brother assaulted husband

Rallycrazygirl

A couple weeks ago my brother turned on me and started saying nasty things and shoving me around. This happened in my parents house only the two of us there. My husband had gone into town to collect something and arrived back during this. My brother then became abusive to my husband and physically assaulted him. My husband sustained broken bones, bruising and cuts. My husband didn't fight back as he is not a violent person.
I had to take my husband to hospital. I rang my dad and told him what happened and he said he d sort it out and not to be worried that everything would be ok. My brother rang my mum and straight away she rang me and said she wasn't taking sides that we were to sort it out between ourselves. I explained to her neither myself or husband did anything wrong. And that my husbands injuries are so bad that the doctor wanted to report to guards. We didn't want to do that as what would it do but make my brother angrier.
Since the assault my mum hasn't visited us or tried to see our children. But has been at my brothers house several times and has brought his children to cinema and park. When I've spoken to her on phone she keeps brushing it under the carpet. She won't even ask how my husband is or nothing. He has to have an operation this week in Dublin and will be in hospital for couple of days. I asked her could she collect my daughters from school Wednesday as I want to make sure my husband is ok after surgery. She has just rung me and said she's going shopping instead with my brother and his wife and that I will have make other
plans. we live over 2 hours from hospital so very upset about this.
she has also told me not to call to her house this weekend as she's having my brother and his family for dinner Sunday and doesn't want any tension. He lives 10 minutes down the road.
My brother never does anything for my parents. When there away I feed horses and dogs and any maintenance in house my husband does.
Feel like she's more worried about him than me and my husband. Also has told me not to tell anyone what really happened my husband that people would look down on my brother.

The Raptor

Sounds like a narcissist family to me. Your brother can do no wrong in your mother's eyes. Favourite son, favourite grandchildren. Time to think is this what you want from them, if not consider limiting contact.

Rallycrazygirl

Thanks for reply my brother is couple years older than me and she's always taken his side. She constantly compares my children to his. His children are so much better at everything in her eyes she even tells my kids that they should aspire to being like them.
My dad has always been great with my children. He used to take them somewhere every one or two the same with brothers children. Last few months he hasn't taken my children very often my mother said that he was too busy and he won't say anything against her.

Big Bag of Chips

Your mother has made it clear where her loyalties lie, so its now time for you to show where your loyalties lie. I wouldn't expect your mother to side with your husband over her own son. Blood is thicker than water after all. Maybe if your brother is quite volatile your mother tries to appease him for a quiet life?

Either way, you have to be loyal to your own family now. Don't go looking for them. They know where you are and can come to you if and when they want to see you or your children. Make alternative arrangements if you need the children looked after for a while. I have a great group of friends from the school gate, and we can call on each other if anything arises that might delay us or cause us to not be able to collect some day. Ask someone else.

Let your mother do what she likes about your brother. There's no point in pitting yourself against him in a popularity contest. You know he'll always win, in her eyes. She's made it clear she doesn't have much time for you. So take that at face value, and let her come to you of she wants. But I think if I was your husband and had sustained such injuries, I would be going to the guards.

KKkitty

Your brother needs a wake up call. Report the assault please. He can't get away with it. What if he does it again to you or someone else and there's not just a hospital visit and surgery? If he can't control his temper with people he's supposed to care about what regard would he have for a random person. He's been mollycoddled as far as I can see from your posts and thinks he can do what he likes, when he likes,no repercussions. He's an adult and if he can't act like one it's time he was treated like one.

Taltos

I'm sorry OP but being afraid of making your brother angrier is not the right approach to take here.

Your husband, the father of your child is in hospital undergoing treatment and surgeries.
Reporting your violent brother should be the ONLY thing you are doing.

As to your mum not picking up your daughters - thank bloody god. Were I you or your husband there's no way in hell I'd want ANY of the family near you.

Forget about trying to mend bridges her and instead focus on who is meant to be the most important person there for you in your life. Your OH and your daughters.
Frankly I'm in shock at this and were I your OH the first thing I'd be doing on leaving the hospital is getting legal advice to separate and get full care of the child, you my dear would not be allowed within 10 feet without being supervised. I'm not trying to be mean or scare you here but as the parent you have responsibilities here that go beyond your ties to your mother and brother. What would happen if your daughter was there and tried to protect her daddy - do you think your brother would have cared or would he have ended up killing her as a child can take a lot less abuse than a grown man.

Teyla Emmagan

I honestly can't believe you haven't already reported your brother to the guards. Are you all terrified of him? Can you not see what control this violent bully has over the rest of you?? And your mother has chosen him. I am sorry, but she has. I would call the guards and then I would cut the rest of your toxic family out of your life. Yourself, your husband, and your kids all deserve better. You need a jolt of self respect.

KKkitty

Why should the OP and her husband split up? Report the assault, get a restraining order against her brother and hope he gets some jail time for what he's done. Don't open the door to anyone who you don't know is coming.

Fakediamond

Well I hope your brother enjoys feeding the dogs, horses, and doing the maintenance because hell would freeze over before I'd be doing that again.

I wonder what tale he spun your mother for her "not to take sides". He must be a spoilt, entitled bully to be able to get away with that with your parents. I pity his wife and children.

With that level of injuries, I'd seriously consider involving the Gardai, if you don't want to take that route, I'd sue him civilly for damages, that'll hold him accountable for his actions. Why should he get away with breaking someone's bones? That's thuggish behaviour and that's not to mention shoving his sister around, unbelievable. He's not a child anymore, you can't do that to another adult and get away with it!

Senna

It's very easy for people on here to just say cut ties with the family, report the brother etc etc, those might be the correct thing to do, but this is family and a strong reaction here will probably dictate family relations for a long time.

I really feel sorry for you OP, it's a tough situation, your mother has made her decision and its probably to be expected, God knows what your brother has told your mother and its easy for her to take his side now.

I think you need to approach your mother, tell her you are upset that she is taking this out on your children and she should not be punishing them.
I'd keep it as an FYI to her, the relationship should remain intact but really, she's made it clear where she stands and its either keep it amicable or cut all ties.

Rallycrazygirl

Thanks for replies. The main reason for not reporting to guards is that my dad had a health scare in last few weeks with his heArt and I don't want to cause him stress. my dad knows what my brother is like he do be like a pig when he doesn't get what he wants. He never behaves like this in front of my mother though.

This is first time that my brother has assaulted anyone. He just went mad shouting and shoving me. And the turned on my husband. My husband and me are fairly sure he would have attached me if my husband wasn't there.

I have said to my mother that my brother needs help that he could attack someone else. Of course she thinks I'm over reacting.
My self and my husband are going to speak to his cousin tomorrow who's a guard to get advise on reporting it. Just don't want to upset my dad. Which my husband agrees with.
I definitely won't be asking my mother to mind my children again. My husbands family aren't local so can't take them. Only asked because one of my girls has a match on Wednesday that she's been training really hard for and didn't want her to miss it. We have talked there and will leave once match us over to be with husband in Dublin. And stay overnight.

Rallycrazygirl

Senna wrote: »

It's very easy for people on here to just say cut ties with the family, report the brother etc etc, those might be the correct thing to do, but this is family and a strong reaction here will probably dictate family relations for a long time.

I really feel sorry for you OP, it's a tough situation, your mother has made her decision and its probably to be expected, God knows what your brother has told your mother and its easy for her to take his side now.

I think you need to approach your mother, tell her you are upset that she is taking this out on your children and she should not be punishing them.
I'd keep it as an FYI to her, the relationship should remain intact but really, she's made it clear where she stands and its either keep it amicable or cut all ties.

I have told mother how upset I am. I've tried to keep it all together but she's clearly siding with him and not even trying to hide it. My mother believes him no matter what.

Afroshack

I'm really sorry to hear this. I'm afraid I don't really have any advice to offer that hasn't already been said, but I'll be thinking of you OP and I hope you're okay.

Merkin

Thread reopened.

Miaireland

You really do need to report this I am afraid. I understand that you don't want to cause your Dad any stress but what would happen if he kicked off at your Dad. I am so sorry this has happened to you and wish your husband and your Dad a speedy recovery.

silverharp

if my inlaws did that to me I wouldn't want myself or my kids exposed to those people. and its your husband's call whether he reports it or not but Im not sure even an apology is any good at this stage unless your brother goes for therapy, if not then he is kind of a sc'mbag and you would have to assume he would do this again possibly even to one of the children

jimgoose

I understand this is a horrible situation for most people involved, but any assault involving broken bones is usually very serious. You need to report this, and get this character sorted out before he kills someone.

SB_Part2

You need to report this.

punisher5112

Hi op very sorry to hear all about your trouble and husbands also and hope he gets better soon.

The thing that is very worrying here is he most likely was going to injure you so you need to get Garda involved.

Think what happens next will he do this to the kids will he go at your dad or mum and will it even boil over and do it to his wife and kids.

He is a very dangerous individual and sad it happens to be your brother.

Has something similar happened before where argument has gone way over the top?
What was his reason for the outburst.

You be best keeping your mum out of it as she seems to think the sun shines out of his a##.

If you are worried about your dad invite him over or go over while he is alone and explain what you have to do if you feel you have to but I would guess he knows already as he sounds like he has his head screwed on right.

Best of luck and stay safe.

intheclouds

Rallycrazygirl wrote: »

The main reason for not reporting to guards is that my dad had a health scare in last few weeks with his heArt and I don't want to cause him stress. my dad knows what my brother is like he do be like a pig when he doesn't get what he wants.

You need to get some perspective here. You reporting your brothers assault to the Guards is not the stress inducing event - your brothers violent behavior is.

You absolutely should be reporting this to the Guards, Im totally shocked that you have not reported it already!

Your husband has suffered broken bones and faces surgery as a result of a violent attack? How easily it could have been you, or how easily it could have resulted in death at which point your brother would be the subject of a murder investigation.

You need to report this, its shocking to think that someone can get away with that level of violent assault because you dont want to upset the family. Its an awful pity doctors are not legally required to report that level of assault.

Personally speaking if I were your husband I would want nothing to do with your brother or family again. Especially if its not reported.

seamus

If your brother can be this violent against you and your husband, he can be this violent against his own wife and children. And there's a good chance he already is.

Sweeping it under the carpet is exactly the kind of thing that violent abusive people rely on to continue terrorising those around them.

You should report this, if not for yourself, then for the sake of your nieces/nephews and your sister-in-law.

Magicmatilda

I also think that you should leave your family be and let them come to you if they wish. I would not entertain any of them at this stage without an apology. They should be apologizing for treating your children so differently and letting them down bar anything else.

I also think that your brother has clearly shown himself to be a violent man, although you say that he has never been violent before? Do you know what prompted the violence? I also think this should be reported, for the safety of his own wife and children

deisemum

This needs to be reported to the gardai. Sweeping it under the carpet by not reporting it will just make matters worse.

Walter H Price

100% report him if your mother takes issue you know where her loyalties lie.

Buford T. Justice XIX

Op, is there a chance for you to talk to your father about this before you report it because any opportunities to talk to him about this after it is reported would be scarce, I think.

He should know why you're reporting the assault as he seems a bit more reasonable than your mother.

I would try to maintain some contact with your nephews/nieces and your children if possible but only with you present.

I wish you the best, OP, it's not an easy situation to be in.

Musketeer4

Magicmatilda wrote: »

I also think that you should leave your family be and let them come to you if they wish. I would not entertain any of them at this stage without an apology. They should be apologizing for treating your children so differently and letting them down bar anything else.

I also think that your brother has clearly shown himself to be a violent man, although you say that he has never been violent before? Do you know what prompted the violence? I also think this should be reported, for the safety of his own wife and children

Wha?:eek: How is her leaving her family going to be any sort of solution?

Musketeer4

Musketeer4 wrote: »

Wha?:eek: How is her leaving her family going to be any sort of solution?

"Leave her family BE" ... i.e. disconnect from her mother and brother, not from her husband and kids.

Although I think it's interesting to have to clarify which of the OP's families she needs to prioritise now.

Rallycrazygirl

Thanks for all the replies. We have spoken to my husbands cousin who is a guard. And his taken us through what reporting it will entail.
I also met my dad today and told him whats been happening and that we spoken to guard about it. My dad agrees that something has to be done and is totally shocked by my brother s behaviour. Myself and my husband think my brother needs to see someone to see why he totally flippedand my dad agrees. Dont want him to attack.anyone else.
My husbands cousin who is guard knows local guard in our area and we also had chat with himtoday to make him aware of all that has happened. He is going to have a chat with my brother he said and see how he responds. We have also decided to make a formal complaint about my brother . Its not to cause trouble or hurt anyone but feel.it needs to be on recorsd in case he does anything else and so guards can monitor him

punisher5112

Rallycrazygirl wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. We have spoken to my husbands cousin who is a guard. And his taken us through what reporting it will entail.
I also met my dad today and told him whats been happening and that we spoken to guard about it. My dad agrees that something has to be done and is totally shocked by my brother s behaviour. Myself and my husband think my brother needs to see someone to see why he totally flippedand my dad agrees. Dont want him to attack.anyone else.
My husbands cousin who is guard knows local guard in our area and we also had chat with himtoday to make him aware of all that has happened. He is going to have a chat with my brother he said and see how he responds. We have also decided to make a formal complaint about my brother . Its not to cause trouble or hurt anyone but feel.it needs to be on recorsd in case he does anything else and so guards can monitor him

As I said very sorry to hear but very glad you have taken on board what others and I have said.


Well done and hope it all works out.
Do you mind me asking what led up to the aggressive behaviour and assault. Do not answer if to personal but very happy you have not just left it.

It's worrying the way you hear such things on the news only after it's too late and someone has lost their life.

Best of luck.

HiGlo

Rallycrazygirl wrote: »

This is first time that my brother has assaulted anyone.

That you know of...

It sounds to me quite unlikely that this is the case. All this brushing it under the carpet your mother likes to endorse might be the reason you think this.

Sounds like a really difficult situation and I'm really glad you got a chance to speak with your father about it all. It's good also that he agrees with you about speaking to the Guards.

I think the complaint and a talking to by the Guards is the best first step. If you pressed formal charges against your brother that would have to be done on the understanding that it may result in the end of all contact with your family - that's not an easy path to take.

Best of luck with it OP.

lawred2

Rallycrazygirl wrote: »

A couple weeks ago my brother turned on me and started saying nasty things and shoving me around. This happened in my parents house only the two of us there. My husband had gone into town to collect something and arrived back during this. My brother then became abusive to my husband and physically assaulted him. My husband sustained broken bones, bruising and cuts. My husband didn't fight back as he is not a violent person.
I had to take my husband to hospital. I rang my dad and told him what happened and he said he d sort it out and not to be worried that everything would be ok. My brother rang my mum and straight away she rang me and said she wasn't taking sides that we were to sort it out between ourselves. I explained to her neither myself or husband did anything wrong. And that my husbands injuries are so bad that the doctor wanted to report to guards. We didn't want to do that as what would it do but make my brother angrier.
Since the assault my mum hasn't visited us or tried to see our children. But has been at my brothers house several times and has brought his children to cinema and park. When I've spoken to her on phone she keeps brushing it under the carpet. She won't even ask how my husband is or nothing. He has to have an operation this week in Dublin and will be in hospital for couple of days. I asked her could she collect my daughters from school Wednesday as I want to make sure my husband is ok after surgery. She has just rung me and said she's going shopping instead with my brother and his wife and that I will have make other
plans. we live over 2 hours from hospital so very upset about this.
she has also told me not to call to her house this weekend as she's having my brother and his family for dinner Sunday and doesn't want any tension. He lives 10 minutes down the road.
My brother never does anything for my parents. When there away I feed horses and dogs and any maintenance in house my husband does.
Feel like she's more worried about him than me and my husband. Also has told me not to tell anyone what really happened my husband that people would look down on my brother.

Scumbag brother should be arrested. I'm amazed you've left weeks pass by since your husband was assaulted really!?

Broken bones and required surgery?

That takes some doing.

nikkibikki

I don't think I could be in the same room as my brother if he beat my husband so bad that he broke bones and needed surgery.

Your mother's behaviour since has been bizarre tbh. It's like she's trying desperately hard to prove to him that all is OK between him and her, to the detriment of hers and your relationship and her contact with your children. She's made it quite clear who's side she's on. If she thinks what has happened is acceptable then I don't think I would want to be too involved with her and definitely wouldn't be leaving kids with her.

Look after your husband OP. An unprovoked attack can have lasting effects and not all physical.

leggo

For what it's worth OP, in families I've known where there's been a 'difficult one' like your brother, the parents can tend to focus on them more because they're the one that 'need' parenting. Though, in the situation, I understand how it can feel like she's taking sides and loves him more, in truth I doubt it's that and it's just a mother's love for her troubled son manifesting in a really strange way. Based on everything you've said, you seem like the strong, sensible one with your **** together so she may feel like he needs her more. And she's his mother, she's going to love and forgive him and rationalise what he does regardless of what it is. I'm sure she'd be the same if you were the perpetrator. So try just weather the storm for a bit, keep your distance (because you're not wrong to be pissed and maybe your mother does need a wake-up call for how much you do for them that only distance can show her) and don't write-off your family for good.

For the record, I also think you're doing absolutely the right thing re: the guards. You have to look out for your and your husband's safety, first and foremost. So whatever happens with the fallout, remember that.

Rallycrazygirl

Thanks for everyone's replies. I definitely don't want any direct contact with my brother. His obviously troubled for some reason. My mother has always mollycoddled him and his opinions, if she says anything to him he doesn't agree with he doesn't bring his children to visit won't answer phone childish behaviour. She then gives in and everything is lovely between them again.
But if I say anything she ignores me and won't contact me or my children. But then will twist it that it was my fault.
Hopefully when guard speaks to him it's the wake up call he needs.
I will be keeping a distance from now on from my brother and mother.
Can't pin point why he exploded his always been grumpy and can be ignorant and putting me and my family down. But this was a new low behaviour.
I'm glad that we went to guards maybe my mother will wake up aswell as see what his really like.

suicide_circus

Well done on reporting your brother, if you hadn't you'd be no better than your mother mollycoddling him. If I was your husband I'd have reported him immediately and would also cease all contact with your family if they continued to back your brother.

Rallycrazygirl

Rallycrazygirl wrote: »

My mother has always mollycoddled him and his opinions, if she says anything to him he doesn't agree with he doesn't bring his children to visit won't answer phone childish behaviour. She then gives in and everything is lovely between them again.

But if I say anything she ignores me and won't contact me or my children. But then will twist it that it was my fault.

I'm glad that we went to guards maybe my mother will wake up aswell as see what his really like.

Please don't count on that. If he treats her like dirt while you help and look after her and she can still twist things to make him out to be a saint and you out to be the bad guy ... she'll have no problem twisting this by glossing over your brother's repulsive behaviour and blaming you for whatever happens.

I don't want to upset you, I just want you to be prepared. You've done absolutely the right thing and I've no doubt you'll continue to do what's best for your own family.

pc7

Just want to echo Jackie Brown, don't wait on your mother to change sadly you'll likely be left disappointed.
You made the first step to change by reporting him, I can't imagine how hard that was but it was 100% the right thing.
I'd be sending him the hospital bills and lack of wages for your husband also but that's just me. I hope your husband can heal well physically and mentally it's an horrific thing that's happened, especially by 'so called family'.
Move forward with your husband and children and hopefully your father, don't pander to your mother or others.

valoren

Hi OP.

*edit* just saw that you don't know why he flipped. *edit*

It seems that there's a pair of them in this.
Your brother is manipulating his own mother by removing her access to her grand kids when he doens't get his way, who by the sounds of it are her favorite.

This let's him get away with his toxic behavior, as she is giving him a free pass.
Now that he has assaulted your husband to the point where he required hospitalisation, she is in a deep denial about what a prick her son actually is and denial is a very powerful thing.

I would definitely follow through on pressing charges. Assault is a serious matter here and it sounds serious when you mention he had to go to Hospital.

Let him get charged. Let him suffer the consequences. Arseholes like that get away with what they do because people do nothing. They brush it under the carpet like your mother. Unfortuantely, the flip side of standing your ground and looking after your own priorities is that it makes you very unpopular. You will be the one causing trouble, involving the Guards, getting restraining orders etc. That's the price you pay for asserting yourself.

If it's the first time he has done something like this then it should be confronted head on. Were you to do nothing then there's no reason why he might feel that he could escalate his behaviour. As in, I just put your Husband in hospital and nothing happened. It might imbue him with a sense of being untouchable or infallible. Getting a guard calling at his door would certainly prevent that.

I would recommend that you follow through with the Guard you contacted and follow whatever advice they give.

Rallycrazygirl

Thanks again everyone. Feel relieved we have taken first step to get back life

Mr. Incognito

Your husband stepped in and took a physical beating for you because there's no doubt it was going to come your way. He stood up for you.

The least you can do is stand up to your family and support him in return.