Sleeping with someone I know??

LegacyUser

Eugh, Im so withered! I just don't understand.

I was with a guy for a few months, it was a pretty intense relationship. We were completely besotted with each other and neither of us had a relationship this intense before (in our 30s!). After what I think was too much time together followed by a holiday together, it got too much and we broke up.

Roll on a few weeks and we start to slowly see each other again. He mentioned wanting to see other people while we figured out what was going on with us which made me uncomfortable. We continued seeing each other and things were going great so we decided to give it another shot but then he said "he had to be honest with me" and told me he slept with a friend of mine, a girl out of my yoga class

He said it happened when he thought we were over forever but i later found out that was a lie (he slept with her 24 hours after sleeping with me) - so he bent the truth so it would make him look good.

I had to end it, I dont doubt for one minute that he loves me but this crap is just... eugh, I mean, Im in my 30s, Im not a teenager. I can't be in a relationship where someone would hurt me in that way.

He had mentioned during the relationship that he is not really sexually possessive but cmon!!! He slept with my friend. He just didn't seem to understand why I was so hurt by this. I just dont understand why he would do this? I can understand what goes through a mans head in this situation?

Ursus Horribilis

Well, technically he did nothing wrong. You were broken up and he was entitled to sleep with whoever he wanted. Having said that, it begs the question about how committed he was to you. It's irrelevant whether he slept with your sister or your friend or some random woman he picked up in a bar. He wanted to keep his options open and that's ringing alarm bells. I wonder are you projecting some of your thoughts onto him. You say he loves you but maybe he doesn't really.

LegacyUser

Yeah maybe I am projecting.... And I know "technically" he didn't do anything wrong but not taking into the emotional impact it would have is where I get confused.

Yeah I guess he just lied about how committed he was to me

beks101

Oh it's all so dramatic. The intense fling, sleeping with your mate, crawling back but still wanting to mess around with other women, the big confession. What makes you so convinced this guy is in love with you? I don't recognise any of these things as love or care or consideration for someone you feel strongly for.

He sounds like a messer to be honest. A totally immature headwrecker who wants to have his cake and eat it. What kind of person sleeps with their (barely) ex partner's friend 24 hours after they've been intimate with her? 24 hours like?? Ick. Gross. Not the kind of man who cares about you or your feelings or your friendships. Doesn't say much for your friend either I'm afraid. Do you want this kind of person in your life?

You're in your 30s. You know a red flag when you see one. This one is draped in them, from the dramatics to the hideous betrayal to the grand declarations and the lack of commitment. You've met this guy before. The guy who rushes in and can't get enough of you and makes your head spin until your phone goes radio silent. And then reappears five months later with more grand declarations. Did you meet him on tinder? This time your emotions are completely clouding your judgement to not be able to see your arse from your elbow, but you're worth more than this and you'll never trust this fella as far as you can throw him.

Cut yourself a break here and walk away, no contact even to tell him it's what you're doing. Give your brain a chance to catch up. You're just wasting valuable time and energy at this stage.

LegacyUser

Oh don't worry, I dumped him last week when I found all this out. I know I'm worth ten million times more than that bolox

LegacyUser

Oh dont worry, I ended it as soon as I found out he was lying. I guess I just wanted to know why someone would do this.

LegacyUser

Why would he do this? Because he has options, he has an ego that needs to be fed.. He knows you're looking for commitment and he also knows he can sleep with lots of women. He's not in a place nor wants to be where he has to just be with you. All the intensity of your relationship is just shallow lust, no depth to it, love takes (a lot of) time, patience, consistency, building trust, and yes it's a bit more boring but it's also more real and true. This 'in love' thing was just an illusion. If they're rushing things at the start they don't care about you. It's fun for them but nothing more.

pookie82

Ah come on, sleeping with someone else, ok maybe. With her mate?? No one needs that drama.

SarahMollie

Just because he didnt technically cheat, doesn't mean the OP doesnt have absolute cause to wash her hands of this clown. She sounds like she wants a nice, normal healthy relationship, and this guy is waving a multitude of red flags right in her face. She'd be a fool to ignore them.

- he slept with her friend - this is never ok.
- he slept with her friend 24 hours after sleeping wtih her - gross, and not becoming of people in their 30's.
- he said he wanted to try figure things out but still keep his options open - he was not serious about the OP, he just wanted his cake and to eat it too.

When someone really wants to work things out, they give it all their focus. This man-child is no loss to you OP, move on and forget about him.

LegacyUser

Withered wrote: »

I dont doubt for one minute that he loves me

Really? Well you should doubt it, 'cos he doesn't and if you think he does then you need to redefine love for yourself. The idea that he didn't do anything wrong by sleeping with someone 24 hours after you is nonsense. If the relationship meant anything, then he wouldn't have done it. The idea that there is a "technical" right and wrong here is emotionally disingenuous at best, but really it's complete bull and just excusing his behaviour. I would say that saying he wanted to see other people means he was already sleeping with someone else or at least in the final stages of making it happens, so he had to set it up so that he could claim he did nothing wrong.

That said, you should have seen and heeded the red flags long before that, it's all been uncommitted, full of excuses and making you an option, not a priority, which you seem to have played along with in spite of being uncomfortable. He shouldn't treat you badly, but you shouldn't allow him to either.