Telling on a cheat

LegacyUser

I've been sleeping with someone on and off for 3 years. They had a partner this whole time. It's a open secret amongst a lot of people but I don't think their partner has any idea. I finally came to my senses several months ago and ended it. My question is should their partner be informed? It's been playing on my mind a lot recently but I'm not sure of my motivations, is it guilt, redemption, not wanting to let them get away with it etc. or maybe it is simply the right thing to do, regardless of my motivations?

I'd appreciate some advice and not any lectures on my behaviour, I know what I did was wrong but at the time I fed myself some very crappy reasons to justify it and now it's over for good.

Sapphire

No judgement here.

Before you tell (if you do) I think you need to be clear about your motivation for doing so. You sound like you are still figuring it all out and before you open a can of worms you need to be past that stage.

Other things to consider is the fallout for you. Lots of couples get past cheating and the other woman /man is often the scapegoat that gets blamed for it all and the person cheating comes out of it smelling of roses. Sucks, but people are pretty good at convincing themselves even when the facts are staring them in the face. Of course the right thing to do is to tell - and maybe aim towards that, but if you are just out of the situation, give yourself a bit of breathing space first.

For now, I'd say sit on it, wait until you are fully sure about why you want to tell, wait until your head is in a better place. Maybe if you are approached by the partner, be honest as you can be but otherwise don't tell until you've figured out why you want to and what it might cost you to do it.

osarusan

Is the cheater or the partner somebody you are going to see in the future?

Or, now that it's over, does that mean that you'll never see either of them again (if you ever saw the partner in the first place)?

If it's the latter, I'd say don't do it. I can't imagine a person reacting well to somebody informing them that they'd been sleeping with their partner on and off for 3 years, and that person thought they should know.

I don;t know what you'd gain from it either.

seenitall

Hi op,

Well if you haven't told their partner in the 3 years the affair was ongoing, why would you be telling them now that it's over, indeed? It does sound to me like you are motivated by some negative feelings for your ex lover.

Normally I am all for telling the person who is being cheated on, on these type of threads, simply because I myself would want to know in that situation, but if it has been an open secret all this while, my guess is that the cheater has a lot of charisma (they usually do) and people are keeping shtum simply because they want to remain on their good side. The social climate around a person like that and their relationship does not lend itself to any big reveals very readily. Things could get messy for you. Either that, or it is not as much of a secret as you think it is, open or otherwise, and their partner is well aware of their cheating. In any case, I don't think in these circumstances it would be a good idea for you to do anything. It's over, move on.

daithi7

Moonieblue wrote: »

I've been sleeping with someone on and off for 3 years. They had a partner this whole time. It's a open secret amongst a lot of people but I don't think their partner has any idea. I finally came to my senses several months ago and ended it. My question is should their partner be informed? It's been playing on my mind a lot recently but I'm not sure of my motivations, is it guilt, redemption, not wanting to let them get away with it etc. or maybe it is simply the right thing to do, regardless of my motivations?

I'd appreciate some advice and not any lectures on my behaviour, I know what I did was wrong but at the time I fed myself some very crappy reasons to justify it and now it's over for good.

Come on, get a grip, you obviously want to vent some sort of revenge (yes,I know you finally ended it after 3 years, but....), spite, or other negative destructive feeling against your ex two timing lover, & maybe even his partner.

Don't you think you have played enough of a divisive & corrosive role in their relationship over 3 years already?
without really going for the jackpot of spite by telling the ex (cheated on) partner all about it ,now after it's all over ??
What use is this??? What good is this???? None, except for spite & revenge & hate, that's all.....

My advice is to Get over yourself, get on with your life, try to get happy again and try to play a positive, constructive role in the lives of people you actually care about, rather than a destructive & negative role in the lives of people you so obviously don't.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I had a ONS with a friend of a friends boyfriend.
It was a drunken stupid mess, they were in a bad place and silly me genuinely believed the relationship was on the rocks/over as they'd both said it to me at different times over the previous few nights out.

Anyway we both agreed it was a mistake and to say no more but she found the texts and called me everything under the sun (which I deserved to be fair).

Long story short, I was ostracised by the group of friends including the friend who I knew the group through.

Years later I still bump into them from time to time. They are still together and have kids but I'm still getting dirty looks from her and her friends in Tesco ten years later.

Often times the focus of blame will be placed largely at the feet of the person who can easily be blamed. Much easier to hate a person you barely see and cut them out of your life than end a relationship and blame your partner.

The fallout for you on this has to be considered before you do anything about this. Do you know his partner or anyone in his family/circle of friends? How likely are you to bump into him/her/people who know them? How likely is it that people who find out will carry it back to people you know?
The girl I'm talking out knows people I work with so it's quite possible they know about it and that's a bit embarrassing to think about to be honest even though it is well in the past and I try not to let it get to me.

Anyway just think long and hard about the impact it might have on you aswell as him.

skallywag

Telling someone that you have been sleeping with their partner for 3 years? I'm finding it hard to believe that you can actually be serious here! It's a ludicrous idea, from which no possible good can come. 'Not wanting to let them get away with it, etc', ah here, it takes two to tango in all fairness.

Just move on and take it as a lesson learned.

stargazer 68

Moonieblue wrote: »

I've been sleeping with someone on and off for 3 years. They had a partner this whole time. It's a open secret amongst a lot of people but I don't think their partner has any idea. .

Trust me Op she knows - or at least has some suspicion - she would want to be hiding in a cave not to know about it.


You will be doing no one any favours by telling.

Colser

Dovies wrote:

Trust me Op she knows - or at least has some suspicion - she would want to be hiding in a cave not to know about it.

She could know but have no proof which is a horrible situation to be in...not everyone shoots the messenger and many would welcome proof that they're not a paranoid nutter.It's up to you OP but you really could be doing her a huge favour by telling imo.

Dial Hard

Colser wrote:

She could know but have no proof which is a horrible situation to be in...not everyone shoots the messenger and many would welcome proof that they're not a paranoid nutter.It's up to you OP but you really could be doing her a huge favour by telling imo.

And how is the OP going to explain the gap of three years when she's inevitably asked how long this was going on?

Sorry, but I'm with the others here. The OP doesn't have any honourable motivations for telling this late in the day.

Persiancowboy

So let's see......you've been sh*gging this guy for 3 years and now that it's all over you suddenly come all over virtuous and want to salve your conscience by confessing all to your lover's partner??? Class......

Leave them alone and move on....

Colser

Dial Hard wrote:

Sorry, but I'm with the others here. The OP doesn't have any honourable motivations for telling this late in the day.

Well if I was in that person's situation I'd like to know what had been going on behind my back regardless of the OPs reasons for telling me...everyone is different of course but that would be my personal preference.

Big Bag of Chips

If you didn't think it was the right thing to tell her any time over the last 3 years then I don't see why suddenly you'd consider it now. You have no idea whether or not she knows. She probably does. I'd believe very little of what he told you. He's hardly the most trustworthy now, is he? It often comes up here about tell or not, and the consensus is usually "I'd want to know, but I'd only want to be told by specific people". The specific people being the cheating partner themselves or a very close friend. The "bit on the side" isn't usually high on the list.

And if you insist on doing it, do it properly, in person. Don't do an anonymous letter or anything cowardly like that. If you are going to tell her, then you stand in front of her and look her in the eye as you say it. And then you accept all and any abuse she sends your way once the initial shock of what you tell her wears off. Even if you do tell her anonymously, if it was such an open secret then she'll know exactly who to go after!

Whatever you think about coming clean and whatever else, this isn't all going to be wrappwd up in a nice neat little package and stored away to be forgotten about. Live with your guilt and stay away from other people's husbands!

eviltwin

I think telling her will add insult to injury. Its bad enough you're telling her that her boyfriend is a cheat but even worse you would be saying he's been cheating with me and for the last three years....I'd say nothing, you've done enough by ending it, leave it at that.

Miaireland

I don't think that you have the person who has been cheated on best interest at heart.

I know that you broke up the relationship but it does come across a bit like you want to tell as a kind of revenge. Revenge as to the other person still being in their relationship, revenge that you spent three years with someone who never put you first etc, I cannot tell.

Hard as it may be you need to move on from this relationship and make a clean break. Do not tell the other partner it is not going to do you any good.

You mention the relationship was an open secret, people will treat you differently when the secret is out. If you will still be meeting the same people this will be hard.

All in all I think you should leave things alone and move on.

Austria!

The person deserves to know. The OP's motivation is irrelevant. The only concern is whether it could backfire on the OP somehow, which she is in a better position to judge than us.

Clea

I don't think it is any of your business TBH. If it wasn't of your concern then, certainly should not be of your concern now.

Leave it to the partner to say it or not, your "role" is over so let it go.

Or you need some drama? Maybe you are bored to death after you left alone. Dont you think you made enough damage already? Or you want more damage to be done.

Seriously.

strandroad

Colser wrote: »

Well if I was in that person's situation I'd like to know what had been going on behind my back regardless of the OPs reasons for telling me...everyone is different of course but that would be my personal preference.

I'm the same. I wouldn't blame them, only the person committed to me.

LegacyUser

OP here,
Thanks for everyone's advice. Straight after I wrote this post, I realised it probably was best to forget the whole thing, I just wanted to see, morally, what people thought of informing the partner, whatever my motivations were, as I know I'd want to know.

To be honest I felt terrible for the partner that they may continue on with this person without knowing what they're truly capable of. I have no desire for revenge, we ended on really good terms. I was in a really bad place when this started, and though I know my reasons for continuing were not right and can never be justified I convinced myself that they were. Trust me when I say I've learned my lesson. I'll leave well alone and let karma sort us all out.

daithi7

mhge wrote: »

I'm the same. I wouldn't blame them, only the person committed to me.

Oh really. Someone has been sleeping with your OH for 3 years, behind your back, in the likely knowledge of several shared friends and you wouldn't blame them for that at all !?!

(And then when it's all over, they decide to only then tell you that they've been cheating with your OH for 3 whole fuppin years.....Come on, get real)

I'm sorry,I don't buy that at all.

Most likely the OP is now feeling very sorry for themselves, after being party to 3 years of an unfaithful relationship, playing 2nd violin to her two timing lover's other half , ultimately leading to a break up & emptiness. She now wants to vent this resentment by 3 years belatedly outing her two timing ex-lover, to his other half ,who will probably forever resent and detest her for it. All of it.

Op, my advice is to move on now & do your two timing ex-lover and his partner, but especially yourself a huge favour by doing so without causing any more unnecessary fuss!!!

strandroad

daithi7 wrote: »

Oh really. Someone has been sleeping with your OH for 3 years, behind your back, in the likely knowledge of several shared friends and you wouldn't blame them at all !?!

(And then when it's all over, they then decide to come up to you to tell you they've been cheating with your OH for 3 fuppin years.....Come on, get real)

I'm sorry,I don't buy it at all.

So don't buy it. I wouldn't care about the third party in this scenario, they had no obligations towards me, my partner had. By telling me they would actually do me a favour, they could have left me in the dark to waste many more years.

daithi7

Moonieblue wrote: »

OP here,
Thanks for everyone's advice. Straight after I wrote this post, I realised it probably was best to forget the whole thing, I just wanted to see, morally, what people thought of informing the partner, whatever my motivations were, as I know I'd want to know.

To be honest I felt terrible for the partner that they may continue on with this person without knowing what they're truly capable of. I have no desire for revenge, we ended on really good terms. I was in a really bad place when this started, and though I know my reasons for continuing were not right and can never be justified I convinced myself that they were. Trust me when I say I've learned my lesson. I'll leave well alone and let karma sort us all out.

Well done & well said.
Good luck for the future

I'll be honest, I never really understand why people are so adamant not to tell someone they're being cheated on. Even when it's a friend or acquaintance half the time people say "none of your business".
If I were being cheated on I would want to know. I wouldn't care about the motivations either, either it's happened/ing or it isn't.
There are people out there who live double lives with double families and neither are any the wiser so I wouldn't take it as a given that she knows either.

Up to you though OP

Clea

Moonieblue wrote: »

To be honest I felt terrible for the partner that they may continue on with this person without knowing what they're truly capable of.

So for three years this didnt bother you but now it does. I am glad you see it is too late. I believe it is good for you to move on, as you say you learned your lesson.
TBH I somehow also believe that people always know of these things, partners of cheaters that is, but prefer to look the other way or do not want to really 'know'.
Perhaps your ex also learned a lesson but really their relationship is out of your realm.
That's MHO anyway.

Good luck for the future

Shinbin223

OP, if you think you should tell them then go for it but be careful because normally the other woman is cast as the bad one in these situations. I don't know why or where that idea comes from but I've seen third party end up being cast as the devil even though the man or woman who has a partner is more in the wrong.
Tell her if you need to, but just be prepared for a lot of anger and hurt to be directed your way. You weren't a saint in all this and the man's partner may think it's a bit rich of you to be telling her now when it's all over but let it go on for three years. If I were being cheated on I would want to know but it would be very difficult to hear it from the person who contributed to the cheating and infidelity because it smacks more of you having sour grapes and looking for revenge than wanting to be genuine and honest with me. Three years cheating with someone and then when it all ends deciding to tell, would be a bitter pill for anyone to swallow, me thinks.

skallywag

Moonieblue wrote: »

To be honest I felt terrible for the partner that they may continue on with this person without knowing what they're truly capable of.

I think you have made the correct decision, and I wish you the best going forward.

That said, I don't buy your statement above. I can fully see how a third party such as a mutual friend etc could be justified in feeling that way, but it's all a bit rich to me for the protagonist be making such a statement. Couldn't the other person involved here also turn the same line of argument back onto you saying that you are type of person who would willing get involved with someone in a relationship?