How can you stop loving someone?

jakethepirate1

I've been in a relationship for the past 7 years.
I made a stupid mistake a year before that, when we weren't officially together.
Since then he has betrayed me a lot - not quite slept with anyone (as far as I know) but flirting, texting, kissing, lying about his whereabouts, among other things.
We have broken up loads of times, mostly in the past 2-3 years, and mostly because he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore/he just wants to be single while he's young but he doesn't want to lose me etc etc.

I broke up with him for good earlier this year when he told me a huge lie that I caught him out on. But he managed to talk me around after a month or so had passed and I told him we could take things slowly and he would have to earn back my trust. After a few weeks I gave in and slept with him. The very next day he said that he felt like the connection/spark wasn't really there anymore and we were just like friends. He said that he didn't want to get back together just yet because we needed some time apart. We then had a big event recently that we had committed to before any of this happened and I can never resist sex with him when I've been drinking. We both agreed that it was the best sex we've ever had but again a few days later he started an argument for no reason and when I asked if he even wanted a future with me he said that he doesn't know.

I know that I deserve better but I can't let him go no matter how hard I try.What makes it so hard is that we have a son together and since we broke up we each have him for one day of the weekend. It breaks my heart dropping him over and not seeing him for a full 24 hours. And if we break up for good then I will have to give up time with him every weekend for good. I'm torn because part of me is telling me to man up and accept that, but the other part of me is telling me that it's worth staying in the relationship if it means I get to spend more time with my son and give him the family that he wants and deserves.

LegacyUser

jakethepirate1 wrote: »

I get to spend more time with my son and give him the family that he wants and deserves.

Eh, actually this toxic, unstable relationship with no trust is not the family your son deserves and going your separate ways might well be the best thing for him.

Big Bag of Chips

I think you posted about this before?

Anyway, he doesn't want to be with you. He's told you. But every so often he comes back to test are you still waiting for him and available for sex whenever he decides he wants it. When he knows that you are still there, off he goes again to "enjoy being single".

You wanting to be with him and be a proper family is pointless unless he wants the same thing. And he doesn't. He wants occasional sex, but not a commitment. I wouldn't believe it was "the best sex ever" either. It might have been for you, because you were looking for more out of it than just sex. He was looking for just sex.

He doesn't want you. He doesn't love you. He's stringing you along telling you just enough to keep you interested. And its working. You broke up with him a month ago "for good"? Did you really? Or did you break up with him until he said what you wanted to hear to get you offering yourself to him again.

You are using your son as an excuse. As time goes on there will be plenty of occasions where you don't get to see your son for a day. You'll live! So will he!

I have no doubt this thread will make no difference to you. Everyone will tell you the same thing and you'll continue on hanging around with this lad hoping for a bit of attention.

Mr. Incognito

How can you stop loving someone?

1. Add Distance / No contact

2. Wait

jakethepirate1

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think you posted about this before?
......
You broke up with him a month ago "for good"? Did you really?
......
As time goes on there will be plenty of occasions where you don't get to see your son for a day. You'll live! So will he!

I have no doubt this thread will make no difference to you. Everyone will tell you the same thing and you'll continue on hanging around with this lad hoping for a bit of attention.

No it wasn't me but I've been looking through the forum and found a fair few similar situations. I've read the advice in them too.

I did break up with him 'for good', or so I thought. I genuinely had no intention of taking him back but he managed to convince me after weeks of persistance.

I have to work full time at a relatively low paying job so I already have limited time with my son and I value every minute. I always have things planned for us for the weekend so that we get quality time together. I know that there will be times in the future where I won't see him for a day but giving up one of only two full days in the week, every single week, is a big deal to me. And I don't know what to do with myself sitting in a quiet house without him waiting for him to come home.

I know you're trying to get the message through to me, and I appreciate that, but I'm not hanging around with him looking for some attention. I have loved him for 8 years. If I wanted attention I wouldn't think twice about going out and finding someone else to give me that attention. I wish I could let go that's the problem.

Big Bag of Chips

My first post should have said "hanging around waiting for him, hoping for a bit of attention" and that is what you are doing. You love him. You want him to want you. You want him to love you. You want him to give you his attention.

So, he chased you for weeks, was persistent, but once you had sex again he was gone, again. The thing you had planned for months was just an excuse. You could have backed out. It wouldn't have mattered to anyone. Before you even went you knew you were going to have sex with him. You haven't broken up "for good" because you still want to get back with him. You've said so. You've said you don't want to miss days with your son. If he arrived back tomorrow and told you he'd decided he wanted to try again you'd take him back in a flash.

Have some respect for yourself, because he certainly doesn't. Do you want to bring your boy up with him as a role model? Do you want your boy to treat the future mother of his child like that?

I hope he never meets my daughter!

ETA:

jakethepirate1 wrote: »

I don't know what to do with myself sitting in a quiet house without him waiting for him to come home.

Go out and give yourself the chance of meeting a decent fella who will treat you properly and will teach your son what a proper loving relationship should be.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I'm sorry. I was a bit harsh in my reply last night.. should've just gone to bed!

What I'm trying to say is it doesn't matter if you love this fella. He doesn't love you. So a relationship and a "proper family" is never going to happen. If you can't be strong for yourself, then be strong for your son. You say you want the family that he deserves? He deserves a happy, settled, secure family. Not a family where dad disappears every few weeks. And then comes back for a few weeks and then disappears again with half arsed excuses of "not feeling the spark" or "not being sure about wanting to move forward as a family" or whatever else he comes up with.

Your son 'deserves' a secure happy family unit. And whether that is you on your own, or you with someone else it doesn't matter. But it's certainly not, and will never be, with this lad. How old is your son? How much of his life has been in a secure family unit where there was no question that you both wanted to be together?

You might always love this fella. Although if you sat down to write a list of what you actually love about him you might find it's pretty short. But I'd imagine if you ever get into a real relationship, with a man who treats you properly you will realise that what you feel for this fella isn't actually love. Maybe it's desire? Maybe it's longing to be the happy family unit? But you can find a happy family unit with someone else.

This fella isn't just treating you with contempt, he's treating your son very badly too. Coming and going as he pleases. You're the adult, so its up to you to be the strong one here and put a stop to it. You think you'd put up with him just so your son could have the family he deserves. You should be showing him the door for once and for all, so your son can have the family he deserves.