Strange Relationship with Friend

seeingpixies

About a year ago, I made a friend Patrick via work who I became incredibly friendly with. We went out often, mostly to food or to the cinema, about 99% of the time orchestrated and organised by me.
After about 10 months this started to bother me. Although he was someone who was often invited to social things, he enjoyed his own company and rarely planned anything with any of his friends. This included with me. In that 10 months he organised one thing - a midnight cinema screening for 8 people, of which I was invited. In this time, I would normally organise two things to be done a week - normally walk to a shop for lunch one day, and something else for a few hours another day.

This always made me feel very odd. It felt as though I was doing everything and made me question how much he could care. He used to always say, if you need me to do anything or expect say a gift, you have to say. I went away for business for two weeks and asked him to plan something for us to catch up sometime in the two weeks following. I was blunt as. I said I wasn't organising anything. I was free every day for the next two weeks but as time went on, I made plans with others, letting him know of each, up until I had almost no spare time. In all that time, he did nothing, reaffirming that he would "organise something".
This all came to a blow, when I told him the one day left I had free that month was a Monday and he made plans with another friend in front of me for... yup, that Monday. I walked off. I couldn't believe it, that I had asked him to do this one thing for me, and he didn't. And the thing was, I was so overly furious about it. I was so disappointed and we argued. He told me that he didn't organise plans himself because he didn't like the possibility of having to cancel said plans and so he didn't know when he would be free. I don't understand his reasoning, even now.

I have never ever fought with someone as much as I've fought with him which is odd, because I absolutely, 100% adore him. When things are good, they are amazing. But similarly, I have shed so many tears in the past few months over him.

I feel like I'm a huge part of the problem, but I don't know what to do - ie by being too demanding, by expecting things. I don't want him to change, but I feel there's gotta be some give and take in a relationship.

I don't want to be like this - I want things to work

Thanks for reading

Clampdown

Are you really just friends or what? If so, sounds like you want something more, and he doesn't.

One person likes his own company and doesn't like to make plans. The other sheds tears over cancelled plans. Doesn't sound like a great match.

I'd say he's either a lot less sensitive than you, or is trying to get you to take the hint that the relationship isn't going to go further, or both.

Merkin

Are you in love with your friend? It certainly sounds that way.

Sound Bite

Op, your post immediately made me think of the film Fatal Attraction. It has a very strong tone of obsessive intensity to it and it's unnerving. Your emotions and the crying over a friend not meeting up also seem extreme.

You post like a boyfriend/girlfriend rather than just a friend. You sound very much in love with your friend whereas it appears that he has no interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with you.

You really need to take a step back from the situation and take a good look at your emotions. Why is your self esteem wrapped up in how this person treats you? Why are you seeking validation from him? If someone has little interest in you, pursuing them, arguing and crying isn't going to change their mind. Nothing will. Rejection is difficult but you have to let it go-this appears to be consuming you.

Big Bag of Chips

He's a work colleague, a good friend. You seem to meet up and go out together more than a couple do!

Back off a bit. You might be a social butterfly who loves nothing more than going out as often as you can for random things. He has pointed out that he's not quite so social and likes his own company. There's nothing wrong with that. I'd feel very under pressure if I had a friend who insisted that I meet up with them and go out somewhere every week. And I'd be politely distancing myself from them if they ended up having a screaming fit at me and crying because I agreed plans with someone else.

You spend a lot of time with him. But he's not exclusively yours. He's entitled to not want to go out, or to go out with others too. Even if he was your boyfriend, he's still entitled to go out with people without you.

Calm down, OP. Or he will just start declining all invites from you.

Jane1012

It sounds like you have feelings for Patrick on a relationship level rather than on a friend level. I think your expectancies are too high for a friendship which is not s mutually exclusive and intimate relationship. This guy is there for you when you need him, he is just not an organiser or instigator - not all people are.
Unless I have misinterpreted and this is a romantic relationship then yes you have a somewhat justified reason - only somewhat though. I think you should take a step back and look at what you (and he) want from the relationship.

LynnGrace

OP you said I don't want him to change, but I feel there's gotta be some give and take in a relationship.

It's a friendship rather than a relationship though. And I'm not being pedantic for the sake of it.
It's frustrating when you are always the person organising to meet up or whatever with a friend. I start to wonder if the other person really wants to be bothered if I am always the one making contact and arranging to meet. And sure enough in one case, a friendship drifted away because she didn't ever make an effort, once I stopped. Neither of us made a fuss though, that's just life.

I think you want more from this than a friendship, OP. As previous posters have said, take a step back and examine your own feelings towards this guy.

seeingpixies

Thanks to you all for your words, I appreciate you taking your time out to give me a reply.
I'm not in love with him - I've thought this but really I'm not. He has nothing that I want in life, and we share none of them same paths so I am happy to have him as a friend. But as someone alluded to, I am oddly obsessive with him. I just don't know what to do about it. Going forward, how do I stop?

LegacyUser

how are things outside of work OP? do you have a happy home life? a good work-life balance? strong relationships with others? do you date/ have a partner? it sounds like you're projecting onto patrick and placing him under such strong expectations that people wouldn't normally do with a work friend and then falling to pieces when he doesnt make plans with you.

I cant help but wonder if this is really about patrick?

Big Bag of Chips

Just stop asking him to go out with you on a weekly basis! You clearly are very busy and like to have something planned for every night. You seem to have other friends so spend time with them. Some people are organisers and some people are followers. You are the organiser. Your friend might be very happy to go along to something you suggest. Just because he doesn't suggest things doesn't mean he's not bothered. If he wasn't bothered he'd make his excuses and avoid you.

I'm very easy going and I enjoy going out with friends occasionally. But I love staying in and just relaxing at home. A friend like you would suffocate me! You're not wrong by the way. You enjoy what you enjoy, but not every one is the same. You say you and he are very different, so this is just another area where you're different. He's not wrong! And he's not at fault for not organising a specific evening out with you! 2 weeks of not going out together wasn't going to be the end of the world. And your reaction to it was waaaay OTT.

You like him as a friend, so accept him as the person he his and don't try to mould him into your idea of what a friend should be.

Oh, and apologise for going a bit psycho

seeingpixies

Ye guys are stars! I've not really had a friendship like ours before but I think I really did need each one of ye laying it out for me, putting a perspective I hadn't thought about on it.

In the mean time, I have been trying to organise things with others, and will stop being so demanding of his time. I'll continue to organise, not expecting him to and cut down on how often. As you said, if he didn't care, he wouldn't hang out with me.

I do have a partner, and is why I know I'm not in love with my friend, because I absolutely adore my partner.

I am relatively new to the area - about a year, and as such although I have plenty of friends, I don't have many super close friends nearby (I say near, because I still have my secondary school close friends but we all live in separate cities).

I'll save this thread and anytime I start feeling finicky about things, I'll read over the lot again

LLMMLL

I think the reason you acted so obsessive with this guy is because his wishy-washiness drove you a bit crazy, not because you're in love with him.

I have a similar friend (and since realising how he was i spot this behaviour in a lot of people). He would never try and organise to meet but would happily meet whenever I arranged. Even though I could see he treated all his friends the same way it still felt personal. It can end up making you feel like a psycho. For instance, If I suggest meeting a friend or family member and they're busy, they'll usually suggest a time when they're free. This friend doesn't. He'll just say he's not available that night. So then you might text another time and see if he's free and for whatever reason he may not be. At this point you don't want to text a third time as you start to feel like you're a stalker and they're trying to ditch you. But the reality is this is just how this guy interacts and it's not personal.

The main thing to realise is that he will never change. You can get upset with him. Point out his flaws. Make rational arguments as to why it's rude or hurtful etc. It won't work. At least it hasn't with my friend.

The main question is can you put up with it. In my mind I basically relegated this guy from close friend to casual friend. I don't rely on his company and I don't really make that much of an effort anymore, and because I don't value his friendship as much as I used to it doesn't really bother me that he doesn't put in the effort. I think you need to do the same.

Is also say it's not really his "fault" and he's not a "bad person". There are other people who are friendly with him that aren't bothered by his lack of interest at all. It's just a different style of friendship.

Merkin

If I'm honest I find your approach to friendship really quite bizarre. Friendships should be quite organic and if I had a friend who was trying to pencil me into their diary twice a week in such a regimented fashion I'd find it a bit intense to say the least. And you are obviously intense if you admit to shedding many tears over him over the past few months. You really need to ask yourself why. You say you have a partner so you couldn't possibly be smitten with this guy but your reaction says differently. Or maybe you're at similar pains to see all of your friends on a regular basis perhaps.

Maybe try and examine why you're so obsessive about this friend. If you're honest and find you do have feelings but very much want to stay with your partner then you need to distance yourself. If you genuinely don't have feelings then you still need to expand your social circle and learn not to be quite so demanding of people's time as it would be extremely offputting to a lot of people.

Big Bag of Chips

seeingpixies wrote: »

I do have a partner, and is why I know I'm not in love with my friend, because I absolutely adore my partner.

Plenty of people fall for someone else when in a relationship! Plenty of people have affairs while claiming to love their partners. You're reasoning is a bit simplistic, and it's like you're trying to convince yourself. Does your partner know that you have cried over this fella? Does he know that you got so upset over him not arranging a night out with you? If you were my partner and I knew you were obsessed (your own words) with another man I might find it hard to believe it was just a friendship. Even your first post had most people here believing you were in a relationship. You even called it a relationship! I think your partner might be a bit upset to read your OP.

I think, if you truly love your partner it is time to relegate Patrick to a casual acquaintance. And I think he'd also be happy enough with that arrangement. You can still be friendly in work. You can even meet organise work nights out and have fun there. He doesn't have the same need that you do to fill every evening. But I think continuing the way you are is only going to lead to trouble. Do you cry if other friends aren't as available as you'd like?

You've come across very intense and a bit demanding. As Merkin says, friendships should be organic. They should naturally happen and a period of not seeing each other or not meeting up shouldn't spell such disaster. Janey! It's a long standing joke between me and my friend of 20 years that "Sure I'll see you around Christmas", because with family life and various other things months could very easily pass without us seeing each other. Weeks could pass without us even sending a text to each other. But we're still very good friends.

farmchoice

some people are alike that. when i was in school there were a few of us who hung around together.one of the lads was a bit odd and crap at making friends, but a sound fella. as the years went on most of us made new friends and did different things and this guy because he was so socially awkward ended up with only 2 of us left in contact with him, me and his best friend, the person he was closest to in the world, out from his mother.

i then moved away and lost touch with both of them. a year ago i got back in touch with the other lad ( not socially awkward fella) and i said how's ''tom''. the best friend told me he hadn't seen him in 7 years, his last conversation with him was ''look tom its always me who makes plans to meet up, who phones or calls around, next time i want you to call me,im not going to call until you call me.
he never heard from him again.

BetsyEllen

Big Bag of Chips says exactly what I was thinking, but words it so much better!

Read their post and absorb it - your post title 'strange relationship with friend' is also spot on, it is strange and I can guarantee your OH would be upset to read your OP, despite your protests that you have no romantic feelings for Patrick.