Mayboy

Hello,

I have read your post and I am so, so sorry that you had to go through such a difficult time and have another event spark off your current issues.

Firstly I want to say as someone who has successfully come out the other end of a similar situation is that you can do this and you will come out the other end. We always think 'this is it, I cannot go any further' and we can.

We are never the same after events like this and that takes time to get used to and takes time to guide ourselves through the feelings of sadness and loss that accompany times like this.

For me, I had so may layers to uncover - so many questions - why did this happen to me, was it my fault, what could i have done to stop this, what do I do now, what will the future bring? These are all questions I had, acompanied by massive anxiety and sadness, guilt and anger.

The really important thing for me was leaving counselling and going to a psychotherapist specialising in EMDR. It was a revelation - it helped me safely name and uncover all the difficulties that I had, see how they happened, we looked at my family of origin, we worked through the anxiety and al the health related difficulties I had. I came out the other end. I left behind the constant intrusive nature of my past - the panic and fear, the lonliness and the constant self punishment and blame.

Try, if you can to see if these will help you:

1. Recognise that neither of these events were your responsibility, someone took advantage of you.
2. What happened was not your fault.
3. We all get scarred in some way by events like these - that is being s=human, and vulnerable and we carry those scars, sometimes they flare up - anniversaries, situations, people can bring the past back but remember that you are now taking control and are not a prisoner.
4. Allow yourself to be sad, to feel loss.
5. Let yourself know that you have the ability to change this with help, you will always have your past but you can choose your future.
6. Allow yourself to get to know yourself, to find the pieces of you that you loved and let them speak again.
7. If you feel unsafe, suicidal or very afraid call the Samaratins or go to A&E.
8. Learn to meditate and see how we can calm ourselves with the breath and be in the now - this was huge for me.
9. Get a good support around you - a good psychotherapist.
10. Remember that we cannot talk about what happened to us all the time - it needs to be carefully and slowly discussed and come to terms with.

I was where you are now - my weeks were so long, my nights we so long, I saw no point in anything and now I am a proud dad of two, happy and well. I see the past come up for me and sometimes it is so sad but I also see it as a huge learning curve and challenge that brought out the best in me.

I'm rooting for you and know you can do it, hang in there. XXX

silverbolt

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Edit to add, apologies if my post seems like I'm firing questions at you. I'm just trying to start out with practical ideas. What your boyfriend did to you was inexplicable as was the Garda's response at the time. He deserves to be doing time, not you.

I had a slightly similar experience but I was young, and didn't know the person, and have mangered to blank it out as if it happened to someone else. That's probably not a good thing!

Welcome to the world of Ireland. This is not the first time that our beloved Gardai shift the blame to the victim.

It is not the first time that a sufferer has the "support" services let them slip through the cracks

OP. I think you need a change. Can you at least switch bedrooms? Small changes in your life can have a ripple effect. Start small, baby steps. Easier said than done i know.