I'm at a loss...

LegacyUser

So I have a bit of a weird one, me and my now ex both in our mid 20s together 5 years

Travelled together and lived abroad together for a couple of years, last year she had to relocate for work, she will be there for 1 more year, we had been making it work, or so I thought. But she says its not a relationship anymore as all we do is talk on the phone and text except for 1 weekend a month when we see each other

A few weeks back, kind of out of the blue she broke up with me because "she needs to settle in over there" and feels that all her spare time was spent coming to see me instead of making friends

We are(were) very close, best friends and I honestly thought we would never split up

Since we broke up we did the no contact thing for a few weeks, she seemed to have been out all the time and really enjoying herself, I asked her was she not missing me and she says shes been missing me for the last year so whats the difference, I admit I could have gone to see her more than I did.

Last week we met up and she says this is what she wants, but I don't believe her
Since we met we have been texting the odd bit but nothing major, and she rang me one day just to "chat"

Now I want to be with this girl but Im not gona sit around waiting like a chump, and if I do wait I wouldn't b able to get back with her as I'd always be thinking about who she was with when we were split up

I miss her a lot and I told her I dont want to break up, I dont know what to do...

Shinbin223

Now I want to be with this girl but Im not gona sit around waiting like a chump, and if I do wait I wouldn't b able to get back with her as I'd always be thinking about who she was with when we were split up

This kinda says it all OP. You say that last year she had to relocate for work and you didn't go to see her as much as you should have. Did she make an effort to come see you? Relationships are a two way street and both parties have to make sacrifices and effort for them to work. Where was her effort if you were the one doing all the visiting?
Her calling you just for a chat is keeping you in the loop but only throwing you crumbs as clearly she has stated this is what she wants.
She seems to be happy for you to believe the break up was your fault when in reality if she wasn't making an effort to come and see you, it's as much hers as yours.
My guess is that she sees the relationship has run it's course for her but she is still willing to ring you for a chat when she feels like it.
My advice is, as hard as it may be, don't sit around like a chump and cease all contact. Ask her to do the same as it is pointless being in contact if nothing is progressing between you.

silverharp

it sounds over to me, she is going to be away for 2 years in total, if you werent able to move with her at the time then there was going to be a risk of this happening. its only going to make you more miserable if you pursue this or think you can fix it somehow.

sadie1502

To me it sounds like she doesn't want to finish it but she wants something to change. Forcing your hand making you make an effort. If you don't well then maybe she was right and it confirms what is already in her head. You say about making more of an effort was she making all the effort ?

baby and crumble

Confused Cavan man wrote: »

Last week we met up and she says this is what she wants, but I don't believe her

...

I miss her a lot and I told her I dont want to break up, I dont know what to do...

You need to get over it. You can't force someone to be with you, and you can't just choose to think she's lying about what she's told you. By all accounts she's told you exactly how she feels and yet you don't want to believe her.

I don't mean to be rude, OP, but shes dumped you. It happens. Move on to someone who does want to be with you, fully.

LegacyUser

Sorry I should have said, she did come visit me a lot, any weekends she could!

I couldn't move with her at the start, I will be able to in April and our plan had been to travel again when she finished

Before she went I agreed that i would consider going with her a few months after, but I admit I just said this as I didn't want to be the reason she missed an opportunity like this

She says that she has been making all the effort but I think thats a little unfair, I work a lot and I went to see her when I could, I was just looking forward to our future together after this was done and we could live together again, but she says this is so she can be happy right now as opposed to in the future

LegacyUser

baby and crumble wrote: »

You need to get over it. You can't force someone to be with you, and you can't just choose to think she's lying about what she's told you. By all accounts she's told you exactly how she feels and yet you don't want to believe her.

I don't mean to be rude, OP, but shes dumped you. It happens. Move on to someone who does want to be with you, fully.

Its not that I think shes lying I just think shes jumping into it, 5 years is a long time to just throw away

Potatoeman

It easier to be single abroad. Don't be surprised if she wants to get back together when she comes home.

baby and crumble

Confused Cavan man wrote: »

Its not that I think shes lying I just think shes jumping into it, 5 years is a long time to just throw away

That's not really your decision though, that's all I'm saying. You seem like a decent enough guy, but she's told you what you want. You've told her you don't want it but unfortunately it doesn't work like that. I'd say she's been thinking about splitting for a while, I doubt she's jumping into anything. I was in a long distance relationship for 2 years where we saw each other probably less than you, but neither of us wanted to end it. What I'm saying is, distance isn't always the problem, it just shows up the kind of relationship you're already in. Obviously she doesn't feel as strongly about you, those are just the breaks.

I feel like I'm being super harsh, I just think if she's told you she wants to break up you have to take her at her word and not assume you know her mind better than she does. That's quite arrogant.

Shinbin223

The fact that she has made an effort changes things OP. Without meaning to be harsh I think you need to hear what she's telling you. She doesn't want a relationship and maybe the reason she's giving you isn't true in the slightest but you need to accept what she is saying. The bottom line could be that her feelings aren't as strong as they once were, or maybe the distance is too big a factor. You just need to try accept what she is saying, cut contact and the sooner you begin to move on the better for you.
She may come home from her travels and say she wants to give things another go but that's a big if, you need to live your life and try and move on in the here and now. Take care.

LegacyUser

Shinbin223 wrote: »

The fact that she has made an effort changes things OP. Without meaning to be harsh I think you need to hear what she's telling you. She doesn't want a relationship and maybe the reason she's giving you isn't true in the slightest but you need to accept what she is saying. The bottom line could be that her feelings aren't as strong as they once were, or maybe the distance is too big a factor. You just need to try accept what she is saying, cut contact and the sooner you begin to move on the better for you.
She may come home from her travels and say she wants to give things another go but that's a big if, you need to live your life and try and move on in the here and now. Take care.

She is blaming it on the distance, but up until a couple of weeks ago we were planning our future, she was home for a few weeks, we went on holiday, all was great, then she went back, went out a couple of nights and seems to have made new friends and a week later we broke up.

She did mention that we should revisit things when she finishes there and that she just needs this time

leggo

I wouldn't rule out that she's also passive-aggressively showing you how serious she is that she wants more of a relationship than what you guys have been having. I mean read her actions more than her words: she breaks up but also rings you 'just to chat' and keeps in contact while telling you she had been missing you when you didn't come over, she did all the running and came to see you when she could...it doesn't strike me as the actions of someone who wants you out of her life completely, but maybe someone who's fed up missing someone who's not putting in their 50%, and the break-up is a sign that she's willing to walk for good if this isn't addressed.

If you still want her, I'd take this all on-board, tell her as much and that you'll make more of an effort, then actually do so. Or she'll likely be gone forever. Your call, it's put up or shut up time OP!

lawred2

She's met someone else and is swallowing his length as you type.

Sad as it is you'll need to move on. It's over.

Merkin

lawred2 wrote: »

She's met someone else and is swallowing his length as you type.

Sad as it is you'll need to move on. It's over.

Completely idiotic and unhelpful posts like this won't be tolerated here.

Xterminator

OP is you relationship worth fighting for?

Cause if it is, get off your backside and let this girl know how comitted you are and that you want her and only her. Offer to make the compromises necessary to make it work.

Are you more concerned about

sit around waiting like a chump,

than losing her?

Is it because your pride will take a hit, or is it because you are luke warm about the relationship at this stage?
2 years down the line will this be your big regret? that you didnt try hard enough?

Decide what you want and then if you want her, leave no stone unturned.

FYI as a stranger it seems to me like you couldnt be arsed. If thats what she thinks is it any wonder she called it a day?

JRant

Confused Cavan man wrote: »

She is blaming it on the distance, but up until a couple of weeks ago we were planning our future, she was home for a few weeks, we went on holiday, all was great, then she went back, went out a couple of nights and seems to have made new friends and a week later we broke up.

She did mention that we should revisit things when she finishes there and that she just needs this time

Feel for you man, that's a tough spot to be in.

From reading that it would not surprise me at all if there was someone new on the scene. That kind of thing can happen with LDR's unfortunately.

She's meeting new people, having fun and you're sitting at home wondering where it allwent wrong. You should probably just forget about her for now and concentrate on yourself, it's what she is doing after all.

Go out and enjoy yourself, you'll drive yourself nuts thinking about what may or may not be going on with her.

Idle Passerby

You fobbed her off saying you'd try to move over in a few months knowing you had no intention of the sort. She's been hoping for an improvement in the one weekend a month arrangement while your happy to do that for two years. She's got sick of it and called your bluff. She wants a relationship with you in the here and now whereas you've been happy to shelve it until she moves back. That's how it reads to me. Either show her you can put the effort in now or accept she has called it quits.