Some of my Lyrics!

SeanieMon

I don't usually post about my lyrics, ever. I usually just write my songs record them, perform them and that's it. I play a bluesy/jazzy style with folk and traditional elements, just to give you a vibe. Here's the lyrics to a recent composition of mine , titled "Down Again", tell me what you think. And don't worry, I can take criticism. I'll be grateful of any feedback. It's an ill-fated love song...

Down Again

Her eyes illuminate the distant moon,
And the streetlight shadows dissipate her gloom,
Of a broken love that plays upon the heart,
A wicked game created by the twisted gods of art.

Poetic licenses, they lead me to her bed,
But the disillusionment shows our love is dead.
And the morning birds, always sing the saddest songs,
Oh I just don't know what to do.

The lonesome blues are calling out for me,
I just fall apart and drift so vacantly,
And I'm down again...

Like a spiral staircase, leading to the mind's eye,
Of a fool's desires that make me question why,
Passions wonders, they always end so wrong,
Love is blind, stupid, deaf and dumb.

The lonesome blues are calling out for me,
I just fall apart and drift so vacantly,
And I'm down again...

When November has risen from the mist,
When our love is over, I'll rue the winter's kiss.
The poems I wrote for her have faded from the page,
So I'll leave her be now, and find another way.

The lonesome blues are calling out for me,
I just fall apart and drift so vacantly,
And I'm down again...

sephsleft06

It's really good. Should you keep up a rhyme pattern, which you established in Verse 1...like ''do'' doesn't rhyme with ''songs''. It'd be better with consistency...

what about ''a twisted game created by the twisted gods of art''.... some word repetition....

Would the layman like myself understand the word rue?

It's a very cool lyric, sounds urban...

I wish you luck

SeanieMon

sephsleft06 wrote: »

It's really good. Should you keep up a rhyme pattern, which you established in Verse 1...like ''do'' doesn't rhyme with ''songs''. It'd be better with consistency...

what about ''a twisted game created by the twisted gods of art''.... some word repetition....

Would the layman like myself understand the word rue?

It's a very cool lyric, sounds urban...

I wish you luck

Cheers for the response. Very much appreciated.

Yeah, that "do" bit follows a melody thingy (type of jazzy skat),hard to explain but rhyming it wasn't important.

"Twisted" in the first instance is supposed to be "wicked", so thanks for spotting that.

Really appreciate the feedback sephsleft06.:D

sephsleft06

no bother. Keep it up