At a crossroad.

Frank Bullitt

Evening all,

Hoping to get some advice or perspective on a bit of a dilemma I am in the midst of.

I've been living abroad now for 3 years or so, just over actually. Things are going great, nice job, lifestyle and a newish GF which is going along nicely, enjoying each others time and so forth, I also just got a new place to live here which is all a nice change.

A few months back I decided I was going to leave Vancouver and head east to Toronto. Once I met my GF, I decided to stay as things were looking like they were going to go well. Lots of my friends were not too keen on me going either. A bit of background on this was that I was going through a rough patch with a few things, things with an ex, general happiness and unhappiness about Vancouver (where I currently live).

So, the dilemma that i am currently experiencing now is regret (for now not going to Toronto) and also unhappiness (with life in Vancouver, despite it being as good as i mentioned above.

I have been chronically homesick, on-off, for the last month or so, and the past week hasn't been much fun either. I can't help but want to go home, I keep thinking about friends at home, despite good friends here and the GF.

I have a few weddings on next year that I have to go back to Ireland for and I am now going to go home for Christmas. I am not sure if this will help or make it worse.

There are plenty of good and bad things about Vancouver, I suppose the main issue I have is cost. The price of owning a house here is bonkers, and I have always wanted to own a house.

That is just not attainable for me here.

My stop-gap of going to Toronto was also to help with it being closer to home than Vancouver (my job have an office in both cities). I have told work to put that on ice for now, but I still feel that I will eventually go there before I go home for good.

I suppose the biggest feeling I have right now is guilt. I have a great GF right now, and all I think about is what I want to do, where I want to go and things like that. She just started a new job as well, and her folks are all close to Vancouver, I fear if I were to talk to her about it, it would hurt her and upset her and she would see it as me not wanting her or something anymore.

This is a really hard and difficult position and mindset for me right now.

I know no one will have the answers, but if anyone had a different perspective on this that they could show, that would be great.

Thanks for reading.

ted1

TBH i was in Toronto and thought it was a kip.

Frank Bullitt

ted1 wrote: »

TBH i was in Toronto and thought it was a kip.

Haha, well Toronto isn't the only option.

HalloweenJack

Talk to your GF about it first and foremost. Then take it from there. Have you mentioned you want to come home at some point?

Frank Bullitt

HalloweenJack wrote: »

Talk to your GF about it first and foremost. Then take it from there. Have you mentioned you want to come home at some point?

I did on Thanksgiving, her mother asked if I was here for good and I said I do see myself going back to Ireland at some point.

Faith

I was in a similar situation, minus the Toronto and local partner elements. I loved Vancouver, and I still do. But when it came down to brass tacks, I wanted to be closer to home - if only to be nearby to celebrate important events like weddings and major birthdays. In my instance, I got a job offer that I couldn't turn down, in England. That made the decision to leave easier, but at times I really pine for Vancouver. I probably loved it more than anywhere else I have ever lived, and I wonder what life may have looked like if I stayed.

Realistically, what's at home for you? Are your friends still there? (Mine all left.) Is there work there for you? Could you handle the brutal weather and total lack of summer?

Honestly, Toronto is a non-runner. You'll be just as unhappy, and you'll be without your Vancouver friends and girlfriend.

I don't know that leaving a place like Vancouver is ever an easy decision. If I were you, I'd draw up a list of pros and cons, really honest ones, and have a good, hard look at it.

Frank Bullitt

Faith wrote: »

I was in a similar situation, minus the Toronto and local partner elements. I loved Vancouver, and I still do. But when it came down to brass tacks, I wanted to be closer to home - if only to be nearby to celebrate important events like weddings and major birthdays. In my instance, I got a job offer that I couldn't turn down, in England. That made the decision to leave easier, but at times I really pine for Vancouver. I probably loved it more than anywhere else I have ever lived, and I wonder what life may have looked like if I stayed.

Realistically, what's at home for you? Are your friends still there? (Mine all left.) Is there work there for you? Could you handle the brutal weather and total lack of summer?

Honestly, Toronto is a non-runner. You'll be just as unhappy, and you'll be without your Vancouver friends and girlfriend.

I don't know that leaving a place like Vancouver is ever an easy decision. If I were you, I'd draw up a list of pros and cons, really honest ones, and have a good, hard look at it.

Thanks for the reply.

Vancouver has changed drastically in the past few years, prices are sky high now and its not getting cheaper. Its still beautiful with the mountains and stuff, but those aren't really a draw for me in the first place. I'm not hugely into the outdoors, I own a motorbike here so I take advantage of the roads for some beautiful days in the saddle when I can.

As for what is at home, my friends and family are still there, which is a big thing for me. Van has never felt like home and I don't see it ever feeling like it either. What is has in terms of natural beauty, it falls flat on its face in terms of culture and interest.

From what I gather, tech is doing well back in Ireland and that is an area that I have gained lots of experience in while here in Van. Weather I find is so much better in the summer here, but it beats the head off Ireland for crap winters. Days and days of rain, and not like the rain in Ireland. Or worse yet, days of grey nothing!

Wompa1

Not a big fan of Vancouver either from my brief trips there but then it might have been down to so many people hyping it before I went.

Why not plan a return date for yourself to Ireland to live and in the mean time, focus on saving enough money to bring it home and get the house you say you want.

If you're up front with your girlfriend about moving back, I don't see the harm. You'll want to make doubly sure she knows your intentions though.

Frank Bullitt

Wompa1 wrote: »

Not a big fan of Vancouver either from my brief trips there but then it might have been down to so many people hyping it before I went.

Why not plan a return date for yourself to Ireland to live and in the mean time, focus on saving enough money to bring it home and get the house you say you want.

If you're up front with your girlfriend about moving back, I don't see the harm. You'll want to make doubly sure she knows your intentions though.

Yes, I agree.

I mentioned to her about going home for 2 months next year and she didn't seem to take it too well, and thats just for 2 months. I also mentioned Toronto again and she had an awful look on her face.

We chatted a bit more about it and she explained she wasn't in the best of moods so I am contributing some of her reactions to that.

At the same time I have to be honest and upfront about it. A friend of mine has already tried to get me to change my mind about not going, saying Ireland is ****ed and stuff like that. I tried to explain to her that its not Ireland really that I miss, but more family and friends.

Sheog

Gosh I really feel for you and your dilemma!

My brother is in a similar crossroads. His GF of 4 years is not from Ireland and she really really wants to go home ASAP to settle down and start a family. He is in a crossroads in his own career and it would be a good opportunity for him to go, but is very much a home bird. He is really unsure/ undecided about whether or not moving with his GF to her hometown is the right more form him.

The only advice that I was able to give him was: that everything is worth a try at least once (the 'why not'/ 'what have you to loose' argument) and that he can always move back home if he is unhappy. At the end of the day though, he knows what is right for him, and either way he needs to make a decision.

I think you are absolutely right to keep your Girlfriend fully informed of where you mind set is and the choices that you are considering. If she senses that you might be leaving either way and she definitely wants to stay where she is, she might decide to end things now to minimise the pain later. Would you like for her to move with you? Have you even asked her?

Just on the property issue that you mentioned in your post. Property might be expensive in Vancouver, but are you aware of the issues/ shortfall and rising prices in Ireland? I'm in my mid 30ies living in Dublin and I'm beginning to think I'll never own my own place!

A final word of advice (and you can take or ignore all of this, it's up to you!) The worst thing you can do, is carry on day by day and not make any kind of decision. Time really flies by, and you could find yourself in the exact same place still facing the exact same decisions but a year or two down the line.

Best of luck!

Gintonious

Gintonious wrote: »

So, the dilemma that i am currently experiencing now is regret (for now not going to Toronto) and also unhappiness (with life in Vancouver).

Van has never felt like home and I don't see it ever feeling like it either.

Gintonious wrote: »

I mentioned to [my girlfriend] about going home for 2 months next year and she didn't seem to take it too well, and thats just for 2 months. I also mentioned Toronto again and she had an awful look on her face.

Definitely between a rock and a hard place here OP, clearly you want to be back in Ireland (warts and all) but your girlfriend won't even entertain a long visit.

It seems to me that your relationship with her is the only thing stopping you, she's shored up a lot of the unhappiness you feel in Vancouver but is it enough? As hard as it would be to leave her, is she worth staying for?

I don't envy you.

For what it's worth, I lived away for years and years and am now happily back in Ireland. I love it here and even the weather can't dampen the joy I feel at being up the road from my sister and down the road from my parents.

Good luck.

Gintonious

Gintonious wrote: »

A few months back I decided I was going to leave Vancouver and head east to Toronto. Once I met my GF, I decided to stay as things were looking like they were going to go well.

Sorry, just noticed this point ... you've been with your girlfriend for a few months and, as nice and all as I'm sure she is, there's no way I'd let a short relationship stop me finding my own happiness.

Frank Bullitt

Thanks for the advice guys.

A little update on my part.

I chatted with the GF about this again, I told her about missing home and things like that she was very understanding of it. Once I mentioned the trip home next year for a few months, she said "I can't wait to go to Ireland with you" and we have been throwing back and forth some pictures of different parts of Ireland.

There has been a change for me in my mindset as well. Home is still home and I want to go back, at the same time things are good at present here but I don't want to just live day by day aimlessly.

Next years trip is a test for me, I want to see the potential of owning a house along with how I feel about being home, also seeing what the jobs market is like as well for me. I have an open mind about it also and I want to keep it that way. I can't ignore my feelings either and I am not, I have journaled about it as well which is a handy exerceise for me to clear my headspace (I recommend this to everyone if they are not thinking clearly for some reason).

I still feel like I am at a crossroads though, I called home and explained about the long trip home and buying a house etc, my mother mentioned the GF and once I explained my position on that, she just replied "just take it one day at a time".

Best laid plans go to waste most of the time, and I had a low point with that this year as well, but I am thinking differently about things and my life.