No Birthday Present

hed

My birthday was in August, I was 30! I am with my boyfriend for the last 3 years. We've had our ups and downs, my parents don't like him. Well no to be more precise my parents have never met him and say they don't want to meet him as he is not the right "class".
So as you can imagine this has caused quite a bit of negativity in our relationship which for the most part we get over.

For my birthday we were on a 4 week holiday in South East Asia. We had a fab time and loved the experience. However my boyfriend didn't get me a birthday present which I was quite upset by at the time but got over as he said he thought he'd get something unique on holidays but hadn't got anything.
So when we came home he said we'd go away for the October bank holiday weekend as a birthday present. That's next weekend and no bookings have been made!
Am I over reacting to be so upset and annoyed at him?

For his birthday I knew he had been eyeing up a tool online and I bought it for him. Its not a money issue as far as I know. He had asked me what I wanted for my birthday but as it was a big birthday I said I'd let him surprise me.
Not so much surprised as pissed off!
Also, everyone I met after we came home from holidays asks "oh did you get a ring for your big birthday away?!" Think this is also getting to me!

Thanks for the advice in advance!

Minera

Hi op, I agree with you it was a bit lousy that he didn't get anything for your birthday but unfortunately you can't do anything about it. Maybe sit down with him and tell him how hurt you feel, at least hr will know then. I will advise you clear the air asap as it may lead to petty fighting and arguing.

FizzleSticks

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Ursus Horribilis

There's plenty of ambiguity in this. You could say yes he's a selfish sod and he should've been getting you presents. Or maybe it's a case of misunderstanding.

Birthdays are obviously very important to you but they're not a big thing for everyone. Perhaps he thought that he'd see something nice while on that trip and never did? Did he do anything to acknowledge your birthday on the holiday? If he paid for a meal out, for example, would that not count as a present?

As for the holiday, did ye never have a conversation about it? Something as fundamental as where you're actually going to go? It's almost as if this is a test and he's failing.

Some people just aren't good at buying presents and remembering anniversaries. Maybe your boyfriend is one of those people. Or maybe it's pointing to greater difficulties in the relationship. I don't know but you might.

hed

Fizzlesticks, August is quite a while ago. The reason I'm getting peed off now is that when he said he hadn't got anything for my birthday he'd said that we'd take a few days away in Ireland for next weekend.

Yeah the ring comments have been thick and heavy for the last year! Love to tell people to F off!

Ursus Horribilis

The ring comments are the least of your problems. I would be more worried about your parents not meeting him and the problems over presents and holidays.

hed

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I would be more worried about your parents not meeting him .

Its down to one parent now as I lost a parent last year, without him ever meeting. Because of all the agro my bf stayed away while the funeral and removal were on. Parents had issues with all 3 of my siblings partners at some stage but not to this extent.

hed

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Did he do anything to acknowledge your birthday on the holiday? If he paid for a meal out, for example, would that not count as a present?

Yes he paid for the meal that night as it was his turn, I had paid the night before.

Ursus Horribilis

Did he acknowledge your birthday at all? How has he been with your other birthdays and at Christmas?

Rekop dog

A months holiday in Asia would stretch a lot of people financially. Maybe he was too proud to admit he couldn't afford a good present? What's he usually like on birthdays/Xmas/anniversaries?

Your parents sound like absolutely horrible people if they flat out refuse to get to know him purely based on class. At least that didn't rub off on you.

Ursus Horribilis

Rekop dog wrote: »

A months holiday in Asia would stretch a lot of people financially. Maybe he was too proud to admit he couldn't afford a good present? What's he usually like on birthdays/Xmas/anniversaries?.

Good point. He might still be struggling financially after that holiday and can't afford another one. You two need to talk.

hed

He said Happy Birthday and that he hadn't seen anything suitable to get for a pressie and that we'd take a few days away over mid-term but that was about the height of it. It's the fact that mid term is next weekend and no sign of a weekend away.


for Christmas' we'd tell each other what we'd like for Christmas. He isn't great at present shopping in general. I buy the presents for his nephews and neices.

hed

Don't think he is struggling financially as far as I am aware. Were living together for the last 2 and 1/2 years but still separate finances so cant be sure.

Fakediamond

Id be concerned that he didn't buy you a present. I mean it's about acknowledging you as a special person in his life and caring enough about you to be bothered to make the effort. And it's not about the big gesture or expense either, it's about respect.

As a friend of mine used to say, if they don't treat you right when you're dating, they definitely won't when you're married!

Ursus Horribilis

hed wrote: »

for Christmas' we'd tell each other what we'd like for Christmas. He isn't great at present shopping in general. I buy the presents for his nephews and nieces.

Who pays for these presents? Who paid for the holiday?

LegacyUser

He didn't go to your parent's funeral!! How can there be this much aggro when they haven't met. Did that mean you had no support from him over that time? And you've had your ups and downs, do the ups outweigh the downs? Ye are going to have a hard road if weddings, kids are in your plans. I do think a newish romantic relationship of 3 years should include gifts and marking significant birthdays. This mightn't continue on for years but it should be expected at this early stage is imagine.

hed

He pays for his nephews presents and I pay for my nephew/neices presents

we both paid for the flights and paid equally along the way for everything else.

hed

Fakediamond wrote: »

I mean it's about acknowledging you as a special person in his life and caring enough about you to be bothered to make the effort. And it's not about the big gesture or expense either, it's about respect.

Doesn't ever have to be a big thing. We don't "do" valentines or anniversaries as such. we just exchange cards. But nothing, not even a card, for a significant birthday just has me upset.

Augme

OP by the sounds of it, you both put have far different ideas and desires about celebrating birthdays etc. It might be a good idea to discuss it together and reach a mutual understanding.

Fakediamond wrote: »

As a friend of mine used to say, if they don't treat you right when you're dating, they definitely won't when you're married!

Using someone's ability to buy presents for rare occasions sounds like a terrible way to judge if a partner is treating you right.

hed

Augme wrote: »

Using someone's ability to buy presents for rare occasions sounds like a terrible way to judge if a partner is treating you right.

That is true. It's only twice a year that we exchange presents. He's not mean with money he will often look to pay for dinners when we go out, I like splitting the bill.

FizzleSticks

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hed

Totaallysunday wrote: »

He didn't go to your parent's funeral!! How can there be this much aggro when they haven't met. Did that mean you had no support from him over that time? And you've had your ups and downs, do the ups outweigh the downs? Ye are going to have a hard road if weddings, kids are in your plans. I do think a newish romantic relationship of 3 years should include gifts and marking significant birthdays. This mightn't continue on for years but it should be expected at this early stage is imagine.

My parents never supported the relationship and refused to meet him. They reckoned that based on where he was born that they know he isn't a suitable match. I had support after but not for the actual funeral/burial/removal.

We've had lots of ups and downs, but in the main the ups are definitely more frequent and last longer. That's the thing, marriage and kids are in our plans but the thoughts of christenings/wedding etc seems so very hard and nearly impossible at this stage!

Irish_Elect_Eng

hed wrote: »

He had asked me what I wanted for my birthday but as it was a big birthday I said I'd let him surprise me.

Yes, you are overreacting.

Many people don't like the whole, "surprise me" game, it is like a test of how much you love me or how much you are paying attention to hints, often beloved by people that like drama.

He asked you, you could have answered honestly saying "I want an engagement ring" That seems to be the real issue here, that he is not meeting your peers and family expectation of the time-line for putting a ring on it.

In my relationship, I buy my wife about 10 x more presents than she buys me and when she want to buy me a present she asks what I want / need ( or sometimes she asks the kids as well). I never take either the low frequency or lack of creativity of my wife's gift giving to mean anything other than she is not good at gift giving. Material things while nice, are trivial and not a bellwether for the health of a relationship. She invests her time in our relationship and our family and showers us with gifts worth far more than presents.

If you equate gifts with your partners love and cannot separate material from other aspects of the relationship, then let him go, you don't really deserve him.

jameorahiely

Your complaint starts off with not getting a birthday present and by the end it's because he didn't propose. You then say he bought you dinner that night. You are just back from a four week holiday and are complaining about nothing arranged for a weekend away (it's a week away there's still time for booking)
I would say you are over reacting on this one. Material presents are not the be all and end all of relationships

LegacyUser

Gifts are not the be all and end all, that's true. But when there is something wrong in a relationship that is hard to pinpoint, things like this assume greater importance. He didn't make a special effort to celebrate your 30th birthday. You wouldn't have cared about a gift if he had made other gestures. A glass of champagne at dinner, a special toast, a big Happy Birthday hug first thing in the morning, something in any way special. It's not the gift, it's the thought. I still think not getting on with family is the real issue here though.

LegacyUser

You say you were upset that he didn't get you a present at the time of your birthday and he said he'd get you something on holiday but when you say 'quite upset' what do you mean? Did you speak to him about it?

TBH I think if it were me I'd feel like such a lucky person to be on a 4 week holiday with my partner and to have my birthday during that, I wouldn't be expecting a present.

You also said it's getting to you about people asking about a ring? Why is that? Do you want to get engaged? or are you embarrassed he hasn't asked you or what is it?
If you'd love to tell them to F off then why don't you do that? or in nicer terms? Surely that's better than letting it affect your relationship!

You talked about booking the a break away in Ireland when you came home so that would have been a good few weeks ago, have you brought it up with him again or are you quietly stewing over the fact that nothing has been booked?

Dark Phoenix

If you still want to go away next weekend, take the lead and ask him if he would still like to go and then book something together, this waiting around for him to do it and getting thick when he doesn't wont help anyone. As ye were away on your birthday I think its understandable enough that he didnt have a present when you were there. Next time something is coming up why not ask for something specific or give a few ideas of what you would like? The whole 'surprise' thing can seriously backfire - I know two guys who hate when their partner does it, in one case its because he did attempt to surprise an ex years ago and she hated what he bought.
The situation with your parents is just bizarre - sad to think they are judging th 'class' of someone they have never met - do they deem him to beneath you and them because of where he is from, his wealth or what he does? if so thats awful. if they met him in person would they be likely tobe rude to his face or would they be more polite and maybe get to know him?

Clampdown

Funny how this guy got judged by your parents on his lack of class while you're pissed off for not getting a gift ON TOP OF a holiday to Asia.

SarahMollie

Clampdown wrote: »

Funny how this guy got judged by your parents on his lack of class while you're pissed off for not getting a gift ON TOP OF a holiday to Asia.

This is a totally unfair post, and really unhelpful to the OP who I'm sure didnt come here to hear smart arse remarks like the above.

It sounds to be like the OP is at her wits end with her parents attitude but is still not letting it effect her choice in partner. What more can she do? Some people are just ignorant and its especially unfortunate if they happen to be your parents. This alone is a really tough position to be in.

Also, you make it sound like he paid for their holiday - but she said they funded the whole thing 50/50. I also didnt see anywhere that she said that she wanted a birthday present that cost €X, she simply said that not getting anything hurt her feelings. Some people are sentimental and treasure gifts from loved ones regardless of their monetary value. I get the impression that if her BF had even picked up a token gift from a market stall of whatever, this post would never have been written.

silverharp

I don't think we ever did birthday gifts , its always been a meal out to celebrate each other's birthday. Maybe just let it go, if the OP's other half had been on explaining the issue I might say, "well if it means that much to her get her something". As you were on holidays he might just be thinking why? its just something else to carry around get stolen etc.

SarahMollie

silverharp wrote: »

I don't think we ever did birthday gifts , its always been a meal out to celebrate each other's birthday. Maybe just let it go, if the OP's other half had been on explaining the issue I might say, "well if it means that much to her get her something". As you were on holidays he might just be thinking why? its just something else to carry around get stolen etc.

I agree - its totally about whats normal in your relationship. I'm assuming the OP got presents for previous birthdays and thats why this is sticking out - also the fact that 30 is a bit of a milestone birthday can't have helped.

I think the OP is ok to be a bit miffed, but also needs to keep an eye on proportionality. This is just one instance in an otherwise good relationship (so we're told) so maybe if she just tells him that the whole thing has hurt her feelings, but leaves it at that.

homerjay2005

OP, you sound like high maintenance and a bunny boiler with some of your comments.

and quite frankly, this is the first time ive ever heard of a relationship lasting 3 years where parents dont like somebody that they have not even met. you mention class, which gives impression that perhaps you come from a wealthy background and maybe he doesnt. if you are willing to marry him, yet have such a big problem that you are carrying a grudge for 3 months over a birthday present, then maybe your parents are correct and there is a difference in your "class"....your expecations in life seem different to less realistic to his.

if i was him, id run a mile.