Am I over thinking this?

LegacyUser

How acceptable is it to just directly ask a guy you're seeing (exclusively at this stage) if he's actually that interested in you?

I'm 25, he's 26. We've been seeing each other for over two months now, talked about being exclusive about two weeks ago. I brought it up.

If I don't text him first, he generally doesn't take the initiative. We have a lovely time when we are together, but in between dates there's really not much contact. And when there is it's not even really a conversation, to be honest. It's him replying to my texts but with massive gaps and not much enthusiasm that I can tell. And then just vanishing.

I don't text him during the day because he's at work, but if I leave it to him, we wouldn't talk for days at a time. It's kind of always me suggesting dates too. It makes me feel like he never really thinks about me and I'm imposing myself on him.

I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt as he's never had a girlfriend (although apparently there's dating, then exclusive dating, then relationship now so we're not a couple per say). I'm kind of over it now, though as I go from feeling really happy when I see him to really dejected after a week of f-all talking.

He cancelled plans we had during the week (I got us tickets to a gig a few weeks ago) as he forgot a work thing that was on. But then he said no to my alternative suggestion of meeting up this weekend and hasn't offered any other suggestions.

Am I wasting my time here? Really feeling like I'm more invested than he is even though he says he has feelings for me.

Was considering texting him about it (why do so many people dislike phone calls?) as I've no idea when we'll see each other next.

Merkin

I think you're wasting your time. If someone is interested there's usually very little question of it as they want to see you and know what you're up to and ask about your day etc. I think it's very telling that he cancelled the gig and didn't make alternative arrangements because most people, if they were keen, would be at pains to organise an alternative. Part of the thrill of dating someone/falling for someone is knowing that that person is thinking of you. It's so lovely getting random texts or a surprise call or just an acknowledgement that the other person can't wait to see you again. This guy is giving you nothing.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm surprised you've managed to get this as far as exclusive because this guy's behaviour bears all the hallmarks of someone who isn't all that interested. I'm sure I'm not the only person here who has wasted my time on someone like that and made excuses for all the things you've outlined here. The lack of contact between dates, the slow replies to dates, the uncertainty... I don't see any hope for this so my advice to you is to cut your losses and move on.

Austria!

Overthinking wrote: »

How acceptable is it to just directly ask a guy you're seeing (exclusively at this stage) if he's actually that interested in you?

Very acceptable in your case.

But in that guy's defense, I was exactly like that before, and my ideal relationship would involve no texts. And it didn't mean I wasn't interested.

But I am probably unusual, and an idiot.

Tell me how

OP, even if he is interested, his behaviour is not that which you are comfortable with. Irrespective of his true intentions you shouldn't have to settle. Cut him loose and look for someone who wants to be in a relationship with you.

Austria!

Why is everyone rushing to the break up advice? Just tell him everything you told us here and how you feel. If he doesn't give you what you want after that, then sure, break it off. But none of us are mind readers and all of us are unusual or clueless about something.

Tell me how

Austria! wrote:

Why is everyone rushing to the break up advice? Just tell him everything you told us here and how you feel. If he doesn't give you what you want after that, then sure, break it off. But none of us are mind readers and all of us are unusual or clueless about something.

That's a fair point.

HiGlo

His apparent lack of enthusiasm isn't a great start to a blossoming relationship....

You mentioned that you had a talk about exclusivity 2 weeks ago, and yet here you are 2 weeks later asking is it ok to flat out ask....... What was his response during the conversation? Was this a face to face conversation? or over text? (I believe this kind of conversation is best suited to face to face, you can promise people the world when you don't have to look them in the eye......)

You also mentioned that he hasn't had a girlfriend before so maybe have a conversation with him about his understanding of what's involved in a relationship...? He may be oblivious to your expectations (which aren't unrealistic, btw)

Having said all that, I am of the opinion that the relationships that work are the ones that happen effortlessly.....

apieceofcake

Hi OP, I was going through something similar fairly recently...texting back and forth but hardly ever meeting up (and if we did meet up it was only when he suggested it, never when I did). I'd ask him to do something and he'd either say no or make excuses.

I called him out on it and asked him what the issue was - got the same answer as you by the looks of things - 'busy in work'. I don't why I let it go on for the length I did - I suppose the chemistry, whenever we did meet, was good. But looking at your phone constantly got exhausting - and tbh I'd much prefer my own company to someone who couldn't be bothered.

I would move on if I were you. Take care

Ursus Horribilis

The OP doesn't have to take any of our advice and ditch him. But as I said earlier, it bears all the hallmarks of someone who's not interested. I'm talking here from my own experiences on both sides of the fence. If I'm not interested in someone and wish they'd go away, I behave like this guy. You can call me passive aggressive or whatever you want but that's what I do. I deliberately leave long gaps between texts so as not to encourage them. What I reply with is polite but with no "warmth" or leaving the door open for a reply. I don't initiate contact and don't make any attempts to meet them.

On the other side of the fence, this has been done to me too. It is frustrating when you like the other person but you can also sense that they're slipping away. And that if you didn't pick up the phone to call or text, you'd never hear from them again.

I don't think this guy's lack of dating experience has anything to do with it. My guess is that he's treading water for now and the OP's in the "you'll do" category. That is, until he spots someone who floats his boat more. If the OP wants to give it one last try, by all means talk to him and give it a go. But be aware of what's probably going to happen next.

SarahMollie

Hi OP,

There is an outside chance that he's clueless, so might be worth one final conversation so that you know for certain - that way if you need to leave it after that, you know you tried and you won't be left with any "what if"'s.

More likely however, is that he likes you fine, but not enough to put in any real effort. By this I mean, when he sees you, you have a perfectly nice time and he enjoys your company, but its lacking that little extra something special that really drives relationships to the next level. If this is the case then all you can do is walk away and move on to the next!