Pressure of Funerals

Ben Gadot

I'm sure I'm not alone in this but I just wanted to share my thoughts. At Christmas it will be a year since my father passed away suddenly. Obviously it was a difficult time for it to happen but I think I handled it as well as I could have. I didn't let it effect my job even though it would have been easy to do (another poor girl went through something similar and packed it in eventually). I continued with my exams and successfully passed them.

But the one thing that I think aged me years alone was the funeral. My oul fella wasn't a religious man so we had a humanist ceremony, but I found it to be much of a muchness. You're still on show for the day, and you're still expected to give a eulogy, which I'm not afraid to say that I made a total balls of it. Broke down completely.

It bothers me so much that day, I mean there was one idiot who came up to me and my two brothers after it and said well done to them on their speeches, while he just looked at me awkwardly.

I think it's the social expectation of how a man should conduct himself when bereaved that bothers me. I'm not ashamed of trying to speak even though I'm not the best at public displays. I tried, while I think others don't at all because they're afraid of exactly what happened to me.

As I said, I think I've handled bereavement as well as one could bar the odd weekend binge, but that day will stay with me for the rest of my life, and not for the reasons it should.

Metric Tensor

I've no great words of help OP but fair play to you for doing what you felt was best at the time.

I'm sure your father would have been proud.

Don't feel bad about finding the speech/eulogy tough - anybody with an ounce of cop on knows you were brave and clearly close to your father.

km991148

You can't make a complete balls of it. Every one reacts differently when someone dies and most people understand that. That person was an idiot.

Stop focusing on that one part of the funeral. Playing it over and focusing on it will not help.

Your father passing is terrible enough and on top its already an emotional time of the year and you showed it. There is not a thing wrong with that.

Sorry for your loss, especially coming up to that time of year again.

Ben Gadot

Thanks lads, I appreciate your words. I wasn't letting it get to me for a while but of course, the quicker we get to Christmas the more its on my mind.

I know it's silly to focus on it, it just helps to vent about it. One thing I've taken from it is that I know myself better now, if something doesn't sit right with me, I'm not going to jump into it because it's expected of me.

Skihunta13

Ben Gadot wrote: »

I'm sure I'm not alone in this but I just wanted to share my thoughts. At Christmas it will be a year since my father passed away suddenly. Obviously it was a difficult time for it to happen but I think I handled it as well as I could have. I didn't let it effect my job even though it would have been easy to do (another poor girl went through something similar and packed it in eventually). I continued with my exams and successfully passed them.

But the one thing that I think aged me years alone was the funeral. My oul fella wasn't a religious man so we had a humanist ceremony, but I found it to be much of a muchness. You're still on show for the day, and you're still expected to give a eulogy, which I'm not afraid to say that I made a total balls of it. Broke down completely.

It bothers me so much that day, I mean there was one idiot who came up to me and my two brothers after it and said well done to them on their speeches, while he just looked at me awkwardly.

I think it's the social expectation of how a man should conduct himself when bereaved that bothers me. I'm not ashamed of trying to speak even though I'm not the best at public displays. I tried, while I think others don't at all because they're afraid of exactly what happened to me.

As I said, I think I've handled bereavement as well as one could bar the odd weekend binge, but that day will stay with me for the rest of my life, and not for the reasons it should.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I guarantee you are the only one that thinks you made a balls of it. As for the awkwardness, you just lost your father and we're taking it very bad. A lot of people are not equipped to talk to someone that is that heart broken. You done yourself proud and you done your dad proud. Nothing to feel ashamed about.

Big Bag of Chips

My friend died in a car crash. Her husband stood up at her funeral and tried to speak about her. He got a few sentences out at broke down. (Completely naturally) Her sister got up and stood beside him, I think she was going to attempt to finish what he had written to say, but with her there he carried on. He struggled through the entire thing. There was not one person left in the church who wasn't crying. I was sitting beside a man in his 80s who had tears just streaming down his face. Its an awful time. Not one person was judging her husband. Everyone was devastated for him, and knew exactly how difficult it was to speak to a full church about her.

I think people don't think what you think they think! Most people would think "fair play to him, because I couldn't do it". I know its something I couldn't do, and I always have great admiration for anyone who stands up in front of a crowd of people at that awful time. It doesn't matter if you're perfectly composed or breakdown. You'd still have my admiration, and my sympathy at your loss.

Funerals, unfortunately, are a necessary evil. Friends and neighbours and acquaintances who hold your dad, and your mam, and your siblings and you, in high regard want to be there for you. But yes, it is exhausting.

Try not to dwell too much on what happened the day of the funeral. Nobody else is.

Stopped Clock

Every funeral is different. I've been to some where no relative stood up on the altar at all. Others, a relative just stands up on the alter, thanks a few people and leaves it at that. That's what we chose with my mum's funeral. We wrote up something for the local Parish Priest and he took bits from it when talking about her. I'm not religious but I thought he was wonderful. My dad got up at the end, thanked the people who needed to be thanked, told the congregation where we would be laying on food and that was that. We were so cut up that nobody from the immediate family did readings or prayers. I don't think anybody should do something they don't want at a funeral. If they don't want music, then have no music. No eulogy, then have no eulogy. The people who go to the funeral are there to pay their respects, not to critique the ceremony.

Back to Ben. I'm sorry for your loss. Please don't be hard on yourself over breaking down. I've heard a few stories of people who had to be helped down off the alter because they couldn't keep going. I don't think anybody is going to judge you over what happened. Or indeed, is thinking about it at this stage. Being distraught is part and parcel of what happens over those awful few days and anybody who has been through it themselves will understand that. People say the dumbest of things at funerals and I heard a few doozies at my mum's. The only funeral I can remember clearly is my mum's one. All the other ones I've been to have melted into one and I couldn't tell you a thing about them.

Ben Gadot

I'd have a similar thought Stopped Clock on the funerals I've been to. Before my dad there were probably 3 funerals I remember little specific moments, one in particular was a mirror to my situation: a friend lost her father and she, the youngest, gave the eulogy and it was amazing. It was amazing to me at the time and even more amazing once I went through my own experience.

I made sure to tell her that as well. Mine was just a haze that I wanted to rush through, like I had nothing prepared, thought it be better for it to be from the heart.

Avatar MIA

I think breaking down during a eulogy is the correct reaction at a funeral. And I think the person that gave you the "awkward look" wasn't being judgemental they were simply awkward because they thought there was nothing they could say.

You did your dad proud, and I can assure you no normal thinking person thought less of you.

Ben Gadot

Avatar MIA wrote: »

I think breaking down during a eulogy is the correct reaction at a funeral. And I think the person that gave you the "awkward look" wasn't being judgemental they were simply awkward because they thought there was nothing they could say.

You did your dad proud, and I can assure you no normal thinking person thought less of you.

If it was someone else the last thing I'd be doing is judging, I'd be thinking fair play to them while my heart was breaking for them, so I know how irrational I'm being.

It's just difficult for me, being in such a weakened state in front of so many people.

GreenFolder2

It's a grieving process, not a public performance.
Everyone handles it differently.

You correctly identified the person who came up as an idiot!

LynnGrace

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. It was a very natural reaction on your part, and I guarantee you that nobody thinks any less of you for it. And neither should you. Nobody will remember it as anything other than a sign of how much you loved your dad.
It's coming up to the anniversary now, so of course it is on your mind.

Sometimes focusing on or noticing something that happened on the day can be a means of unconsciously distracting ourselves from the real pain of loss. I hope that makes sense.

As time goes on, the funeral itself will be less important in your mind, and memories will start to surface that help. Memories of times you had together, things he said and did that make you smile. Things you notice in yourself or other members of the family that you will know that you inherited from him.

Once again, my sincere condolences. Take care of yourself.

9or10

Ben sorry for your loss. I think you did well getting up there.

I'd just add something my Dad said to my Mum, shortly before he died when they were talking about their own funerals.

If you go first, it will be the worst day of my life. Just get throught it the best you can.

DivineMsM

Please be gentle with yourself. Its not easy but try. I am sorry for your loss.

Ridiculous story but might help. My mum passed away in May. I had my daughters communion a week before and my nails were in sh**e cause of stress so I went to a local beautician and said 'sort them out' she gave me what can only be described as long, pointy red talons. (secretly I loved them felt like a Kardashian). They needed to be removed by the beautician, so I intended going back in a couple weeks to get them removed, Then my mum passed away fairly suddenly (she was terminally ill but it was a sudden death all the same). So there I was going to her funeral with these bright red shiny nails. I was stressing about it and trying to find the time to go get them removed. I felt they were totally inappropriate for a funeral, and worse, looked like they were just newly painted- as if I had stayed up the night before her funeral to pait my nails pillar box red. My lovely dad looked at me and just said 'What would Peggy (my mum) think?' Answer- she wouldn't give a crap, she would understand. In fact she would probably laugh at me.

Moral of the story- your dad will understand. He wont judge. You did your best.

And- I mean this most respectfully- nobody will remember this situation except you. You see it as a failure of some sort on your part. It wasnt. YOU DID YOUR BEST. And its a testament to you and your feelings and your relationship with your dad that you got upset.
Let it go. Xmas will be difficult enough without beating yourself up.

Ben Gadot

It's getting close to his anniversary now.

I'm OK right now, but a big part of the struggle over the last year is that I've begun to look inward. There's people I've hurt over the last few years that I'd love to make things right with.

But I know I can't, and I know emotional blackmail is a horrible thing. Just can't believe how stupid I've been. It seems to be a recurring thing in my life that anyone I've let close to me I've driven away.

I used to console myself with the thought that all I needed was my dad who was best friend, but now obviously I can't do that.

All I can hope is that I've grown up and that I won't hurt anyone again.

Tell me how

Ben Gadot wrote:

There's people I've hurt over the last few years that I'd love to make things right with.

But I know I can't, and I know emotional blackmail is a horrible thing. Just can't believe how stupid I've been. It seems to be a recurring thing in my life that anyone I've let close to me I've driven away.

All I can hope is that I've grown up and that I won't hurt anyone again.

You could reach out to those people and tell them you miss them.
You could apologize once if anything you did upset them or caused ye to fall out but no need to try too much to analyse why it happened.

Hope you don't find the anniversary too difficult.

Lucuma

Ben Gadot wrote: »

It's getting close to his anniversary now.

I'm OK right now, but a big part of the struggle over the last year is that I've begun to look inward. There's people I've hurt over the last few years that I'd love to make things right with.

But I know I can't, and I know emotional blackmail is a horrible thing. Just can't believe how stupid I've been. It seems to be a recurring thing in my life that anyone I've let close to me I've driven away.

I used to console myself with the thought that all I needed was my dad who was best friend, but now obviously I can't do that.

All I can hope is that I've grown up and that I won't hurt anyone again.

I couldn't read this and not reply.
Ben you poor thing. You're carrying an awful lot around with you there. Would you consider going for some bereavement counselling?
I know what it's like to lose a Dad who was your best friend :-(
Coming up to 1 year anniversary here too.
The world is a different place without a strong person (who loves you unconditionally) like that in your corner that's for sure. I mean who will ever love us again the way our parent's loved us? Life is not the same and it will never be the same again.

About pushing people away that you hurt, you are young and you have plenty of time to make up for this in your future relationships. It sounds like you're on a personal journey and you'll get there. I wish you lots of love and light

Ben Gadot

Thank you for your words Lucuma, I appreciate it them.

I've considered counselling before but not sure how I feel about it. I feel I've gotten myself on the right track slowly this year and now just have to rebuild.

I do think talking to someone will help me with my confidence right now.

nuckeythompson

I hadn't the balls to do a eulogy at my father's funeral, as I was a total mess. I would like to turn it back and at least try. You did it and that's what matters. Fair play to you. Be proud you could show the emotion, shows you have a heart.

Ben Gadot

I can look back now and say I'm glad I tried and would have been annoyed if I didn't try forever.

I've never been good at putting on a show. For better or worse, I've always been an open book.

But I know now that it's OK to be like that as long as it doesn't hinder me in my day to day.

irishfrench

Ben Gadot wrote: »

I can look back now and say I'm glad I tried and would have been annoyed if I didn't try forever.

I've never been good at putting on a show. For better or worse, I've always been an open book.

But I know now that it's OK to be like that as long as it doesn't hinder me in my day to day.

Hi Ben,

My father passed away in January, unexpectedly. I was always Daddy's girls and then somehow we drifted so far apart and things changed he went on such a downward spiral I couldn't save him from.

My only reason to write this is because I did a eulogy at his funeral, my brother held my hand at the altar, I was loud and clear, I read what I had written from my heart that morning at 5am while breastfeeding my 2 week old baby...and funny how when I think of that eulogy I feel like my voice sounded cold and emotionless because I wasn't crying, I was numb...my father's family didn't tell us he was sick in hospital, they tried to control everything and resorted to really making us feel awful about everything I'm so sad and hurt.

I just mean that because I didn't cry at the altar people probably thing I didn't care but oh that's so far from the truth. And, if I was to cry then I would be feeling the same feelings as you.

There is just no pleasing people. Only being at peace with ourselves