About to become a single mother. I really don't want to

Scc1601

Hi everyone. I'm on a really bad situation through no fault of my own. I grew up in foster care and didn't have anyobe permanent in my life. I met my boyfriend when I was 18 and fell head over heels in love with him. His family took me in and treated me as their own. And I've repaid them by stealing alot of money from them and my other half. I didn't want to steal but I felt I couldn't stop. Two weeks ago all this came out and I'm kind of glad it has as I know I won't do it again and I'm so afraid of losing my other half that I will never step out of line again. He agreed to give me a chance and I've done everything he's asked of me on those two weeks. I'm trying 100% and this morning he comes out with that he can't be with me anymore. He wants to be with me, wants to trust me but can't. Im distraught. I've no friends or family of my own. We've got a toddler together. I really 100% think we can make it through this. We've been getting on so much better. Until his mother got her word in. I'm sorry for the rant. I'VE no one to talk to and I need to get it off my chest. I haven't stopped crying all day. I know I've done wrong and I'm willing to work at the trust and do whatever it takes to get back to the way we were. I can't be a single parent. Im not strong enough to do it in my own. Please help. Any advice welcome. Please don't make me feel any worse than I already do - although I deserve it.

Big Bag of Chips

First thing you need to do away with is the attitude that you are in this situation through no fault of your own. You were an adult when you met and moved into your bf's family home so you are responsible for your own actions at that point. You may have had a tough upbringing, but you know and knew you were wrong when you started and continued stealing from his family. That much IS your fault.

Have you spoken to his mother? Have you apologised to her? His family took you in, and that is how you repaid them. Your bf might be willing to forgive you, but his family might not. His mother has his best interests at heart. Not yours. So she wants to protect him as much as she can from further potential hurt.

You need to accept that his family may never forgive you. They don't have the loyalty and bond to you that he has/had.

I think your only chance of healing wounds with him and his family is to go to them, and apologise. Sincerely. And come up with a plan to repay them, both the money you stole and the kindness they showed you. You might have a hard job though because they invited you into their home before, gave you support and a chance and you took advantage of their kindness in the worst way.

They might not be too keen to let you get too close again.

Scc1601

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Have you spoken to his mother? Have you apologised to her? His family took you in, and that is how you repaid them. Your bf might be willing to forgive you, but his family might not. His mother has his best interests at heart. Not yours. So she wants to protect him as much as she can from further potential hurt.

You need to accept that his family may never forgive you. They don't have the loyalty and bond to you that he has/had.

I think your only chance of healing wounds with him and his family is to go to them, and apologise. Sincerely. And come up with a plan to repay them, both the money you stole and the kindness they showed you. You might have a hard job though because they invited you into their home before, gave you support and a chance and you took advantage of their kindness in the worst way.

They might not be too keen to let you get too close again.

We live with his parents. We've been together 4 years. I have apoligised. I understand she's doing right by him, I know I've done wrong. I have to live with that. I'm going to have to look my child in the eye in 20 years and tell him why. I have tried to repay the money but she won't take it off me.

Big Bag of Chips

You need to move out of their house and start standing on your own two feet. You are both adults and have lived off his parents good will for long enough. Do you work? Does your bf? As an adult, you need to become self-sufficient. If you will find it difficult to find a place to live with your son, you might need to consider giving your bf full custody until you can get yourself set up.

But you cannot stay in that house much longer. Whether or not you want to, or whether or not you believe you've ended up in this "through no fault of your own" it's not your house. And you've outstayed your welcome. I'm not sure what services you would contact, but maybe your CWO would be a good start.

athtrasna

Would you consider leaving the child with him and his family until you get set up properly, and get counselling/treatment for whatever it was that made you steal from these people who took you in?

twill

athtrasna wrote: »

Would you consider leaving the child with him and his family until you get set up properly, and get counselling/treatment for whatever it was that made you steal from these people who took you in?

As the OP is in a vulnerable position due to having been in foster care, I would not attempt this outside of a formal custody agreement. The ex's family could potentially try to alienate her from the child if she cedes custody completely. I know this is a worst case scenario, but it's better to be cautious. The OP could easily be portrayed as an unfit parent.

LegacyUser

Scc1601 wrote: »

I have tried to repay the money but she won't take it off me.

Then she's not going to forgive you. She knows that taking the money would weaken the righteousness of her anger, so she can't do it. She has also possibly wanted a chance like this and she's not going to pass it up by taking that money. You gave your apology and made your offer, sadly it fell on the wrong ears and I think you're now going to have to stop concentrating on how you got to where you are and start dealing with what you're going to do next. You can deal with your past when you get the logistics of the immediate future sorted for yourself and your child. Not wanting to be a single parent won't stop it happening, you can only play the hand your dealt now.

iwassostupid

I would make arrangements to leave with your son before they decide to ask you to leave. Go down to the homeless unit in your area and tell them your situation.

Through no fault of your own though? You have stolen from them while they have been supporting you, kind of like rubbing salt in the wound isn't it? I feel you are using your past as an excuse as to why you did it. Lots of kids grow up in foster care and do not steal from those who take care of them. Have you thought about what might happen if they call the guards? You put yourself in a serious situation and need to make things right by leaving their house. Get out and get your own place and then go to court and get support and visitation set up so they can still see your son.

It was a mistake and I get that, but it is time to stand on your own two feet and be a parent to your son. Accept the fact that probably all trust is broken. Once you are our ask the boyfriend if he would like to go to counceling with you and work on it, if he doesn't you have to accept that too. As for his parents, that probably will never be fixed, just let them see their grandson

SarahMollie

Scc1601 wrote: »

Hi everyone. I'm on a really bad situation through no fault of my own. I grew up in foster care and didn't have anyobe permanent in my life. I met my boyfriend when I was 18 and fell head over heels in love with him. His family took me in and treated me as their own. And I've repaid them by stealing alot of money from them and my other half. I didn't want to steal but I felt I couldn't stop. Two weeks ago all this came out and I'm kind of glad it has as I know I won't do it again and I'm so afraid of losing my other half that I will never step out of line again. He agreed to give me a chance and I've done everything he's asked of me on those two weeks. I'm trying 100% and this morning he comes out with that he can't be with me anymore. He wants to be with me, wants to trust me but can't. Im distraught. I've no friends or family of my own. We've got a toddler together. I really 100% think we can make it through this. We've been getting on so much better. Until his mother got her word in. I'm sorry for the rant. I'VE no one to talk to and I need to get it off my chest. I haven't stopped crying all day. I know I've done wrong and I'm willing to work at the trust and do whatever it takes to get back to the way we were. I can't be a single parent. Im not strong enough to do it in my own. Please help. Any advice welcome. Please don't make me feel any worse than I already do - although I deserve it.

This is some seriously screwed up thinking OP - in what was was any of this "through no fault of your own". In actual fact, its no one elses fault but yours.

If this is how all your apologies are framed, I wouldn't trust you or believe in you either. Until you demonstrate that you actually under stand what you did and take ownership of said actions, they you're still liable to do it again "through no fault of your own". Until you learn to take responsibility for your own actions, you're not a real grown up, and maybe the father of your child doesnt want to be with someone so lacking in maturity.

I'm sorry for being so blunt OP, but there really is no way to sugarcoat this that wouldnt be detrimental to you in the long run - excusing this behavior would be tantamount to enablement. A change of attitude is seriously the best thing that could happen as a result of this mess. You need to learn a hard lesson here. Its up to you if you want to take it like that or continue playing the victim.

Musketeer4

Tbh OP it sounds like you have some deep rooted issues.

I think OP should consider getting whatever help and therapy is necessary and paramount here is what is in the best interests of the child. Given the issues at play I believe some objective consideration should be given to which parent is best placed to care for the child. It looks to me that the OPs bf is as he has a secure home and family support.

twill

Musketeer4 wrote: »

Tbh OP it sounds like you have some deep rooted issues.

I think OP should consider getting whatever help and therapy is necessary and paramount here is what is in the best interests of the child. Given the issues at play I believe some objective consideration should be given to which parent is best placed to care for the child. It looks to me that the OPs bf is as he has a secure home and family support.

With respect, I don't think it is for anyone here to determine the OP's mental health, or decide what's best for the child.

OP, there are organisations such as One Family which might give you advice on where to go to be able to make whatever decisions you have to make now. I would agree with others that you need to come to make access arrangements with your boyfriend's family, but you can be guided through that process. Also, that you need to prove yourself worthy to be trusted in the future. But at this point, seek some advice from groups which are there to assist people in your position.

Eric Cartman

OP, please leave and contact somebody like focus ireland about getting you housed. There is no way past this and your boyfriends family will rightly never trust you ever again. This was completely your fault and nobody else. Please give your bf some space to think about this.

Even if he can trust you at some point down the line, his family never will, they will resent you for the rest of your life.

Musketeer4

If she does this and she really ought to leave the child with dad. It's not right to be towing a toddler through homeless agencies and so forth. A child needs stability and it looks like dad can provide that more effectively at this time.

dudara

@Ms Doubtfire1 - I've removed your post as it contained no advice to the OP. Please remember the forum guidelines when posting in future

dudara

twill

Musketeer4 wrote: »

If she does this and she really ought to leave the child with dad. It's not right to be towing a toddler through homeless agencies and so forth. A child needs stability and it looks like dad can provide that more effectively at this time.

What is not right is trying to guilt a vulnerable person into unequivocally ceding custody in a situation where she could easily be shut out permanently. All her boyfriend's family would have to do is threaten her with prison for the thefts. This is not the 1960s and the OP should not have to shoulder the burden of middle class expectations, nor should she have to give up her child as a penalty for having been in the foster system and having no supports.

Big Bag of Chips

Scc1601 wrote: »

I can't be a single parent. Im not strong enough to do it in my own.

This is not the 1960s and a father is perfectly capable of being a single parent if the mother can't cope. I'm sorry for your situation, OP, but staying living in your bf's family home is no longer viable. They are your son's blood relatives and in a position to care for your son if you can't. The alternative is to put him in foster care.

It doesn't have to be a permanent arrangement, and a social worker can work with you and the family to try find a solution that is agreeable by all.

But I do agree with a previous poster who comments that you don't seem to accept responsibility. You say you couldn't stop yourself, yet you've promised your bf you will never let him down again. How can you be so sure? If it was out of your control, "through no fault of your own" how can you be sure that it won't happen again.

Your life has been tough, no doubt. But you were given a chance and you abused it. There are options available to you other than being a single parent living in a homeless hostel. Yes, you will no doubt be heartbroken if you have to leave your son behind for a time, but this is a time now where you have to put someone else first. You cannot think of just yourself and what you want. You need to think of what is best for your son. That is his home. And he shouldn't have to lose his home because of your mistake.

Take a bit of time, get yourself sorted out and set up. I know you are devastated, but staying much longer in that house is only going to breed resentment. You need to move out soon. This isn't going to just go away.

Musketeer4

If op is going "into the system" so to speak, then u think it is not fair on the child to drag him along into that system also. She needs to go there to sort out the kleptomania issues or whatever it is.
Amidst all this she has to think of her son's needs rather than her desires. Soon needs to be in a stable home with a reliable parent and good role model - dad.

Dravokivich

OP, you are in a very difficult position. And it's hard not to write anything in response that doesn't come across as condescending or belittling towards you. So I'm going to skip past what has lead to the breakup of your relationship and just dig into the bones of the issue.

You say, you're not strong enough to be a single parent, so why are you considering pulling the child with you when it comes to leaving? The child remaining with the father is not a reflection on you as a parent.

Musketeer4

^ On the money

You don't have to be a single parent if you are not set up for it or if you are not in a position to be. There's nothing at all wrong with his father being his single parent. In fact it would be a good reflection on you if you did that because it shows that you looked at the situation objectively and chose the most logical option in the best interests of your son.