Abandoned by my mother?! How to feel as an adult?

amtc

Right a bit of background. I'm just over 40, only child, v close to my mam, no kids, very close friends but not married although have someone. I talk to my mam 3 times a day and meet her once or twice a week. I' m not quite so close to my dad but still speak to him daily.

Anyway my mam's whole family live in Australia and have done for almost 50 years. My grandmother is now 90. Mam went over to spend her birthday there and stayed 3 months. She is just back a week and is miserable. My dad has got used to living on his own, and my aunt who minds my Nana can't manage on her own.

My mam wonders if she'd make more difference going back there. She feels she's only putting in time here. I'd miss her desperately but if it's something she needs to do...any views?

Faith

First of all, stop personalising it and making it all about you. Secondly, stop over-dramatising it! You're 40 years of age - your mother moving to a different country to care for her own mother is not abandonment.

Your poor mother must feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. One country has her husband and adult child; the other has her aging mother and the rest of her family. Her decision is an extremely difficult one, and you need to support and counsel her through this. The very last thing she needs is to her the word "abandon" thrown around.

Your mum is miserable and she needs support. Give her that unconditionally, and help her make the decision that is best for her.

On a practical note, as I'm sure this is difficult for you too - could you also travel to Australia for a period? Either briefly or longer term, but either way it may help to ease the potential transition.

amtc

Oh I'm sorry I didn't mean abandon. This is just a word my dad said when she went for 3 months. For which I ate him. The same man asked me was I crying into my pillow every night while she was away. King of drama.

I'm well aware that I'm grown up and tbh I said to my mam I would support her 1000% in whatever she chose to do. In fact I even rang to get details on longer visas.

Tbh if I couldn't look after myself at this age I'd be a lost cause. She says the only time she's at peace is on the plane where no one can get at her!

I probably would pop over for a few weeks new year. I'd like to see my Nana while she still knows me.

amtc

I suppose really the reason I'm feeling tense is the strain of my dad. He's 78 and not in great health. Mam was so amazed by how much he'd failed since she was away. They don't have a perfect marriage and she just thinks how much she could add to the house in Australia. While she was away he was reliant on me hugely and selfishly perhaps I don't want this. All his attention was fixated on me. I posted elsewhere that when I didn't answer the phone one day because I was getting my nails done he rang. Texted and emailed multiple times and rang my mam to know where the spare key to mine was...

I am so pleased that my mam knows what will make her happy. She's given so much to me.

silverharp

could they both move over? if your grandmother is 90 and unwell chances are she wont be around for more than a couple of years.

Faith

amtc wrote: »

I suppose really the reason I'm feeling tense is the strain of my dad. He's 78 and not in great health. Mam was so amazed by how much he'd failed since she was away. They don't have a perfect marriage and she just thinks how much she could add to the house in Australia. While she was away he was reliant on me hugely and selfishly perhaps I don't want this. All his attention was fixated on me. I posted elsewhere that when I didn't answer the phone one day because I was getting my nails done he rang. Texted and emailed multiple times and rang my mam to know where the spare key to mine was...

I am so pleased that my mam knows what will make her happy. She's given so much to me.

So I think this is your real issue here, not wanting the burden of being a carer. That's a very understandable position. It also sounds like your mum is worn out from the same thing, hence her comment "the only time she's at peace is on the plane where no one can get at her". It's interesting that she says when no one can get at her. Are more people than just your Dad relying heavily on her?

It seems to me like your mum is desperate to have a break from the burden on her. How can you help her to achieve this?

amtc

I suppose I never thought of it that way. My mother had two close relatives that she described as rocks die this year. One was her uncle that she was very close to. She says she feels like a crazy mixed up kid at 68!

No way would my dad go there. He has a medical condition that requires him to go to hospital every week. Plus my grandmother... Dementia and all..can' t stand him.

Magicmatilda

amtc wrote: »

Oh I'm sorry I didn't mean abandon. This is just a word my dad said when she went for 3 months. For which I ate him. The same man asked me was I crying into my pillow every night while she was away. King of drama

I can understand why your dad would feel abandoned in this situation. Why do you say you ate him for that comment?

I don't understand why you were crying into your pillow every night while your mam was away. I'm sorry but I find that very odd for a woman of 40. Sounds like you have not developed your independence from your parents.

If you do not want to look after your father make this clear to your parents. They will have to come up with alternative arrangements.

Merkin

The OP is not crying into her pillow, her overly dramatic father asked her if this was the case.

I think you have to support your Mother OP and let her decide what's best for her and her own contentment.I should imagine that now her own mother is poorly and given the years of estrangement she is probably anxious to help as much as she can.

amtc

Jesus, I am definitely not crying into my pillow! This is my dad's interpretation of how I would feel were Mam not around! I have a very successful and well rounded life.

Anyway I applied for her visa. And will send her off with peace of mind here.

Faith

amtc wrote: »

I suppose I never thought of it that way. My mother had two close relatives that she described as rocks die this year. One was her uncle that she was very close to. She says she feels like a crazy mixed up kid at 68!

Your mum has gone through an exceptionally difficult time recently. I would imagine that she feels totally lost, because her support system has rather abruptly disappeared. Now she's left holding up the burdens by herself, with no one to lean on. She must be feeling exhausted, stressed, distressed and many other things. It sounds like she desperately needs a break.

It's great that you're supporting her in the journey thus far. But it's likely that you'll have to carry the burden of your dad for a while, in her stead. Have a think about how you can manage that yourself. Things I suggest would include setting very clear boundaries with him, and making sure that you maintain a normal routine.

LegacyUser

From what you have said about your father he may not be a easy person to deal with. I feel when your mother is their she is very much at his beck and call.

In regards to your father due to his health issues and due to his age he may be entitled to get some home help. If you contact his doctor they may be able to advise you further on this.
I would also look into seeing if he could get a meal from meals and wheels also. He would get a proper dinner each day when you are in work. It would also be a way of keeping an eye on him.
Is their a day care centre near him? I know that day care centres will pick up people, bring them to the centre for a day and bring them home in the evening. It can be a good social outlet for an elderly person.

You need to lay down some ground rules with him if he needs care. I would also ensure that you get a regular brake away from caring from him.
If you going out tell him I will be back at x time - allow yourself an extra 30 to 60 mins when giving him this time. Let him know in a nice way that you won't be taking a lot of phone calls from him when you are in work and that he is not to be ringing your mother if he can't get you.

Chocolate fiend

So is she leaving your father? as in breaking up with him?

amtc

My parents have a very weird and wonderful relationship. I joke that's why I'm an only child. I was absolutely amazed to realise with clarity this year that a relationship was about facing the same direction. For some reason this has never occurred to me. Since my mam retired last year my dad brings her breakfast in bed. I was telling my best friend who said it was a lovely gesture. My view is that it establishes a demarcation line...upstairs is hers for the morning and then they switch over. If I ring I talk to my mam downstairs and my dad will ring me on his mobile upstairs.

Thanks for the practical suggestions. I have no intention of going to live at home. My dad is very unsociable and for example when his brother died his only comment was he had saved on a stamp for a Christmas card. Therefore I don't see him being amenable to doing activities etc. He has also become unbelievably irrational recently in stupid ways....for example he asked a chemist for a pro wrinkle cream as he felt discriminated by anti wrinkle creams! Totally stupid and embarrassing! He introduced me to a neighbour as his younger model wife. I'm wondering if perhaps he's having onset of dementia himself. Mind you even years ago he had to go to a course in work which included psychology evaluation and they said they just couldn't figure him out.

My mam is totally the opposite. Very warm. Has piles of friends. I really never copped how lost she must be losing her rocks plus now I think about it retiring as she loved her job. So a lot of losses. Going to look after Nana she feels she has a place. I will encourage her.

amtc

And no not breaking up. Sometimes I wish they would. It's hard being a mediator! When Mam was away for the last three months she never told my dad she was going. I plonked a huge pink suitcase in the hall the day before but she just said to him next day 'I'm off'. He thought to Tesco. It was up to me to say Australia. They didn't speak for those months but when she came back settled back into normal life, they were out for a meal last night.

I should point out that my mam has been to Australia for extended periods 28 times. My dad went once and would not be welcome over there, his own fault.

I feel v sorry for both in that they were robbed for whatever reason of the intimacy that I would expect in a relationship.

Magicmatilda

amtc wrote: »

Jesus, I am definitely not crying into my pillow! This is my dad's interpretation of how I would feel were Mam not around! I have a very successful and well rounded life.

Anyway I applied for her visa. And will send her off with peace of mind here.

I apologise, I totally misread that.

Sounds like you have to play piggy in the middle, having to tell your dad that your mum was off to Australia. To be honest while your dad may not be the warmest person you mum doesn't sound very nice either, just leaving like that and leaving you to explain. I don't envy you.

I echo what has been said about settling clear boundaries with your father. It may take some time to put them in place as no doubt your limits will be tested but you will need to stand firm.

Do you have much support yourself?

amtc

Thanks, I have a number of very good close friends. All in somewhat of same situation. My boyfriend instructed me to take today off and is taking me out. My best friend booked me in for a massage later. and my mam too.

My boss just said he wants me to do some project work three days a week from home for six months as the contractor lives near me so makes sense. I live five minutes away from my dad so I can be near enough without living there. May work!

looksee

amtc wrote: »

My parents have a very weird and wonderful relationship. I joke that's why I'm an only child. I was absolutely amazed to realise with clarity this year that a relationship was about facing the same direction. For some reason this has never occurred to me. Since my mam retired last year my dad brings her breakfast in bed. I was telling my best friend who said it was a lovely gesture. My view is that it establishes a demarcation line...upstairs is hers for the morning and then they switch over. If I ring I talk to my mam downstairs and my dad will ring me on his mobile upstairs.

Thanks for the practical suggestions. I have no intention of going to live at home. My dad is very unsociable and for example when his brother died his only comment was he had saved on a stamp for a Christmas card. Therefore I don't see him being amenable to doing activities etc. He has also become unbelievably irrational recently in stupid ways....for example he asked a chemist for a pro wrinkle cream as he felt discriminated by anti wrinkle creams! Totally stupid and embarrassing! He introduced me to a neighbour as his younger model wife. I'm wondering if perhaps he's having onset of dementia himself. Mind you even years ago he had to go to a course in work which included psychology evaluation and they said they just couldn't figure him out.

My mam is totally the opposite. Very warm. Has piles of friends. I really never copped how lost she must be losing her rocks plus now I think about it retiring as she loved her job. So a lot of losses. Going to look after Nana she feels she has a place. I will encourage her.

I wonder if you are taking him too literally. What he has said here sounds more like an attempt at humour. I knew someone like that, he was, to be honest, a bit of a pita but not senile by any means. Have you and your mum ganged up on him a bit - or at least, does he think you have? It sounds as though he has been retired (?) and at a loose end, not knowing how to deal with it while your mum has been continuing with her structured life. Now she is in the same situation and they are no support to each other.

In the end though it is their relationship. You do what you can for your dad but don't put your life on hold. You should not have to be a mediator for them, they have to be responsible for their own relationship.

Chocolate fiend

I can't be the only one feeling so sorry for your dad. His own wife didn't tell him that she was heading to Australia. The poor man. You would tell the cat if you were going on trip like that.