What constitutes as cheating in a marraige ?

DaisyDLady

What do people class as "Cheating"

I will proberly go into more detail as to why i ask , but for a start id just like peoples opinions

Thanks

racso1975

There are so many ways to cheat!! Emotional physical financial etc etc added to that everyone and everybody has a different line in the sand that they draw.

Like the post about flirting when out. Some people would consider that a form of cheating and others not.

You do kind of need to give us the picture first. Sorry

DaisyDLady

If u were to find out ur husband was recievein snap chats from 10+ ladies.

I cant say weather he is or isint sending snapchats back. Joys of snapchat.

Am i right in feeling like ive just been hit by a train.

And no i wasnt "snoopin" on his phone.
Our 3 year old daughtor had his phone and i took it of her. And she was in snapchat where there was a list of unopened snaps from all women.

helimachoptor

really depends on whats in the snaps tbh..

Of my friends that are on it the snaps are

-Food
- Drink
- Pub/club scenes
- kids

DaisyDLady

There was none of the above ,

And being honest i think its a 2nd account. Because there was no sign of any snaps from "our friends"

Tasden

I don't have set black and white rules about "cheating" but I do expect that partners behave the same way in my absence as they would if I was sitting beside them. And I behave in such a way too. So if a partner did something behind my back that they know I would not like or that they actively tried to keep from me I would feel betrayed.

Ursus Horribilis

It's definitely inappropriate. Whether it's cheating or not, I couldn't say. But I would not be one bit happy if I was in your shoes. I think if it was me, I'd go to him and say "Mary had your phone the other day and when I was taking it it off her I couldn't help but notice that you'd received snapchats from a load of women" and leave it at that. See what he has to say for himself.

WhoWhatWhere

Just mention it... It's not that big of a deal if they aren't inappropriate really

dudara

@Buck Turgidson - I've removed your post as it was off-topic and not providing any advice to the OP. Please read the forum charter before posting again so that you understand PI/RI better.

dudara

Minera

Just outright ask him who are the girls snap chatting him? If you are afraid of his reaction to you looking at his phone ask him why is he avoiding the question.
I'd say it's innocent enough though snap chat is basically a way to show people pics of themselves with stupid flowers on their head or wearing dog noses

Colser

If you ask him OP then he's aware of your suspicions and will delete everything on his phone that might be "cheating".I'm not saying that he is but it's advice I wish that I had been given before my ex knew I was on to him.

Maybe follow up on it more before you say anything is all I'm saying or you risk everything being denied.

Ursus Horribilis

Colser wrote: »

If you ask him OP then he's aware of your suspicions and will delete everything on his phone that might be "cheating".I'm not saying that he is but it's advice I wish that I had been given before my ex knew I was on to him.

Maybe follow up on it more before you say anything is all I'm saying or you risk everything being denied.

Good point. Maybe hold your fire for now and keep an eye on things. See how he behaves around his phone and that sort of thing. It could be something or it could be nothing. I would still ask the question though at some stage.

arayess

DaisyDLady wrote: »

If u were to find out ur husband was recievein snap chats from 10+ ladies.

I cant say weather he is or isint sending snapchats back. Joys of snapchat.

Am i right in feeling like ive just been hit by a train.

And no i wasnt "snoopin" on his phone.
Our 3 year old daughtor had his phone and i took it of her. And she was in snapchat where there was a list of unopened snaps from all women.

are they real life women? or porno women?

if they are regular ladies he is flirting with then yes it's cheating but probably not as bad as an actual affair but bad behaviour nonetheless.
You should talk about it and lay out rules and solve your problems one way or another.

if they are porn or glamour model types sending out snapchats to their followers ..then it's harmless sh1te. I wouldn't get upset.


its a relationship you are in, you need to discuss what you both think is ok and what isn't and have an agree (or not !)

njs030

Minera wrote: »

Just outright ask him who are the girls snap chatting him? If you are afraid of his reaction to you looking at his phone ask him why is he avoiding the question.
I'd say it's innocent enough though snap chat is basically a way to show people pics of themselves with stupid flowers on their head or wearing dog noses

Do you really think an app that deletes all evidence after being viewed is used for "innocent enough" reasons? Seriously?
Yeah those filters exist but it's just another part of snapchat.

Op did you open the messages? If not how do you know what the content was?
Maybe ask to view his friends list and see who he contacts the most, some people save their conversations you could see if that has been done too.

Tasden

notjustsweet wrote: »

Do you really think an app that deletes all evidence after being viewed is used for "innocent enough" reasons? Seriously?
Yeah those filters exist but it's just another part of snapchat.

Op did you open the messages? If not how do you know what the content was?
Maybe ask to view his friends list and see who he contacts the most, some people save their conversations you could see if that has been done too.

Plenty of people only use it for innocent reasons. It's become another method of communication just like whatsapp.

Minera

notjustsweet wrote: »

Do you really think an app that deletes all evidence after being viewed is used for "innocent enough" reasons? Seriously?

If he is cheating why would he let his daughter play with his phone.
TBH my first reaction would be is to ask my husband straight out. If I thought he was lying I'd tell him. It would he up to him then to regain the trust. Sneaking about, spying and 'say nothing' in case he deletes evidence is b******t
Call him out on it then see his reaction go with your gut then

pookie82

DaisyDLady wrote: »

If u were to find out ur husband was recievein snap chats from 10+ ladies.

I cant say weather he is or isint sending snapchats back. Joys of snapchat.

Am i right in feeling like ive just been hit by a train.

And no i wasnt "snoopin" on his phone.
Our 3 year old daughtor had his phone and i took it of her. And she was in snapchat where there was a list of unopened snaps from all women.

Still hard to give an opinion until we know what the content of the snaps was, i.e. were they topless shots, selfies, in any way suggestive? Were they the kinds of photos that would invite a raunchy reply?

Or were they text chats asking about work, or food snaps of them out to dinner and showing off their steak?

Do you know the women? Are they all strangers? Colleagues? Family friends?

Context is everything.

njs030

Tasden wrote: »

Plenty of people only use it for innocent reasons. It's become another method of communication just like whatsapp.

Oh I know that and agree with you but I think writing it off as it must be innocent is as bad as deciding he must be guilty.

A list of unknown women's names would trigger anyone's suspicion and isn't quite the same as using it to talk to your friends. Op has said she didn't recognise anyone.

gaynorvader

If it is a second account and the snaps are explicit, it's the same as looking at porn. Whether you consider that cheating or not is an issue you need to decide between yourself and your OH.

Tasden

notjustsweet wrote: »

Oh I know that and agree with you but I think writing it off as it must be innocent is as bad as deciding he must be guilty.

A list of unknown women's names would trigger anyone's suspicion and isn't quite the same as using it to talk to your friends. Op has said she didn't recognise anyone.

True but even looking at racy pictures may be considered "innocent" in many relationships.
They could be glamour model type women and he views their "stories" (my ignorance of the app is showing here) and it's not a big deal.

I didn't really want to cloud ops perspective on things by giving my own opinion in my first post, but the fact it's multiple women to me says it's not an affair and is more just viewing aesthetically pleasing pictures of attractive women.. to put it nicely. But if op views that as a betrayal that's up to her to decide yknow?

Having said that my whatsapp conversations are a list of men. If I was in a relationship it may worry my partner, when in reality it is nothing sexual, it is purely friendly chat, most of it boring or football/work/TV related. Two males did ask me to get snapchat as that's what they use, and I can assure you op they did not expect or want to see NSFW pictures of me, it's just the app they use most! So it's not always suspicious, but if it's something you're uncomfortable with then you need to do something about it- talk to him.

retro:electro

Were they direct snaps or in his story section op? I doubt any famous glamour women would be sending him direct snaps. If they were in his story section I'd think it's fairly innocent and he's just having a look at pretty women. Engaging with them in direct snaps is another story.

brickmauser

DaisyDLady wrote: »

What do people class as "Cheating"

I will proberly go into more detail as to why i ask , but for a start id just like peoples opinions

Thanks

Playful innocent banter is fine. Sending romantic flirty texts, cards and gifts, romantic get togethers, kissing and of course sex is not.

LegacyUser

Minera wrote: »

If he is cheating why would he let his daughter play with his phone.

People do that all the time amazingly enough, leave evidence everywhere where any family member could see it!


Back to the OP

I suppose I would consider anything that's one on one that someone gets a little thrill out of but wouldn't want their partner to know about would have the potential to cause harm to the relationship.

I think anyone could have a little flirt or something on a night out maybe and it gives them a small little ego boost and that's the end of it but if it becomes something they are relying on all the time for a little thrill or some excitement ie. flirty messages with other people then it's something I would personally consider cheating

jimmycrackcorm

Tasden wrote:

I don't have set black and white rules about "cheating" but I do expect that partners behave the same way in my absence as they would if I was sitting beside them. And I behave in such a way too. So if a partner did something behind my back that they know I would not like or that they actively tried to keep from me I would feel betrayed.

A lot depends on perspective though. Years ago I had a very jealous GF who would go mad at me if she thought I was looking at other women.

The day I nearly knocked two over in my car as they crossed the road while I tried not to look at them told me enough about behaviour sitting beside her never mind behind her back.

Tasden

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

A lot depends on perspective though. Years ago I had a very jealous GF who would go mad at me if she thought I was looking at other women.

The day I nearly knocked two over in my car as they crossed the road while I tried not to look at them told me enough about behaviour sitting beside her never mind behind her back.

Well that's obviously unhealthy behaviour. Either way though in that case, he would still be aware that certain behaviour would not be acceptable in her eyes. If he is still with her he is actively choosing to be in a relationship where certain things are not ok according to the girlfriend, and if he doesn't agree with this he should end the relationship rather than do those things behind her back. The betrayal would lay with the other party and so it is up to them to voice that it is not ok in their eyes, but if they can't agree on what is wrong and right in the relationship then they're hardly on the same page or compatible in the first place.

gsi300024v

Freud would say he might in some way like the risk of you finding out and or want you to find out. Is it a passive aggressive thing, I heard of one man who hid a secret phone down his sock would be fb ing and snapping women. One thing for sure, if he says that you just happened to find it the one time he did it, BS!

Airyfairy12

If you feel the need to hide it from your partner, then its cheating.

leggo

Minera wrote: »

If he is cheating why would he let his daughter play with his phone.
TBH my first reaction would be is to ask my husband straight out. If I thought he was lying I'd tell him. It would he up to him then to regain the trust. Sneaking about, spying and 'say nothing' in case he deletes evidence is b******t
Call him out on it then see his reaction go with your gut then

While it's great that you and your husband obviously have the open, honest relationship that your approach would work with, many others don't (have a ready around this forum for some horror stories in this regard), so that's actually a poor approach. Approaching someone who has lied to you about something with no evidence is a good way to continue to get lied to. Once you find something that you weren't expecting (and if I'm not mistaken, he has a secret, second Snapchat account, which has major alarm bells ringing), then you've learned that the person you thought you trusted IS willing to lie to you and have to act accordingly, because you've no reason whatsoever to believe that confronting them will lead to you getting the truth. So before you make any confrontation or grand accusations, you need to know what you're actually accusing them of.

The best thing you can do (in any situation) when you know someone is lying to you is to say nothing play dumb, as you'll learn much more about them with your fresh eyes than you would listening to their already non-credible words. Even if you never know the truth, you'll learn how they lie to you, how they really feel about you, how much they respect you etc, and you can act on that without needing to know the full facts.

With regards to this particular situation:

Forget about the concept cheating for a second. ANY relationship needs trust to work. Once someone lies to you about anything, that trust is wounded (perhaps fatally depending on the extent and intent of the lie). For me, once it's established that a person will lie to me, regardless of what else they're doing, I can't be with them. I won't forgive and forget and I won't be able to relax or be happy around them, or even worse when I'm not with them, so that's that. Whether they were with someone else or not is irrelevant really. The lie is the problem.

But that's me. For now you need to find out what the lie is and, when you do, if it's something you can forgive and recover from and, crucially, if this person can rebuild your full trust.

JustAThought

DaisyDLady wrote: »

If u were to find out ur husband was recievein snap chats from 10+ ladies.

I cant say weather he is or isint sending snapchats back. Joys of snapchat.

Am i right in feeling like ive just been hit by a train.

And no i wasnt "snoopin" on his phone.
Our 3 year old daughtor had his phone and i took it of her. And she was in snapchat where there was a list of unopened snaps from all women.

Just to say, I had the app - wanted to see what this was all about & downliaded it. Couldn't figure out how to work it so jyst left it. Over the summer from time to time thought I had left my cellular data turned on & that FB or youtube was running as I heard random beeping & wobbly noises from my lhone that wern't email or text notifications - turns out - MANY months later - I had been recieving snap 'texts' and photos from people who had sent me messages to this app I never knew were there and no they wern't friends of mine or even from Ireland. I found out after a few misunderstandings & mix up's with a friend who told me they had sent me messages on my whatsapp & thought I had got them - I never even knew they had my phone number & certainly didn't list them or link/friend them on whats app. I get similar junk into my email account where Mr Google kindly just puts it into spam for me, but to a stranger reading my junk file I would look like a sex starved penis enlarger needing Nigerian pauper who spends all their time on shopping channels for Russian brides.

So this could be ENTIRELY innocent , from my experience.

I would ask my husband/partner as part of our nurturing lifelong commitment & partnership to each other before I asked strangers in the internet who base their responses on their bad past experiences & I would trust his reply - particularly given the spam factor impossible to seperate from most modern day apps.

littlemouse22

Tasden wrote: »

I don't have set black and white rules about "cheating" but I do expect that partners behave the same way in my absence as they would if I was sitting beside them. And I behave in such a way too. So if a partner did something behind my back that they know I would not like or that they actively tried to keep from me I would feel betrayed.

I think this is the best advice on cheating. I most definitely would love to think my partner would act the same way in my absence as they would if I was there. Otherwise it's all a fake portray for you.